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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sleeping over, family fall out and a load of pressure and guilt trips....WWYD?

136 replies

thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 12:12

I've posted about my DPs (Parents) and OH not getting along before (name changed since and then someone used my original username Sad) the fall out only happened around August this year so still fresh and raw.

Try to cut it short and I really need some advice as I feel quite upset over the whole situation.

My family is from a different country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the day before it gets celebrated in UK. Which is good for me as I don't have to juggle who's side we see on what day etc.
Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday and then drop him off at OHs DMs house as I'm at work and like I said them and my OH don't really talk (it's more from my OHs side).
This week they asked me if instead of doing the usual could me and DS come over and sleep over at their house on Friday and spend Christmas Eve with them, have dinner, open presents and they would drop us off home Christmas Eve before DSs bed time (7pm).
Asked my OH what he thinks and he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday so he could spend it with me and DS up until I had to go to work (I work 5pm into evening) and then he could have a bit of time with DS and put him to bed etc. as he never really gets much time off throughout the year and recently not been able to spend that much time with DS due to work etc.
I said 'how about we have the day together and then DS could be picked up/dropped off at my DPs house and I'd go there after work and we could spend the night + Christmas Eve there and get dropped back off' to which OH has made clear that he won't drop him off and isn't really up for them collecting him as he doesn't want to be around them and doesn't even like my parents being around DS but he knows they're his GPs and he needs to see them etc.
I said that its just hard because if I was to make my way there on Christmas Eve by the time we eat etc we'll have to head home with DS so it'll all be lots of faffing around and rushed.
I think OH saw I was a bit upset so he said that they could collect DS Friday evening from his DMs house (she only lives up the road).
But then he came back into the room after his shower and said he doesn't understand why everything has to get arranged around my DPs and he shouldn't have to change his plans/ rearrange things so that it suits them especially considering why they fell out in the first place and said how we could do nice things together on that Friday and then he could tuck DS in bed later. And he sort of left it there Confused

I've briefly spoken to my DPs about this now and mentioned that OH actually has a day off on that Friday and wanted to spend it with us as we won't get any other days apart from Christmas Day when we're at OHs family and I'm back at work Boxing Day etc. My DF has basically said what I mentioned to OH 'how about we get DS in the evening before bedtime' so I just said I'll see and let them know.
I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc...

And now I don't know what to do because I feel like either way I will be sad because I know one side won't be happy and it feels like I just have to choose which side I upset depending on my decision....

WWYD?

OP posts:
RB68 · 17/12/2016 13:10

Ok this is going to take some compromise on both sides so Friday home and overnight at home, sat go to Parents but hubby has to drop you/facilitate making this easy for you instead of being a royal pain as what was in his head was not communicated to you - although what your parents and you planned also wasn't communicated to him to be fair

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/12/2016 13:13

I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc

This sounds really creepy. Why are your parents so overly involved with your child. Surely they are the ones stopping your dh from doing things with his ds.

If as you have put it your parents have misused your husbands trust to such an extent that the ramifications are going to have a long lasting effect . Why are you so worried about disappointing them

From what you have written you don't seem to have cut the apron strings. You seem more invested in trying to please your parents than seeing things for yourself

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:16

I didn't plan it yet when my DM asked me I said I will speak to OH first and let them know. So it wasn't like we arranged it and made the decision already...

