KIT meeting was horrible and now I don't want to go back to work :(

[NightandViolets]

I posted recently about missing out on a job at second round interview and being gutted about it. My mat leave is ending soon and I was really keen to find something more local and less pressurised, especially as things have really changed at work recently and I don't feel valued in the way I used to be. But with missing out on this job I've accepted I probably need to go back and keep my ear to the ground for future opps.

I had a KIT meeting last week as I've asked to reduce my hours when I go back. The last meeting was cancelled as I've been very ill recently, so it's been a while.

I'm probably feeling pretty fragile atm but it was so horrible I just don't know where I stand. Everything that I suggested to make my life easier when I go back (eg working from home a little more as I ease in) was just shut down immediately and I was made to feel bad for even asking. My manager kept bringing up her own kids and saying that I shouldn't get any special treatment, and I just didn't know what to say. I asked what we could have in place to make sure that if I reduce hours my work reduces accordingly and I don't get contacted on days off unless urgent, but instead of being supportive they jsut said it was my choice to ask for flexibility, so I've got no confidence that I won't just go back to the same workload and stress levels of before and get paid a lot less for the privilege.

By the end of the meeting I was exhausted and just so shocked at how I'd been spoken to. I hadn't been rude or pushy at any point but they just weren't on the same page as me at all. I don't know where I stand and will keep looking at other jobs but I need to be realistic that I probably need to go back. How do I recover from this?

My organisation is reluctant to agree to WFH straight after maternity because we've had a few instances of people using it in place of childcare.

Organisations can't just discriminate against women because they feel like it though, even if some people mangle their childcare arrangements.

But why do you need it for a couple of months? If just to settle baby into nursery, surely a couple of weeks will be enough?

Agreed - I’m genuinely surprised at the amount of posters that focussed on ‘I had to cope/I didn’t get this so neither should you’ and decided she wasn’t displaying the required level of enthusiasm…

It’s clear the OP is demoralised, it sounds like it was this way before maternity leave. Asking a reasonable question about a phased return to the office should be considered fairly and deliberately by her manager/employer and not just shut down.

As you said, employers should try to retain their talent and make their working environment attractive. Pay is one way, but other things like increased working from home or flexibility on working hours is not a huge request, especially as it is temporary.

Maybe look around for somewhere else that is more flexible! Has your line manager changed then and the new person isn’t so amenable to you wfh?

I wonder if the reasons they are shutting down the increased WFH idea are (a) If it works, you would ask for it to be a permanent arrangement and (b) Others always ask / complain if they think some people have negotiated a better deal.

Yes that’s right

Baby will have had some settling in sessions before I go back but probably not full days. I asked for it to be a short term thing for first couple of months
Not looking to not work while baby is settling in, would just feel more comfortable not to be two hours away in case of any issues in the early stages.

this is the issue, you need to get her settled in before you go back to work, then you’re not two hours away. It’s something you need to do on your time, not theirs. I’m sorry.

Do you think maybe your desire not to go back is what’s maybe driving some of your feelings?

I am guessing you’re only going back as you need the money , do you maybe resent that? It is fully understandable if you do. But it’s important to recognise it and try to understand their side too.

id also say, if you’re not due back till the autumn six months is a long time, and you may feel very differently by then

This. No wonder your line manager wasn’t impressed, I wouldn’t be either.

I think the fact you WFH in pregnancy is relevant here as well, I wonder how many months you did the specified hybrid working after lockdown and before you were pregnant ?

You might have a better response if you lead with that - demonstrate you're still enthusiastic, positive and hard working.

I think WFH is getting a bit stale, what it generally means is you don’t have to leave the house, no getting ready, sometimes not having to find childcare, doing the washing, sitting in the garden for coffee, etc etc and I think a lot of places are getting fed up with it. Work is work, it’s not about what’s easier for you, they’re running a business not a charity!

hopefully there is someone in the Wellbeing Dept who can help

In my company, there’s been a long push to since covid ensure that everyone can have wfh access, whereas before it was just parents (just mothers, really).

It’s worked well, but twice recently we have mothers returning from mat leave requesting to work 4 days from home instead of the now standard two that everyone else has, because they have had children. It’s not been approved in either case.

It has to be workable for the company, and has to be fair to all employees.

Oh dear @NightandViolets , this is similar to conversations I was having with my old place of work… 14 years ago when I was looking to return after Mat leave with DD. Your company appears not to have moved with the times. I got a solicitor in the end.

@AvonCallingBarksdale - what did the solicitor advise? Did it change anything for you or just cost you money?

I would put an official request in writing and copy HR.

Check out what your organisation official policy is on flexible working and use it to word your request.

I would suggest stating that you would like to go part-time or to have a job share.

Frankly I am sick of seeing on these threads so many women immediately jumping to criticise anyone who wants to request flexible/part time working.

You would think we have moved on from this dinosaur mindset.

In the end employers end up losing good employees because they are not even willing to consider such requests. Then they probably complain they can't find/retain staff...

@febrezeme
Everything that I suggested to make my life easier when I go back
I think this is the problem - you have made it about you and making your life easier. Not about the fact you are an employee for a business with colleagues. Having children - and I'm a single parent of 3 under 6 - doesn't entitle you to special adjustments and perhaps you came across a bit entitled in the meeting - especially when clearly there are other colleagues with children who have just got on with it?

This is truly pathetic.

No one should be called ''entitled'' for requesting flexible working arrangement to balance work and family life. Because you are happy to work full time although you have 3 young kids does not mean that everyone has to follow the same pattern or that it gives you the right to judge other women for making other choices.

As long as women fail to support each other and their choices we will continue to have barriers to them thriving in the workplace.

I do feel like im being discouraged from coming back unfortunately- this is the latest in a long line of things that has made me feel this way.

What are the other things that have led you to feeling this way? Because on the surface of it, nothing sounds totally out of order in the conversation about return to work - you discussed it, they said put it in the formal request. That’s the usual process, really.

So you sound slightly over-anxious to me about your return to work - why are you anticipating problems with getting back up to speed and baby settling in at nursery? Do you have a DP, baby’s father on the scene? If so, he should be prepared to be flexing his work to deal with nursery settling etc so you can focus on your return to work.

Op has other threads on returning work to work, they’re very anxious too.

Not looking to not work while baby is settling in, would just feel more comfortable not to be two hours away in case of any issues in the early stages.

You have a two hour commute to work? No wonder you want to work from home! Four hours daily commute is a lot. Hars off to you fir doing it so long. I'd definitely be looking at something closer to home because that on top of kids is exhausting.

I had a KIT meeting last week as I've asked to reduce my hours when I go back was this a KIT meeting or a meeting about your flexible working request?

If anything I'd be expecting you in the office more than required so you can get up to speed more easily.

@MillieMollieMandy1 she got me a payout - not huge and less than if I had been made redundant, but I knew that we were never going to agree terms of return and “fortunately” for me, there were a few paper trails showing that I was being treated unfairly. They also suggested I apply for a more junior role which would have been easier (for them) to manage hours-wise, which I refused to do.
My old work had to pay the solicitor’s fees.
This was 14 years ago. Not sure what current practices are re returning parents.

I think asking if you can use your leave to shorten the first couple of weeks back might help?

Wfh is not getting stale, plenty places embrace it. Who is going to commute 2 hours per day when the work can be done at home! No brainer.

Yes probably, but my job has always been massively stressful and although i like aspects of it I’ve been trying to get out for a while in between trying to have a baby. Me asking for flexibility is the only way I think it could be manageable going back