Do stingy people realise they are being stingy?

[Shinysal]

I work in an office with one other person we’ll call him Steve. We have a team of 4 staff we manage between us and then I have another team of 10 staff which aren’t under his management.

My team of staff always include Steve in annual leave treats (we buy lunch, cakes or coffee on our last day). I regularly buy coffees for the team on my way to work. Everyone takes turns at buying coffee, milk & teabags for use in the office.

Steve never buys coffee or milk but uses the stuff available. He comes in regularly with a Starbucks for himself in the morning. He always asks anyone else finishing what they are buying for the annual leave treats.

Today he finishes for annual leave and mentioned a few times yesterday he might buy cakes or coffees then went on to say that he doesn’t think anyone wants anything as a few on healthy eating. I replied to him that he should buy them and it’s down to the individual if they want to have them and pointed out that the team always buy. He’s arrived today with a pack of 4 cakes!! He’s sat them on his desk and told everyone he bought them for annual leave but no one has actually been offered one.

do you think he realises that he’s a tight arse?? He seems completely oblivious to it!

I had a reverse of this.

My old boss used to buy custard donuts on Fridays. I am a cake monster but I really don't like these. The cold custard and coffee icing on their own would be a no from me. Putting them both together was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. It might have been worth the financial hit to not work Fridays anymore 😂

I'd left it too long to say I didn't like them. He already seemed mildly offended that I squeezed some of the custard out. I briefly considered taking an early lunch on Fridays. I could go and buy them all and dispose of them. When he went for lunch he'd have to get something else. My soul was crying out for a sugared ring donut

I'd be loudly asking Steve who he is allocating the 4 cakes to!

I found that it was usually the men in the office who didn't bring any treats in. They were happy to indulge themselves but didn't return the favour. I stopped doing it after a while, especially when one of them criticised my choice of shortcake biscuit, saying that he much preferred the chocolate ones I usually brought in!

Ohhh wow, @PyongyangKipperbang - your description of your mum hit me right in the gut, because my mum was the same!

She made us school summer dresses, but shouldn’t pay for the official gingham fabric, so ours was made of clearly the wrong stuff - I’m not sure I ever wore mine to school for fear of getting into trouble. We were rationed on the amount of drawing paper we had as kids - when the little we got ran out, we drew on the back, then did no more drawing until we got another sketch pad for Christmas or birthday. We had Stork Superblend margarine in our sandwiches for school packed lunches, while we knew she had Lurpak an inch thick on her bread at lunch. I had to go in the bath after my sister, in her grubby bath water, so we didn’t have to run the immersion heater again.

There was always money for the things to do with mum’s hobbies.

Thank you for making me feel I wasn’t alone in this. 💐💕

This all sounds like a minefield to me! For the office tea and coffee, why don't you set up a kitty that everyone has to contribute to?

The rest of it sounds stressful tbh!

I think you're being unreasonable.

You've decided on certain routines in the office and are getting annoyed others aren't following it.

Personally I don't get involved with any of this. I don't drink tea or coffee at work so not sure what the procedure is where I work- Hope people aren't thinking im being stingy because I don't shell out for treats for everyone at random intervals.

Anyway, if you want to him to contribute decide- if everyone is bringing their own, or if you are contributing to a single pot.

And then if you have a single pot- ask him if he wants to to contribute and use it or bring his own.

I think it is easily solved rather than sending people shade, because they aren't following the invisible rules you've decided on.

Well if you and Steve wait till the end there's enough cakes for your team of 4. Go tell him to offer them round.

Yes, they definitely know and they see it as a win every time they penny pinch / save money at someone else’s expense.

I agree with working something out for the tea & coffee for those who use it but only for basic stuff. Not takeaways.
Also not a fan of the whole bringing in cakes & treats thing.
I work from home now but hated that when I was in the office.
On the odd occasion it was OK if people liked doing it but one place where I worked it quickly turned into one of those 'traditions' for birthdays.
I found at least half of my colleagues were on a diet so you either had loads left over or people awkwardly took the lowest calorie treat as they didn't want to feel bad not eating anything.

I am not generally stingy but I suppose having seen this example I might be considered to be when at work. I don’t buy my colleagues coffee, well I might if I am doing a one on one meeting with one of them and we can’t find a meeting room so have to do it at the in building coffee shop but I will get myself a Starbucks the odd in office day.

