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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sleeping over, family fall out and a load of pressure and guilt trips....WWYD?

136 replies

thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 12:12

I've posted about my DPs (Parents) and OH not getting along before (name changed since and then someone used my original username Sad) the fall out only happened around August this year so still fresh and raw.

Try to cut it short and I really need some advice as I feel quite upset over the whole situation.

My family is from a different country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the day before it gets celebrated in UK. Which is good for me as I don't have to juggle who's side we see on what day etc.
Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday and then drop him off at OHs DMs house as I'm at work and like I said them and my OH don't really talk (it's more from my OHs side).
This week they asked me if instead of doing the usual could me and DS come over and sleep over at their house on Friday and spend Christmas Eve with them, have dinner, open presents and they would drop us off home Christmas Eve before DSs bed time (7pm).
Asked my OH what he thinks and he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday so he could spend it with me and DS up until I had to go to work (I work 5pm into evening) and then he could have a bit of time with DS and put him to bed etc. as he never really gets much time off throughout the year and recently not been able to spend that much time with DS due to work etc.
I said 'how about we have the day together and then DS could be picked up/dropped off at my DPs house and I'd go there after work and we could spend the night + Christmas Eve there and get dropped back off' to which OH has made clear that he won't drop him off and isn't really up for them collecting him as he doesn't want to be around them and doesn't even like my parents being around DS but he knows they're his GPs and he needs to see them etc.
I said that its just hard because if I was to make my way there on Christmas Eve by the time we eat etc we'll have to head home with DS so it'll all be lots of faffing around and rushed.
I think OH saw I was a bit upset so he said that they could collect DS Friday evening from his DMs house (she only lives up the road).
But then he came back into the room after his shower and said he doesn't understand why everything has to get arranged around my DPs and he shouldn't have to change his plans/ rearrange things so that it suits them especially considering why they fell out in the first place and said how we could do nice things together on that Friday and then he could tuck DS in bed later. And he sort of left it there Confused

I've briefly spoken to my DPs about this now and mentioned that OH actually has a day off on that Friday and wanted to spend it with us as we won't get any other days apart from Christmas Day when we're at OHs family and I'm back at work Boxing Day etc. My DF has basically said what I mentioned to OH 'how about we get DS in the evening before bedtime' so I just said I'll see and let them know.
I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc...

And now I don't know what to do because I feel like either way I will be sad because I know one side won't be happy and it feels like I just have to choose which side I upset depending on my decision....

WWYD?

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 17/12/2016 15:07

It sounds to be as if your partner has conveniently come up with this idea to sabotage your time with your parents. Was there ANY mention of him taking Friday off before you mentioned it to him?

Why exactly do your parents have an issue with him?

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 15:10

Sounds like a lot of money was lost Lello for which the OH blames OP's parents.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 15:14

Lello yes he mentioned trying to finish at at 2 and then at 12 before I said anything about staying at my DPs
After I did he said he's working towards having the whole day off.

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 17/12/2016 15:15

I don't think you should stay over on the Friday night, have a lovely family day, watch a film and let your husband put his son to bed.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/12/2016 15:24

if I'd taken time off work to spend it with my family and put my DCs to bed, which I don't often get the chance to do and then my OH said he wanted to send my DCs to his parents that night instead to save his DF an hour of driving in the mornings, I'd be put out even if I liked the inlaws. I think you are prioritizing your parents happiness over your OHs in pursuing the sleep over this year at such short notice.

derxa · 17/12/2016 15:25

Why can't your DF pick you up in the morning and also drop you off in the evening? If they're so keen to see you let them make the effort. I bet they're younger than me and not ancient crones as GPs are always depicted on MN.
Your DH and DS are your main family now.

derxa · 17/12/2016 15:26

and yes it is relevant to know what happened in the past.

HarrietVane99 · 17/12/2016 15:39

he mentioned trying to finish at at 2 and then at 12 before I said anything about staying at my DPs

So you knew he was hoping to have some time off to spend with you and DS when you arranged this sleepover? Why didn't you just tell your DPs you had other plans for the day?

If he'd only been able to finish at two, he have had hardly any family time before you headed off to your DPs, and missed out on bedtime. I can see why he might think you put your parents" wishes and convenience ahead of his.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/12/2016 15:42

Read hour previous post about the shirts

I think his last comment says it all really.

I don't think you or your parents have fully appreciated the issue of doing someone out of what sounds like a huge amount of money and the subsequent implications of not having that money. Not just the money itself but what that money could have earned in the years ahead.

It is not you or your parents working to replenish it it is your husband. Yet you and your parents seem astounded he is not playing happy families and seem to be getting irked they cant see their dgs on demand.

balence49 · 17/12/2016 16:09

It would all depend entirely on what the issue between them is.

