Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Boss told me to choose between being a mother and being a director

136 replies

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 17:10

I’m a senior employee/director at a small company and have worked there for many years. I am part time and am able to do all of my work, and more in those hours then collect my children from school.

The other directors are all male at the company, are paid a full time wage and have flexibility around things like collecting their children from school, so I don’t feel that flexibility for directors is inherently considered a problem. However, I am the one who has been challenged over needing flexibility around my children.

My boss put on a random Teams meeting and started shouting at me that he wants me full time and said outright “Do you want to be a director or a mother?” and suggested that I should go and find another job if I am unwilling to return to a full time working pattern.

I have a recording of the entire conversation, and importantly, I told him during the conversation that I was recording it.

There have also been other comments/incidents over the years which, taken together, have made me increasingly uncomfortable about how I’ve been treated as a woman and a mother.
I was extremely upset afterwards and am now questioning whether I can realistically continue working there, despite having previously had a good working relationship with my boss.

I’m not looking for legal advice as I already have professional advice.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of treatment? What happened in your situation?

OP posts:
BasicallyMiddleAge · 02/09/2026 21:23

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 17:20

Thanks for your reply. I think he’s been eyeing a family member up for my role and is trying to push me out.
However saying on recording a bunch of very discriminatory and sexist thing wasn’t the smartest way to go about it! 😬

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely. This is direct discrimimation, and illegal. Obviously you could take them to court, even IF you don't leave. Unbelievable. Indirect duscrimination is bad enough, but your post is shocking. Is there HR?

seahorsessky · 02/09/2026 21:27

While it's true that you wouldn't be able to be part-time and be a director, enjoying the time to do pick-ups, at any place I've worked at, it seems very off if the men can. I have seen it the other way round, as if women are "supposed" to want time off to look after the kids, but men taking paternity leave being frowned up, and if they'd wanted to do pick up, that would have been slated. Not that long ago,

andthat · 02/09/2026 21:29

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 19:55

Thank you. It’s 10 days full pay. Thankfully I already had the rest of this week booked off so will face the music on Monday and go from there! X

Show quote history

Sending you tons of luck.

People like your boss have been reliant on women putting up with this bullshit for years.

unluckily for him, it seems to me he’s underestimated you!!

TheMixedGirl · 02/09/2026 21:33

Get legal advice

researchers3 · 02/09/2026 22:03

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 17:20

Thanks for your reply. I think he’s been eyeing a family member up for my role and is trying to push me out.
However saying on recording a bunch of very discriminatory and sexist thing wasn’t the smartest way to go about it! 😬

Edited
Show quote history

Try to get evidence of this and start putting a case together for constructive dismissal. Tell no one at work what you're doing.

FunCrab · 02/09/2026 22:03

If you are suffering stress you might wish to get appt with GP or health provider so that it is recorded in your records. This can be used as evidence further down the line if needed.

Tiggles · 02/09/2026 22:09

Well it was 20 years ago, but I left a similarly sexist company and successfully took them to tribunal for sexual discrimination. They hired an incredibly expensive London lawyer, I represented myself. And I won.

PigletJohn · 02/09/2026 22:15

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 18:02

Yeah he’s the big boss and owner. We had a chairman for disputes like this but he sacked him for challenging him - says it all!

Show quote history

Like Odious Crispin. He got away with it for years, and still would if the FT hadn't stood up to him.

Tryinghardertoo · 02/09/2026 22:40

Be careful that an employment solicitor cost might well be over £1k and eat away your settlement value. Absolutely consult them but be careful that the chargeability clock is running.

I'd agree that tribunal and ACAS is going to take too long.

I'd be inclined to offer a "protected conversation" with them, saying that the actions on that call have made it impossible to retain a working relationship and invite them to make an offer pay you off to leave ASAP, preferably as redundancy. Wait for that offer, research what you are likely due and then push for double that due to the indefensibly discriminatory. Hold a "poker face" while they panic and see their own legal advice and meet somewhere in the middle.