I don’t buy treats but equally don’t eat the ones that others buy. I will only contribute to collections for people that I directly work with or know well, and will ignore the ones that go round for wider team members who I have never spoken with (this annoys people but I wouldn’t expect them to contribute to anything for me, in fact I absolutely hate workplace collections and have actively said in the past when having large birthdays etc that I don’t want anything).

I don’t go to work social events.

I don’t want to spend money at work.

He could buy some nice fruits? We used to buy cakes for certain meetings and would always have a healthier option like some strawberries and grapes for those who didn’t want the cakes and biscuits.

He sounds pretty self-absorbed. Of course he'd rather not pitch in his money, but happily take his share of what's offered! Think of how the world would operate if everyone was like Steve...

If he doesn't want to pay in for the coffee, milk, and tea then he shouldn't use what others are buying. As for your office's tradition of people buying cakes, he clearly enjoys taking what's offered but is half-hearted at best when it's his turn.

Steve if just selfish.

This

People just seem to like picking up on the wrong thing so they have an excuse to be an argumentative twat play devil's advocate.

Everyone so keen to accuse OP of being a feeder and practically shoving cupcakes down poor Steve's throat clearly missed the part where he not only happily wolfs things down but specifically asks them what treats they will be bringing in beforehand.

I'm sure op and her colleagues wouldn't care if Steve said "I'm trying to avoid cakes so I'll opt out thanks."

It's the taking everyone else's stuff but not contributing that's the issue. Obviously.

Fine, but you don't take from others either.

No.

Steve doesn’t have to take part in the office traditions, @Finteq - if he chose not to, that would not be unreasonable.

What is unreasonable, however, is Steve eating the cakes and treats other people bring in, and making himself tea/coffee from the supplies other people provide, without contributing himself.

The first is personal choice, the second is being a cheeky fucker.

To be honest regardless of Steve I would say this practice needs to be knocked on the head. It sets a level of expectation that is unreasonable. It’s an office, not a party. Why can’t people just bring in their own food, eat it and go home? I would be amazed if everyone actually enjoyed bringing stuff in or just felt obliged to, and it’s extra financial pressure at the moment. By my maths if I’m a member of your team I would need to potentially factor in bringing a treat of some kind for 15 people every time I go on annual leave? A Starbucks costs at least £2.50-that’s nearly £40! That’s my weekly utility bill. Fuck that. And I am by no means a stingy person.

Buying coffees for everyone as some sort of ‘thing’ you all do seems mad to me. I’d be just as stingy as Steve, but I would bring in my own tea/coffee/cake supplies.

I have never in my life heard of people buying coffees and cakes because it’s your last day before annual leave! I don’t think I could afford to work at your place.

I used to know a woman like this, ate her share and more of any cakes and biscuits that anyone else brought in, but only bought biscuits if someone pointed out that it was her turn. We all brought food in for a get-together and she made something and took three-quarters of it home. However she made sure that she got anything that was owed her. She was a complete narcissist.

What about it don't you understand?
It's hardly a complicated "concept"

The person who goes on annual leave buys treats for the office the day before they go.

I've never heard of it being a tradition before nor participated in it but have somehow managed to parse the complexities of this impenetrable arrangement.

You always get one in an office. I worked with a guy who had to be told that he needed to contribute to buying biscuits for the communal biscuit tin if we was going to eat them, he seemed surprised, as if the biscuits just appeared there.
On his birthday he proudly brought in cakes after seeing that this is what people do on their birthday, at the end of the day he proceeded to pack everything up and take it home! I thought that was bizarre as people would graze the next day or so but he just took the lot!

Worked in a different company with a guy who was the ULTIMATE tightar*e, NEVER contributed to anything. On Fridays we would get bacon sarnies from the local van or cafe, he always said no unless the sales manager offered to buy, then it was always yes 🙃

I think you need some new rules:

• you only get use of the milk, coffee and teabags if you contribute to the kitty
• you only get Starbucks if you pay for a round yourself
• only hand out the cakes individually, don't leave them on a table where Steve can grab one

Her post didn't suggest she does at all.

I wouldn't be buying cakes or Starbucks, I think that is mad. I only buy a Starbucks coffee once in a blue moon for myself as I consider it a waste of money (I am not stingy!), no way I'd be buying coffees at Starbucks for people at work. But he definitely should contribute to the fund (and maybe not drink/eat what other people are bringing if he never wants to bring anything himself)

It’s fine if he doesn’t eat other’s contributions. He should opt out, no problem with that. But he can’t take and not contribute. You need to have a word.