Would I be crazy to stay in a 40k role instead of a 75k?!

[worklifedilemma]

On the surface I know YES looks wild...

Here's the dilemma:

I'm a mum to 3 primary age DC, currently in a FT role 40k per year. It's remote mostly with very occasional travel into London (1-2x a month) - I live west of London, very rural, around 1hr30 door to door. It's also technically a self-employed contract which means I can pop expenses onto my tax assessment etc. Also qualify for child benefit etc. I'm a middle manager at a private company, in case that helps context.

Not yet formally offered but going well a side side step career wise (no people management and stand alone), but in a more 'money' direction. (Comparable to say moving from criminal law to corporate - just more money in certain niches). £75k, PAYE. Obviously better pension wise etc as I only have my own self employed one at the moment. Almost double the money at £75k, but where it's PAYE no tax relief on expenses, which would be higher as they would want me in their London HQ 2-3 days per week. This is also longer days and would have to ensure we could make it work with childcare. So my overall expenses would be much higher, job much more taxing due to travel and time in office, and I'd lose child benefit. This would make my take home (after travel) around £400 ish more a month.

Just can't figure out if that £400 is worth the extra work/time/travel less time with the kids etc? Long term career I guess so.

Any words of wisdom? Any thoughts on what you would do if it were you?

This is a worry for me yes - but he’s promised me he’s done regardless and is looking for an out. We will of course find out either way if he sticks to his word.

op come on
no chance will he sell a business that’s back to being healthy and to such an extent people want to buy it

it won’t get in to a healthy state in 6 months if it’s been seriously failing for over a year

@allaboutsign he has said very little. I don’t think he would want to be fully 50/50 on both finances and life/kid/house admin etc. but he knows it’s not reasonable to say no.

He did say a little tongue in cheek ‘if you take it it’ll limit what I can do’ - a bit like I’ve done for you the last however many years then 😅

@allaboutsign he thinks he’s going to get the breakthrough in the software that means it’ll all be ok. I have little faith.

are you happy with him op? because i’m getting the sense that a big part of the appeal of the new job is that you have your eye on a future where you are divorced

So family of 5 surviving on £40k a year with a shady employer and both parents working full time and every month savings being depleted on a business that is going no where

Op i would be angry in your shoes

Am I as happy as I can be? No. I’m definitely happier here than juggling alone though. I don’t think we’re the perfect match but we do get by and things are okay.

Would I like a job that would make me able to leave should I choose? Absolutely. But that’s not a plan as it stands.

💐

@allaboutsign I am angry! The plan was never that I would work full time while the kids were small. I’ve had to start (which actually for independence I’m ok with but it was never the plan).

We also can’t go on holidays etc now like we could before. We’ve only got one car, when we could do with 2 for the kids and flexibility.

He whinges at me about finances all the time (for example he pays set bills and I pay set bills) we’ve always contributed proportionally to our income and he’s now saying I should pay more as he’s earning so little - though I argue it’s his choice and he should get something else. We could have payed off our mortgage with the money he’s eaten through for this business.

It sounds like you are talented at what you do. How easily could you add an extra self-employed contract to your existing workload, that would bring in another £400 pcm? That's only £100 pw. That could easily be just 1 or 2 hours a week on a consultancy fee basis for the niche expertise you have. Less hours than a single day's travel.

You would then have the same or more money coming in, but avoid the hideous exhausting commute. You wouldn't have the guilt and stress and grief of farming DC out for long days without you, of missing them grow up, of not being there if they are ill or unhappy. No stress of needing to find suitable childcare, or cleaners etc.

I am massively in favour of women sorting out good salaries and pensions for ourselves and climbing the corporate ladder as high as possible. But... I really don't regret a day spent with DC growing up. That time cannot be clawed back. The freedom to work from home, self employed is, imo, priceless.

ghastly he sounds
and selfish
and living in cloud cuckoo land

you feel trapped op

I think it very much depends on your current circumstances, are you happy with your quality life at the moment, if yes and you are managing to pay your bills and feel you have a good work life balance then no I wouldn’t. If youre on the skin of your arse every month and stressed about money then yes it might be something to consider. If it was me I wouldn’t but I’m not particularly ambitious and I am comfortable financially due to DHs salary so the extra 30K wouldn’t be worth it.

Looking back at your figures again I think the "problem" is that your current take home pay is quite different to what a take home pay from a normal 40k PAYE job would be. If your take home just from your job is roughly 3000, that is more than I was picking up when I was on 50k.
Taking that into account I can't see how it would be worth it. But in a few years time when childcare is less of an issue, and you won't need to run an extra car to make sure you can do school drop-offs etc, you could hopefully look to make a similar move then

@allaboutsign i feel like I’ve had a therapy session 😂he is very frustrating when it comes to finances

@Motherofdragons20 this is the problem. I’m quite content with the current money and work life balance. But I do worry about future prospects once the kids need me less.

@Mostunexpected yes I think this is it. Due to the weird set up I have at work it ‘feels’ more than 40k though on paper it is just where it’s not PAYE and so the tax and pensions etc are not quite the same.

I need to do a salary calculation to see what the equivalent amount PAYE would be to get a real feel for the ‘jump’ to 75k I suppose

and the rest

I think you need to look out for yourself and take the job but I would negotiate hard on the 2 days max per week in the office and possibly a higher salary? Do they have a car scheme through work?

If you take the new job and it's too much then you aren't in such a different situation to you are now where you think your current role will be disappearing.

OP I don’t think it’s a difficult choice at all.

Your current job is:
Underpaid
Insecure
Shit pension
Has you home to conveniently do all the housework!

New job is:
Nearly double the money
More secure industry
More secure contract ( not fake self employed)
Better future prospects in terms of industry
Much much better pension
Scope for even better money in future

In reality, YOU are the breadwinner in this family. That means HE steps up now so you can do this.
Negotiate for 2 days in office (be flexible to be prepared to do more occasionally) and the childcare won’t be an issue.
You’ll still have plenty of time with kids. I don’t think a man in the same situation would have any dilemma about this. He’d be assuming that it’s all good for the family and fully expecting his wife to support the change..

It’d be more if both were PAYE jobs but it’s sounds like OP is (quite rightly) absolutely rinsing self-employed allowances etc, if she is getting 3.6k take home on 40k. My salary is close to her new role and my take home is 3.9k…

Well said @TammyOne

Husband is under-earning so if he steps up this is quite doable. Don't pass up career progress in order to do housework, OP. Never.

You will kick yourself if you don't go after the money. Earning more when young is key to building security; waiting to earn more when you are older doesn't have the same impact due to the time value of money directed to pension, savings, etc.

Thanks everyone. Lots of valuable opinions - appreciated. The more I think about it the more I think I shouldn’t turn it down to appease DH and give him more free time (essentially what I’m doing right?!)

Someone with a seriously failing business, reliant on his wife working full time for a shit salary and three young children shouldn’t even be trying for more free time

OP… i’d be squirrelling money away for the future in your shoes

You've got this OP, I sincerely hope your marriage comes through the other side of this, but think you should be putting yourself first and putting yourself in the strongest position possible to cover all eventualities. Who knows, your DH may step up and realise the importance of what you've been doing which may just save the marriage.

it’s been two years of his business failing and here he is trying to leverage more relaxing time.

He isn’t going to come to any realisation