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At the end of my tether with ds 10 sleeping in our bed

(59 Posts)
Velveteal Thu 13-Feb-20 20:32:54

I don’t know how to handle this. He hasn’t slept in our bed since he was 5 and even then it was only when he was ill. Suddenly in November he started needing us to be upstairs with his while he feel asleep, then he needed us sitting by his door. By December he was in tears and on the verge of panicking over going to sleep in his own room. He started sneaking into our bed during the night.

It was just getting worse and worse so we made the decision to let him sleep in with us all night. It’s actually been lovely. He’s been falling asleep peacefully and sleeping all night.

We did this for a couple of weeks and then thought we’d try him back in his own bed. He did really well to start with, falling asleep within 15 minutes with no upset and one of us sitting by his door. We’re a week in and back to square one. He was so upset tonight. So he’s back in our bed again.

There’s nothing specific worrying him (eg school). He’s scared of things like his toys watching him, that awful momo character from last year, ghosts, burglars. I think he’s at an age where he’s aware of what’s going on in the world, kids in school (yr 6) are full of ghost stories and crap like that and he’s got an over active imagination.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s not a problem for him to sleep in our bed at all but I feel like I should be doing something more to help him. Will he just grown out of it? It’s frustrating when he’s got such a lovely, safe and secure home life. Are there other 10 (nearly 11) year olds doing this? I wouldn’t ever tell anyone in our real life about it because I know he’d be embarrassed but I could really do with some advice! Many thanks.

Basilandparsleyandmint Thu 13-Feb-20 20:46:55

I used to do this with my mum when I was between the ages of 9-12 ( single parents family) and just grew out of it.
I used to wake in the night and creep in with my eyes closed and scared.
I can’t explain why I woke but just felt but felt safer in her bed.
If it isn’t causing either of you a huge problem then perhaps go with it for a while and hopefully it will pass.
However it is maybe contact the school nurse team for advice

Kirksutherland Thu 13-Feb-20 20:47:09

He's probably seen/ heard something that's frightened him. I would try get to the bottom of that. But overall if it doesn't bother you too much, I'd let him stay for now. Try again maybe in couple of weeks. My 8 year old still gets in my bed occasionally after a bad dream. It will most likely come to a natural end.

tinatsarina Thu 13-Feb-20 20:52:55

If it's toys etc then would taking the out of the room be an option? Has he got a night light? Tbh if you and your partner are fine with him in your bed then I don't see an issue with it. He obviously needs reassurance even just for a while. He may well grow out of it. Has he started secondary school yet?

Velveteal Thu 13-Feb-20 20:56:18

Thankyou both. He’s very good at talking to us about how he’s feeling. I really don’t think there’s anything more to it than his imagination running wild at night. He said last night he felt like someone was watching him and he’s turned all his pop figures around to face the wall. We chat to him about what’s real and what’s not, we explain how safe he is at home etc but it’s not made any difference.

I think we’ll just let him sleep in with us if that’s what he needs. It’s awful seeing him so upset at bedtime.

He’s doing great apart from this-he’s happy in school, has a lovely group of friends. He’s social and outgrowing.

If I knew that he was just going to put grow it naturally, even if it took a year or more it really wouldn’t matter. I’m just worried I’m making things worse.

Velveteal Thu 13-Feb-20 20:58:23

tinatsarina He starts secondary school in September. I could understand if he was in year 7 and needing that comfort at night but he really hasn’t got any ‘issues’ at school,

We could take all his toys out. I’ll ask him tomorrow if he thinks that might help. He’s got a night light.

Iggly Thu 13-Feb-20 20:59:04

My ds is 10 and having similar issues. I’m going to get him a weighted blanket. He sleeps better after a day when he’s had sport but finds it hard to relax.

I was similar at this age. Not entirely sure why.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime Thu 13-Feb-20 21:00:11

DD has slept in my bed almost every night for the last 10 years. Only child and I'm a single parent, she has a lovely bedroom and a very cosy comfortable bed and she can sleep on her own as she stays at her dad, friends and grandparents and sleeps just fine but she doesn't want to at home. She says it's nice and warm and cosy sleeping next to me, I'm sure she'll eventually outgrow it, butit's not doing either of us any harm. Of course if there is two of you, you are going to want your space and marital bed back.

WalkingOutOfFlabbiness Thu 13-Feb-20 21:00:26

I know a fair few who haven’t stopped sharing u too 12/13 - he will put grow it as suddenly as it has come on

stargirl1701 Thu 13-Feb-20 21:01:15

I slept with my mum for months after starting S1. A new 'friend' had shown me The Shining on video. My Dad turfed me out and I then barely slept for at least a year.

I would let him stay.

