Sleeping over, family fall out and a load of pressure and guilt trips....WWYD?

[thetwocultures]

I've posted about my DPs (Parents) and OH not getting along before (name changed since and then someone used my original username ) the fall out only happened around August this year so still fresh and raw.

Try to cut it short and I really need some advice as I feel quite upset over the whole situation.

My family is from a different country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the day before it gets celebrated in UK. Which is good for me as I don't have to juggle who's side we see on what day etc.
Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday and then drop him off at OHs DMs house as I'm at work and like I said them and my OH don't really talk (it's more from my OHs side).
This week they asked me if instead of doing the usual could me and DS come over and sleep over at their house on Friday and spend Christmas Eve with them, have dinner, open presents and they would drop us off home Christmas Eve before DSs bed time (7pm).
Asked my OH what he thinks and he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday so he could spend it with me and DS up until I had to go to work (I work 5pm into evening) and then he could have a bit of time with DS and put him to bed etc. as he never really gets much time off throughout the year and recently not been able to spend that much time with DS due to work etc.
I said 'how about we have the day together and then DS could be picked up/dropped off at my DPs house and I'd go there after work and we could spend the night + Christmas Eve there and get dropped back off' to which OH has made clear that he won't drop him off and isn't really up for them collecting him as he doesn't want to be around them and doesn't even like my parents being around DS but he knows they're his GPs and he needs to see them etc.
I said that its just hard because if I was to make my way there on Christmas Eve by the time we eat etc we'll have to head home with DS so it'll all be lots of faffing around and rushed.
I think OH saw I was a bit upset so he said that they could collect DS Friday evening from his DMs house (she only lives up the road).
But then he came back into the room after his shower and said he doesn't understand why everything has to get arranged around my DPs and he shouldn't have to change his plans/ rearrange things so that it suits them especially considering why they fell out in the first place and said how we could do nice things together on that Friday and then he could tuck DS in bed later. And he sort of left it there

I've briefly spoken to my DPs about this now and mentioned that OH actually has a day off on that Friday and wanted to spend it with us as we won't get any other days apart from Christmas Day when we're at OHs family and I'm back at work Boxing Day etc. My DF has basically said what I mentioned to OH 'how about we get DS in the evening before bedtime' so I just said I'll see and let them know.
I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc...

And now I don't know what to do because I feel like either way I will be sad because I know one side won't be happy and it feels like I just have to choose which side I upset depending on my decision....

WWYD?

Does he ever cancel his own plans so he can put DS to bed, or is it just yours?

I'm not in the UK so don't know the ins and outs, but if you can't afford to insure your car would it be feasible to rent a car for the day to ferry you back and forth? Take your DH's car? Would your parents be willing to do the pick up/drop off since your DH won't?

I do agree that DH's wishes come before your parents unless you think he's done this just to be obstructive.

stitch his family are lovely and they are kind enough to help us out with childcare in between the hours I set off for work and OH comes back from his job that's all.
But ultimately they get a few hrs with DS 4 days a week vs my parents who see him once.

I dunno stitch possibly. Although OP says Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday so they are seeing their grandson very regularly and frequently.

Now i am really confused. Your parents live in a different country.
1 hour away.
Just up the road from your husbands parents. They don't see him.
But your husbands parents see him everyday either on a Monday or Wednesday.
Before dropping him off at your parents who never see him apart from each week on a Monday or Wednesday.

I think OP and her family are together in their non-native country, for example they could be French living in the UK

Am also confused! Was it something really awful that instigated fall out or was it just something he/they see as awful?

Well it just seems a shame that you couldn't stick with your original plan since it made practical sense especially since your DH doesn't want to clap eyes on them ever. He just seems obstructive to me, unless your parents were really really awful to him but it is hard to tell without knowing the reasons for the fall out.

Olivermum

Me and my parents are FROM a different country they live in the UK about 30 mins away from me.

OHs parents live up the road from us and see DS 4-5 times a week.

My parents see DS 1 time a week either on a Monday or Wednesday.

