AIBU to be refuse to attend overnight work event 200 miles away?

[Eseedeepee]

A few months back the company I work for was bought. The HQ of the new owners is nearly 200 miles away from my office and home. They are expecting me in 6 weeks to attend a 2 day (inc overnight stay) work event at their HQ. I have a 15 month old who I have never spent the night away from. I still BF and cosleep.

AIBU to say I cannot attend? I don’t know if I am being sensitive as I don’t want to leave baby (or if I did it would be on my terms, for a night away with DH!), but then again is it even reasonable for them to request this?

Would love to hear thoughts!

I dont think its unreasonable tbh. I have to travel for work a lot and its not ideal but if its in your contract for ocassional travel thrn you have to go really. Talk to hr and get a steer thoughz they might be accomodating for you though in my experience this would put a mark against your name sadly. I have just told my work i wont be travelling to the middle east for three weeks in every 4 for the next 2 years for an assignment as I have two young chikdren. As was suddenly requested of me and I am fully expecting retribution now and possiboy loss of job. Its a sad reality.

But as a working mother you have to work around that. Bf once you've gone back tu work is a CHOICE not a right.

Businesses shouldn't have to work around you.

That’s incorrect - breastfeeding mothers who return to work are entitled to a quiet place to express (or, I think, to feed their baby if a relative is bringing them in)

I breastfed too but at 15 months my babes were only on two breastfeeds a day and could manage with expressed breast milk or a drink of cows milk as if needed.

Its a reasonable ask they are making.

Actually it is a right.

This. You have an almost-toddler not a tiny baby. It's scary to get back out into the real world but that's what working mums do.

Actually it is a right.

Is it, beyond 26 weeks?

It’s not unreasonable to ask. But it won’t look good to refuse. Your child is not exclusive breast feeding at 18 months or they’d be quite malnourished. Let dad and baby bond and do this one off not far trip for the sake of your career and good relations with your boss.

Think business is being reasonable and it’s 6 weeks away and only one overnight stay.

Your child is 15 months, not a baby. Will he fine without you for two days.

But the law is that they do. So yes, it’s a right. Breastfeeding is covered under maternal protections, your employer doesn’t get to dictate when it stops.

Could you do a day trip for one of the days? I had a very similar situation and did a very long and exhausting day trip (London to Manchester) - work were very happy with this. my main reason was that pumping has never really worked for me and I was quite prone to getting mastitis, so really did need to get back to my boy.

Why can the child not stay with your husband? One night it reasonable

From the sounds of it, the main reason you are against it is because you are grumpy at the new owners, the 1.5yr old just adds extra problems. It appears very much like you would be against it even without the little one.

I would say, first of all, that it’s understandable to be annoyed at a change implemented by the new people who have swanned in and are introducing new things. Change is scary. Having to step up the timeline for your child is also frustrating, especially when it’s for something you don’t want to do. You are able to say no if you want to.

Having said that, whilst I understand why you are not happy, I do think it’s just an instinctual reaction to a big, scary, change and isn’t completely reasonable. It makes a lot of sense for the new company to want to get you all together and meet you all. Mainly to help dispel these feelings you currently have. Once everyone has got together and visited this mysterious far away HQ, you will have a much smaller feeling of ‘them and us’. Having to change plans for your little one because of a company decision isn’t ideal but it’s not insurmountable and you were happy to do it for a fun reason so you’re not entirely against the concept.

As I said above, you can say no if you want. It will mean that you continue to be grumpier towards this new company than your colleagues will be and that may cause resentment and cracks to appear between you and them. It also may disadvantage your career if decisions are made there that you are not part of. Realistically, it will have very little impact on your child if you start preparing now when it is still 6 weeks away. It may even be a slight positive as you’ll have a night or two away with just adult company again which will do you the world of good and your children and husband will have a different sort of bond after having a night alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of them to ask, they’ve given plenty of notice and it’s a one off and not expected as a weekly/month event… but if you don’t want to go then don’t go.

I feel a bit bad as I have a 16 month old and would jump at the chance of a night away alone in a hotel 🙈 can we job swap OP?!

I think you should go- it's one night and this is one of the times where I would feel obliged to go.

If you want to be taken seriously and get them to invest in your career I think you're a fool not to unless you can't (ie single parent)

I would decline especially as one of the days is a non working day for you. YANBU

Re the 'non working day' - attending special events, doing business travel etc on 'non working days' including weekends is surely entirely normal - but of course a decent employer should then give days in lieu.

I’ve also worked for a small company that was bought out by a larger corporate so I most definitely know how that feels when things change and sympathise. I also recognise that events like these are really important in the early days, you get to meet people face to face, make new contacts and learn more about their plans.

Only you can judge the implications of not going - maybe the company is so big now that nobody would even notice and maybe you won’t be the only one that does not go. However, if you want to stay at this company for a while then I would try to make it to some of the day to show that you are engaged in the new company and their plans.

Ignore people that provide that noise.
all of ours have co-slept and breastfed as long as they wanted and I wouldn’t change it for anyone - nothing is more important now than your kids.
my elder two have come on hen do’s (one with husband, one just the overnight) in order to still co-sleep/breastfeed.
My older two self weaned circa 16 months, my middle child still co sleeps with daddy, my youngest still breastfeeds at 2 and co sleeps with me.
ive found friends and work comes and goes over the year, so setting my kids up for the best is the only important thing to me anymore, I wouldn’t drop them for anyone or anything.

Whilst not an unreasonable request, it is reasonable for you to say no due to concern that your 15 month old will be distressed having never had a night away from you.

This is a perfect example of employers needing to have empathy and understanding that mothers returning to work after having a baby do not always have the same flexibility as previously whilst their children are still tiny. If they are a good employer they will understand and accept.

As a suggestion, I would offer to go for the day instead to show that you do want to participate in the team spirit but you would need to leave to be home for your child’s bedtime.