PiratePetespajamas Thu 13-Feb-20 21:01:49

I don’t have children this old but I suspect it’s a little like cosleeping with younger ones (and I do have experience of that): they just grow out of it one day. If you’re all sleeping well and don’t mind I wouldn’t worry about it at all. I reckon he’ll just decide he doesn’t need to anymore one day himself. Best of luck xx

Beansandcoffee Thu 13-Feb-20 21:02:51

I wouldn’t worry about him being in your bed. I would check that there are no other issues. He will return to his bed when he is ready. Probably once he starts secondary school or puberty,

singingpinkmonkey Thu 13-Feb-20 21:02:53

I went through this when I was 10. It lasted a few months and I cant really explain why. I just went through a phase of being terrified of sleeping on my own. My poor dad would sleep in my bed while I got in with my mum! I eventually accepted that I had nothing to be scared of and went back to my own bed! Never had a sleep issue since!

moobar Thu 13-Feb-20 21:07:04

My nephew is a bit like this.

I've stayed off the aunty wanting a room for niece thread.

We have a strange set up, two brothers, sil and I get on very well. We never had children until last year quite unexpectedly after fifteen years of struggles.

Nephew fifteen and niece seventeen have rooms here and at home. We all live on the same farm miles from anywhere.

He will happily sleep here and there and nowhere else.

My sil works hard on the farm and I used to get phone calls in the night when she was in the lambing shed saying he wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home from a sleepover. That was at about 11. He's now 15 and still won't go anywhere else. He's a lovely boy, just likes his security. He will often ask for cuddles or extra chat at bedtime.

So I'm not sure, but nephew will ride a horse, bike and is tough at a days work, yet at night very very wants to be with one of us.

Velveteal Thu 13-Feb-20 21:07:45

Thanks for all the reassuring replies! It’s so good to hear other dc are the same.

DH and I have a very happy, secure marriage. We both just want DS to go to bed feeling relaxed and safe so we don’t mind sacrificing the marital bed if that’s what’s needed. We’ll just have to make sure we get some alone time elsewhere! I really thought these days were long behind us! He co-slept for the first 2 years and then we moved house and he went straight into his own room and we never had any issues at all.

I will say he also hates sleepovers too. He’s done a few school residential trips that he’s enjoyed but he’s never managed a sleep over at a friends house. The few times he’s tried he’s come home ‘feeling sick’. He’s had no practice though, any time we go out our parents baby sit but they look after him here and then go home when we get in. We’ve never stayed away over night without him.

monstermissy Thu 13-Feb-20 21:09:16

My 12 year old used to sleep in my bed all the time... now he will probably sleep in with me maybe 2/3 nights at most. He's started taking himself back into his bed and sometimes I turf him out. He's in year 8 and would be mortified if his mates knew but I think as a lone parent family we are all so busy in the week, I work full time and don't get home till 5.30pm etc... it's often the only time we get to chat/watch tv together etc... he likes to be close to me.

Like I said it's railing off now so I can't see it happening much longer but it doesn't bother me.

CrikeyYouDontWasteTime Thu 13-Feb-20 21:09:51

My ds slept in my bed on and off for years and all the time between ages of 9-11. He stopped after we went on holiday and he had a big double bed all to himself. When we got back he then slept in his own bed with a little encouragement the first night, because he'd got used to it.

Velveteal Thu 13-Feb-20 21:12:38

Oh shit, how are we supposed to have a night out if he can’t fall asleep in his own bed!🙈 not that we’re party animals or anything (obviously as this has only just dawned on me and it’s been a problem since November!). I suppose I could set him up with his duvet on the sofa and he can just stay up with his gp’s, watch a film with them and then nod off there when he gets tired.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime Thu 13-Feb-20 21:48:49

The irony, Dds decided to sleep in her own bed tonight, she's not done that since the summer lol.

Luckypoppy Thu 13-Feb-20 22:02:50

May be try a ready bed on your bedroom floor. He is allowed to stay in your room but sleeps in his own area. The lack of comfort may eventually move him away from you and back into his own bed. At least he could sneak in and not wake you.

Whoopsmahoot Thu 13-Feb-20 22:11:56

My son went through a similar phase around that age , absolutely no idea what brought it on. I had to sit on his bedroom floor and read my kindle until he fell asleep. He was so scared of being alone. He was always a brilliant sleeper before this. Then one night he said he was ok and I stopped. Went on for a few months. Very odd at the time.

DotBall Thu 13-Feb-20 22:18:28

My DS went through this on the change from Yr6 to Yr7. Nothing was playing on his mind, he was looking forward to it, but he had quite a few scary night terrors and needed cuddles in bed overnight.

He’s now 22 and has a girlfriend to cuddle 😁.
It won’t last forever, so do whatever it takes to comfort him.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Thu 13-Feb-20 22:32:11

So does he wait for your bedtime then before going up? Isn’t he tired?

Aveisenim Thu 13-Feb-20 22:41:49

Honestly? I'd let him stay. I slept co-slept with my main carer until I was about 12 and I still have happy memories about it now, it made me feel SO safe. I outgrew it on my own when I started to become aware of my own body more etc. Every time they tried to turf me out it broke my heart and made me need that assurance/security even more. As an adult, I still sleep better if my partner is in bed with me. It's a normal, human need. It won't last forever.

Schmoozer Thu 13-Feb-20 22:48:26

My 12 yr old dd ...... in my bed right now !!
Not all
The time, occasionally. I enjoy the snuggles , she won’t want to soon enough !

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