Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

He in all liklihood won't appear with an accusation because he knows what he is doing is wrong and it will get him into trouble.

He won't take it out on your to your face because it could get him into more trouble, other people know about him now, he is unlikely to risk it.

I had a man do what you are having done to you, he worked elsewhere but could drop by my work anytime and I did sometimes work with him. I did my level best to be nice but say no in a roundabout way and he had no clue I was saying no. I only realised that when he tried to drag me into the back of his van while I was working for him one day. I'd been resisting his advances and he intended to lock me in the van until I was ready to "get on my knees" for him, to be let out. His words not mine. I was 19 he was 63.

I got away because I'm a strong little bugger and his boss got to hear of it. She (yes she) said I was a silly little girl making things up to try and get him into trouble. Until he fucked a 20 odd year old and she became pregnant that is, she never did apologise for her complicity.

Being nice to him is probably giving him the wrong impression. Guys like him need to be told firmly. Also, if he can come and spend 30 minutes either you up to 3 times a day this needs to be addressed with his manager because he should be working! I would talk to your manager and say he is distracting you from your work and you find him to be inappropriate at times but you don't want to make an official complete at present.

Is there a different toilet you could use in the short term? Of course, you shouldn't have to but, given your updates about his anger when refused, I would avoid any possibility of being caught alone by him. If not, then if you see him lurking near the loos, about turn and swiftly walk away. Logan every interaction and send to your boss. Be sure to mention harassment.

Log, not Logan.

He's definitely here today as another colleague breezed by and mentioned she had to leave the office she works in with him for a meeting. Eeek. Do I need to feel bad about this??

Ask yourself why on earth you should feel bad?

I think you need to have a word with yourself. He is a twat. You never asked him to visit you and furnish you with a disgusting insights into his tiny mind.

OK things have just went to a weird level and I think I'm in the twilight zone.

His manager just passed me, and said hello. I thought I was doing the right thing in saying 'Thank you for addressing that for me'. I have it in an email what my manager said and this other manager said he would have a word.

The guy looked at me and said 'Your manager did mention the problem to me but I'm not going to address it at this time as 'he' is going on vacation (the twat) in a few days.

I'm kinda flabberghasted. So if nothing was said, where has he been today?!

I suspect his manager has had a word with him otherwise why has he not been to visit?

Could twat’s manager be “protecting” him and attempting to downplay all of this?

In your shoes I would be going to HR as this is shocking. You have made serious allegations about this twat yet his manager chooses to do nothing? Nope. It’s not acceptable.

Find your courage and push for action.

You should have said to his manager that it was not appropriate to sweep this harassment under the carpet. It is effecting your work.
You would like this to be adressed asap & he can use his holiday to lick his wounds.
It would be better not to get your union involved....

Did you not ask the higher manager about what was being done about the sexual harassment?

How dare they minimise this!! Do you have a whistleblowing policy in the company? If I were you I would escalate to their superiors. Did you say there is a complaints procedure? If so then take a look as there are laws stating how long they get to respond to a complaint of harassment. I'm getting angry for you @Nina7648 !!

Start keeping a record of every communication you have had between yourself and management over this. Print out all emails and store the printed copy safe. Write down when and what has been said and by whom.

You need ammunition, so start collecting it.

I suspect his manager has had a buddy/men pal word with him and told him to avoid you for the next few days and is hoping this will all go away. I would not be surprised if creep is actually not going on holiday and boss will bring up that once you though he was on holiday you were not bother but actually he was there all the time.

I would message your manager and advise him that you have been informed by the other manager that no action has been taken and that you will be escalating this to HR and do.

Even for someone who hasn't been through a difficult relationship, this is inappropriate behaviour on his part. He's doing it for his personal pleasure because he can. I would tell him "sorry I can't chat, I really need to be getting on with xyz" and repeat. I would also make up an imaginary partner because these types tend to think single women are easy targets. 😠

This is not acceptable from the creepy guys manager. This is behaviour that should be addressed as soon as he was told about it.

Email your manager, copy in HR if you have them, and say something along the lines of

“after our conversation on xx Feb, you confirmed you had spoken to XXXXs manager. Having spoken to XXXXs manager today, he confirms he has not addressed this behaviour and would not do so before XXXX goes on leave in a few days. Sexual harrassment is something that should never be tolerated. Please confirm this will be dealt with today”

I suspect the manager has had a buddy/men pal chat with him too, and I also suspect that the manager has been told by him that you are overly friendly and flirtatious, and have been encouraging him. Hence the reason for the manager to come and have a little chat with you to see how you behave. And to 'suss' you out as well. Ugh. I would not be happy with that. At all.

Make sure everything is in email and email copies to your personal email too. If any conversations have been had in person, follow up with what was said in an email, "as per what we discussed on bla bla bla regarding bla bla bla...etc"

Yes absolutely follow up with an email after today.

Sorry for not replying. I was really upset yesterday when I went home. And because of the type of person I am, I am now feeling really sick and bad about this - here's why.

I don't like confrontation and you know I've said I struggle to speak up about things like this. I'm ok with women and can speak up when one is being rude or disrespectful but when it's a man I just freeze and let them away with far too much. But after so many months of this I'm sure the twat is wondering - why is she only bringing this up now?

And I'm concerned about my own reaction too. How did I eventually just get to 'that point' where I raised it? Isn't that confusing for everyone concerned and do I look really stupid now? The guy is a total pest, but I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone deliberately.

So sorry hear of your distress. Its not as if you have complained 3 years down the line or after you have left, its taken this time to realise and as I understand it, he is taking more and more of your time as it goes on. Dont overthink your part in this and NO you definitely DONT look stupid. Imagine a scenario whereby you escalate this further and find out that he has treated other women the same - which is often the case. 'Colin Hunt' cheeky chappie he 'aint (sorry a reference to an old Fast Show Sketch) he is a pest and needs to be told as such.
If you don't do it for yourself OP then do it for other women who he might think its ok to harass and manipulate?

Thanks so much. I always end up second guessing myself. I do feel a bit daft to be honest. Why am I no good at this? It's so alien to me and although I am strong in many ways, I'd love to be better at setting boundaries. Like I know another lady (much older) who would have NO hesitation in saying 'I can't be sitting here chatting all day off you go!' But I can't do it.

Maybe the older lady has had experience of men like him...and he wouldn't target her for that reason. You friendly nature has been taken advantage of, for that I am angry as it strips away confidence. How are you feeling today are you going in to work?

I'm really tired and yes am in work, but thinking of maybe not coming in tomorrow. Not sure. I'm not a quitter but I'm also causing myself a lot of turmoil because I am nice and friendly and for so many years have refused to change that but it's meant I am taken advantage of time and time again and I feel this is what has happened here. So maybe it reached a point when I couldn't take anymore, got chatting here and got confirmation it isn't normal and just snapped. Part of my job involves taking a lot of private phonecalls and he got especially worse over the past few days in that even when the phone rang, he would stand there waiting for it to end. If it rang immediately again, he would continue to stand. Even if it was a 15 min long difficult call. I'd look up and he'd still be there. I don't know if it's past trauma making me react like this I just don't know.

Do you have a door to your office that you can close?

No it's all open planned