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Original poster

"Do you work"?

137 replies

ShiftLD · 27/02/2024 14:21

I was a lawyer in my past life before kids and used to work from 8am to 8pm, some days more. Now, because of many circumstances, I'm at the moment taking care of the house and my husband is the one working long hours. That's our arrangement.

Nowadays I work even more hours than before and non-stop. Besides being the housekeeper, kids and hub PA, official buyer of anything needed, I admin a small Etsy store, our Ebay store for used items, manage ours savings...

I feel so humiliated when I don't have an answer to the question "Do you work?". What should I answer?

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 27/02/2024 20:59

I would be tempted to say you have a independent online shop selling artisanal bespoke sex toys, where people take a cast of their own vagina and or rectum and you fashion the toys using recycled beach foraged plastics.

I dare you Grin

VictoriaMum323 · 29/02/2024 23:21

‘’Not at the moment. I’m a lawyer but taking some time out’’ is fine

NewName24 · 01/03/2024 00:35

The fact you "feel humiliated" by a bit of general chit chat, and what is generally perceived as being a fairly neutral question that isn't going to offend anyone, says a LOT more about you, than the person asking.

Good to see you've taken that on board.

Tatonka · 01/03/2024 01:45

Reply with, "yes I work my arse off"

Monty27 · 01/03/2024 01:57

Never feel ashamed of your career choices. You're on a career break for your young family and I hope you enjoy it.

You're hardly a lady what lunches. Good luck to you @ShiftLD . That's not easy, that sounds difficult 😳

ShrubRose · 01/03/2024 02:13

If it's someone you might see again, just say you're taking time off from your legal career to raise your family. If they don't like it, it's their problem.
If it's someone, say sitting next to you on an airplane, you could tell them you're a Family Executive Assistant!
I know someone with an advanced degree who actually does this - she works for a wealthy family with several homes. She coordinates the schedules for the family members (and the dogs) and manages all kinds of household arrangements, dawn to dusk. It's what you are doing, except you're doing it for your own family!

shearwater2 · 01/03/2024 03:03

I think it sometimes depends on who's asking. If it is a member of the 'ladies who lunch' brigade who has never needed to work because their DH is a very high earner, they occasionally have a habit of looking down on people who have to work.

This. I actually get quite cross (internally anyway) about "do you work" as the main earner for most of my career, as if my job should be little, secondary, or just something to get me out of the house for a bit.

As to the "Oh you're a career girl!" I had that a lot when DDs were young, and used to reply "Well, I think it's nice to be able to pay the mortgage and bills."

A variation I had the other day was "Are you still working?"

Christ, I'm 48. I should think so, don't you?

fridaynight1 · 01/03/2024 03:06

I never, ever explain why I don't work.

If anyone asks what I do, I tilt my head sideways and say 'as little as possible'.

shearwater2 · 01/03/2024 03:07

When I was at home with the kids for a few years, I found this answer much more generally accepted than the fact of my working while being mum to young children. And I had DDs in the mid to late 00s, it wasn't very long ago.

shoppingshamed · 01/03/2024 03:11

Why would being at SAHM be humiliating, did you look done on them when you had a paid job?

Nazzywish · 01/03/2024 03:28

It's your own feeling being projected into that question OP. Your post resonated with me as I felt exactly the same.

You've studied hard, worked hard and feel like you should have a title/position to 'show' for it. Just because your on a break doesn't take that all away from you or it being party of your identity. Just view this period also as 'adding' to your identity as a sahm. It took me a while to feel fully confident in letting people know I was on a break and fully happy with that choice when they asked this very question. Prior to that id felt everyone around me was achieving career wise and I was stagnant but looking back it was the best thing for ME.

whiteroseredrose · 01/03/2024 07:10

Surely the answer to 'do you work?' Is yes. Otherwise we are saying that nannies don't work.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/03/2024 07:18

whiteroseredrose · 01/03/2024 07:10

Surely the answer to 'do you work?' Is yes. Otherwise we are saying that nannies don't work.

Say what you like, but personally I don't think looking after your own kids is at all like being a nanny.

Looking after your own kids is way easier than looking after other people's. And as a SAHP, you don't have a boss so you don't have to deliver against anybody else's expectations.

ColleenDonaghy · 01/03/2024 07:33

Needmorelego · 27/02/2024 17:30

"Do you work?"
"Oh yes. I'm busy busy all the time"
🙂

The answers like this come across as very chippy. Everyone knows that raising children and running a household are work, and hard work at that, but if someone asks if I work I answer about the housework or childcare I do.

Answers like the above make it seem like you're looking for a real life MN-style WOHM Vs SAHM debate. Just say you're a lawyer but currently a SAHM. No one will judge for a second (or if they do that's an automatic asshole test and you know to avoid).

daffodilandtulip · 01/03/2024 07:38

I work 50 hours a week as a childminder and I'm also a full time single parent. I am so sick of everyone asking me if I'm going back to work, because obviously I sit around at home doing nothing all day.

TomeTome · 01/03/2024 07:44

Just say “no” and if they’re totally thick they’ll think you do nothing.

Hisnamewaslunchbucket · 01/03/2024 08:00

I wouldn't give this a second thought.