Featherybum · 17/12/2016 16:24

OP i feel for you it sounds very hard. You have 2 issues, the old fallout (which you cant sort easily) and the latest Xmas logistics and even though they are clearly related maybe the best way to navigate this and any future arising situations is to address seperately and encourage both sides to compromise to some extent. Im guessing these visiting situations are all the result of the original fallout so something will always be cropping up. Get them in the habit of compromising with each other then that might help the future arising issues. 23rd with your h then your dad picking you up for 24th sounds like a good start. Good luck x

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2016 17:50

Given what you've said after I posted, I'm assuming that something happened that resulted in a huge financial loss for your husband (and by extension, you) of money that your family could ill afford to lose, and that your parents will accept no responsibility for their actions that may have contributed to this, have no intention of even attempting to repay it, and they aren't all that fussed about the implications on you.

If this is true, then I'm sorry, but I think you are being disloyal to your DH AND to your DC. If my parents led my family into financial difficulties and then didn't take responsibility or expected us to just 'forget about it' then my relationship with them would be very, very frosty, indeed!

hopelesslycynical · 17/12/2016 17:53

I don't understand why you are bending over backwards to accommodate your parents when then they (or at least your DF) has caused your DH to lose tens of thousands of pounds. Losing that sort of money surely will affect you as a family and not just your DH. I don't blame him for not wanting anything to do with them, and actually, I think he's very understanding with regards to your attitude towards them and you seeing them.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 18:34

The thing is I don't thing what happened was 100% their fault as OH believes it is I think it was partially his as well, he was in the position where he could have put his foot down many times but never did and there have been other things on his part too.
But he solely blames them for all of it.

That is why I'm not taking sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 18:37

So no Accross I'm definitely NOT being disloyal to my OH or my DS Hmm

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 17/12/2016 18:42

Could you properly explain the situation which has long term financial implications.

I'm sitting on the fence until I have the full picture sorry. It clearly effects how he feels about xmas eve. But I don't know who is being reasonable without knowing the background.

sandragreen · 17/12/2016 18:46

I agree with PP - I can't see how anyone can advise you whilst knowing only half the story. Why don't you want to say what happened?

I suspect it is because you know we will have quite strong views about it that you don't want to hear.................

PerfumeAndCatsAndBooks · 17/12/2016 19:04

I'm a bit surprised that this back issue is so huge that your DH is reacting the way it is, but you're "not expected to take sides".

It feels like this is much bigger than a "normal" run of the mill family dispute over (for example) whether MIL can give a one year old chocolate!

I actually think that the back issue is hugely relevant and that you should be planting your flag in the ground and "taking sides". If something has pissed your DH off to this extent (and it seems serious) doesn't he want your support in this matter? I would be hurt if DH acted in the same way you did.

Of course this is assuming the fault is with your parents and your DH has grounds to be so NC. If it isn't though, aren't you tempted to tell your DH to pull his head out of his arse and support you?

I think with our spouses (and DCs) we make "new" families who should perhaps be prioritised and supported (if they're good people and we love them) over a sense of duty and loyalty to our families or origin, which in cases can be misguided.

The back issue needs to be clearer otherwise any advice about where to sleep on Xmas eve is a bit pointless, TBH. We could be advising you completely wrongly!

PerfumeAndCatsAndBooks · 17/12/2016 19:05

Oh, so many typos Blush

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 19:32

I'm not scared I'll get a response I don't like. I'm scared that if I say what happened it will be hugely outing.
But I do believe the blame lays on both sides to an extent.
And OH does not expect me to take sides and neither do my DPs

OP posts:
toldmywraath · 17/12/2016 19:51

OP It's not really worth me getting on OHs insurance just a quick add in here, it is generally cheaper for two drivers on an insurance policy than just a sole driver. (unless the second driver has motoring convictions/accidents)

I think you should be on the side of your OH. Stay with him on Friday, keep your DC with you as well & get up early Christmas Eve and ask your dad to collect you & then make your own way home.

charliethebear · 17/12/2016 20:58

Its worth going on your DHs insurance if it costs nothing though. It might as pp says make it cheaper and would mean you can drive it if needed? I don't really see why he wouldn't put you on it in the first place.

charliethebear · 17/12/2016 20:58

To me it sounds like your dh is trying hard to make sure you spend as little time as possible with your parents tbh.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 21:26

Charlie I wouldn't want to be insured on his car it's too much for me, I tried driving it and I really don't like it.

And I'd barely get to use it anyway so it would make more sense to insure mine.

OP posts:
mummytime · 18/12/2016 07:05

BUT it costs nothing for me to be added to my DHs insurance (and I have known cases where it is cheaper). Have you checked that out?

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