Managing a challenging person

[TheLever]

Firstly I do not have support in my workplace with this situation so constructive advice from other people is appreciated (thats an issue I will deal with separately. It’s all on me).

I will try not be biased but this person is causing me so much stress so it is hard.

I manage someone lets call them A who has what I find to come across as fairly right wing/fixed ideas. No neurodivergence has been disclosed but am navigating this challenge on the basis that it might be a possibility. I chose not to give them a promotion because their views do not fit the organisation ethos.

They do not believe in equality and diversity apart from when it applies to them. The interview was a car crash. They appear to lack self awareness or have an agenda so fixed that it means they say and do things that make themselves come across as inappropriate, tone deaf and a bit of a bully.

I appear to be who they are fixated on. They (intentionally or unintentionally I will never know) used the interview as an opportunity to belittle, offend and degrade me very subtly. It is clear they despise my management style and they are outspoken that they do not agree with me being the manager, however they applied for a job as my assistant so this made no sense. In the interview it was clear I would not be able to work collaboratively as they were positioning themselves as my opponent not my assistant. When they didn’t get the job they have now convinced themselves and colleagues that it was just a ploy to prove they were right about me. I’m aware they think I am too liberal minded, ie I do believe in equality and diversity!

I still manage them but in their original role, as part of a bigger team. I’ve tried very hard to build bridges and trust with them but they hate me so deeply nothing works. I do not need to be liked I expect to be respected. I am not here to make friends but I do promote respecting each other. I do not spend time upset that they do not like me. That’s fine and completely acceptable, it’s not acceptable to be disrespectful.

Since the interview they will not follow instruction directly, they triple and quadruple question me on every single thing I say and do. This takes up so much of my time. I give a very good explanation (run past others first to sense check) but they will still twist it all and continue to badger me.

They also are triangulating other people into getting very het up and emotional. I spent all morning calming their team member B down who had been gaslighted by A into interpreting an email from me in a completely twisted light. I actually felt sorry for this person as they really did believe that I had said Y when I had actually said X, and I read it out to them line by line giving reassurance that I was not lying to them or playing a game. A had given them a synopsis of my email that was completely untrue. I asked B to always come to check with me if they wanted to ask a question. B left much more reassured.

I have built up so much trust and rapport with my team and this person cannot bear it, so is trying to tear me down through others which is abusive and awful behaviour. Problem is - I can’t prove any of it.

They are apparently trying to goad me into pulling them into a disciplinary so that they can ‘eviscerate’ me.

I have so far taken the high ground and not given their silly games any attention. I will act on an outright blatant breach of contract or behaviours that are unacceptable but how should I deal with all of this silly childish game playing?

That sounds absolutely awful. I'm sure the parents/siblings/partners/neighbours of this person will have been on here complaining about them. No advice I'm afraid as I'm out of that world now, but is there any chance of them moving teams?

They are very unpopular with most other members of staff but say they enjoy this.

They like it when people do not like them, it is enjoyable and challenging. They actually said in the interview that they liked to cause disruption and if they got the job they knew they would be very unpopular but it would be more effective than my approach.

They seem to believe I want to be liked and popular. They don’t know me. I just know you get more out of your team if you are nice to them. I smile, chat, make them feel comfortable, heard, I’m approachable. I don’t socialise with anyone outside of work and don’t get hurt if someone doesn’t like me. We we are all here just to work but it’s a nicer environment if we all respect one another.

i

I don't suppose they've been in their job for less than two years?

I would start by reading their job description and person specification and seeing if they measure up to that. If not, put them on a Performance Improvement Plan*.

If they've just failed to get a promotion (or another job) that they wanted, now is a good time to talk to them about their long-term career aims and what you can do to help them get the skills and experience they want. This could include shadowing other people (in other teams) so they spend less time with your team. Are there secondment opportunities they could go for (again, the less time spent with your team the better)?

This approach has the merit of you fulfilling your management role (and being supportive and friendly regardless of their behaviour) and helping them on their way out of your team.