Awkwardisfunny · 02/09/2026 22:42

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 17:20

Thanks for your reply. I think he’s been eyeing a family member up for my role and is trying to push me out.
However saying on recording a bunch of very discriminatory and sexist thing wasn’t the smartest way to go about it! 😬

Edited
Show quote history

Remember the time limits on bringing a claim since the incident occurred. Other than that: bit crap. Have you asked the manager for a conversation to share how uncomfortable it feels to be discriminated against, i.e. see if he can be reasoned with. Ask how he'd feel if someone treated his mother or wife like that. Maybe there is more to it if the men also balance childcare. Absolute bellend.

Bogliasco · 02/09/2026 22:45

If you step back and decide what you want right now, that will help guide your next steps to achieve it.

Do you want revenge/vindication?
Do you want to stay in the role and stay part time so you can carry on as before?
Do you want a new job and put this behind you?
Do you want a new job but continue to fight this situation?

My advice re: applying for jobs is don't worry about the fact they say full time. Apply, become their number one candidate and then negotiate part time and flexible working (day 1 request thanks to the Employment Rights Act!) You'd be surprised how many companies are open minded enough to consider it. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Ohdearnotthisagain · 02/09/2026 22:47

HermioneWeasley · 02/09/2026 17:35

Prepare your evidence for now and don’t resign - you’re much more of a problem if you remain in your role and bring a claim of sex discrimination

This.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 22:55

Lem0ni · 02/09/2026 20:34

Hi OP, I have been in a VERY similar position. A few pieces of advice having been through the entire process:

  • Please do not quit and go for constructive dismissal, it is VERY hard to prove even with the sort of evidence you have. It relies on you proving you HAD to quit. Please, please stay in post while you evaluate your options. Those saying resign and go for it mean well but it is not good advice.
  • You have what sounds like a very strong case for sex based discrimination, with male comparators in other directors which is very strong. There are very tight timelines for bringing this to court, you would need to bring your case within 3 months of the alleged incident which feels like a long time but isn’t really. This is because at the same time, the courts like to see you have been proactive at trying to resolve things. So if you want to go down this route, your first step regardless of anything needs to be bringing a formal grievance internally, and businesses are adept at kicking this can down the road with various excuses until you’re out of time. It was only my constant haranguing, which ironically gave me MORE evidence to use in court, that made mine happen on time.
  • Dont be surprised (as I somehow still naively was) if you bring the grievance, the investigate and say ‘nope nothing to see here’ - it’s a tactic to make you shut up and go away.
  • Having a solicitor on standby to negotiate leaving is excellent news - the truth is that the courts have limits on what they will award and taking them to court might not eventually be as lucrative as negotiating a settlement to go quietly. It’s often more beneficial for all parties (going to court does however mean you’ll avoid an NDA and can tell everyone they’re scumbags if that really matters to you!)
  • My company (also a small independent business, but with big global clients) were particularly difficult and did the opposite of negotiating, completely shutting down on me, despite me having worked for them for years. I ended up staying there another 6 months while the case creaked on, I had a solicitor who was invaluable but I was dealing with absolutely horrendous attitudes every day, ignoring me completely, suddenly having performance reviews put in all over the shop them and them deliberately piling the work on as an attempt I was directly told was to ‘stress me out of the business’. I fought this out of pride while still delivering to the highest standard for clients who never guessed what was going on. I ended up quite seriously physically unwell, I still can’t believe the capacity some people have for cruelty to a new mother but arseholes will be arseholes!
  • my company eventually only came to the table after we got all the way to a preliminary hearing where a judge found in my favour and confirmed they would hear the whole case. It was a completely pointless waste of time for everyone as, much like you, I had strong evidence. But don’t underestimate how much a business may be willing to act like it doesn’t exist or that they’re unbothered by it, in the hope you’ll get tired and go away.
  • I don’t say any of this to scare you - i am bloody glad I stuck to my guns and I don’t regret it. But the process IS arduous, even if you’re what could generally be considered a tough cookie!
  • you have a solicitor so they will know the drill already, but calling both Pregnant then Screwed and ACAS is a good idea, just so someone can explain the entire process, timelines etc to you (without you needing to pay £££ an hour). The process will go through ACAS anyway so calling them is a very good idea as there is all kinds of paperwork involved. My ACAS rep turned out to be lovely and so helpful, even while the solicitors were doing the hard negotiating he really worked to make it all happen on time and I got out with my money, my pride and a big FU to them on behalf of all working mothers.
  • edited to add: Like a PP, I got my solicitor via my house insurance. That is also a lot of paperwork and took about 6 weeks for me to submit a claim with all my evidence that got evaluated first by the insurance company, then by an independent solicitor to assess my chances (had to be over 50% chance of winning for them to take it on), before it was finally sent to another solicitor to also evaluate and take me on. It all just eats up the time. Often you don’t get to choose, some insurance policies will let you nominate someone. Initially at the final stage my claim was evaluated by a graduate paralegal who dismissed it - I kicked up a massive fuss and asked for it to be reviewed by a qualified solicitor, who then did and he took me on. He was a partner in the firm and was excellent, I was so grateful for his help. But EVERY BLOODY STEP of the process requires you to be absolutely on it. No one cares about your case like you have to!

