Managing a challenging person

[TheLever]

Firstly I do not have support in my workplace with this situation so constructive advice from other people is appreciated (thats an issue I will deal with separately. It’s all on me).

I will try not be biased but this person is causing me so much stress so it is hard.

I manage someone lets call them A who has what I find to come across as fairly right wing/fixed ideas. No neurodivergence has been disclosed but am navigating this challenge on the basis that it might be a possibility. I chose not to give them a promotion because their views do not fit the organisation ethos.

They do not believe in equality and diversity apart from when it applies to them. The interview was a car crash. They appear to lack self awareness or have an agenda so fixed that it means they say and do things that make themselves come across as inappropriate, tone deaf and a bit of a bully.

I appear to be who they are fixated on. They (intentionally or unintentionally I will never know) used the interview as an opportunity to belittle, offend and degrade me very subtly. It is clear they despise my management style and they are outspoken that they do not agree with me being the manager, however they applied for a job as my assistant so this made no sense. In the interview it was clear I would not be able to work collaboratively as they were positioning themselves as my opponent not my assistant. When they didn’t get the job they have now convinced themselves and colleagues that it was just a ploy to prove they were right about me. I’m aware they think I am too liberal minded, ie I do believe in equality and diversity!

I still manage them but in their original role, as part of a bigger team. I’ve tried very hard to build bridges and trust with them but they hate me so deeply nothing works. I do not need to be liked I expect to be respected. I am not here to make friends but I do promote respecting each other. I do not spend time upset that they do not like me. That’s fine and completely acceptable, it’s not acceptable to be disrespectful.

Since the interview they will not follow instruction directly, they triple and quadruple question me on every single thing I say and do. This takes up so much of my time. I give a very good explanation (run past others first to sense check) but they will still twist it all and continue to badger me.

They also are triangulating other people into getting very het up and emotional. I spent all morning calming their team member B down who had been gaslighted by A into interpreting an email from me in a completely twisted light. I actually felt sorry for this person as they really did believe that I had said Y when I had actually said X, and I read it out to them line by line giving reassurance that I was not lying to them or playing a game. A had given them a synopsis of my email that was completely untrue. I asked B to always come to check with me if they wanted to ask a question. B left much more reassured.

I have built up so much trust and rapport with my team and this person cannot bear it, so is trying to tear me down through others which is abusive and awful behaviour. Problem is - I can’t prove any of it.

They are apparently trying to goad me into pulling them into a disciplinary so that they can ‘eviscerate’ me.

I have so far taken the high ground and not given their silly games any attention. I will act on an outright blatant breach of contract or behaviours that are unacceptable but how should I deal with all of this silly childish game playing?

I think you may be right regarding some kind of neurodiversity - i have had experience of this kind of process however thankfully they were not in opposition to me but to my bosses and our organisation. Very tricksy, combative and super fixated on certain individuals - seeing everything that they do as combative and challenging to them. In my experience they do not give up and are utterly tenacious in their pursuance of what they feel as grievance against them. A psychologist told me that they want for the word to rearrange itself around their own expectations and perceptions. This means that to a large extent reasoning is useless as their ideas are so fixed - and sometimes their ideas or parts of them made some kind of sense. My strategy was placatory which always kept me on the right side (a different role entirely). Your person may not be so extreme as the people of my experiences but i do feel for you, its a very difficult position. Would you have access to psychology or something to support your assessment of the dynamic and maybe get pointers on how to manage it.

Happy people don't tend to carry on like that, what happy person gets out of their bed in the morning considering who they will upset that day 🤦🏻‍♀️ I would be very tempted to play on pity!

