Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

But where did you get the idea that at work, you must only talk about work.

When you were at school, did you only talk about school.
Did you never ask a school friend "what do you like to do after school" or "what are you doing at the weekend.

My manager talks about his kids, his golf, his holidays , his wife to me.

@anissa834 i think working also means how well one fits in. It isnt enough to be good at your job, it's being the right fit for a team. So if you are making your disinterest obvious, your cards will be marked somehow. Working life is about work and also just being civil and polite. To me, it doesnt sound like you have much social skills/awareness and you want to be recognised for your work. But these days, it's a lot more about the social aspect.

I say this as someone who is a minority in a predominantly white firm, and also who doesnt get to socialise much due to childcare but im still able to be pleasant and take an interest in others

Where did she say she won’t talk to people in her office who are not African?

And I ask again, where did she state she "has no interest in talking to or getting to know anyone who isn’t of African descent"? (your words)

You are stating things that the OP has not said. It is your opinion, not truth or fact. It is very offensive.

*all the usual social niceties that people do.
... OUTSIDE OF WORK!It is not usual in most places I've worked to know that level of detail about colleagues, and talk about them in work, but then I've never worked in a small-town, local neighbourhood business

well I don't work in a local neighbuisness for starters but for the towns biggest employer after the teaching hospital

It is usual, in my expierence for teams to know a lot about each other, omaybe not in yours though. However this will blow your mind, staff from other teams pop in and have a brew and chat with us. Often their kids go to the same school as our staffs kids so there is a lot of cross over between working and personal life!

If I'm working with someone for 12 hours and having lunch and dinner or breakfast and lunch if im on an early with them, it would be odd to sit in silence. There's only so much we can talk about work wise. Even the director isn't shady about where she goes on her holidays, she tells us in the newsletter as well as how her fitness journey is coming along as well as her Christmas shopping!!!
Long may it continue rather than having your nose to the grind every second.

Thank you for your post. I was thinking the same thing.

It's never happened, of course
But if they did I'd probably say (probably truthfully) "I haven't decided yet"
And the whole concept of 'going on holiday this year' as if it's a one-off thing is not something I've ever adhered to
I go away on short breaks 6-10 times a year, and long haul holidays 2 or 3 times
How well would that go down with colleagues?
And, again, whose life is improved by them knowing?

I don’t know if you work with clients op, but if you are coming to agreements or selling, the general chit chat before and after a meeting is vital sometimes. I won a contract once because I mentioned that my sister lived not far from where a client’s factory is based, and when the client was trying to make a decision between two equally good bids, they remembered that about me and it tipped the job in our favour.

Equally, with colleagues, it’s important to build relationships, for professional reasons. It’s short-sighted to think of holiday talk as irrelevant chit chat. How you treat and talk to others demonstrates who you are as a person. And if you want to
be promoted, and maybe manage a budget, and maybe have management invest in your training, then they need to trust you.

Why do you think you know better than your boss, or thousands of bosses for that matter, who pay to take their staff away on team building weekends? It’s because this sort of non-work activity enhances communication and understanding and breaks down barriers and incorrect assumptions and prejudices. Businesses wouldn’t invest hard cash in this sort of thing if it didn’t matter.

Agreed. I think the OP’s attitude to work relations is odd but she absolutely doesn’t say that.

TBH it’s not about being polite or ‘friends.’ It’s about having basic people skills and manners - people without them don’t last long at jobs, they don’t get promoted and they don’t have support networks when things go ‘tits up’ because no one helps Larry no-mates whose been a recluse and/or rude.

You’ll hit a wall eventually and you won’t have any help to get around it because you’ve been rude an alienated your colleagues. If a manager felt it necessary to raise, and your response was to double down, it probably won’t be long until a more formal complaint is made and terms like ‘rude’ and ‘aggressive’ are used to describe you.

And that's fine.

My manager didn't talk about that stuff to people he managed. It wasn't seen as our business, and that didn't bother me whatsoever.