Feel free to PM me about any of this, details on limits etc. Best of luck and go get ‘em!

Edited

Wow thank you so much for this and for taking the time to be so helpful ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 22:58

BasicallyMiddleAge · 02/09/2026 21:23

Absolutely. This is direct discrimimation, and illegal. Obviously you could take them to court, even IF you don't leave. Unbelievable. Indirect duscrimination is bad enough, but your post is shocking. Is there HR?

Show quote history

Thanks so much for replying. We don’t have an internal HR department 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 22:58

andthat · 02/09/2026 21:29

Sending you tons of luck.

People like your boss have been reliant on women putting up with this bullshit for years.

unluckily for him, it seems to me he’s underestimated you!!

Show quote history

You are so kind, thank you ❤️❤️

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 02/09/2026 22:59

IAAL and have been through this myself. I am not an employment lawyer.

Do not go to them and ask for an exit package like a PP suggested. That just reduces your settlement agreement figure by a decimal point. If they think you want to go, you’re cheap to get rid of.

Legal Fees: I have never not seen part of the settlement agreement be that the shit employer pays your legal fees (usually they say £750, and you get them up to £1500 quite easily. When I went through this, I was a very highly paid City solicitor and I walked with easily well into 6 figures, so £1500 should cover you). The lawyer will invoice your employer directly so you’re getting even more of a bargain because you’re then not paying tax on the money you got paid IYSWIM.

The employer would be sensible to agree to pay your fees as, oh no, you can’t afford representation so then any agreement you sign with them would be void and invalid. Oops!

When your shit employer inevitably doesn’t want to pony up as much as you want, you call ACAS and get (I forget the exact name) a reference number for their reconciliation process (this is just to scare and show you’re serious), and then you draft a SAR. This will cost a SME llllllloads of money and likely expose all kinds of emails and other things that make shit employer look worse. They 100% will fold at the SAR request.

Make sure your first £30,000 pay out is phrased in your agreement as redundancy so it’s tax free.

Argue it’ll take soooooo long to find a new job, so you’re an employee for however long and thus you get all your employee benefits, health insurance etc.

include a non-disparagement clause so Sexist Pig is gagged from talking about you ever.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 23:00

Tiggles · 02/09/2026 22:09

Well it was 20 years ago, but I left a similarly sexist company and successfully took them to tribunal for sexual discrimination. They hired an incredibly expensive London lawyer, I represented myself. And I won.