*Edit, or take steps in that direction. You don't necessarily want to whip at a PIP the next time you see them. Slowly and gently is best. Quite often an employee will respond by going off sick with stress and they might be able to be 'managed out' in that way.

@Not2identifying they were here before me so I have inherited them. They have been moved so much they now are quite isolated away from everyone else as they are so polarising. Some degree of interaction is still required. No one else wants to work with them.

They are good at their job. There are no other performance issues.

Their career goals are to work in HR apparently.

Can you speak to HR about them maybe doing a couple of weeks "shadowing" work in HR to see what it's like/learn about the job? It will get them out from under your feet and will show their behaviour to someone else when you're not there so you can't be blamed.

I am HR 😂😂😂

Oh no! Disaster! I think it's laughable that they want to work in HR anyway BTW.

My greatest moment was keeping a straight face when I heard this.

I kind of pity them in some ways, imagine being that angry all the time

You could explain to them that their answers in their interview suggest they don't like you or your management approach and ask them if they are happy in the role or not, happy in this specific workplace or not.

It sounds like they are quite self-aware about their impact on other people, that they are confrontational and 'like to be disliked'. You could talk about teams and belonging and team culture. Something like EDI is not usually optional but you should be really clear that this person has the right to hold and express right wing views but they don't have the right to be racist, for example. If you're not knowledgable about this area of law then do get advice (and check the advice, lots of HR departments would happily break the law by shutting down gender critical views).

You could discuss with your bosses in HR having a 'protected conversation' - especially if this is after you've had convesations about the importance of teamwork and EDI, etc.

Is there anything in their contract that means you can manage A out on discrimination/bullying/similar for "airing their opinion" on hot topics? I'm just thinking you could innocently leave a Guardian in the breakroom and get witnesses to some sort of bigoted rant? A lot of companies have "bringing the company into disrepute" sort of clauses in the contract. If anyone makes a formal complaint, you're sorted. Otherwise, if they post racist hateful bigoted stuff on social media, again, you might be able to get them out on the basis of bringing the company into disrepute.

That's a good idea, @PrincessAnne4Eva

@Not2identifying thank you!

In terms of EDI their main issue is disability. They are open that they hold resentment about it.

We have had team building days, they declare them as a pile of crap, we have had communication seminars and they behaved strangely and controversially in front of everyone too (everyone did this face 😮)

I feel like I am in a situation where perhaps if I give them enough time they will overstep the line but I don’t quite have enough to go on yet,

We already had to warn them during COVID for their views on social media.

Reading through your OP, you need to call them out every single time... Keep it extremely professional and factual but be absolutely clear about the inappropriate behaviour each time it happens. Be clear about your expectations and that while you are happy to discuss or answer questions, your decisions are to be respected and followed. Keep a record of each interaction and follow up with them via email. Yes, they may file a grievance or it may go to disciplinary but if you have been explicit about what is expected of them and what they are contractually expected to do, so what? Oh and not believing in diversity is absolutely no excuse for being rude or for harassment.

Honestly forget the high road. Keep written records of everything and take them though discipliary proceses, even if just to result in a warning. The sooner you start the sooner they will go/be fired. If you wait till there's something really bad to discipline them for, you'll have to start from first base. If they already have warnings on record, you can skip a step.

Do everything by email writing eg with this team member situation where they have wound someone up, follow up to both parties by email. Call this person out in the email and tell them that they are distressing their colleagues and need to be more considerate in their conduct. That your email to them was clear and if they felt otherwise, should have addressed it with you rather than spreading fear. You need to not let them get away with anything.

I speak from bitter, bitter experience!

The problem is, they're getting away with this behaviour and there are no consequences for it. I know you say that they're goading you into taking disciplinary action, but is there a reason why you don't want to go down this route? Their behaviour sounds unacceptable. Are you short on evidence, perhaps?

If you don't want to go down the route of a full disciplinary, then could you perhaps give them a "line in the sand" letter setting out your expectations around acceptable conduct and warning them that action will be taken if they don't comply with these expectations?

Realistically, you're not going to win them over, so if you don't find a way of shutting it down, it will just continue.

