KIT meeting was horrible and now I don't want to go back to work :(

[NightandViolets]

I posted recently about missing out on a job at second round interview and being gutted about it. My mat leave is ending soon and I was really keen to find something more local and less pressurised, especially as things have really changed at work recently and I don't feel valued in the way I used to be. But with missing out on this job I've accepted I probably need to go back and keep my ear to the ground for future opps.

I had a KIT meeting last week as I've asked to reduce my hours when I go back. The last meeting was cancelled as I've been very ill recently, so it's been a while.

I'm probably feeling pretty fragile atm but it was so horrible I just don't know where I stand. Everything that I suggested to make my life easier when I go back (eg working from home a little more as I ease in) was just shut down immediately and I was made to feel bad for even asking. My manager kept bringing up her own kids and saying that I shouldn't get any special treatment, and I just didn't know what to say. I asked what we could have in place to make sure that if I reduce hours my work reduces accordingly and I don't get contacted on days off unless urgent, but instead of being supportive they jsut said it was my choice to ask for flexibility, so I've got no confidence that I won't just go back to the same workload and stress levels of before and get paid a lot less for the privilege.

By the end of the meeting I was exhausted and just so shocked at how I'd been spoken to. I hadn't been rude or pushy at any point but they just weren't on the same page as me at all. I don't know where I stand and will keep looking at other jobs but I need to be realistic that I probably need to go back. How do I recover from this?

Firstly, going back to work is hard. So it’s ok to feel all over the place about it.

Second your manager sounds a bit crap. It’s a job, you do it because you need the money not because you have some great loyalty to your manager, do NOT feel bad for asking for flexible working! You want to do well in your job which helps the company. You have the experience so they should want to keep you. You are worth keeping so don’t worry if they don’t like you asking for what seem like reasonable adjustments as you transition back.

What kind of work do you do? Is it able to be done from home with the same efficiency and efficacy as the office, or would there be a team/workload impact if you were to WFH more?

if your work is more deadline focussed than task focussed, is it a possibility to push out deadlines to reduce pressure? That may help with easing you in.

From my experience as a manager and KIT days, there is a natural anxiety on both parties; the returning employee who wants to feel reassured that their role is broadly the same as it was, and that (all things being relative) they can slot back in and the manager who has probably moved the team on since the start of maternity leave (promotions, leavers, reassignment of duties) and therefore needs to gauge how to merge the two expectations together.

You say that they weren’t on the same page as you, and that’s probably a valuable insight into where to go from here. Your manager sounds like they failed to prepare for this KIT day and didn’t anticipate that you may be requesting these types of accommodations. Absolutely nothing wrong with the things you asked for - just to clarify.

finally, depending on how you feel and your own knowledge of the company and your manager, it might be a good idea to reframe some of your requests and make them more ‘business attractive’. You say you asked to wfh more to ease in; as a manager I would find that request a bit too vague (although you might just be summarising a much more lengthy convo). I would be much clearer if the request for me to approve said ‘I propose to work from home every Weds and Thursday for the first 8 weeks of my return. This will aid my transition back to full time hours, allowing for self-study of new/amended work policies and reduces the likelihood of fatigue and subsequent illness). After 8 weeks, I propose that myself and my manager review this arrangement’.

Thank you. Working from home from time to time isn't really an issue for the role. Reducing my hours does have a team impact but I let them know it was what I would be hoping to do before I even went on mat leave - they're looking at ways we can make it work but I feel like they're making me feel really bad for asking!

I was a bit clearer in the discussion itself about when I'd be looking to WFH and for how long, but they were very 'computer says no' about as it doesn't fit with their policy. What I'm asking for is minimal ie a couple of extra days a month working from home. They told me to put it in my formal written request - I will do but frankly given that they shut it down immediately and refused to discuss further I don't think it will be a yes or even a compromise.

Some good points here. I would also say looks up the flexible working policy and put the requests formally in writing so that the manager has to formally reply in a considered way.

I would mention why working form home might allow you to ease in better in terms of fewer distractions and making it easier to concentrate on certain tasks.

If you've already gone through this process send an email asking her to summarise the return to work plan including what will be in place to protect your none working time. Such as do you have a work mobile that can be switched off. But a lot will be you setting an out of office on your emails and not checking emails outside of work time.

If you're struggling I would speak to HR and say this is about HR supporting both you and manager through the change.

Everything that I suggested to make my life easier when I go back

I think this is the problem - you have made it about you and making your life easier. Not about the fact you are an employee for a business with colleagues. Having children - and I'm a single parent of 3 under 6 - doesn't entitle you to special adjustments and perhaps you came across a bit entitled in the meeting - especially when clearly there are other colleagues with children who have just got on with it?

Totally understand why you feel bad for asking - in your head and your immediate managers head, it’s been framed as ‘special treatment’. You have to keep reinforcing that it’s not special treatment - you’re requesting a business accommodation. It might help to take some of the emotion (and the associated anxiety) out of it.