Because my OH and my DPs have fallen out with each other OH prefers that when they drop DS back off (when I'm still at work) that they leave him at his DMs house because he doesn't really want to talk to them.

Can you insure your car for the day?

OFFS OP. Insure your fucking car so you can drive yourself. Or get a taxi there on Christmas Eve morning. Or use one to get back to yours in the evening, so your dad only has one trip, which frankly, should not be seen as an imposition or inconvenience when the reward is a lovely day with their family. Get yourself and your son to your parents on Christmas Eve, and don't involve your husband, since he does not wish to be involved. Then have a lovely weekend with your husband. Stop fretting about the situation, pull on big girl pants and just sort it out!

If not your DP is an arse for wanting you to compromise your plans to suit himself whilst he isn't willing to compromise by dropping you off in the morning.

Oh, and if you don't want to say why the fall-out, don't. Ignore the gossips hovering for dirt! Irrelevant to the practical point, which is how and when you get from A to B on Christmas Eve. Which you already know how to resolve.

And if you haven't the cash to insure your car for the day, and he wants you to stay at home on Fri eve but is refusing to drop you there, then the least he could do is lend you the money.

I don't think it would be all that terrible for your DF to drive for an hour or so Christmas eve morning; then your dh pick you up later. That way your parents get to have a drink on their Christmas.

You should look into getting insured just even fro the week as suggested by a poster upthread. Then you'd have a half hour drive there, half hour back, and not need depend on any of the men to give you a lift.

Why can youa a couple afford insurance for dh but not for you? This doesn't seem quite fair?

stitch I can't seem to be able to decide wether he's being obstructive....I think he just feels like he needs to put his foot down and have his way rather than accommodate them.

Re the fall out DPs are blaming OH for a lot and OH is blaming DPs . It's not petty as my OH used to be very close with my dad and considered him a close friend so he wouldn't just fall out over nothing.
But the top and bottom of it is my DPs haven't really fallen out with him it's more him with them. They'd have him over for Christmas if he wanted to come etc. But on the other hand they've been able to just walk away from that situation wheras my OH (and me I guess) will be dealing with the aftermath for years (especially financially).

Without knowing what the reason for the fall out was, I don't think we can judge the ops DH for not wanting to facilitate lifts either way. If it was something serious then it may be understandable.

I get the sense your parents are the issue here though so I do feel for your DH.

Why can't you insure your car though?

How much is it to insure your car for the day?

And it sounds like both sets of GPs have lots of contact and time. My parents live 250 miles away and my ILs live 12 000 miles away. How many times a year do you imagine they get to see their grandchildren? You know what to do, stop creating mountains out of molehills, just sort out the practical stuff so everyone gets what they want on the day. 30 minutes drive is sod all.

I've just realised yours is the partner who throws a strop when you don't have his shirts ironed for him. Yeah I'm sticking with him being the controlling one. And he is happy to go out in an evening, do his own thing when it suits him but the one day you have made plans is the one night he just really really wants to put his son to bed.

I'm currently looking at getting myself insured... I just don't know if I'll be able to get by until the next pay day...

OH would not be able to do his job if he didn't have a car so it's not really U of him as it is a necessity for him and up to now wasn't really for me. And we're not really flush ATM if you know what I mean.

OP, did you come on here to get a practical, and quite simple problem resolved; or did you come on here so people could make judgements about your husband? Do you want people telling you you're married to an arse? are you looking for ammunition for a row with your husband?

Okay I understand re the insurance.
I just feel bad for you, you seem to be the one bearing the brunt of the financial problems and the fall out between dh and dps.
Perhaps your parents could help with the cost of insurance, it does sound as if they are in some way way responsible for your current lack of funds?

But on the other hand they've been able to just walk away from that situation wheras my OH (and me I guess) will be dealing with the aftermath for years (especially financially).

Is this why you cant afford car insurance

Insurance for the day (I just did a search with my details) would probably be somewhere in the region of £30. Although it might just be cheaper to get a cab. Do you have £30? If you don't have £30, then you will need a lift from your dad. Who shouldn't mind collecting his daughter and grandchild. Or, as BLP has said, might pay for insuring your car as a present.