At the end of my tether with ds 10 sleeping in our bed

[Velveteal]

I don’t know how to handle this. He hasn’t slept in our bed since he was 5 and even then it was only when he was ill. Suddenly in November he started needing us to be upstairs with his while he feel asleep, then he needed us sitting by his door. By December he was in tears and on the verge of panicking over going to sleep in his own room. He started sneaking into our bed during the night.

It was just getting worse and worse so we made the decision to let him sleep in with us all night. It’s actually been lovely. He’s been falling asleep peacefully and sleeping all night.

We did this for a couple of weeks and then thought we’d try him back in his own bed. He did really well to start with, falling asleep within 15 minutes with no upset and one of us sitting by his door. We’re a week in and back to square one. He was so upset tonight. So he’s back in our bed again.

There’s nothing specific worrying him (eg school). He’s scared of things like his toys watching him, that awful momo character from last year, ghosts, burglars. I think he’s at an age where he’s aware of what’s going on in the world, kids in school (yr 6) are full of ghost stories and crap like that and he’s got an over active imagination.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s not a problem for him to sleep in our bed at all but I feel like I should be doing something more to help him. Will he just grown out of it? It’s frustrating when he’s got such a lovely, safe and secure home life. Are there other 10 (nearly 11) year olds doing this? I wouldn’t ever tell anyone in our real life about it because I know he’d be embarrassed but I could really do with some advice! Many thanks.

OP my DD went through a similar phase last year. She always slept well in her own bed. Then from Christmas last year when she was in year 6 suddenly really anxious wanting to sleep in all the time (single parent so not such an issue space wise!)horrific anxiety about me going to work even when in the care of her father, texting me all the time to say she missed me etc

Nothing specific caused it and looking back I think it was a combo of hormones and anxiety about the change to senior school. I really think the change from primary to secondary is a big thing for them that we as adults underestimate.

Soon as she started year 7 and adjusted/actually did quite well it resolved and she is back to her old self. I think you just have to bear with it, be super understanding, listen to them and you will get through.

What about leaving an audio book running for him?

I have an overactive imagination and if I wake at night all sorts of fears and dreads start running through my head (and I'm forty years too old to get in bed with mum, besides which, she's long gone!). So I have Audible running familiar books through my phone at night (particularly keen on Harry Potter or Swallows and Amazons).

The reasurance of a voice in the background tends to keep me asleep. Might be worth a try?

Thanks again everyone, I’ll keep the audio book idea in mind, he loves Harry Potter so that might be a good distraction.

Tonight we’ve put his mattress on the floor at the bottom of our bed, he’s really excited about it. I think it’s a good half way point and he feels better about needing to be with us as he’s not technically in our bed, just in our room. So thankyou to those who suggested that idea, I wouldn’t have thought of it.

He’s such a sweet boy, he’s dragged in his duvet, teddies and clock and piled his pillows on both sides to make it cosy. Lovely to see him going to bed happy.

A sleepover!!
Bless him, maybe the landing next week 😂

Hopefully he will get a good nights sleep, being tired the next day causes me anxiety.

DS has slept on his own since age 11. Growing up he co-slept until age 2, then slept in my bed, in another bed in the same room, and in his own room on and off over the years. At 11 he had to transition from sharing a room with me for six months, to having a bedroom on a different floor when we moved, so he slept in my bed at first and moved out when he felt ready.

I think that by allowing him to sleep with you, you are reinforcing his belief that it’s not safe for him to sleep alone.
It’s a normal stage of development to go through for him. He has realised that there are dangers in the world to be wary of. You need to help him come to terms with how to cope with his fears of what is a reasonable fear and what isn’t.

@Velveteal how was his night on the cost mattress? It's good that he's ok with a halfway point cuz that gives you space that you both need.