At the end of my tether with ds 10 sleeping in our bed

[Velveteal]

I don’t know how to handle this. He hasn’t slept in our bed since he was 5 and even then it was only when he was ill. Suddenly in November he started needing us to be upstairs with his while he feel asleep, then he needed us sitting by his door. By December he was in tears and on the verge of panicking over going to sleep in his own room. He started sneaking into our bed during the night.

It was just getting worse and worse so we made the decision to let him sleep in with us all night. It’s actually been lovely. He’s been falling asleep peacefully and sleeping all night.

We did this for a couple of weeks and then thought we’d try him back in his own bed. He did really well to start with, falling asleep within 15 minutes with no upset and one of us sitting by his door. We’re a week in and back to square one. He was so upset tonight. So he’s back in our bed again.

There’s nothing specific worrying him (eg school). He’s scared of things like his toys watching him, that awful momo character from last year, ghosts, burglars. I think he’s at an age where he’s aware of what’s going on in the world, kids in school (yr 6) are full of ghost stories and crap like that and he’s got an over active imagination.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s not a problem for him to sleep in our bed at all but I feel like I should be doing something more to help him. Will he just grown out of it? It’s frustrating when he’s got such a lovely, safe and secure home life. Are there other 10 (nearly 11) year olds doing this? I wouldn’t ever tell anyone in our real life about it because I know he’d be embarrassed but I could really do with some advice! Many thanks.

My son is 10 and he has been sleeping in my bed pretty much his whole life. He goes through periods where he goes back to his own room but the majority of the time he is with me.

I would really like my space back. I really enjoy sleeping alone when he is with his father. He is a happy, secure, loving boy who loves cuddles. I am starting to move him on by allowing him in at weekends and school holidays only, and this is going well. I think we both look forward to the weekends now, for me because I know there won’t be many more of these nights to come.

Thanks again for all the replies. We’re going to let him sleep in with us and hope he just grows out of the phase.

To a pp who asked,I have some health problems so I go to bed between 8 and 9 most nights and I have to be up early for work so it doesn’t disrupt our routine at all. If I want to ‘stay up later’ I get into bed with him and watch Netflix on my phone with headphones.

Having worked with primary age kids for years, I found that some boys in Year 6 would wobble as their 11th birthday neared. I think it felt to some like a much more grown up age. There would be lots of talk in and out of school about the need to be more responsible, more independent, more “grown up”. Talk too of moving on, the next stage, making the most of their last year of primary school etc. I think some boys secretly feared that 11 marks the end of childhood and being carefree. Some start refusing to do things they used to like doing as they deem it childish, sometimes adults make the decision for them. They also fear puberty and what physically will happen......
I think giving boys this age the chance/ encourage them to do giddy, carefree activities they might have dropped. Think about whether your son is hearing words like “responsible” far too often.... Talk openly about how being 11 is not the end of childhood and what might be seen as childlike behaviour.

Wow farnworth, that makes an awful lot of sense. They’ve been doing sex Ed in school this year, tonnes of SATS revision, DS has come home a few times saying that if he’s said or written something ‘silly’ his teacher will say ‘that’s what September Harry would write/say/do’. So whilst he is happy in school that could all be having an impact on him. He is still silly at home and we do make sure the weekends are full of fun stuff.

I think the way forward is to let him sleep in with us, get him relaxed and sleeping well again. It really doesn’t matter how long it takes. I feel horrible for pushing him out now, last night wasn’t my finest parenting hour. I didn’t shout but I did give him a firm talking to ‘calm down, you’re perfectly safe, close your eyes etc’ in my best ‘firm mum’ voice. I thought it might have snapped him out of it but it obviously didn’t. I’ll chat to him later.

I bet school staff have made lots of comments to year 6 about how they need to be more responsible and grown up...
I totally agree with your approach, and talking to him would be good - often helps to talk when doing something (baking, Lego, dog walking) or when in car as it feels less intense for the child and so easier for them to think and talk.
If it continues maybe think about a discreet word with his teacher?