I just wish I could insure my car already but don't think I can afford it yet....
That way I could have everything ready the night before and get there first thing in the morning just after DS has breakfast but I'm stuck ATM Xmas Envy

OP posts:
Brewdolf · 17/12/2016 13:17

Ok this is going to take some compromise on both sides so Friday home and overnight at home, sat go to Parents but hubby has to drop you/facilitate making this easy for you instead

This. Best of both worlds. DH gets what he wants for all of Friday but you also don't get put out on Xmas Eve. Otherwise its all what DH wants.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:18

Oliversmum I think they feel that way because 1) we live in a different country and I'm their only family 2) DS sees OHs parents pretty much everyday 3) we used to be really close before I moved out and now barely see each other.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 13:19

And no my DP wouldn't give me a lift there even though he hasn't planned anything for that day

Is he controlling?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:23

bacon no he isn't he just said that he doesn't want anything to do with 'that side of things' meaning he doesn't want anything to do with arranging for them to see him, drop offs or pick ups and himself getting invited to family dos etc etc

OP posts:
AlmaMartyr · 17/12/2016 13:23

I agree completely with your DH I think.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:24

But I might just end up taking RB68s advice and ask him to do that for me anyway... Even thought he might be miserable the whole way.

OP posts:
BreakfastLunchPasta · 17/12/2016 13:26

I don't understand why he won't give you a lift? The ideal would be for you and ds to visit them for the day Christmas Eve.

This is so difficult for you op, having to split yourself in two.

happychristmaspoobum · 17/12/2016 13:28

I still don't understand.

You live an hour away from DPs you say.

Then you say that if you get up in the morning and go to DPs, you will get there "quite late and then we'd only get a few hrs before we had to head back for DSs bedtime." Which of these statements is true, they can't both be.

Is there no public transport from your house to DPs house?

I really think you should spend all of Friday with OH, get up and go to parents on Christmas Eve and then come home again. You really are over complicating it with all these picking ups and droppings off.

Brewdolf · 17/12/2016 13:28

Basically your DH is putting you in a position of choosing between him and your dps. You have a compromise that suits all parties, he just has to suck up and be the adult for a change. Dropping you off doesn't mean he even has to see them.

Whilst I agree he should trump them on the Friday largely in this instance, that shouldn't be at your expense which this is looking like doing. You need to stop making this about your dps seeing dc and about you and your dc spending quality time with their family too.

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 13:30

So he'll make your father do a two hour round trip in the morning instead.. And you have a car but can't drive it as you can't afford to pay for the insurance? Can your DH add you into his insurance?

underneaththeash · 17/12/2016 13:30

I'm obviously missing something...why can't you drive yourself there on Christmas Eve?

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 13:30

DP I mean

underneaththeash · 17/12/2016 13:32

Ah I see that you have a car, you don't need to pay for a year's worth of insurance, just insure your car for a week and then drive to your parents on Christmas Eve.

bluebeck · 17/12/2016 13:33

Are you the poster whose parents refused to fill in their staircase which had open slats, and your DS had a horrible accident falling through them?

I really feel we have half a story and either the parents or the OH are abusive bastards.

stitchglitched · 17/12/2016 13:33

Maybe I'm reading a different thread to everyone else but I think your DH sounds like a right pain. You have to tolerate his family everyday but when you manage to arrange to see your family without involving him he suddenly throws a spanner in the works. So you suggest another compromise but he won't give you a lift. I'd be interested to know what the fall out involved tbh.

Astro55 · 17/12/2016 13:34

Is there no public transport from your house to DPs house?

Her bus from work goes Caitlyn the village - if it's an hours drive - how long does the bus take?

There will be buses on Saturday?

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 13:34

^ good idea

Astro55 · 17/12/2016 13:34

Via not Caitlyn!! LOl

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 13:35

(insure your car for a few days)

ClopySow · 17/12/2016 13:35

This sounds really creepy. Why are your parents so overly involved with your child. Surely they are the ones stopping your dh from doing things with his ds

Huh?

Anyway - did your parents fuck him over?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:36

Sorry seems like I explained it wrong! It would be about an hour to 1hr15 for my DF to get from his to my house, collect us and come back home with us.
But IABU to think my DF shouldn't really be doing this on Christmas Eve morning when it's our "Christmas day"? He probably would do it but I think that's a bit unfair on him too...

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 17/12/2016 13:37

bluebeck no I am not that poster.

OP posts:
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