"I'm a lawyer. At the moment I'm taking a break to raise my children."

Or something to that effect. People aren't saying it to judge, they're trying to strike up a conversation. Talking to a lawyer will be interesting and just because you aren't actively practicing now, you don't stop being interesting to talk to.

Women don't suddenly stop being whatever their profession is because they're on mat leave (however extended it may be)

If you really have a dislike for the question then throw in what else you do. "I'm a lawyer and I go paddle boarding at the weekends" or whatever. People are just looking for a hook to hang their conversational coat on. Don't worry about it.

Sweetheart7 · 01/03/2024 08:07

Do you miss being a lawyer? I suspect this is your own insecurity and it's hard to say weather people are being rude to you or not.

Just say you've had an excellent career working as a lawyer however you have chosen to look after the children at the moment! Nothing wrong with housewife title but you are not that OP.

Sweetheart7 · 01/03/2024 08:11

whiteroseredrose · 01/03/2024 07:10

Surely the answer to 'do you work?' Is yes. Otherwise we are saying that nannies don't work.

OP is not a nanny, nannies are hired. Mothers are not nannies to their own kids. We are mothers to our kids no need to lie.

Answers and thoughts like this aren't very good. Why dress it up? Your making it bigger than it needs to be.

shoppingshamed · 01/03/2024 08:12

daffodilandtulip · 01/03/2024 07:38

I work 50 hours a week as a childminder and I'm also a full time single parent. I am so sick of everyone asking me if I'm going back to work, because obviously I sit around at home doing nothing all day.

Why are they asking if you're going back to work when you have a job as a childminder?

Why isn't the answer yes, I'm a childminder?

theduchessofspork · 01/03/2024 08:14

onemoremile · 27/02/2024 14:25

I think it's a more polite version of 'what do you do?' Its usually chitchat rather than anything more serious.

I’d agree, though it could be better phrased.

I’d just say yeah, looking after the kids plus I have an Etsy store. (You could add, in a couple years I’ll go back to law, if you want.)

Zwicky · 01/03/2024 08:15

I would say “not at the moment, I’m taking some time out while the kids are small.” And, depending on who is asking add “I was a layer” and maybe say something about that if appropriate and “I/we have an online retail business.” And say something about that.

I would absolutely not say anything about normal housework and childcare being my “work”. That isn’t what they are asking. Everyone knows running a house and raising children is “work” but it is also life and they already know you do that.

I had a “proper” professional career and I stopped working when I had dc1. By the time dc 4 was nursery age we’d moved to a different area of the country, my qualifications were out of date, my experience wasn’t relevant, I didn’t have any industry contacts etc and I didn’t really know how to get back. I was bored at home (my social life was very much with “mum friends” who one by one went back to full time work). Tbh I did feel “humiliated”. Nobody made me feel like that but it is how I felt. My whole pre kids life I’d had it ingrained that girls can do both “everything” and “it all” and I found myself doing, well, not much. I had used my profession as a way of getting across that I wasn’t “just a mum”, that I was educated and, frankly, clever. I was proud of my achievements and my male dominated STEM career and the realisation that all that was almost a decade behind me was difficult. There is a bit in motherland where they are talking about work and Amanda says “Anne used to work in Greggs, didn’t you Anne” and Anne fumbles a reply that she actually has never worked in Greggs and turns to the others and says something like “I was head of European development at GlaxoSmithKline” and Amanda says “are you sure, I don’t see you working in an office, I see you handling puffs”. And that was my fear. I saw myself in one way, but everyone else saw me as a person I didn’t really recognise. It’s snobbery and apparently I’m a snob, but it’s tied up with so much baggage about identity and self worth and all those childhood aspirations that girls often end up with about being free from the patriarchy because we will somehow be magically different from our own mothers. My decision to stay at home was entirely sensible. It worked for out family, I had a great time, made fabulous friends, it was good for me, my dh and my dcs and I had to remind myself of that. It was a really happy period of my life, as was my former career, as was my retraining and as is my new career. My pension isn’t thrilled about but overall, it was right for us. I can guarantee that not one person who met me during my sahp phase thought anything of it at all, my feelings about it were all internal. If you are happy doing what you are doing and it is working for the people who matter then you have no need at all to have any negative feelings about it, especially related to other peoples opinion. If you aren’t happy about it, then work towards changing that, decide where you want to end up and how to get there.

NonoLePetitRobot · 01/03/2024 08:20

Surely you can say 'I have a couple of online shops that I run part time while looking after my children'?

daffodilandtulip · 01/03/2024 08:26

@shoppingshamed exactly. It's annoying. I used to be a nurse, which is clearly a "proper job".

I can see OPs point about how rude people are. If even saying "I'm a childminder" doesn't count, then saying you're a SAHM is worse (to "people", not me).

TomeTome · 01/03/2024 08:31

I’d never say I was a lawyer or I’m taking a career break there’s a deep underlying message in that. People are asking what you are EMPLOYED to do not for your CV. They want to pop you in a box and file you based on your “status” as they see it. Personally I don’t think you need to help them do that. You don’t have to be arsey about it but I wouldn’t give it too much headspace.