AIBU to be refuse to attend overnight work event 200 miles away?

[Eseedeepee]

A few months back the company I work for was bought. The HQ of the new owners is nearly 200 miles away from my office and home. They are expecting me in 6 weeks to attend a 2 day (inc overnight stay) work event at their HQ. I have a 15 month old who I have never spent the night away from. I still BF and cosleep.

AIBU to say I cannot attend? I don’t know if I am being sensitive as I don’t want to leave baby (or if I did it would be on my terms, for a night away with DH!), but then again is it even reasonable for them to request this?

Would love to hear thoughts!

Maybe this is your sign that you need to consider getting a little bit of your independence back? At some point you are going to have to be apart from your child overnight....you aren't going to be co-sleeping and breastfeeding for ever.

Certainly the BF part is easy if you can express.

Of course you can refuse to go, and I'm sure they'd accept your reasons, but I think missing things like this will ultimately be career-limiting.

What does your contract say? If there's no contractual obligation for you to attend then obviously you can say no and tell them that due to caring responsibilities you cannot attend.

However, DH has a job that requires overnights sometimes and A LOT of networking happens. There's always a meal or drinks and it's where connections are forged. Whilst they can't explicitly sideline you or hold you back as a punishment for non-attendance, you may find the result is the same in reality. I think it's really unfair because, as proven here, it indirectly discriminates against mothers and women in general who are more likely to have caring responsibilities than men. But you aren't going to change UK working culture on your own and unfortunately if you want to progress then you have to play the game until we can collectively change the rules.

Although I did miss my children a lot. One night alone with a bunch of colleagues and leadership made me feel so happy - the positive effects lasted for months!

I’m geographically lonely as the rest of my team are all dotted around 250 - 300 miles in all directions

This. I would have jumped at the chance for a night in a hotel when mine was that age (and also now) so I don’t quite get the reluctance, but if you never have to travel for your job I can see why it might be a bit jarring. It sounds like a one-off though.

I agree, it's perfectly reasonable and normal to have the occasional night away on business, they have given plenty of notice and although you could decline it is likely to be you that loses out as you become sidelined. Once you're back at work there are compromises to be made WRT family commitments.

YABU.

I think you either go and enjoy being an adult for a couple of days without having to think about mealtimes and nap times etc, or you ask if they'd pay for your DD and DH to come to the hotel too. They'd probably say no but is this an option you and DH can look into?

As an event, given they are new owners, I think it's a good thing for them to do, and probably sensible to attend if you can to get an idea of the lay of the land. If the event is at their HQ then it's not as though they are being unreasonable to pick that location. I agree with a PP that if they hadn't invited you, it could be discrimination.

That said, if you can't go, you can't go. Overnight stays, unless contracted, shouldn't be mandatory.

I do think though, that women ruling themselves out of this softer networking stuff is one of the ways that the gender pay gap is perpetuated.

It'll be good to leave a 15 month old with her DF for a night. Let them have some 1:1 time!

Yes,it's reasonable for them to ask. When my dd was 15 months I had to go to California for a week (but I wasn't BF by that point, we were lucky enough to have a good nanny and DH coped with the evenings and nights).

But I think it's reasonable for you to discuss it with them, see if it's truly necessary or if there's any adjustment possible eg your DH and baby come too. It's too far for a day trip unless it's more or less door to door fast train I think.

You said ' I don’t want to leave baby (or if I did it would be on my terms, for a night away with DH!)' ...if you'd be willing to leave your baby for a night away with your DH then I'm not sure it's reasonable to refuse to do so for work.

Reasonable to ask.

Also perfectly reasonable for you to say no imo, especially if overnights weren't part and parcel of the job when you accepted it. Plus the b/f.

@Eseedeepee

What is your husband's behaviour with the baby like now? Has he stopped shouting?

OP, you know what you and your baby are ready for. Trust that feeling.

I know lots of people would be fine to spend a night away but I wouldn’t have been when mine was 15 months and would have explained politely that I couldn’t attend.

Also, when you do your first night away from your baby you might prefer it to be under more flexible - and fun! - circumstances.

It's not unreasonable for them to ask but also not unreasonable for you to say no seeing as still BF/childcare could be tricky

Of course you can say no. They can't make you.

However if the business need is for people who are able to do things like this, they don't owe you permanent employment and there are legal ways for them to ease you out if your value to the company doesn't outweigh the inconvenience of your willingness to say no.

So it's impossible to say without knowing a hell of a lot more about the company and your role in it (which you don't have to post here).

First thing is check your contract. Most employees above a certain level have loose and fluffy wording allowing the company to require you to rake in additional duties and work in different places according to business need. If you have clauses like that then refusing to attend an event at company HQ could be viewed as a breach of contract.

When a company is bought by new owners the default status is that your existing Terms and Conditions from under the previous owner will still hold. These may be written in your contract or may be unwritten "custom and practice" (eg if it's always been normal to go home an hour early on a friday but that's not written down anywhere). The new employers can change these Ts&Cs but they have to hold a consultation first - that's where they say what the new Ts&Cs will be. So in this case they can say that new Ts&Cs include working at HQ occasionally. You can try to negotiate but they have every right to refuse, and your options are to accept the new Ts&Cs or resign.

So your employers need to decide whether having you as an employee is more important to them than having you attend events at HQ. And you need to decide whether being able to not have to go to events at HQ is more important to you than having this job. Either one of you will give in or you will part ways.

Have you got a 15 month old that you are breast feeding (sorry if writing it out in full upsets anyone)?

Could you pay for a second night and bring your dp and child with you.

I don't think it is unreasonable for them to ask and they have given you notice.

Completely reasonable of them to ask this and thry have gocen good notice.
Its a team bonding / company event.

Personally I would go but you can obviously say no - they obvs cant make you.

It may have no implications of your career, it may have some.... no one on here can know that though...

It's a perfectly reasonable request.

Mumsnet confuses me sometimes. I can’t believe the amount of people saying this is fine and you should go if you don’t want to.

it’s not unreasonable to ask, but the company should accept that you have commitments that mean you can’t stay over night. Are there option for getting the train there and back both days?

just because your baby will ‘survive’ doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable not to go.

It’s a reasonable request .

Is there any scope to volunteer to not go eg if there need to be a few people “manning the phones” locally? DH used to volunteer like this when the kids were young and it was a win win

I think the key thing is that this isn't a standard away day, team building, icebreakers, event. The OP's business has been taken over by a new company.

IME, at this point it's sensible to establish whether the plan seems to be 'expansion and new opportunities' or 'asset stripping and redundancies' and to start updating your CV accordingly, rather than being caught on the back foot.

it is reasonable of them to ask. Your reply will depend on how much you value your job and so on

But it would likely benefit the OP and how she feels about work in the future.

It’s a one off!