School isn't work...two different things. You are being paid to go to work...that money is your firm's time.

This thread is depressing because it shows the extent to which women are still expected to be the mums of the office and to take care of everyone else's wellbeing, and what's worse, just how many women have internalised this.

Read the OP, FFS. She has basic people skills and manners.

I did and her follow up posts.

No need to swear.

I think the idea that just because a colleague comes in, says hello, gets her down but is able to chat through work wise on a project or piece of work, means that if she's struggling with something work wise (or even otherwise) many of you would not support her IS bullying.

If supporting every colleague is conditional on them fitting in and not being themselves (but she is civil and respectful and talks when needs be) that sounds like a toxic place to work.

Maybe some of your co-workers can't afford to go on holiday, so a colleague asking them where they are going on holiday could be embarassing. Not all 'small talk' is inoffensive.

Work is not school

I do not talk about my work outside of work
I do not talk about my life outside of work in work
That is the norm for most organisations I've worked

The UK has a terrible reputation for inefficiency and poor productivity
This thread is an eye-opener for those who wonder why

YES.

See, I don't think she was rude really. I think it is possible she is perceived as different due to her race or not being office mum, and so she was doubled down on for a perceived slight. I don't blame OP for being peeved about this. She may even be being targeted because she is really good at her job. Tall poppy syndrome...happens a lot in female-dominated workplaces.

I was polite, not particularly chatty, did the work I needed to do for a promotion, and was promoted. A lot of the more sociable people who didn't do as much stayed where they were. It depends on the work culture and what you want from your work. I was in one where results were valued, not so much the social stuff. You have to go where you can thrive.

And, as to team building weekends mentioned upthread, I'm probably a bit cynical about their effectiveness as well as their expense.

> If I'm working with someone for 12 hours and having lunch and dinner or breakfast and lunch if im on an early with them
Luckily I've never worked in that sort of environment
7 hours is the norm, 8 or 9 when deadlines approach, never have any meal with colleagues
And, of course, like many, possibly most, office professionals, I work from home

How did you manage to make friends, if you have an attitude of non disclosure to anyone that isn’t one.
I’m quite a private person, but even I’m finding some of your responses strange, bordering on paranoid.

I was extremely glad that my dad's surgeon was well liked by her colleagues, as it resulted in a very joined up approach to his care and cut through a lot of red tape when she could just pick up the phone and get things done very quickly after a chat with someone she was clearly on good terms with. I think there's a level of naivety where people assume that 'who you know' doesn't impact your ability to do your job and that professionals act in strict accordance with protocol at all times. Colleagues are only human whatever sector they work in, and will go the extra mile for those they like, which helps that person be better at their job.

Play the game, even if it is not how you really feel. Carrying on as you are isn't working for you or your co-workers. Make a slight shift and compromise, that is being an adult, you like your job, don't let this become a 'thing' it just isn't worth it.
I am always amazed how much one person's energy can impact the team for good or bad.

This isn't a black or white who is right who is wrong situation. It is about a dynamic and surely no-one wants to bring a negative dynamic to a team, if you do there is only going to be one loser here.

I make friends through shared interests
None of which include asking people about their holidays
It seems that compartmentalisation is a skill that many people on this thread have either never heard of, do not understand, or are incapable of

Fair enough if you work from home. When I’m in the office and get unpaid lunch breaks, I enjoy chatting to my colleagues. It’s not unproductive because it’s our break and we aren’t getting paid. My job is to build trusting relationships with people (I work in social services) so it feels normal to me to ask about peoples lives, e.g. if they are feeling better, have they got plans for the weekend. I can’t honestly say anyone has been offended by this and if they were, I’d apologise and never ask again. But it would make me feel on edge coming into work and scared to say/ask anything, which isn’t for me. The people I work with make or break the job for me, but that’s my opinion.

Good god … I’m glad I don’t have to work with some of you people. Whatever happened to common courtesy?

There are some very strange people on this thread who seem to lack common social skills and a normal level of courtesy … no idea where they must work to carry on like that every day 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️