If your request is turned down, the best response you can give is ‘what accommodation will the business support?’. You can naturally ask this ahead of turning in your formal request - again, it means you’re not levelling frustration or emotion at your manager and it could prevent your manager viewing this as ‘special’ and more just, something reasonable that has minimal but manageable impact on the team/role/business. It’s probably the easiest way to find a compromise that works for everyone

Fair point but many businesses have policies these days about supporting colleagues when they come back from
mat leave. And I did frame it around helping me to get up to speed with things quickly without getting overwhelmed, which helps the business. I think it’s progressive when companies do try and help parents returning to work - not special treatment as such but recognising that it’s hard after up to a year off and it helps from both sides to ease that transition.

Everyone is entitled to submit a flexible working request. It feels like poor management at best and indirect indiscrimination at worst to be dismissing a request out of hand because an employee benefits from a flexible working request.

Surely the only reason anyone submits an agile working request is because it makes their lives easier? Not sure where (apart from projection) it comes across s the OP being entitled.

Realistically they don't have to give you flexible working. It does sound a bit like you have told them how and when you want to work with no consideration for how that works for the business or the rest of the team and are presuming the will agree to that.

What suggestions have you put forward for how parts of your work could be covered other than by you?

I kinda get her point about not having special treatment because you have children. I think what she said sounds okay but her delivery wasn’t the most sympathetic.

This line jumped out at me a bit too, I have to admit.

If they’ve asked you to fill out formal flexible working request (standard in my firm) then write how it can help this business as well as yourself. It does have to work both ways.

This

That’s really not the whole story, they also will know how many other employees asked for it, the implications of if every team member asked for a couple of days from home, how to manage productivity etc.

when this isn’t a disability related request then the business needs to look at the overall strategy for the team.

I haven’t demanded anything though. When I asked about wfh a little more I was asking them if they felt that might be possible, with a view to me putting that in a formal request, but it was shut down straight away. I’ve made suggestions about how things can work and fed in my thoughts on their ideas too - it had been very much a two way thing but something has changed.

But she could make a flexible working request too if she wanted to? We all have the right to, so I feel like she was trying to make me feel bad. Not that it should influence things but I have also been there several years longer and they did know I was keen to look at flexibility after second baby.

Op, they likely have had other requests, potentially issues after covid, and they, as said, in this instance, won’t look at you as an individual, as this is just to make your life easier, but they will look at the whole team. They may have declined other requests, even multiples, so there is likely a reason they shut it down.

There has to be a business need to agree to flexible working (as opposed to a reasonable adjustment for a disability). I had a member of staff want to work compressed hours so she could take July and August off. There was absolutely no way this works work for the team as a whole in terms of covering her work when she wasn't there, and we have no need for people to be at work at 7am or finishing after 7pm which is what she wanted. It would have also meant her taking all her holiday allowance over 10 months which also had resourcing issues. We could have looked at term time working as a job share but she didn't want the associated drop in salary. I explained all this to her informally because you can only make 1 formal request in 12 months. She didn't listen and put in a request for having July and August off with compressed hours the rest of the time, and full holiday over 10 months. All her supporting evidence related to her childcare issues and no discussion of business need. We had to turn it down and she was furious. It sounds like your manager may have been trying to have that type of conversation with you but did it very badly.

You sound so reluctant to work. Do you muster up a bit more enthusiasm for interviews for new jobs?

That’s what I took from it too. It felt to me like going back because she had to, but would give anything not to. I think it would be hard to hide that reluctance at the meeting.

This sounds crap. In reality life does change after having children and ignoring this makes it harder for people, and by people I mostly mean women, to work in a way that supports employer and employee. It would benefit both in this situation to find a compromise that suits both parties, but this has been shut down.

My point was there is nothing entitled about the OP putting in the request. Of course the business are free to reject it if it isn't workable for them, but why frame it as entitled for the OP to even ask?

I’m a manager myself and can completely agree why you turned down that request and how frustrating it must have been. But I don’t think what I’m asking for is comparable, it’s a short term request for a few more wfh days while baby settles in childcare. I’d be in on the days that my team are so wouldn’t miss time with them. So this isn’t so much going against business need, more that they aren’t prepared to revisit policy for people returning to work.

Like many parents I’d rather not return so soon, so I don’t think that makes me unusual or makes it wrong for me to explore flexibility now circumstances have changed?

Gently, do think that you came across rather negatively (you said yourself your heart isn't in it).

Have they agreed to reduce your hours? Is WFH part of the contract for everyone? If you were asking to do proportionally the same as everyone else from home based on your full time equivalent hours then they are being unfair. But if you want to do more at home than everyone else, well you are probably not the only one with a child.

Are there any positives in terms of what you have agreed with them? I can see why complaining about work load before you've even started on being contacted when no one has done it might not be a great look.

Doing a disproportionate amount of work on part time hours is often the norm. That said, when you are part time you power through it slot quicker especially when you miss the slack parts of the week like Monday morning catch ups and Friday afternoons. You just do your job and leave.

I think you need to remind them how good you are and raise these issues as they arise, rather than giving them the impression you won't manage and are not committed to your job.

But I don’t think what I’m asking for is comparable, it’s a short term request for a few more wfh days while baby settles in childcare

but this should be done prior to maternity leave ending, and when you put the request in did you say it’s for the first month only?

also is the team you manage in the office, do they work from home?