Do stingy people realise they are being stingy?

[Shinysal]

I work in an office with one other person we’ll call him Steve. We have a team of 4 staff we manage between us and then I have another team of 10 staff which aren’t under his management.

My team of staff always include Steve in annual leave treats (we buy lunch, cakes or coffee on our last day). I regularly buy coffees for the team on my way to work. Everyone takes turns at buying coffee, milk & teabags for use in the office.

Steve never buys coffee or milk but uses the stuff available. He comes in regularly with a Starbucks for himself in the morning. He always asks anyone else finishing what they are buying for the annual leave treats.

Today he finishes for annual leave and mentioned a few times yesterday he might buy cakes or coffees then went on to say that he doesn’t think anyone wants anything as a few on healthy eating. I replied to him that he should buy them and it’s down to the individual if they want to have them and pointed out that the team always buy. He’s arrived today with a pack of 4 cakes!! He’s sat them on his desk and told everyone he bought them for annual leave but no one has actually been offered one.

do you think he realises that he’s a tight arse?? He seems completely oblivious to it!

annual leave treats???? coffee shop coffees all round??? I mean yeah if he uses the hot drink resources then he should contibute to the fund but to heck with the rest!

My cousin is like this. Turned up empty handed to a family bbq and drove another family member to the shop so they could buy beers which he then said "oh everyone, me and Phil got the beers in".

I think that not only do people know when they're being stingy, they are generally very self congratulary about it, too. Also, if you're tight in one way, it runs all through your character. Mean people are mean spirited, too. They think the rest of us are idiots and they've somehow got one over on us.

I think Ponder means not bringing anything in.
Therefore not feeling obliged or guilted into doing something not everyone wants to do.

I’d bring stuff in but I wouldn’t expect pay back from everyone. I’d do it because I want to

Thats not the same as the coffee and tea supplies. I think in this case everyone should pay into a kitty if they want a drink

A lot of people on here not liking your office code of buying Starbucks and treats for each other- I think this is lovely if everyone is happy doing it, which it sounds like they are, apart from Steve of course!
Could people just stop including him in the Starbucks run if he never does it himself?
At my work we have a rota for people (who want to be included, there was a sign up sheet) for people to bake or bring cakes/treats every Monday. It’s lovely and a nice start to the week. We are colleagues but also friends, and hang out outside of work too. There’s a note at the top of the rota (pinned on the staff room wall) saying only people who participate should really eat the goods. A few times non-contributors have been seen taking the treats and a light hearted comment like “oh I didn’t know you’d signed up Mary, are you bringing yours next week?” is made, to deter this Steve- like behaviour.

I’m not stingy - will happily splurge on things for and with treat friends and family.

But I’m freaked out by work cultures where people do a lot of unnecessary buying of food for one another. I’d find it weird and uncomfortable if I had a colleague buying me takeaway coffees on the way into work. Like, why can’t we just sort our own coffees, like the competent adults we are? Why are you setting up a dynamic where I have to be grateful all the time that you’ve been thinking of my coffee needs, whether I want you to or not?

Make a clear rule about monetary contributions for milk / coffee etc, and I’ll bet your colleague will chip in.

Not everyone wants to be part of the jolly, forced fun food traditions in the office. Unless it’s part of someone’s job description I don’t think you can reasonably have a go at them for not buying their colleagues coffee and cakes.

Do you do birthdays
Thats a little more normal

Sorry OP I'm not with you at all. You sound like a feeder.

I’m not convinced your set up sounds any better than OPs I’m afraid. Appreciate it works for you
It just seems a little intimidating to me. That someone has to join in to feel like they are one of the gang with the Incrowds names all on a list posted in the staff room for all to see…..oh the shame of not being part of the incrowd. It would feel like school all over again for me.

Not everyone wants to be part of the jolly, forced fun food traditions in the office. Unless it’s part of someone’s job description I don’t think you can reasonably have a go at them for not buying their colleagues coffee and cakes.

you can, if they happily take a coffee bought by someone else and eat the cakes brought by others.

Exactly this - with the typical feeder dynamic of control & resentment. Everyone I’ve ever met who presides over office cakes is a seething control freak underneath all the snacky chat.

That sounds unnecessarily divisive and cliquey

I'm so glad I don't work in an office...

Maybe to you, but we love it, it brightens up our Monday, and that’s what counts! Thanks for your thoughts though.

Its not cliquey- anyone can join, the more the merrier, but I do think it’s only right that people shouldn’t be able to enjoy the treats each week if they aren’t contributing.

Anyone can be in the “incrowd” they just have to pop their name on the list and join in! We have a wide range of people who take part, and all who do, thoroughly enjoy it.

Also the aim of my post was to give some solidarity with OP, not to “convince” you of anything. So don’t “be afraid” I couldn’t give two hoots you don’t like it!

They do. Some claim lack of self awareness. It’s actually lack of shame.

The only way to deal with these people is calling it out time and again.

We had someone in a social group who tried it every time even when called out on it. Would order steak and bottles of wine even when we’d tell the waiting staff that we’d be paying separately and she’d still go to the counter and tell them we’d split the bill evenly.

Eventually no one would go for coffee or dinner with her so she had to reluctantly pay whilst moaning about how much things cost - never bothered her when she was trying to get someone else to subsidise her!

We also do the buying cakes before annual leave thing. Not if off a day but if have a block of leave. I work for police and it's pretty common practice.

Yes this!

We’ve got someone in our team who is like this. Always first to help himself to cakes when someone else brings them in (usually for a birthday) and has been known to go back for seconds. For ages he never brought anything in for his own birthday, and seemed oblivious to the fact that everyone else in the team resented his stingyness. This year he did partly redeem himself by buying (cheap and nasty) donuts for the team. It’ll probably be another 5 years before he bothers again….

Fine to not take part but you can’t expect to take full advantage of others’ generosity and not reciprocate, without it causing resentment.

At my last workplace we knocked this type of stuff on the head. With so many different diets and events like Ramadan it was easier to stop.

As I said I appreciate it works for you.
My post was giving perspective on how others might feel. Looking at it from another angle as this is mumsnet and we all have a voice.
Apologies if it upset you

If others had any sort of feeling on it, they could just join in. There’s about 16 people doing it so only need to provide treats once every 16 weeks.
You’ve not upset me at all, but hugely appreciate your apology 😊

Couldn’t agree more with this! I imagine with most of these set ups, it’s purely up to the individual if they want to take part or not, but it’s very bad form to not take part but still take the goodies!

I don't understand the concept of annual leave treats.
I've brought sweets back from a holiday before, but never a going away treat for the office. Is this a thing now?

did you name change for the thread 🤗

I’m stingy but I’d not take from a communal pot without putting back. So I’d say he isn’t stingy but actually a CF and just relying on everyone being too polite to call him out.
And as a self confessed “stingy” person I’d be annoyed at buying things for a pot when one person doesn’t contribute so I’d make a rota and force him to contribute or stop using supplies