At the same age I just all of a sudden got really aware of growing up, I think it's the impending move to secondary school. I was simultaneously excited and terrified. I would cry myself to sleep but be thoroughly unable to articulate how I feeling.ithink because I didn't really know why I felt like I did. It's only with retrospect that I know

Be kind to him, it'll pass and he will grow out of it. Sounds like you are doing wonderfully with him.

My 5 yo is the same. He's scared of robbers and toys watching him. I have no idea how to calm his fears other than to let him snuggle up to mama!

Yes I used to do this at that age. I still remember the sheer terror I had at night. It came about from watching horror films with my older sister and her friends. Let him sleep with you, he’ll be grown up and gone before you know it.

I'd be looking at moving things in his bedroom that seem to be bothering him first of all. Make sure he has a night light that stays on. When he goes up to bed, can one of you be pottering round upstairs so he can hear you? Or maybe watch tv in your bedroom again so he knows you are close by?
I used to believe that there was someone hiding under my bed and as an adult have always bought beds that go right down to the floor! (No room for the bogeyman now!)
Ask him what his fears are, then try to address those fears. When we get lighter nights he may well be happier back in his own bed.

Does he watch YouTube?
If he's using a phone and watching videos, make sure you monitor the content. You'll have to put a family setting on the phone. My money is on him watching videos that are creeping him out.
This combined with the anxiety of secondary makes 9-11 a tricky time. It's a very transitional age.

I think it's normal for yr6 to have a wobble my DC did....I think it's an accumulation of things and lots of change coming... as well as more awareness of the world at large... it's a tough year for Stressful events.. I would just go with it .,.
And make the most of the end of the child stage ....

Thanks for all the suggestions we have tried everything-he’s got a night light, one of us up stairs with him. The only thing we haven’t tried is removing the toys that are ‘watching him’ but he’s got other things he’s scared of too so I don’t think that would solve it entirely.

All parental settings in place, tv in living room so we see what he’s watching on YouTube. He doesn’t have a phone yet. I do think some of his friends are watching some scary stuff and then coming into school and talking about it which is difficult as we’ve got no control over that.

I really appreciate the replies, they’ve been very helpful.

We’ve had a chat while I was pottering in the kitchen during breakfast. I said sorry for last night and that I thought being firm might help him but obviously it didn’t and from now on we’ll try in his bed first but if he gets upset like that again he can come in to ours. I’ve reassured him that there’s no pressure to sleep in his own bed, this is a normal phase he’s going through and that half his classmates are probably doing the same it’s just not talked about!

Would a mattress on your floor help? A halfway house

It sounds like this could easily be a function of pressure from the school to "grow up" as someone said up thread. Does he have any underlying issues, or do you suspect any? We have finally joined the dots and realised that one of our DS's (excuse rogue apostrophe, want to make it clear he's not a stepson) used to collapse emotionally when the school started applying pressure - particularly over the 11+ and SATS (and later with Y7 exams etc). Now we know he is dyslexic with ADHD and hEDS, we know that the extra pressure was simply too much. Physical collapse would usually follow emotional collapse, as he was working at capacity anyway, and poor sleep would then make it worse.

If he sleeps peacefully and well in your bed, and you and your DH are ok with it, I'd stick with it.

Ds comes into us most nights, he is about to turn 10.

A year ago he started being terrified of burglars and we now have to lie with him until he goes to sleep each night - which can be 30 mins or 2hrs depending.

I've given up: tv, time with dh, time with my Dd, eating dinner.

I now graze on snacks at about 6pm then spend the evening focussed on ds. I am really hoping he gets over it soon!

Velveteal you sound lovely. I wish my parents had been so understanding when I was going through similar. I suspect knowing he can access reassurance and comfort at any time he needs it will actually really help him feel more secure and independent.

