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Original poster

AIBU to be refuse to attend overnight work event 200 miles away?

120 replies

Eseedeepee · 17/07/2024 09:06

A few months back the company I work for was bought. The HQ of the new owners is nearly 200 miles away from my office and home. They are expecting me in 6 weeks to attend a 2 day (inc overnight stay) work event at their HQ. I have a 15 month old who I have never spent the night away from. I still BF and cosleep.

AIBU to say I cannot attend? I don’t know if I am being sensitive as I don’t want to leave baby (or if I did it would be on my terms, for a night away with DH!), but then again is it even reasonable for them to request this?

Would love to hear thoughts!

OP posts:
PickledPurplePickle · 17/07/2024 09:09

I don't think it's unreasonable of them to ask for a one off event

But equally if you already have plans that day which means you are unable to attend then they should also respect that - especially with 6 weeks notice in the middle of summer holidays

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 17/07/2024 09:11

I think it’s perfectly reasonable and to be truthful I would be quite excited at a night away, meeting new colleagues etc.

Tbskejue · 17/07/2024 09:12

I’ve said no to things at work that involve overnight stays as when I took the job it wasn’t on the basis that this was expected or in my contract; perfectly fine in my opinion and no one has questioned me on it

ricecrispiecakes · 17/07/2024 09:14

I don't think one night away is an unreasonable ask - it's not as if your baby is a newborn.

But equally if you're not happy with it and your contract doesn't say that overnights are part of the role, you wouldn't be unreasonable to turn it down.

CelesteCunningham · 17/07/2024 09:14

It's a very reasonable ask from them.

If they are the sort of organisation that prides themselves on being family friendly etc then you could explain about your DC and ask whether it's an essential trip, but I'd be wary of being sidelined if you're ambitious.

Go, enjoy getting a full night's sleep in a bed all by yourself!

Werweisswohin · 17/07/2024 09:15

I don't think it's unreasonable of them to ask tbh, especially if they've given decent. Is it your child you're concerned about ir yourself?

BeaRF75 · 17/07/2024 09:15

Perfectly reasonable. An employer would be unimpressed if you refuse to go, especially given that the child will no longer be a baby. . Change your mindset and enjoy the chance to have a night away in a hotel. Your husband and child will have fun at home, just the two of them.

Bakersdozens · 17/07/2024 09:15

Fine for them to ask

fine for you to say no.

omegahedron · 17/07/2024 09:16

Is it something that your specific role is needed for, or a general "away day"?

If the latter I'd have no problem saying no. If the former, could you eg bring DH and baby to stay overnight?

Either way it's not unreasonable of them to ask or for you to say it's not possible.

Lopine · 17/07/2024 09:17

Can you go for one of the days? I know it’s a long drive but at least it would show willing.

VestPantsandSocks · 17/07/2024 09:17

It will be diplomatic for you to attend.
It's one night, the child will be fine and you will be too!

Elephantsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/07/2024 09:17

You have some options apart from
go/don’t go.

Go for one day?
Take little one and DH/family/friend to look after them in the day?

InvestinITMN · 17/07/2024 09:18

perfectly reasonable

of the business that is

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 17/07/2024 09:18

Fine for them to ask. But fine for you to decline. You're breastfeeding so they need to make accommodations for that.

Would you be willing to do one of the days as a long day?

Or can you express milk (i never could), and someone else cosleep while you're away?

I have been in a similar situation for same reasons as you and refused. But agreed to travel on one of the days instead.

LeroyJenkinssss · 17/07/2024 09:19

What is in your contract - is there any mention of travel / overnight stays? Lots include this to cover themselves. If yes, you can ask but they may insist. Any chance DH and baby could join you if that’s the case?

mightymam · 17/07/2024 09:19

I'd make a weekend of it and take baby and your other half along too.

JFDIYOLO · 17/07/2024 09:19

Enjoy it! Focus on your new role, and to be honest, on you.

It's not like your DC's a baby. There are pumps and bottles and you haven't suggested your DH is unreliable or incompetent. He will have to take a day off to meet his parental responsibility. Has it all rather fallen on you so far?

I wonder if your horizons reduced a bit with pregnancy and BF and the thought of opening them up a bit more is scary?

Marblessolveeverything · 17/07/2024 09:20

I think realistically they had to ask otherwise they were risking being discriminate.

It is completely reasonable to say that doesn't work for me.

BarnacleBeasley · 17/07/2024 09:21

My employer has a caring fund for this sort of situation, so it would be able to pay extra expenses for you to bring your child and DH along. I know this isn't the case everywhere, but if it's a big company with family-friendly policies in place, it might have some provision. And if it doesn't, there's no harm in asking because otherwise they won't know there's demand for this kind of thing.

Meadowwild · 17/07/2024 09:21

I'd go. Your baby will survive the night. You will get sleep, and learn more about the company restructuring.

As PP have said, if you don't turn up, you may get sidelined in the future. It's just one night.

InvestinITMN · 17/07/2024 09:21

although given your other thread is about your dh “shouting” at your 4 month old baby… i wouldnt want to leave my baby overnight with him

or even for 5 minutes

HermioneWeasley · 17/07/2024 09:22

It’s perfectly reasonable of them to ask (and as another poster has pointed out, would be discrimination if they excluded you on the basis you’re a mum). You are back at work and so should be treated like any other employee.

whether it’s reasonable to decline/refuse depends on a few factors - if you a very junior, don’t really need to network or build relationships, don’t have a team to lead them you’re probably ok to decline. If not then I’d suggest you go. As others have said, it’s one night.

Totallyaddictedtobasss · 17/07/2024 09:22

It’s reasonable for them to ask. And it’s a one off.

It helps to meet new colleagues and you’ll feel more like a part of the company if you bonded with them face to face. You don’t seem like you’ve enjoyed the company takeover and perhaps this might help you feel more optimistic about your future there?

I doubt you’ll be the only parent going either.

I experienced the same last November (including the company takeover!). I was appalled they asked me and I was grumpy for a while but went along anyway. Mine was 250 miles away. I had the best time and I was absolutely gutted to miss the next event because I was on annual leave 😂

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2024 09:23

What if they didn't ask you? IT could be seen as discriminatory
I think you can refuse and state why but if you were able to go I think it would be better

Moonshiners · 17/07/2024 09:23

I quite often do around day trip to London and back that is slightly more than 200 miles.

I would do that instead.