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to say no to this request from a friend?

(1002 Posts)
TidyDancer Sun 21-Jul-13 10:16:33

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

KitNCaboodle Sun 21-Jul-13 10:26:52

Why do weddings skew perspectives?
She's incredibly unreasonable and you're incredibly busy that day. Cheeky moo!

TidyDancer Sun 21-Jul-13 10:27:03

Thank you all for your replies smile

She would know I would likely have to get childcare to help her, so it's not hugely convenient anyway!

diddl Sun 21-Jul-13 10:27:20

Do you want to help?

If not-don't!

Tbh, I don't see why you should have to help if you didn't want to even if you were invited!

Other people have lives to get on with!

internationallove985 Sun 21-Jul-13 10:28:13

Tell her to stick her wedding invitation where the sun don't shine, and tell her to ask someone who has invited to her wedding to help her decorate the venue. You don't owe her anything. The audacity of some people. x

RobotBananas Sun 21-Jul-13 10:28:21

Please email back something like "are you fucking joking?"

Binkyridesagain Sun 21-Jul-13 10:28:31

YANBU just tell her no, you do not need to find an excuse for not helping.

CecilyP Sun 21-Jul-13 10:28:55

I think she is being very cheeky. If she sent a save the date card and then no wedding invite, at the very least, she should have phoned you to explain the reason. Again, if she really needed your help, instead of sending an email, she should have phoned, apologised for not inviting you and again given the reason before asking for your help.

So, YANBU, refusal to help is perfectly understandable, not petty at all.

expatinscotland Sun 21-Jul-13 10:30:14

Tell her no! She's got a cheek. 'I'm not available for that.' No explanation.

Crumbledwalnuts Sun 21-Jul-13 10:30:17


Some people are very badly brought up - I wouldn't associate with them in any way, but I suppose you have to respond and say no. You could add "What on earth is wrong with you?" but people like that will never know.

Redlocks30 Sun 21-Jul-13 10:30:27

Horribly rude! Does she have form for selfish behaviour?

Email back-sorry, but no.

Yonionekanobe Sun 21-Jul-13 10:30:30

May need Mumsnet assistance for a good excuse

I don't think you need a 'good excuse', I think you need to tell her where to stick her bouquet.

claudedebussy Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:11

i would email back

'you're kidding, right?'

and leave it at that.

usuallyright Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:18

tell her the truth.
Say: " I would help normally, but it feels a bit weird seeing as you've not invited me to your wedding'

RaisingChaotic Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:18

YANBU She's being a cheeky cow.

Just tell her, no, it's not convenient.

Bakingtins Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:18

I would assume that a save the date card meant you were invited, and more than that, that she really particularly wanted you there, hence giving you lots of warning to make sure you didn't have other commitments on that date by the time invitations went out. Really odd to do that and not invite you.
Unbelievably cheeky to then expect you to help! I think cuttingpicasso has it spot on. Or just "No".

LunaticFringe Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:35

She sounds a right nob.

No way would i be helping her.

DragonMamma Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:37

I am sat here agog


She is a cheeky cow

ImagineJL Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:43

"thank you for inviting me to help with your wedding decorations. I will save the date and let you know nearer the time"

TidyDancer Sun 21-Jul-13 10:31:55

Ah see I can't be certain she sent the save the date card to be sure I'd be available to help. She has done the same to about 20 people so I suspect this is just a bonus to her.

I didn't see this kind of behaviour in her before. She and her fiancé are normal. Friend works for the NHS and her husband is a teacher. They are average people! I'm not sure what kind of person I expected a bridezilla to be, but I suppose weddings turn even the most level headed people crackers!

expatinscotland Sun 21-Jul-13 10:32:19

You don't need an excuse, either. I'm not available is one.

2tired2bewitty Sun 21-Jul-13 10:32:24

Ooh, if you have small children perhaps you could take them along to 'help'. Surely every bridezilla's nightmare, having your venue decorated by an enthusiastic 5 year old grin

RandomMess Sun 21-Jul-13 10:33:24

Sorry no childcare as I cancelled it once I realised I wasn't invited to the wedding despite receiving a save the date card smile

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 21-Jul-13 10:33:45

Weeeellll, you could always agree enthusiastically, get involved with her plans etc, and then have diplomatic flu/childcare crisis on the day. But I may be in a bit of a bitchy mood this morning. blush (Am normally nice, honest.)

EvieanneVolvic Sun 21-Jul-13 10:34:06

weddings turn even the most level headed people crackers!

This would be a wonderful strapline for a wedding magazine or wedding planner!

You are so right though!

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