Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

I don't believe they are handling this safely. Your organisation must have a sexual harassment policy. Have they followed this or have they dealt with this complaint in a 'he's distracting you from working' sort of way?

It does not seem that he has been disciplined or received a written warning. It does not appear that anything of any weight has happened, if he's straight back at your desk with no qualms.

I think you need to get angry and go to HR. This needs to be recorded and dealt with properly. They are not protecting you as an employee or themselves as an organisation.

Well that's no good because all he will think is that you do still want to talk to him and enjoy the attention, but your boss has noticed and wants it to stop because it is affecting your work. This man needs to know that it is YOU who does not want the constant pestering.

Maybe type these words and print it out in capital letters:

'GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE'

Then when he arrives, you can get it out and put it where he can see it. If you do that, there is no need to talk to him or even look in his direction. Just prop it up on your desk in a prominent position.

Have you heard of the shark cage metaphor? Basically, some people don't learn to create a secure cage (boundaries) as children, and some men will try to find weak spots in your cage and push in.

There's a PDF linked online which you may find enlightening. Here's some info:

‘The Shark Cage’ metaphor was conceptualised by Ursula Benstead (psychologist). It is a helpful and practical way for women (or anyone) in abusive relationships to understand and prevent re-victimization.

In therapy, women who have experienced abusive relationships often wonder what it is about them, or what they are doing wrong to warrant abusive treatment. The answer to this question is complex and multifactorial, and it is also an important part of the work of therapy. Research tells us that women who have a history of abuse in childhood are more likely to be victimised in adolescence and adulthood. Skillful conversations about re-victimisation involve understanding this nuance and complexity, and the Shark Cage metaphor provides a useful way of discussing these ideas and the concept of boundaries, whilst reducing the risk of re-victimisation.

The concept of the Shark Cage begins with the idea that the world is like an ocean, filled with fish of all colors and sizes, and there are also predatory sharks which are dangerous. In the ocean, the woman needs a ‘shark cage’ to protect her from predators, but allow friendly fish to pass through.

We aren’t born with our shark cages, our caregivers and others we come into contact with support the construction of our shark cage. Each bar of the cage represents a boundary or a basic human right, such as the right to not be touched, not to be shouted at or called names. Once the bars are in place, the cage provides a protective barrier making it difficult for sharks to get close enough to take a bite.

However, not everyone has had caregivers who knew how to help their child build a sturdy cage, and many women have shark cages with missing bars or a weak alarm system that needs some work. Importantly, the metaphor emphasises that it is not the person who is deficient, but it is their cage. It follows then that the skill of maintaining a robust cage (boundaries) is something that can be learned and refined.

The good news is that all shark cages can be strengthened, by learning what bars to put in place to ensure emotional, physical, and sexual safety. By learning when a bar has sustained a hit, and by learning how to respond to an attempted shark cage breach. It is also possible to learn to recognise sharks and evaluate current and potential new partners.

I agree with the others - it's not about whether or not you're getting through your workload. It's about the organisation's sexual harassment policy - and them following it.

He should be told not to contact you unless related to work while they investigate your complaint.

You need to really push your company to take the sexual harassment aspect of this.

You should not have to be in contact with him after reporting sexual harassment.

Do you have HR ? I can’t remember if you have said ?

I agree, if OP left I believe she would have a case for constructive dismissal. She works alone (should have a risk assessment actually for lone working) and they’re allowing this to happen after they’ve been told it’s inappropriate and of a sexual nature, pretty poor. I suspect OP played it down because she finds it so hard to deal with conflict but still being let down by men.

This isn't an appropriate response from your boss. It makes it sound like the issue is your ability to manage your work. It's not.

The issue is he is sexually harassing you in the workplace. And your/his manager need to take steps to address this with him directly. While upholding their duty of care to you.

The problem with men like him is that they will take the lack of response as a sign to continue.

They prey on vulnerable women specifically because those women are less likely to say outright to go away or that they are not interested.

A woman with good boundaries is much harder to harass. Not that some don’t try anyway ofcourse.

I am very concerned for the OP as I suspect this man will not take this well, as in his mind the OP is not telling him his behaviour is unwanted therefore she must be ok with it - be interested even.

I am concerned that he will Ick off in some way as he has behaved this way for so long he thinks (wrongly) he has some sort of budding relationship going - his anger and jealousy when OP said she was busy on Valentine’s Day.

Their place of work is not taking this anywhere so enough. He needs to be separated from OP (or sacked) and not to have any interaction with her whatsoever if they were doing this properly.

OP do not underestimate this man. Escalate this as high as it can go at work. Go over your managers head if need be.

Is there a HR section where you work? You need to request a copy of the sexual harassment policy at work. I would also ask to see the lone worker policy document.

You manager does seems to be focusing on the unwanted visits to your desk and not the behavior behind it. I don't think your manager truly knows what kind of man he is dealing with.

Feel free to tell him ItGhoul on Mumsnet thinks he’s a cunt.

@Msmoonpie
The problem with men like him is that they will take the lack of response as a sign to continue.

You are absolutely spot on.

OP, I worked with a lot of men for a very long time. Grey rock will not work, nor will hints, or silence. Women do this because that is how we are taught to communicate, it absolutely does not work well with men, particularly older ones. The chances that he doesn't even know you are doing it are very high. All he will see is a license to continue because you've not said or done anything to tell him he can't in his eyes, it's an unknown language to him.

Give him absolutely no quarter at all, ever and stop the silence/grey rock stuff, it enables him to do what he wants, sorry but you have to be loud, firm, and clear in what you want to happen.

