Sleeping over, family fall out and a load of pressure and guilt trips....WWYD?

[thetwocultures]

I've posted about my DPs (Parents) and OH not getting along before (name changed since and then someone used my original username ) the fall out only happened around August this year so still fresh and raw.

Try to cut it short and I really need some advice as I feel quite upset over the whole situation.

My family is from a different country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the day before it gets celebrated in UK. Which is good for me as I don't have to juggle who's side we see on what day etc.
Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday and then drop him off at OHs DMs house as I'm at work and like I said them and my OH don't really talk (it's more from my OHs side).
This week they asked me if instead of doing the usual could me and DS come over and sleep over at their house on Friday and spend Christmas Eve with them, have dinner, open presents and they would drop us off home Christmas Eve before DSs bed time (7pm).
Asked my OH what he thinks and he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday so he could spend it with me and DS up until I had to go to work (I work 5pm into evening) and then he could have a bit of time with DS and put him to bed etc. as he never really gets much time off throughout the year and recently not been able to spend that much time with DS due to work etc.
I said 'how about we have the day together and then DS could be picked up/dropped off at my DPs house and I'd go there after work and we could spend the night + Christmas Eve there and get dropped back off' to which OH has made clear that he won't drop him off and isn't really up for them collecting him as he doesn't want to be around them and doesn't even like my parents being around DS but he knows they're his GPs and he needs to see them etc.
I said that its just hard because if I was to make my way there on Christmas Eve by the time we eat etc we'll have to head home with DS so it'll all be lots of faffing around and rushed.
I think OH saw I was a bit upset so he said that they could collect DS Friday evening from his DMs house (she only lives up the road).
But then he came back into the room after his shower and said he doesn't understand why everything has to get arranged around my DPs and he shouldn't have to change his plans/ rearrange things so that it suits them especially considering why they fell out in the first place and said how we could do nice things together on that Friday and then he could tuck DS in bed later. And he sort of left it there

I've briefly spoken to my DPs about this now and mentioned that OH actually has a day off on that Friday and wanted to spend it with us as we won't get any other days apart from Christmas Day when we're at OHs family and I'm back at work Boxing Day etc. My DF has basically said what I mentioned to OH 'how about we get DS in the evening before bedtime' so I just said I'll see and let them know.
I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc...

And now I don't know what to do because I feel like either way I will be sad because I know one side won't be happy and it feels like I just have to choose which side I upset depending on my decision....

WWYD?

Does my OH sound like an arse ?
He can be stubborn/difficult but I wouldn't say arse

Tbh it sounds like you're stuck between your DH who seems like a complete arse and your dps who also seem like complete arses. Neither set of which is willing to be an adult and help you out on occasion.

I think I will just try to get my car insured hopefully will be able to get through the month with what's left over.

OH has said he will see if he can get some money together to help for the last Gas & electric bill if it helps me out.

Thank you for all the replies so far. Cromwell I really didn't come on here so I can pick a fight with OH, I don't really have a lot of people to talk to IRL so sometimes find it useful to get some perspective from other people on here.

I think you and your parents have compromised by you spending Friday with your husband and it is reasonable for you, your parents as well but your husband should be looking at the effect on you, to either have your parents have your son for the night and you go there from work or your husband drop you on the Saturday morning. If you don't have Friday night with your parents you are doing all the compromising and your husband is completely getting his own way.

People are saying your parents won't see that much of your son on the Friday night as he will be mainly sleeping but that is just as true for your husband.

If your husband is so desperate to have time with just the 3 of you then tell him you will have Christmas Day at home and see his parents some other time.

Brewdolf, her parents were fine about not having OP and her son on the Friday, they just asked if they could have him in the evening so they are compromising, it is her husband who wants it all his way.

I don't know whether he's an arse or not. I'm not interested in passing judgement on a person I don't know, and I didn't think that was the point. You have limited time at Christmas with work. Your husband has taken Friday off so you can have a bit more time together - lovely. You will spend Christmas Eve with your parents, as per usual. Lovely. And you have Christmas day at home with husband and child. All, all lovely. You have a practical issue of how to cover the 30 minute drive distance between your home and your parents' on Christmas eve. You can insure your car, or take a cab (about £30) or you can ask your dad to do one or both of the journeys, since your husband does not want, at this point in time, to get involved. Personally, I'd spend the £30 (you're working and you have your own money and car) and not involve anyone else in getting myself from A to B. This is known as not getting drawn into other people's bullshit, and it has saved many an occasion. Your parents and your husband don't currently
get on. So what? That's their issue, not yours. Just solve the practical problem in front of you, and ignore the rest.

My OH can't ban me from doing anything and I know he will just go with whatever I decide in the end but I know he'll be a bit sad about it if I choose to stay over there. I mean he's already spending Christmas Eve on his own as it is

On the other hand I'm wondering if I should just let him suck it up...
Or should I let my DPs suck it up...

*But on the other hand they've been able to just walk away from that situation wheras my OH (and me I guess) will be dealing with the aftermath for years (especially financially).

Is this why you cant afford car insurance*

Yes indeed - I think if your parents have been the cause of your financial difficulties maybe it's not a big deal for DF to make a 60 minute round trip. It would also explain why OH is so angry with them. And why are you saying it's not worth going for the day when it's 30 - 40 minutes away?

