Managing a challenging person

[TheLever]

Firstly I do not have support in my workplace with this situation so constructive advice from other people is appreciated (thats an issue I will deal with separately. It’s all on me).

I will try not be biased but this person is causing me so much stress so it is hard.

I manage someone lets call them A who has what I find to come across as fairly right wing/fixed ideas. No neurodivergence has been disclosed but am navigating this challenge on the basis that it might be a possibility. I chose not to give them a promotion because their views do not fit the organisation ethos.

They do not believe in equality and diversity apart from when it applies to them. The interview was a car crash. They appear to lack self awareness or have an agenda so fixed that it means they say and do things that make themselves come across as inappropriate, tone deaf and a bit of a bully.

I appear to be who they are fixated on. They (intentionally or unintentionally I will never know) used the interview as an opportunity to belittle, offend and degrade me very subtly. It is clear they despise my management style and they are outspoken that they do not agree with me being the manager, however they applied for a job as my assistant so this made no sense. In the interview it was clear I would not be able to work collaboratively as they were positioning themselves as my opponent not my assistant. When they didn’t get the job they have now convinced themselves and colleagues that it was just a ploy to prove they were right about me. I’m aware they think I am too liberal minded, ie I do believe in equality and diversity!

I still manage them but in their original role, as part of a bigger team. I’ve tried very hard to build bridges and trust with them but they hate me so deeply nothing works. I do not need to be liked I expect to be respected. I am not here to make friends but I do promote respecting each other. I do not spend time upset that they do not like me. That’s fine and completely acceptable, it’s not acceptable to be disrespectful.

Since the interview they will not follow instruction directly, they triple and quadruple question me on every single thing I say and do. This takes up so much of my time. I give a very good explanation (run past others first to sense check) but they will still twist it all and continue to badger me.

They also are triangulating other people into getting very het up and emotional. I spent all morning calming their team member B down who had been gaslighted by A into interpreting an email from me in a completely twisted light. I actually felt sorry for this person as they really did believe that I had said Y when I had actually said X, and I read it out to them line by line giving reassurance that I was not lying to them or playing a game. A had given them a synopsis of my email that was completely untrue. I asked B to always come to check with me if they wanted to ask a question. B left much more reassured.

I have built up so much trust and rapport with my team and this person cannot bear it, so is trying to tear me down through others which is abusive and awful behaviour. Problem is - I can’t prove any of it.

They are apparently trying to goad me into pulling them into a disciplinary so that they can ‘eviscerate’ me.

I have so far taken the high ground and not given their silly games any attention. I will act on an outright blatant breach of contract or behaviours that are unacceptable but how should I deal with all of this silly childish game playing?

@C152 did you miss the bit about this person being such a problematic (creating personal friction and enjoying being disliked with all colleagues not just op) person they have been moved on from every role in the organisation they've been in?
Work output (good at their job) is only one aspect of a person's qualities as an employee.

Would you put someone into a hr role that will involve exercising policies to which they are personally and outspokenly opposed? (I.e bog standard national requirements like the equalities act)

How strong are the company values and behaviours? Are they written into annual work objectives?

Is it time for them to be refreshed and included as compulsory?

This could be a way to manage them out.

LOTS of training and repeat training for those who don't adhere to following them.

That incidence between B and A, could a resolution meeting have been held where B gets to question A on why they said XYZ. Sure they will deny it but if these meetings have to keep happening due to them?

The other thing that is worth saying is to take care of yourself, managing a difficult person is really tough and can take a heavy toll.

I don't entirely disagree with @C152 - you do need to be crystal clear on what areas they are meeting the required minimum standard and what areas they are not. And it needs to relate to policies, documents, job description, person spec, etc. So you'll need to familiarise yourself with the employment contract, the JD/PS, anti-bullying and harrassment policy, grievance policy, sickness absence (in all likelihood), disciplinary procedures, EDI, etc. As you're in HR you might have a headstart with all of this! Personality alone and different beliefs alone are not enough.

The Equality Act 2010 is Law. Not ideas. Not beliefs. Law.

I would write this person up every single time they are offensive. I would insist that they undergo training. I would take them down the disciplinary route.

It's not their choice. It's law.

Not helpful of me OP, but this person is the reason I never want to be a line manager!

Fwiw I think you sound a great boss. I hope you can find a way to expose this person for what they are and manage them out. Sounds like he should be nowhere near an HR dept with those attitudes!

Do you have written company values? I'd imagine championing EDI would be high among them. Can you give this person tasks that expose his poor teamwork and attitude and pull him up on them?

Do you work in my company?? I posted not too long ago about an unhinged colleague - same thing, all the things she does are just not important enough in isolation, I can't (yet) put a proper case together.
You will need other people to take action too, so this person can't twist it into a personal issue.

@C152 it isn’t my choice to do team building but I try my best at them. We do not do them often enough that I think I am inflicting torture upon people too often after all I am the one who has to put it all together and present it, I find it torture personally but I make the best of it.

