Said something 'offensive' about sex/gender at work, meeting on Wednesday. Hand hold and advice needed.

[Grubble]

I've NC and I'm going to change some minor details to avoid outing.

I hope this is the right place to post - I'm after help about the work/employment issues I'm facing, rather than anything to do with the sex/gender debate.

Here goes:
I do MMA and am 'senior level'. The gym I train at is mostly men. Men and women don't spar together. There are only two other 'senior' women at my gym that I can spar with. If we find a class that two of us will be at, we'll both agree to definitely get to that class so we get chance to spar.

Last week, I declined an evening event at work because I'd booked a sparring session with one of these women.

A colleague asked me why I wasn't going to the event. I explained. As I was explaining I said "Obviously men and women don't spar with each other so when there's a chance for me to spar with one of the senior women, I take it".

A couple of other colleagues were standing around and heard the conversation. One of them said "Why obviously?" and I answered - men are bigger, men are heavier, men's bodies are shaped/composed differently, there's lots of holding/grabbing, men can't fully throw themselves into sparring with women so its a bit of a waste of time for them, and ultimately its just gym policy anyway.

Today I've received an email from HR asking me to attend a meeting on Wednesday about 'offensive comments' I made last week. I've followed HR up this morning and they've told me that my 'offensive comments' were about my explanation of men/women not sparring with each other.

The lady in HR said its likely to be a informal chat to identify why my comments were offensive and to 'find a way through' (her exact words). She said it didn't look like there'd be any question of formal disciplinary action.

So, basically I've been summoned to a bollocking.

I've worked here 9 years and have an impeccable record. I've never been told off or had any sort of HR intervention before. So I'm not sure what to do or what to expect. I'm not in a union.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on the situation. What should I expect on Wednesday? How should I handle it? I'm completely clueless. Thank you!

TLDR: Been summoned for a bollocking on Wednesday because I told colleagues why men/women don't spar together at my MMA gym. What should I do?

@pickledandpuzzled Yep, that's absolutely my plan. I'll be very defiantly refusing to talk about anything non-work related in future, and be clear why.

Glad it's over for you.

However HR had no right to involve you in any way regarding the complainer's faux concerns. HR could have told him to fuck off and mind his own business, in HR parlance of course. Furious for you.

@BlueHeelers I'm off on leave from this afternoon but if I wasn't, I'd have gone off on stress sickness absence for a while.
Yep, he's awful. I didn't know the full extent. I knew he was a bit of a Twitter loud-mouth gobshite but I had no idea he'd had HR involved with colleagues. Horrible. I agree, huge waste of time and money pandering to his pet projects/peeves. Twat.

Well done!

Enjoy your time off, you deserve it! 😁

Crikey. Public sector HR sounds terrifying. Hooe evrrything works out well OP - you merely explained the rules of your hobby ffs. Nothing offensive at all! X

I made the point at the end of the meeting that the email and the call with the lady on Monday had put me under huge stress unnecessarily because of the tone which made the situation seem a lot bigger than it actually is. Not to mention the original complaint itself. I also said that I was very unhappy that I’d had to have that stress because of a conversation about what I do in my free time and another organisation’s policy on those free-time activities. Thanks @Teapot13 for that, really good point. I'm not going down the grievance route.

Make sure you include this in your email summary of the meeting. If it’s a pattern of bullying from your colleague this point needs making.

I absolutely will do 🙂

What is the sex of the other people he is complaining about?

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe
Oh my, what could you possibly be implying?! 🤐

The person with the on-going HR mediation is female.

The person he accused of racism is male.

The person he got HR to 'have a word with' is female.

Interestingly, the male he accused of racism isn't well-liked at work. He's a PITA. He absolutely didn't deserve to be accused of racism but he won't have had many friends or supporters rushing to his defense or aid. He was an easy target is what I''m trying to say.

OP, I'm pleased all's well that ends well. Enjoy your break and relax. x

Great result. The guy sounds like a nightmare

This country and the US are being weakened from the inside out.
China, Russia, Malaysia Saudi Arabia etc are training their population hard, building up their economies while we waste our time trying to figure out whether a man is stronger than a woman and other "nonsenses". If we don't change direction we'll be begging them for fuel, food and goods in a couple of decades.

@Grubble really glad HR dealt with this sensibly.

Given the additional background info, HR would want to make sure they dealt with the complaint correctly. A litigious employee will use any excuse to rope in as many parties as possible with £££ being their aim.

Under GDPR, HR could not tell you the name of the complainant at this stage.

A follow up email is sensible.

For other posters who judged HR what would you have done? Dismissed the complainant who then raises a grievance against HR for not following the process?

hes the one that actually sounds like a bully-stay away from hm like others have said say you cant discuss anything incase it offends someone

Thanks for updating us @Grubble I've been following with open mouthed amazement at this but had no additional advice to what lots of other brilliant posters had provided. Pleased you're ok and enjoy your upcoming annual leave!!

I'd not really thought of it on a global scale. My approach is more local:

The divide between rich and poor is getting worse, life expectancy is dropping for the poorest, housing is abysmal, millions are using food banks etc. etc. Turning attention to whether men can be women or whether men are stronger than women or what even is a man or woman is a pretty convenient diversion from noticing, and doing anything about, the ridiculous injustice between the 'haves' and 'have nots'. That's just my take

@BlueHeelers HR are doing something. They are following the process and letting him dig a massive hole for himself. Once he reaches a tipping point HR can then lawfully take appropriate action.

This takes a long time to make sure when he takes the company to ET, HR can demonstrate the company behaved lawfully and reasonably which totally undermine his case. Trust me the cost of doing it this way is far less than the cost of trying to shut him down by denying him his legal/contractual rights.

Look at both Maya and Allison’s cases the employers ended up looking like complete twats. A good HR would never have seen the cases get to ET because Maya and Allison would not have been discriminated against.

Hr don’t actually have to entertain every petty whine this man has to do their job. There is scope to read his report of the conversation, say there is nothing illegal or against any of our policies here, so I won’t be speaking to x. Perhaps you should reread our policies and the training on harassment etc so you know it when you see it?
document that conversation and hr are in the clear, with more evidence in their file to eventually get rid of him. Without terrorising other employees like this. This is shitty pandering to a trouble maker.

We all need to be careful when talking about things gender-related”

This is so galling. We shouldn't need to be anymore careful than when talking about any issue. But it's a warning how winds are blowing in the op's company.

Well done @Grubble ! We are cheering for you !

Bloody hell Grubble, I'm glad to hear it worked out OK but what a tonne of stress on something so spurious. I definitely second the email route in response, especially as you still may need to put in a counter complaint at some point.

Delighted the Mumsnet vipers helped, and that knowing you had the support of us all made you feel better.

Enjoy your well-earned annual leave! 🥂

Why not play them at their own game.

Say something like "well you wouldn't put Fallon Fox, a woman, with Israel Adesanya, a man, would you? As that wouldn't be fair, would it?"

And let them answer.

@MarshaMelrose so you would be comfortable with colleagues saying TERFs should die? Or Intersex rather than DSD?

HR are correct we do all (both sides) need to be careful about language.