AIBU to be refuse to attend overnight work event 200 miles away?

[Eseedeepee]

A few months back the company I work for was bought. The HQ of the new owners is nearly 200 miles away from my office and home. They are expecting me in 6 weeks to attend a 2 day (inc overnight stay) work event at their HQ. I have a 15 month old who I have never spent the night away from. I still BF and cosleep.

AIBU to say I cannot attend? I don’t know if I am being sensitive as I don’t want to leave baby (or if I did it would be on my terms, for a night away with DH!), but then again is it even reasonable for them to request this?

Would love to hear thoughts!

Work often involve doing things we don't 'want' to.

If she really cannot do it, if she believes it would be really bad for her child, then she needs to tell her managers she won't be able to go, and accept whatever consequences that may entail. Maybe it'd be possible to loop her into presentations etc via zoom or whatever at least.

I would go.

I’m not concerned exactly, just not really ready for it. DH and I were planning on attending a wedding overnight end of September, so mentally I’ve been preparing for that e.g. night weaning a few weeks before that, and having DS doing bedtime with someone other than me. I think I just feel like I’m being rushed. And when other outsiders say you shouldn’t be BF, you shouldn’t cosleep, DS should STTN by now, this work event is just adding to that noise in my head.

It sounds like this is an important one off event. It’s the equivalent of London to Manchester (which many people do daily). If you can’t get there and back safely for the two days then spending the night would be preferable. If you were the sole carer for your dependant then I can see how it would be difficult, but your child has their other parent there. I don’t think it would be looked in favourably if you refuse to go at all.

Thank you
I don’t have a problem with a night away, but being so so far away, it’s just too much. With DS1 his first night away was at granny’s house, who lived around the corner at the time, so it was completely different.

im just not one of these people who wants to be away from my DC quite yet - sure I’m looking forward to the day that we’re all ready, but it doesn’t feel the time yet

I think it’s reasonable to ask. In fact I did something similar not long after returning to work with DC1, a 2-day meeting with an overnight stay over 2 hours away.

I was really worried about it as DC (also 15 months) was still BF to sleep/during night wakings and I ended up missing 2 bedtimes due to traffic on the way home. It worked out fine, I enjoyed the event and it was a good opportunity for me to break the BF to sleep cycle and alternate bedtimes with DH but appreciate you are not ready for this.

I would speak to your manager about it if you’re not comfortable and see whether it’s possible to perhaps attend part of the agenda/look at other options.

Agree its very reasonable if them to ask
While it's understandable you might not want to go honestly I think not going will probably mark you out in a negative way, given its a takeover by a new company, your first impression being one of the (presumably few) people to refuse isn't great.

15m is quite old to have never left your child - again entirely your choice but I think work will be much less understanding than if it was a much younger baby

I'm surprised lots of people have recommended taking baby and dh with you - this sounds like the worst of all possible options for multiple reasons.

firstly everywhere I've worked this would be considered deeply weird and possibly cause for concern that you are in a coercive relationship if you can't spend one night alone. Also if the company is paying for a hotel and travel expenses (even petrol refund) then there are often very strict rules about not having anyone else in the hotel room or car.

Also defeats the point because presumably they want you to spend the time getting to know your colleagues and the expectation is you'll have dinner together or at least a quick drink- rushing off to hang out with your husband in the hotel room would again be considered very odd and unsociable.

Plus surely if DH is working why would he want to take 2 days of annual leave to travel for ages in a car and then hang out alone in a hotel room for much of the day with a baby?

what would op and dh do after putting baby to sleep early evening? Sit silently in the hotel room in the dark for a few hours because they don't want to wake them up? Baby probably won't sleep well out of routine so you'll both sleep badly and then have to do another day of the work do and a long drive back. Why would you put a young child through 2 unnecessary long days of travel?

he’s great now, he really couldn’t handle those newborn ‘witching hours’, he’s learned now to instead (safely) walk away briefly during crying/ tantrums that he finds triggering

Maybe try to bring that forwards - 6 weeks is a fair bit of time - and see how it goes?

And when other outsiders say you shouldn’t be BF, you shouldn’t cosleep, DS should STTN by now....

Oh dear Lord, try to ignore these idiotic 'shoulds'. (Fwiw when I took my work trip - and the one a year later - I was still co-sleeping most of the night and DD was nowhere near sleeping the night through! DH and she coped fine... your model may vary!)

Of course they can ask - and you can say no. But do balance what you’ll miss out on in terms of networking, meeting others, learning etc. I’d go if I were you

I think you're being a bit feeble really.

Your child isn't a little baby anymore, there's no reason why dh can't cope overnight.

If you don't want to go then just own it and say you don't want to go.

If you do consider the work trip, I would definitely have a night away first - even if it is leave DC with your DH from eg 9pm and you head to gran's to sleep there, back for breakfast!

bloody hell i would be worried about ever leaving my 15 month old with someone who has to really work at not losing his shit with babies, and new borns at that

I just get laughed off/ shrugged off/ told it’s fine “calm down, he’s fine”.For more context he also tells 2yo DS to “stop being a wet wipe” when he’s crying.

no wonder you’re reluctant to leave two very young children with this person

I think it's a bit unreasonable to refuse to go purely because you are a mum, if you are in a role that requires a meeting or training you need to be willing to do it, i also think it's one of the reasons employers often discriminate against women. If you genuinely can't get childcare that is different, but simply not wanting to leave your dc with their father isn't enough of a reason

Yes I think you’re right. I think my issue is that I worked for previous owners for 7+ years and never once had to go anywhere in order to do my job. New owners come along, they know I have 2 young DC and minimal childcare support. There has been no renegotiated contract, no change to my role. Just seems wholly unnecessary. There are things they want me to do ‘their way’ and I need to travel 200 miles to learn how to do it. TBH I think I’m more annoyed by the changes being imposed on me and the way in which its happening. When it then means I’m away from DC before I’m ‘ready’ is a double whammy of being unhappy about it. I know I need to be open to change, just feel like this takes the piss a bit.

what size business is it op?

It was a very small independent business, now a very very large corporate business

whilst your at work… are your children at nursery?

so presumably many many parents having to do this?

But the facts of the matter are - all the staff in your company are being asked to go to the new HQ for a two day away day/bonding/training etc.

You are not contractually obliged to go, almost certainly.

But the HQ is where it is - it would have been gratuitous for the old bosses to have had an “away day” 200 miles away if everyone was local. This isn’t gratuitous.

I used to work for a company with an HQ in the north and several satellite offices, including London. So once a year, I had to go up to the hq for the away day and an overnight. DH minded the (young) kids, as their other parent.

OP I totally get it, I breastfed to natural term and coslept as well. Can your DH stay near where the event is? If you're in a hotel can you all stay in the room?

I think this is the best solution.

there’s also a toddler to consider
so the DH takes two days off work
they pay for a hotel room
the dh stays in it with a baby and toddler

or the just goes alone (not that i would in her shoes but that’s more of a husband issue than anything else)

On one of the 2 days yes they’re at nursery until 2pm, one of the days I need to be there is my usual day off (I work part time)

I suppose it depends if your job is "safe". If you are in any kind of role where they can ditch staff to save money and still keep the customers/revenue then I'd show up and make nice.