A is good at the technical skills of the job because it is a functional process and that is where they shine best, I can’t fault their productivity and it would be disingenuous of me to do so. They want to apply all the functional processes from a technical view point to people, and struggle with the concept of diversity and humans not being computers. They are intolerant of deviation from a process.

You can tick all the boxes for EDI but not really believe in the ethos of it - I do. I practice it both in law, policy etc and as a human being.

The organisation structure above me is director level and they are not keen to get involved in operational issues in all honesty. They agree this person is a trouble maker but can do the job so output matters the most to them and the other behaviour isn’t very relevant to them. To me, this affects me, my staff so it is more relevant.

I actually do respect person A. They have so much potential to do well, the have a drive/desire in them which you don’t see in everyone. It’s just all misdirected at the wrong things. They have let this anger consume them.

They are good at the job they currently do, they do not fit in the job they wanted. Two completely different jobs.

The ethos is centred around wellbeing.

They do not suggest alternatives no, they are just critical, defensive, spiteful and passive aggressive. I have given them so many opportunities to air their views, work collaboratively and they sabotage all of it on purpose. They do not want to work collaboratively. They cannot have difficult conversations as they will twist conversations back to everyone else’s failings instead of any of their own accountability.

They do follow instruction eventually because I do not back down and stick to my guns calmly, but it’s the process to get there that is painful, one instruction or direction from me will result in 9 or so ‘clarifying’ emails that make it appear that they do not read what I write.

Example:

Me: X is happening, plan is Y. No action for you, FYI only

A: Why are we doing Z I didn’t agree to this

me: I have not mentioned Z, please re-read the email. X is happening. Plan is Y. No action just FYI.

A: Well I don’t want to be involved in this I am too busy I have too much work insert tangent rant

Me: it’s for info, to keep you in the loop. Please read email - no action for you.

A: we never get told anything no one takes the staff into account round here

Me: I stop replying at this point

A then will go off and tell everyone about Z that isn’t real, doesn’t exist and upset people.

The interview was truly so awful I cried in my car on the way home. I think through exhaustion and frustration. Didn’t show it during interview. They came to the interview with an agenda to show me what an opponent they would be in forcing change to their own liking, they wanted to know how much power in decision making they had, they wanted me to know they would not tolerate EDI because it was not efficient. They did not seem to understand what the job entailed and couldn’t answer a basic ‘what would you do in this situation’ question as so focused on self promotion they got lost in it, rather than ‘this is an assistant role, I will be assisting you, how will I show I can do that’ they behaved like it was a stand alone role of their own.

Go back to basics - the company website for mission, vision and values.

Their JD for what's expected in their role.

HR statements of what's expected in your department.

Quality assurance scorecards for the manner the job is carried out

Equality Act for what the law says about DEI etc.

Ensure HR puts out a regular message about all this, and is seen to work to those values. Know the way, go the way, show the way.

Review your own leadership, feedback and coaching skills.

Keep everything. Document every interaction, every instruction you give them, their behaviour, any complaints etc.

Ensure all you task them with is in writing and followed up, including behaviour.

Absolutely stick to policy, procedure, law in everything you do, and be able to cite it.

Call out every instance of their falling short, and ensure that applies to every one else too, for consistency.

Ensure you broadcast the message so everyone knows to come to you for clarification should they feel anything is unclear, and not to go via a third party. Saves company time - and stops misunderstandings escalating.

Do you think you're too nice in such situations? You wrote that x is happening and they came back with 'why is z happening' - what would happen if you only replied something in the lines of 'This is incorrect. re-read the email'?

Please don't tell me they work with vulnerable groups? They sound like a fucking nightmare and I'd be quick to pull them up on their shortcomings. Don't play their game.

Re the inconsequential side rants that try to lead you into the weeds:

Dismiss, cut them off, refuse to be dragged off.

Re claims that they're being kept in the dark - Head them off in advance, ensure your messaging about what's actually happening is always frequent, consistent and loud.

If you know they will go off and spread rumours about nonsense - 'that is not true. That is fiction. The fact is ...'

Check up on your company policy re spreading rumours and lies.

I just can't imagine acting like that. If my manager sent me an email that x is happening, first I would not aggressively respond that why wasn't I consulted about Z?? But if I had asked about z, I would apologise I didn't read the email properly where Z wasn't even mentioned.

I don't really understand the company structure, OP. You say that you are HR, but you don't seem to know how to handle this employee's poor conduct. Is it a very small organisation or something, with everyone wearing different hats?

This isn't about you taking the high road or not, it is about you doing your job of managing this person effectively. Either their conduct is having a negative impact on the organisation or it isn't.

If this person's behaviour is having a negative impact on the team or on the working environment as a whole, then it is your job as a manager to deal with it - and that is the high road because this isn't about a personal disagreement, it is about doing what is in the best interests of the company, even if that is a difficult path for you to tread personally.