Personally I think this is all your parents doing. If they hadn't done what they did there would be no problem. Even yourself has said that they have caused you financial problems. The fact your dh was so friendly with your father and whatever they did must have felt like a punch to the stomach and made your dh feel like he can never trust them again. Yet your parents look like they think it is business as usual and are complaining they now never see you or ds.

Whatever it is they did, they appear not to have taken on board that there would be consequences to their actions.

I never meant it's not worth going for the day I just feel it would be nicer and more relaxed all around if we stayed the night before and made the most of the morning etc etc.

Either way I think I know what the best plan of action is now.

And no my parents aren't directly the reason I can afford car insurance, I couldn't afford it before everything kicked off either until I started this job and now I'm sort of on the verge of being able to afford it but was trying to work out wether it would make more sense to wait a bit longer rather than put my finances at a strain to get myself on the road.

Oliversmums I have to agree with you to an extent I think they do kind of think it's business as usual and haven't taken everything on board.
However if I was completely honest I don't think my OH always did the right things either so like I said before it's not really black and white to me.

Do you share your household bills equally OP? Why is it your job to pay the gas & electric bill?

granny in the op she states worries that the dps will accuse DH of being obstructive if she doesn't let them have him. So whilst hey appear to be attempting to compromise the op herself worries of the impact saying no to them. Also the situation they appear to have left op and DH in smacks of their being arses as much as DH does.

wheras my OH (and me I guess) will be dealing with the aftermath for years (especially financially).

If you have had something happen which is going to impact your finances for years then I don't believe that this would have had nothing to do in whether you could or could not afford car insurance

I pay gas & electric, groceries/food, my mobile phone and will cover my insurance and petrol once on the road.
OH pays mortgage (which is already more than I make in a month), council tax, water bill, Internet & phone, loan for a purchase we made in the last couple of years and obviously his insurance, petrol etc. And he usually pays for days out and extras when grocery shopping e.g. Alcohol or clothes for DS or whatever .

Oliversmums the financial difficulty we are in won't impact stuff like car insurance etc. It will impact other things like getting a bigger house we planned for etc.

And like i said the situation isn't really black and white for me so I don't put the blame on them.

And do your respective outgoings roughly reflect your incomes? e.g. if you take the household as a whole if he earns 70% of the household income he pays for at least 70% of the outgoings?

Your dh can't have everything his own fucking way!

If he gets Friday then he can bloody well drive you and your son to your destination early the next morning!

his fallout with them should not mean he can't help his wife and child by driving them to where they are going he doesn't even need to get out of the car!

he is punishing you and your ds by being this stubborn not your parents

baconandeggies dammit that username makes me hungry
I've not mentioned that apart from that he is also paying for the.... Financial implications of what happened this past year. Which in total is probably more than I'll earn in 10 years on this job

It's hard because you're being quite cryptic about the actual events that created this situation, but on the snippets you have revealed I can understand and sympathies with your husbands wishes never to be in their company again.

I think you are being a bit melodramatic about a half an hour journey away really, and creating drama where there need not be. Tell your dad to collect you at some point that suits on Christmas Eve, it's no hardship if they want your company.

Hmm... So I'd either accept his offer to help so you can afford a bit of insurance, or accept a lift from Dad.

Your parents sound really controlling tbh. They can celebrate xmas eve if they want to, but shouldn't expect their daughter to drop their plans. Imagine if you had married someone from their culture - I v much doubt they'd expect you to be around at all!

This is so confusing. I don't understand why your OH cant drive you on Saturday? He doesnt have to speak to them just drop you off, if he really cant cope with looking at them he could drop you off round the corner.
Or why you cant get insured on your OH's car, it costs me £30 to add my bf to my car and he's a 21 year old male (I.e. Expensive insurance wise). It normally costs nothing to add an additional driver.
You would only use the car when necessary, but that would have solve the problem.
Its his choice to spend Christmas eve alone, he could spend it with you at your parents but he wont.

OP, you are over-complicating the situation. Friday with your DH. Tell your parents that's how it is. Then leave your DH out of it on CE, not worth getting into a row about him dropping you, he feels the way he feels.
Get yourself to DPs Christmas Eve as early as you can, either your DP picks you (an hours round trip isn't that much of an inconvenience) but if you feel you don't want to put him out then you need to find the money to use public transport/taxi/insurance. It's not ideal, but you can't 100% please everyone so a workable compromise is the best you can hope for.

And I know it's not the point of the thread, but I'm just very curious about these split finances. I know it's not uncommon but I've never understood it. My experience as as a partner/spouse has always been that all the money for household expenses is deducted from our combined incomes, savings the same then the rest, disposable income, is equally available to both parties. I couldn't live like this where if there was an additional expense/shortfall on the part of the lesser earner the other would need to sub them or do them some kind of favour.

The thread wasn't supposed to be as much about drop offs and pick ups as it was about the actual sleeping over part.

It's not really worth me getting on OHs insurance as we live in the middle of nowhere so it makes more sense for me to have my own anyway and that's my aim as it will shorten my commute to and from work a lot as well.