No additional needs although he has always been a worrier, he does get anxious about things and although he has got lovely friends and enjoys an active social life his absolutely favourite place to be is at home with us, we are a tight little unit. Maybe he’s feeling subconsciously that that could change as he’s getting older. He could just be wanting that closeness. I think it’s probably a mixture of things-the fear of sleeping alone, imagination running wild and year 6 pressure. It did all start in November so it does tie in with school. He’ll get there. I do secretly love us all being bundled up in the same bed especially when the weathers so horrible. Even as a 40 year old with no fears I can see the comfort in it.

Maybe you could you suggest a friend comes for a sleepover?
He would want to be in his own bed for that, surely?

I think if you are going to have a go at getting him back into his own bed, then I would wait until Easter or Summer holidays. With the double benefit that he hasn't got any shcool pressures going on, and also you can fill his days with activities to wear him out so he is extra tired.

I wouldn't worry about it - there are very few (if any) 16 yr olds sleeping in their Mum and Dad's bed - they grow out of it. But it is common for children on the cusp of puberty to regress a little before they go forwards. Growing up is a scary process and it is often one step forward and two steps back. Security is the key and he will find his own way in safe loving environment.

Which is exactly what he has - I agree with others you sound like a really lovely Mum, and it's fantastic he can come to you with his worries without feeling sill yor childish. He's only ten after all - still a little boy, there's an awful lot of societal pressure on children to grow up too quickly.

We have had this for years with DD (9). Late last year, I bought a cheap double bed - "small double" - for her room. Now I sit in bed with her to help her settle to sleep and then if she does wake up and need someone in the night then there's always the option for me to go and sleep in her bed without disturbing DH.

Let him. For as long as he needs - especially as it's not an issue for you. Don't be swayed by or worried about convention. He is obviously a highly sensitive child and you are his safety and security. He won't be in your bed at 15!

(My now married, 28 year old mother-to-be daughter slept with me until she was about 11. She just needed it. She was fearful of the dark and burglars and fire etc etc. It would never have occurred to me to try and make her sleep apart from me. And as the blurb above says - she is independent and ordinary and great now.)

I ended up with my 9yo with me last night. I went up to bed after 10 and he was wide awake, so I let him come in with me, and read to him for a while. He has HFA and can get anxious (plus it was the end of term) but on this occasion, he seemed to have woken right up after being shattered when he got home from school- he has always needed less sleep than average.

He's become a lot more affectionate in the last year or so after being quite reserved in earlier childhood . I help in school and he'll come up to me, and hug me, kiss me or hold my hand. No one seems to bat an eyelid, and it seems to be accepted as part of his eccentric geek persona, so I'm happy to let him be. He'll quickly change his mind when it becomes uncool and not the done thing. Actually one of his classmates randomly hugged me too... their teacher said she's quite tactile and huggy too and she was missing her best friend that day.

I'm all for letting children be children while gradually letting them develop towards adulthood at their own pace.

We dealt with it by making up a little bed on the floor. So dd could be in our room, but in her own space. On the rare occasion she was completely freaked out I still let her sleep in our bed, but most nights the camping version was enough. I got better sleep that way and. I think it helped her get over it by it not being quite so close every night. Eventually she came in less and less.

I agree with setting up a bed of sorts on your floor - make it special for him in some way. My 11-yr old grandson would share with his single mum given the chance so the compromise is - on her floor. He also became anxious in yr 6 and it's followed him into yr 7 so we don't think anything drastic would help him. He won't be doing it when he's a spotty yoof (hopefully!).

Completely normal for children to worry and need company.

Ds2 is 14 and if he's had a bad dream he will thunder across the landing and scramble up the bed between me and Dh.

We are lucky that our bed is a super king as he is bigger than me so it is like 3 adults in a bed

We talked about using our imagination to stomp down any worrying thoughts so the second you realise your thoughts are going negative you force yourself to think of something positive. It helps if they have a default memory or thought so it is recalled instantly..