Get rid of them however you can. Can you manage without someone in their role for long enough to make it redundant?

To be fair to them, team building days ARE a pile of crap

(It's not me I'd hate to work in hr)

You could use how they are making team members feel as a catalyst for tackling bullying behaviour. The email triangulation is bullying behaviour towards that colleague, you cannot leave this unchecked. I work in HR, usually in my experience “problems” are dealt with by settlement agreements within the function, is that a possibility here?

I agree with PP about documenting everything and being very responsive to anything that doesn't reach the required standard. Don't get frustrated if it takes ages, management is an important part of your role (presumably) and doing it right does take a long time.

Ok so I feel like I am on my own in this - it is common knowledge but it’s been going on so long, it’s become normal. The management above me are not proactive about taking action and I feel like I have to be careful not to make it appear like a personal vendetta problem with both of us at war. This is why I have taken the higher ground to keep my own sheet clean so that I can’t be accused of retaliating. I try to take my own feelings out of the matter - it’s ok to dislike me, I can handle that. I do think it would be easier to put my case forward if A did do something much worse.

I have no choice but to do team building, it’s just part and parcel of the role and I do try to make it enjoyable.

I agree it's time to wander off from the high road! This person needs some consequences to their actions!

I managed somebody challenging, she eventually left as she wasn't being left to do what she wants. She couldn't handle being managed unless you were blowing smoke up her behind!!

When she was being unprofessional I would communicate with her via email and cc my boss into the communications. She tried to get me disciplined several times for basically telling her I didn't appreciate her bullying the team, she had to be the best and if anybody else had ideas she hated them and tried to bring them down. It was awful. She was very close to being dismissed the she handed her notice in I think before we could sack her!

Don't play her games, but don't stand for it and document everything! She's there to work if she doesn't meet the standards time to pull her up!

They are good at their job. There are no other performance issues.

But that can't be true can it? Because they to be good at their job wouldn't waste time triple and quadruple questioning you. You need support from your manger, liaising with their manager to put a stop to this.

I think you are right to be careful and try to keep your own 'clean sheet'.

There's no reason though why you can't talk to the individual and say 'you're within your rights to feel that team days are a waste of time but can you see why expressing those views would hold you back from becoming a PA to somebody who is responsible for team days?'.

Blimey they sound practically psychopathic!

Been there so long and so disliked they have been moved on from every post and they are trying to manoeuvre to be able to be in a position to administer the vet system they disruptive of... as though they could implement the regime they see fit against the current status quo... and despite the fact their personal views are counter to national legislation and despite knowing everyone round them wishes they were history!

It's like they view the organisation as something they need to dominate and conquer.

Most people with their deeply held values would be as far away from HR as possible.

Instead they interview to be your assistant while simultaneously positioning as your personal anti Christ.

Really really weird.

Imagine if they got a post on HR .. no one would rest easy ever again. 👀😱

It sounds like a challenging clash of styles and personality. I do think you were fundamentally wrong if you actually did what you said: "I chose not to give them a promotion because their views do not fit the organisation ethos." You went on to say they are good at their job and there are no actual performance issues with this individual.

You also mention respect a lot, but that has to be earned. It doesn't just automatically come with a job title, it's the actions of the person that mean people will respect them or not. I do think people should be polite to each other in a work environment, but that's not the same thing as respect. Some of your examples of poor attitude seem rather flimsy eg. 'team building' days are a total load of crap and I have never met a single person who thinks otherwise. It's a shame your company has forced you into organising this.

I do agree that this person's approach to the interview was very strange - did they apply just to needle you? Do they know how to have difficult conversations? I mean, they obviously disagree with your approach, but have they suggested an alternative? Was this the only way they could tell you they were unhappy with your management style?

I think you may be letting your dislike of this person cloud your judgement. They're good at their job; you just don't like their personality. If they are such a huge problem, why are none of your senior colleagues supporting you? I guess if you really want to take it further, you could look at your employee's contract and pull them up on something like 'disobeying a reasonable instruction' or insubordination something like that.