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Original poster

Employees's personal tragedies affecting work

118 replies

Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:29

I run a small business. This means every team member has significant responsibilities.

One of the employees has been having personal tragedy after tragedy this year. Since January when he had his first issue, he has struggled to perform. I have given him grace, extended deadlines, given more support and offered to pay for private counseling. The situation has not improved.
In July we had a frank conversation about him needing to pull his socks and try to work through his personal issues- he dwells on them and doesn't seem to be trying to find a way out.

Now things have gotten worse- his mother passed away last week and he has been off work since (as he should)- but I have piles and piles of outstanding work he has not completed that has now become urgent, and I cannot afford to hire an alternative resource. I know when he returns to work after his leave he is going to be in a worse state that we need to manage compassionately.
But how do I balance the empathy and ensuring the business needs are met?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 09/09/2024 08:34

Using the disciplinary process. And of course any leave will be unpaid I assume, which generally prompts people to get back. Where I worked you got one paid day for bereavement anything further was unpaid, or holiday allowance. Stick with what your employee handbook says and you won't go far wrong.

LIZS · 09/09/2024 08:38

If the work needs doing you need to get a temp in. It would be unfair to dump accumulated work on him on his return. If he goes off sick you would need to. However the ongoing performance issue should be addressed. Has he promised improvement, was he on a pip with agreed measurable targets? How long have you employed them?

Octavia64 · 09/09/2024 08:42

A lot depends on the personal tragedies.

If, for example, he has been diagnosed with a major disease eg MS or similar then he would count as disabled and you should be extremely careful about how you approach this.

The specifics matter here.

Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:42

@Doggymummar thanks- I am in a different country, and give my employees 5 days paid compassionate leave. I need to stick to the handbook but a part of me also feels terrible because he has been a good employee for 2 solid years, and only this year is he slacking.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 09/09/2024 08:44

How close to 2 years service is he? We had a similar person at work, every week the dog ran away, brother was hospitalised, daughter turned up unexpectedly, the kitchen flooded, dad had a heart attack, great aunt Betsy died... He was the unluckiest man I'd ever met.

I ended up leaning that job because I would be so stressed from getting work dumped on me at the last minute to cover for him and he's still there.

Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:45

@LIZS I did not put him on a formal PIP, but yes we agreed on him improving, and set measurable targets that he has failed to meet, I was to have another conversation with him last week and found out about his mother's passing the morning of.

OP posts:
FirstTimeHomeowner · 09/09/2024 08:48

Honestly I get how hard this is (and have been there) but you probably want to get country specific legal advice. You'll get lots of UK based answers that may not fit culturally or legally.

Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:50

This reply has been withdrawn

We've withdrawn this post on the OP's behalf as she was concerned it might be identifying.

OldTinHat · 09/09/2024 08:50

Can you suggest he goes on garden leave for a couple of weeks with the message that after that, his performance will be monitored and he will have weekly meetings to discuss. That you understand his difficulties, but the business has to function and he needs to carry out his role, if he can't then you'll have to let him go.

I say this from personal experience. I was a PA to a CEO, head honcho, very expecting that everything was done exactly and immediately. I suffered a miscarriage at the same time as my now XH left me for the OW. I thought work was my solution to distracting myself from the emotional pain.

Anyway, CEO called me into his office and told me he was taking me to lunch. This never, ever happened before and he had loads of family working in the firm, too. He was a tough bastard, everyone was scared of him. I wasn't.

We went for lunch and he very gently and kindly said that my standard of work had dropped and was unsatisfactory. He understood I was going through a difficult time and, as such, he was putting me on garden leave for two weeks, full pay. After that, I could return firing on all cylinders or he would have to let me go. I respected him even more after that.

I finished the day, had the two weeks off, then came back with my game face on and knocked the ball out of the park, as they say. I never had another 'lunch' and I stayed for several years until I remarried and left for maternity. The CEO retired during that time and I took over as PA for the MD and had a glowing reference.

I think you're going to have to be like this. Kind but firm. At the end of the day, your business is first and foremost and has to function. You have staff relying on it for their livelihoods. You can't let one person drag it down, whatever the reason.

Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:51

@FirstTimeHomeowner I understand that- not really looking for what is legal. Similar cultures so not worried about that part. Just need tips on how to deal with this as a leader.