Having said all this OP I do realise it takes a bellyful of guts and confidence to do this. I learned the hard way to be loud firm and clear in what I would allow in my personal space.

Your boss and HR is not your friend in these cases, they are more concerned about the company and not you or how you are treated by colleagues. The moment you have issues at work you have to be your own champion because no one else will have your back on this regardless of the strength of their policies.

At the point you are in you possibly need advice on how to proceed because this is potentially a difficult situation for you. Sadly chances are you will be leaving for another job long before he will, because your company won't be able to deal with it effectively in a speedy time frame. Unfortunately it is often the way in cases of SA or bullying at work. You can contact Citizens Advice and ACAS in the first instance to check your position and what you can do.

https://www.acas.org.uk/contact

I actually read a book once - I wish I could remember the title but it was about differences in communication.

It described a scenario where a man asked a woman out in a round about way but not as bad as the OPs situation .

The woman brushed him off gently and got on with her work.

The man later in conversation thought the conversation had gone well and he had a chance with her. Why ? Because she had smiled politely due to being uncomfortable he took her forced smile to mean she liked him.

It can be really hard to give someone a direct “no” especially someone whose reaction you might be afraid of 🙁

Neutral resting bitch face.

No obligation to wrap it up in a bow to make them feel better - this just leads to mixed messages. No need to get flustered or aggressive. Practice out loud a cool matter of fact tone with a couple of short succinct phrases that do the job that have zero details that can inadvertently lead to another Q as an 'in' - so:

'No' is a full sentance - "Because I dont want to"

Please can you leave me alone, I am busy. I am not interested.

He sounds really thick.

Can you try some of these lines? Speak a little slowly so he can't miss the meaning.

"That's a very inappropriate comment to make at work."

"Did you know I'm on camera? My boss has mentioned how often you come over and that it's impacting my work."

He can't actually do anything to you. He's not that powerful, he's just a bully.

I know how overbearing bullies can be, but I promise that if you can find your voice with him, even if it wobbles, you will feel a bit more in control.

If he does anything to you, he will get sacked. You have raised it with your manager. Keep going!!

If he speaks to you again just say " Is this about work " If he says no just say "I'm too busy at the moment to chat "

About twenty years ago I was temping in Australia in office jobs. I was working Reception at a law chambers. One man there would send porn to my email, come to reception and say "I've sent you something, take a look" and then watch my reaction.

I spent my day doing mental back flips trying to avoid him, be busy, brush his comments off, make quips to indirectly dismiss it.

Of course none of it worked.

I got so upset I didn't go back one day.

The agency fired me.

I called them asking for work. They told me I was not considered reliable as I failed to turn up.

I blurted out about the barrister in question. His sweaty, gross face leering at me watching me and my every reaction to his constant interruption. There was silence on the phone from the agency. My contact there just said something like, oh ok....

Next day I was called and put on another job. Never heard a jot about that asshole again.

But it preyed on my mind. How unfair it is trying to deal with these men. And how it's a waste of time trying to signal our discomfort and our objection.

Well done telling your boss but keep going - push your boss to do something and don't let the narrative hang on you that you are falling behind! This isn't on you. It's him.

Keep pushing.

I was 30 when I had that experience. The man was in his 50s. I often think on it, it was expected I'd be some sort of "good sport" about it, I'd say he truly thought that. I HATED every interaction with him. I'd even been warned by the previous receptionist about him!! It was accepted he was a creep. That's NOT OK! Not good enough.

This one is my favourite thank you - I think I can use this one and not have a wobble!

"Did you know I'm on camera? My boss has mentioned how often you come over and that it's impacting my work."

And thank you especially for the shark tank analogy Reading it I was thinking omg this so me. I have been 'bleeding' for such a long time and keep attracting these people who suck the life out of me. This was so helpful.

So I am just waiting to see what happens now that the hour is upon us for him approaching. I will be able to tell whether or not he's been spoken to.

Thank you for everything so far.

This is horrendous. I too was abused (via dirty phone calls) by a police officer when I was only 17. When we found out who he was by process of elimination (and some help) I was told by a senior male officer that 'you do realise he could lose his job?' I mean......

In the 90's I was attacked by a client after a corporate day at the races. I was just walking along the path with another colleague and he came up behind me and pushed me forward on the floor and simulated an act from behind (you get the picture). There were witnesses. I was asked the next day whether I wanted to pursue a complaint but I was so embarrassed I said no I just want to forget it, I didnt want to 'be that girl' to ruin a mans carreer. He wanted to send me flowers and I said no I didn't want anything. I do regret it now as I was 25yo I was under no illusion that as the client made millions for the company he would just get a slap on the wrist. If it happened now, I know for a fact I would nail his to the wall and these days it would be a sackable offense straight away.

I had similar happen to me by a teacher at school. My friend was there to witness it. I never reported it to the school as when I told my mother she said not to as he had a young family to support.

Wow...just wow..😡and a teacher... and your mother! We were not encouraged to ruin someone's career. Wish i could turn back time sometimes.

What many of us have to go through as females is horrendous. I believe now that schools especially in the 80's/90's missed out on teaching us what we could be up against.

So - he hasn't appeared today. I'm guessing that means he has been spoken to. Yikes. I do feel very relaxed that I am not having to put up with him today. But it also feels like I'm waiting for him to appear unexpectedly with some sort of accusation. Really hoping he's got the message now and is sitting stewing somewhere!

I'm glad he didn't turn up today and sincerely hope he's been told off. Don't let your guard down. Is there anywhere he could speak to you where you would be alone and out with the reach of cameras? Stay alert.

Yes the corridor leading to the toilets is where he got me last month. Asked for a hug right outside the loo!