I see your a bit unsettled today, are you okay? You've interpreted my email wrong do you need me to explain it more? Make them feel like you pity them, make them feel stupid when they manipulate your task. I can't imagine they will continue if you feel sorry for them and not only that you think their thick too🤣🤣

Goodness gracious Woman.
This is ridiculous behaviour. Get a recorder. Tell her you are recording everything that you say to her. As there's a possibility that she has either hearing issues. Or the position is to hard for her and your willing to pop her down to the typing pool.
If she moans let her. Then play the statement again.
Failing this . I'd take her for a lovely trip out of the office to some amazing clifftops that you k know she would love to study them closer.
This is the politest answer.
Surly you watched Hanible lector..🔨🪓⚔️🗡🪛⚒️⛏️🪚🛠🔧xx

I'm sorry you have this to deal with as it sounds really stressful, especially without support from your workplace.

You’ve shown a lot of patience and professionalism, especially by focusing on respect and trying to keep things positive with your team.

It’s important that you’re documenting incidents and keeping things transparent with other team members, like when you reassured B.

That clear communication and calm approach shows your commitment to a respectful team environment, which helps build trust with others.

One practical step could be setting boundaries with A by directing certain communication to email, so there’s a written record. This could help if things escalate and gives you clear documentation without engaging in their games.

It sounds like you’re handling things well despite the challenge—staying calm and consistent will continue to set a strong example for your team.

My advice would be to stick to codes of practice, guidance and legislation. If they are in breech, ask for hr to take the lead to remain impartial. People like this always enjoy the drama of causing hassle and stiring the pot and seeing how far they can go with it. I'd be tempted to stick them on a training session everything they over step their position. If they are not qualified to manage, then manage them out the door. Sitting on this behaviour allows them to 1. Bully other staff and 2. Sends a clear message to the other team that you will not tolerate disrespect nor will you entertain it. I had it where people didn't like me fighting back, but I did so with reference to use of legislation, guidance and best practice. As a leader, you have to take the higher ground, ignore it because work place bullies eventually get bored of the games they play, and either fall in or they leave. If they don't like what you have to say, ask for their resignation....its a simple choice. It's also a very clear message. Every conversation have a witness, and uncomfortably record everything. If they ask why, explain this way everyone is transparent with the true facts and not an extended version. Personally, with behaviour like this, I'm sure you have an equality and diversity, if not a bullying in the workplace or harassment policy to justify suspension into an allegation? If not the crapiest jobs to be done, your covering the needs of the business right. I remeber once being told....do not ever cross a nurse! I said why? To be told....you'll know when because u won't ever do that again! I remeber once telling my daughter the same, and she learnt it the hard way! So some of the hardest experiences are learning those lessons because of complaincency. I'd take that there is an air of workplace bullying tagemount to justify suspension pending investigation. They might do you a favour and leave, but I'd make sure I'd have a lot of evidence to prove it, beyond a shadow with HR. Statements and incidents in writing. It's final then. But integrity is everything, the right way is everything. It reminds me of someone I worked with a few years ago, did the same and for a while It was allowed, and then one day...... a reminder of law is there, it's there for a reason, and if your company have a HR department, send complainants their way with the evidence to prove it. They will then do their thing.

Put everything in writing. Either email only or if you discuss something face to face, follow it up with an email starting “just to summarise our conversation…” then your back is covered.

don’t explain things over and over. If it’s in writing first, refer them to that. If they are taking up time then simply say you have explained X, this conversation is done.

don’t rise to the gaslighting of other staff. I’m sure they see through this person.

if possible, don’t engage in conversation with this person alone. Make sure office doors are open or someone is near by.

i have managed a very, very difficult team for nearly a decade now. Two of them caused me so much stress, even when I was pregnant. They were just nasty, unpleasant people. One of them is now trying to play the neurodiversity card but won’t disclose any diagnosis nor accept any suitable modifications to working. Stand strong. Remember you are the boss and were appointed to that position.

@TheLever how have you got on? I have someone like this also...

Techniques designed to calm and set boundaries with toddlers often work on grown adults too. I'm not even joking. Including connecting with humour.
It sucks having to work with such tricky people, but I guess it's an interesting insight into humans, and you have to find a way to laugh or you'd go insane.