If this person's behaviour is not having any impact on the team or the business, then you don't need to do anything because there isn't an issue. You just need to set aside your own irritations and get on with doing the job. However, it doesn't sound to me like the behaviour can be ignored.

If the bad behaviour has become normalised, it is time to reset expectations with a line in the sand letter, followed by disciplinary action for any further poor conduct.

You are the line manager here. You need to take control of the situation.

I agree with PP I am confused by the company structure here. You are HR but have no support internally - do other management not want this person out as well? They’ve been moved from pillar to post presumably because no one likes them.

I did all of this with a direct report who was like the person you describe. Then, as soon as an opportunity came up to reorganise the team, I did so, with the support of my boss. I drew up the criteria for the new roles, setting a high threshold for behaviours.
The troublesome (and misogynistic) git scored lowest funnily enough and because I had all the evidence, we managed to make him redundant as a result. It took a while but my life was much easier afterwards and the team happier and more productive.

Re team building activities - I had to create and run several recently including one on a subject I have zero respect for but it was flavour of the month. I just got on with it. Helped me to build my professional impact.

Step away from thinking and talking about them as 'torture'.

Instead, think about all the positive benefits of running them, including how you can leverage this opportunity, and work to those.

Use everything you've reviewed about company mission, vision, values, behaviour expectations etc as the basis of the next event.

Broadcasting and embedding this message will help your position and expectations of everyone's behaviour, prevent them feeling singled out, and make you look good to management.

These things can be turned to your advantage. Just need to rethink your opinion of them.

But if you have clearly stated, and in writing, that Z is not happening, and this colleague complains to everyone about Z, surely you have a case for a conversation at least and a grievance if that is repeated?
It’s undermining for the team, potentially it’s bullying depending on what Z is.

Was anyone else involved in the interview?

@Menatwork fantastic! Going official, exemplary and fair all the way.

Don't hesitate to access any Employee Assistance Programme that's available to you and take care of yourself - it's very hard managing an employee like this.

I say that because of your emotional response to the interview. It sounds like they thoroughly embarrassed themselves and the rest of the panel was in full agreement with you?

Also, annual reviews are a golden opportunity to document overall progress in the role (although you don't need to wait as nothing that's said there should really come as a surprise). But think about what SMART goals you can set that would help to address the problems this individual is having.

It doesn't hurt your case at all to say: 'you are good at these specific tasks because you are accurate/efficient/meet deadlines/knowledgeable, etc. You are struggling with these specific tasks (which can include attitude, teamwork, etc).

Don't forget that you are giving them this information to help them.

So much good advice I really do appreciate it, I am taking it all on board. Yes the set up of my organisation is a bit odd to describe I’m sorry. I am the most senior manager. Above me are directors who delegate everything day to day, staffing, HR etc to me. They are involved with the financial/corporate side.

I don’t want to be too outing with another recent scenario but here goes:

A: I want to have a meeting about the workload for XYZ reason. It’s not fair and everyone in the whole organisation is feeling completely negative and deflated to be honest. Everyone is talking about it, it’s how everyone feels.

me: ok let’s meet to discuss the workload. I’ve set up a meeting here are the details can you attend?

A: continues to send emails about the work meeting before the meeting and the ‘negativity’

Me: let’s discuss at the meeting I’ve set up.

A: starts complaining about the meeting attendees and the day of the week by sending lots of messages via different mediums rapidly at me

Me: Please stop messaging me now.

A is goading me because what they wanted to talk about was all the gossipy negativity they want to gloat over and I was focusing on the workload.

I’ve also found messages they have sent to other people on the internal system about me.

Just read the ACAS guide - and, wow, I wish I'd known about settlement agreements when I was working with a bully for a bully! One of the examples is about an irreconcilable personality clash, OP.

It's possible to be bullied 'upwards'. Do you think that's what's happened? If you've got actual evidence of messaging about you and if the interview notes (for the whole panel) reflect them getting digs in at you, you could put in a grievance and force senior directors to investigate (but be absolutely certain you've got as much evidence as possible).

This has got some info on upward bullying.

https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

@TheLever Thanks for your response. It seems you're in a worse position that I thought from your original post. You may live and breathe the company values, but the company clearly doesn't, which is a fundamental problem. You said it yourself - they value output more than behaviour and the wider comfort of other staff, including you. That's something this type of personality will pick up on.

I assume conversations relating to feelings probably wouldn't go well with this person. But if they're good at a functional role and you actually want to keep them, would a more focused conversation about what they need to do in order to progress be more effective? For instance, if they genuinely want a role in HR, could you go over what they need to work on before they may be ready to try for that type of role again (be aware of current legislation, apply it correctly, perhaps go on a communication skills course etc)? Is there a HR role their skills may be more suited to, like systems; payroll or process mapping?

I'm not suggesting you need to keep them or keep trying. But you already know that managing them out is the only other option if everything else has failed.