"Do you work"?

[ShiftLD]

I was a lawyer in my past life before kids and used to work from 8am to 8pm, some days more. Now, because of many circumstances, I'm at the moment taking care of the house and my husband is the one working long hours. That's our arrangement.

Nowadays I work even more hours than before and non-stop. Besides being the housekeeper, kids and hub PA, official buyer of anything needed, I admin a small Etsy store, our Ebay store for used items, manage ours savings...

I feel so humiliated when I don't have an answer to the question "Do you work?". What should I answer?

Look at why you feel so humilated. You're taking it as a loaded question when really they are probably just asking how you fill your time.

I have a small Etsy store?

Just reply yes. It's the truth after all 🤷‍♀️

Why do you feel humiliated?

A simple no I'm on a career break is sufficient

"Not at the moment. Got young kids at home".

Or "I work part time around the kids" if your etsy stuff is a few hours a week.

I think it's a more polite version of 'what do you do?' Its usually chitchat rather than anything more serious.

Agree with this, it's not meant as a slight or a judgement. My mum was a SAHM and she certainly worked hard but this question is clearly in relation to paid employment and she would have happily answered no.

If you don't feel comfortable saying no, then just answer "I'm a SAHM" without the yes or no.

"I used to work as a lawyer but I'm taking time out to raise my children".
I would not mention an Etsy store! Surely one day at work would earn more than you make through Etsy and eBay?

People can be VERY judgmental about not doing paid employment!

Just look at the comments and posts on here every day. People are low life scum unless they're in paid employment so of course it's worrying when people ask in rl.

Tell them you're a full time carer, because that's what you're doing right now

It's just a chat or a factual question for a form ticking exercise.
I would say stay at home mum/ housewife.
You don't have to justify your life choices to randoms. If they judge you then that's a reflection on their values and fears.
If yoy judge you then maybe you need to review what your values and priorities in life are. It's ok to change your mind and now see the value of being at home.

Why do you feel humiliated? You’re raising your kids.

Unless someone is a zoo keeper this is never going to be an interesting conversation!

But in all seriousness, why do you feel humiliated, it's such a strong word. What would you say / think about me if I were sahp? Treat yourself the same way x

“No, I’m lucky enough to be on an extended career break, thankfully!”

And then if that draws comment/query you can expand on the fact you enjoy running a few side hustles and managing family life, and don’t miss the hamster wheel of corporate life at all really. You can add that you’ve realised that life can be just as fulfilling without needing to make linear progression up a career path, and you’re glad that it works for your circumstances as DH has thrown himself into his career things have worked out very well all round.

"Yes, I just don't get paid for it."

Fgs dont lie and say you are a carer!! when the truth comes out you will be seen as so much worse for lying.

I’m in the same boat, when people ask me I say ‘I work in recruitment, but I’m at home at the moment with the children.’

It's just a conversation starter, just say no, I'm on a career break and take it from there.

Agree that's it more your own feelings around it than people actually judging.

I work full time and feel the same when people ask me this question as I feel immensely guilty about working full time when I have young children. I always feel that people are judging me for that decision when they most likely aren't.

I understand how you feel. I had a quite senior job, but I'm on long term sick at the moment and really struggling. I've had a couple of people say to me 'aren't you at work?' when I've met them in the corner shop and I feel embarrassed saying, 'No, I'm not well'.

I am genuinely poorly with a chronic condition, and it's unlikely I'll be able to return, but I do feel awkward about it, as though I'm workshy or failing in some way. I've always worked long hours before.

Even on here you are trying to justify not working. Being a sahm is fine. You don't need to justify it by saying you do the normal everyday stuff like selling old things on ebay.

I think you're just paranoid that you 'should' be working. Its nice you get to be a SAHP. Be glad. Its a privilege. As a lawyer you know what hard work looks like. You can afford to take time off and look after your dc.

Looking at your description of what you say you do with your day. Working parents do that AND their paid employment. If you want to cite ebaying and running an etsy store as work you can do but Id call etsy a hobby and ebaying a chore that busier people don't have time to do. I charity shop stuff.

If its getting your back up, consider going back PT. It will be more stress but a bit of a change from domestic drudgery. Then you can give up on etsy and ebaying. You'll still have to organise and care for your family though.

don’t say you’re “lucky enough” to not have to work. I don’t consider SAHMs lucky personally. And it’s a judgement, it suggests you think women who work would rather be at home but can’t afford not to be (not true in many cases). Just keep it neutral. seriously, if I was asking you this I’d just be interested in you and what you have to say. Not trying to catch you out.

Id just say i'm self employed

I think it sometimes depends on who's asking. If it is a member of the 'ladies who lunch' brigade who has never needed to work because their DH is a very high earner, they occasionally have a habit of looking down on people who have to work.

You also get the sort who think that a woman's place is in the home, and disapprove of 'career women'. I once had an elderly relative sneer "Oh, so you're a career girl are you?". Charmed, I'm sure.

Otherwise, most people don't seem to care one way or the other, and it is just a conversation-opener.

"Yes I run a (insert type here) business".

Why the humiliation?