Thanks so much for responding. Amazing, I’m so glad you won 👏 xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 23:03

MauriceTheMussel · 02/09/2026 22:59

IAAL and have been through this myself. I am not an employment lawyer.

Do not go to them and ask for an exit package like a PP suggested. That just reduces your settlement agreement figure by a decimal point. If they think you want to go, you’re cheap to get rid of.

Legal Fees: I have never not seen part of the settlement agreement be that the shit employer pays your legal fees (usually they say £750, and you get them up to £1500 quite easily. When I went through this, I was a very highly paid City solicitor and I walked with easily well into 6 figures, so £1500 should cover you). The lawyer will invoice your employer directly so you’re getting even more of a bargain because you’re then not paying tax on the money you got paid IYSWIM.

The employer would be sensible to agree to pay your fees as, oh no, you can’t afford representation so then any agreement you sign with them would be void and invalid. Oops!

When your shit employer inevitably doesn’t want to pony up as much as you want, you call ACAS and get (I forget the exact name) a reference number for their reconciliation process (this is just to scare and show you’re serious), and then you draft a SAR. This will cost a SME llllllloads of money and likely expose all kinds of emails and other things that make shit employer look worse. They 100% will fold at the SAR request.

Make sure your first £30,000 pay out is phrased in your agreement as redundancy so it’s tax free.

Argue it’ll take soooooo long to find a new job, so you’re an employee for however long and thus you get all your employee benefits, health insurance etc.

include a non-disparagement clause so Sexist Pig is gagged from talking about you ever.

Thank you so much for this xx

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 02/09/2026 23:05

Gah, sorry, to add: you could be a real sharp sword and have them agree to pay your “reasonably incurred legal fees” (NB this is distinct from “reasonable legal fees”).

The latter means you can’t get Hot Shot Celeb Lawyer as their prices aren’t reasonable. The former though? Well, hiring Hot Shot is fine because it’s reasonable to incur getting a lawyer when you’re leaving your job under such conditions.

that was one of my personal favourites to draft into any and all contracts 😉

Pearlstillsinging · 02/09/2026 23:05

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 18:01

Thanks all for your advice 🙂.

We don’t have an in house HR, it sort of falls to me to deal with 😂

I am looking for another job and have got a solicitor ready to try negotiate a settlement agreement for me to go quietly. He is very spooked by the recording I have.

Was hoping somebody might be able to shed some light on similar situations.

thanks x

That is very much Employment Tribunal territory.

You should be able to access other ET's, they are a matter of public record. ACAS may be able to point you in the right direction, or your solicitor will be able to tell you about the case law.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 23:06

I cannot thank everyone enough for taking the time to help me and for your kind replies ❤️❤️

OP posts:
ChristmasLightsLover · 02/09/2026 23:06

Don’t rely on any of their software to house recordings. Email them to yourself before they can remove them.

HalfMumHalfBiccit · 02/09/2026 23:06

If he’s so keen on you going full time you could say ok I would like that, what’s your offer. See whether he offers the same as the men. Loads of workers do a school pick up then go back to wfh afterwards (obvs depending on your child’s age) or you could arrange afterschool clubs.

MauriceTheMussel · 02/09/2026 23:10

Coffeekitten · 02/09/2026 23:06

I cannot thank everyone enough for taking the time to help me and for your kind replies ❤️❤️

It happens so so often and far more commonly than you think.

Youve come across as very calm and sensible, but I know I was terrified when this happened to me. Not that you seem to need it, but just in case, you haven’t done anything wrong and all the shit they’ll allege about eg your quality of work, feedback…it’s not real. It’s a sick game as old as time, and it’s not personal.

How you win this is a formulaic set of steps. Your lawyer will have run the same playbook hundreds of times.

bababamama · 02/09/2026 23:18

Just a thought if things have been escalating of late - is he older as in 60+ ? It could be he’s got something going on health wise including things like forms of dementia that make you impulsive and loose inhibitions. Definitely time to get out though, best of luck op

Swipe left for the next trending thread