OP posts:
Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 08:54

OldTinHat · 09/09/2024 08:50

Can you suggest he goes on garden leave for a couple of weeks with the message that after that, his performance will be monitored and he will have weekly meetings to discuss. That you understand his difficulties, but the business has to function and he needs to carry out his role, if he can't then you'll have to let him go.

I say this from personal experience. I was a PA to a CEO, head honcho, very expecting that everything was done exactly and immediately. I suffered a miscarriage at the same time as my now XH left me for the OW. I thought work was my solution to distracting myself from the emotional pain.

Anyway, CEO called me into his office and told me he was taking me to lunch. This never, ever happened before and he had loads of family working in the firm, too. He was a tough bastard, everyone was scared of him. I wasn't.

We went for lunch and he very gently and kindly said that my standard of work had dropped and was unsatisfactory. He understood I was going through a difficult time and, as such, he was putting me on garden leave for two weeks, full pay. After that, I could return firing on all cylinders or he would have to let me go. I respected him even more after that.

I finished the day, had the two weeks off, then came back with my game face on and knocked the ball out of the park, as they say. I never had another 'lunch' and I stayed for several years until I remarried and left for maternity. The CEO retired during that time and I took over as PA for the MD and had a glowing reference.

I think you're going to have to be like this. Kind but firm. At the end of the day, your business is first and foremost and has to function. You have staff relying on it for their livelihoods. You can't let one person drag it down, whatever the reason.

I actually gave him an entire week off at the beginning of July for him to rest and come back refreshed.
He came back with lots of promise, tried to push for about 2 weeks but then 'relapsed' when he had yet another issue with the grandparents.

I guess I do need to act when he returns from leave and let him go if he doesn't come to the party. I have tried.

OP posts:
Meadowwild · 09/09/2024 08:55

This reply has been deleted

We've withdrawn this post on the OP's behalf as she was concerned it might be identifying.

Poor man. Can your company afford to sign him off on long term sick leave and get in a replacement. Maybe ask him to come in one day a week to help the temp set up work for the week and show them what is needed, then phase him back in gradually when he is ready.

Or hire an assistant, so that he can explain to the assistant what needs doing and together they can get through the backlog.

It's tricky but I think compassion is the priority in a case like this.

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 09:06

He needs to be signed off sick. You need a temp.

substituteconcentration · 09/09/2024 09:09

The mother of his child died, his caring responsibilities have changed overnight, he's caring for a bereaved child, and now he's suffered another bereavement.

And your response is to put him on a PIP and dismiss him when he returns from bereavement leave? You think a week's leave would allow anybody to recover or adjust to this? Have you completely lost your mind?

That's completely fucked up. You have a duty of care to him and if you're not prepared to honour that then you shouldn't be an employer. You don't even sound competent to be managing people based on your approach to this.

You may not be in the UK but the Acas, CIPD and Marie Curie websites have guidance about how to support bereaved employees with genuine compassion and ethics.

Whitetowelss · 09/09/2024 09:11

substituteconcentration · 09/09/2024 09:09

The mother of his child died, his caring responsibilities have changed overnight, he's caring for a bereaved child, and now he's suffered another bereavement.

And your response is to put him on a PIP and dismiss him when he returns from bereavement leave? You think a week's leave would allow anybody to recover or adjust to this? Have you completely lost your mind?

That's completely fucked up. You have a duty of care to him and if you're not prepared to honour that then you shouldn't be an employer. You don't even sound competent to be managing people based on your approach to this.

You may not be in the UK but the Acas, CIPD and Marie Curie websites have guidance about how to support bereaved employees with genuine compassion and ethics.

Agree with this - the poor man. Show some empathy! His work has been very good by your own admission until this terrible sequence of events.

Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 09:13

substituteconcentration · 09/09/2024 09:09

The mother of his child died, his caring responsibilities have changed overnight, he's caring for a bereaved child, and now he's suffered another bereavement.

And your response is to put him on a PIP and dismiss him when he returns from bereavement leave? You think a week's leave would allow anybody to recover or adjust to this? Have you completely lost your mind?

That's completely fucked up. You have a duty of care to him and if you're not prepared to honour that then you shouldn't be an employer. You don't even sound competent to be managing people based on your approach to this.

You may not be in the UK but the Acas, CIPD and Marie Curie websites have guidance about how to support bereaved employees with genuine compassion and ethics.

