"Do you work"?

[ShiftLD]

I was a lawyer in my past life before kids and used to work from 8am to 8pm, some days more. Now, because of many circumstances, I'm at the moment taking care of the house and my husband is the one working long hours. That's our arrangement.

Nowadays I work even more hours than before and non-stop. Besides being the housekeeper, kids and hub PA, official buyer of anything needed, I admin a small Etsy store, our Ebay store for used items, manage ours savings...

I feel so humiliated when I don't have an answer to the question "Do you work?". What should I answer?

@MsCamilla I have not tried to diminish anyone and there are no 'faux denials' either. Please don't infer meaning where there wasn't any. I was trying to empathise with the OP and show some things I enjoy about being at home. I literally just thought to myself, 'what do I like about it?' and wrote that. You are reading FAR more into it and accusing me of things that simply aren't true. I hope to return to work at some point and don't judge anyone for the choices they make.

I used to say "I'm looking after our child at the moment."

I thought you were going to shut up 😉

I used to be a lawyer too but now a SAHM. When people ask me if I work I just say no. Who cares?! I don't feel humiliated although I do kind of get it as saying 'I'm a lawyer' sounds more impressive than saying 'I don't work'. But if anyone judges me that's their problem. I'm happy with my choice and if you are too that's all that matters.

@MsCamilla 'Sorry I misinterpreted your post and accused you of something you didn't do' would have been a decent reply, but you had to go for sarcasm instead. Says everything really.

Agree with this

Yup, me too.

Am often surprised on here how many posters are unable to just make small talk with people without turning everything into a drama, or completely over analysing things.

It’s just a conversation opener and context is everything. If you’re at your husbands work Xmas do making small talk about finance / management consulting etc then I’d say “I’m a lawyer” but if you’re by a softplay and organising a meet up with somebody the answer is probably “no I’m free any day”.

Agreed.

Part of the art of conversation is listening to 'what is behind the question' - the tone, the body language, the context, etc.

Yes, full time

You don’t want to be confused with one of those “scroungers” that the media hold up as everything wrong with Britain.

Depends how much you earn from the Etsy store. If it's enough to have to complete a tax return, I would lead with being a small business owner.

Thanks for the reminder of the Motherland Anne backstory! Completely agree it was a punch to the gut about identity and judgement and status and our own complicity in it only makes it more powerful.

We are all status driven animals (Part chimp, part bonobo) and being at home with your kids often means you have a confusing multilayered social status and it can be hilarious and upsetting and weird at times.

Whether you are currently working or a SAHM, there are some really clear mum status markers. At our stupid and posh school they include - a blow dry, good makeup, artfully casual wardrobe, turning up at all the school stuff, being really into the extra curriculars, having insider knowledge of the next stage of tutors, secondary transfer etc. Plus the usual big houses, loads of pets etc. All very Amanda.

Work status markers for me typically include people having meetings that are arranged around things I need to know; listening politely to my contributions, people at events wanting to be introduced to me, and so on.

It feels quite dizzying sometimes making your way between the different worlds and knowing what to expect. True friends can be found in all places but status hierarchies can be bonkers.