I think you are being unfair. It has been 8 months of me trying to manage the situation fairly and not take any drastic steps. Of course the situation changed last week, but I have been nothing but supportive and compassionate- which is why I never took any disciplinary route. I run a business, not a charity.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 09/09/2024 09:16

They are not being unfair. You are. Shocking. You do need to be able to hire a temp etc or you may have bigger problems. Anyone can become seriously unwell or disabled at any point and then you really would be stuck.

MrsCarson · 09/09/2024 09:17

I think you are being unfair. It's not like it's one thing that happened and he's not getting to grips, it's one thing happening after another. All different things to deal with.
Poor man sounds like he's sinking into a deep hole and having the worst time trying to get out.

HelenWheels · 09/09/2024 09:19

of course you cannot discipline them

AllTipAndNoIceberg · 09/09/2024 09:24

Project2024 · 09/09/2024 09:13

I think you are being unfair. It has been 8 months of me trying to manage the situation fairly and not take any drastic steps. Of course the situation changed last week, but I have been nothing but supportive and compassionate- which is why I never took any disciplinary route. I run a business, not a charity.

Show quote history

But why would you have taken a “disciplinary route”? That wouldn’t be justified under the circumstances, surely?

And yes, being supportive and compassionate in your manner towards him is important, but it’s only meaningful if backed up with supportive and compassionate actions.

I run a business, not a charity

^^ That’s almost comically out of step with your claims of compassion

Vivalavida1 · 09/09/2024 09:29

Those really are some awful tragedies for a person to experience over the course of a lifetime let alone a few months. You know what would make that even worse? Losing his job.

I understand you run a business but on a human level you shouldn’t want to push this man to the edge… He has a child who’s already lost their mother ffs.

Can you not hire a temp to alleviate the workload, rather than it all being left to pile up? This man’s tragedies will stop. He will find routine again. He needs time.

Obeseandashamed · 09/09/2024 09:29

MrsCarson · 09/09/2024 09:17

I think you are being unfair. It's not like it's one thing that happened and he's not getting to grips, it's one thing happening after another. All different things to deal with.
Poor man sounds like he's sinking into a deep hole and having the worst time trying to get out.

This! It hasn't been 8 months. It has been 8 months since the first tragedy then multiple have followed on since then. The poor man could have signed off sick a long while back but it sounds like he's still been showing up and trying. He needs some slack and you need to hire a temp. Poor man. 😔

Original poster
Project2024 · 09/09/2024 09:32

@AllTipAndNoIceberg I understand tragedies take years (if ever) to get over. But in the meanwhile life carries on- and we all have to be adults about it and soldier on.
His poor performance is a disciplinary issue- and his personal circumstances legally have nothing to do with it. Morally yes, which is why I am hesitant to do anything and just needed tips to balance the 2 competing interests.
8 months of sensitively managing this is a long time- we all have to put our big girl panties on at some point.
I personally have been running this business during tragedies, loss of close family member, covid shut downs, grave illness and infertility issues, extremely risky pregnancies and taking care of my ailing elderly parents etc- but I understood that if I don't work I won't have a business or an income.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 09/09/2024 09:32

Why are people jumping on OP - the question has been asked in the work forum in the context of how best to go forward managing the business side of things. It’s not like they’ve blasted the employee in AIBU. The business has to run smoothly and it’s OP’s job to ensure undue stress is not falling on other employees.

The issues OP has described go beyond ‘compassion’, it’s been nearly a year of work falling behind and the employee (through no fault of their own) has gotten used to work not needing to be done.

However, I completely agree that OP needs to just bite the bullet and hire a temp to get this work shifted. You need to sit down and look at what work is outstanding, assign X tasks to a temp (even part time hours) and have a sit down chat with employee to let them know what burden has been taken off them and what tasks they need to keep up with. I would have more regular 1:1 meetings with them to keep track of work for the next while, I’d keep it positive and black/white about what tasks need to be done.

I wouldn’t start any disciplinary at this time.

35965a · 09/09/2024 09:33

Yikes I don’t know how he’s still standing after going through all that. I am not sure how you handle this, but I do know disciplinary isn’t what I would do. I would probably see if he could go down the long term sick way - his work is affected by everything so it seems he should be off for longer. This is what temps are for.