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Original poster

Humiliated in meeting

148 replies

Hammili · 18/03/2023 09:55

I don’t want this to be too outing. Essentially boss is a Jekyll and Hyde character, one minute overly friendly and enthusiastic the next minute he can be nasty, overbearing and demanding

Meeting yesterday with 4 people. He floated an idea (by floated I mean demanded it happens). I spoke up as to the barriers to stop this from happening (it’s the area I manage). He was incredibly rude, told me to stop talking, make it happen, I’m not interested in the issues and that I was being confrontational.

At that point I shut up and he said (very sarcastically) “so do you think you can make this happen?” - to which I had to reply yes

Moved on to another point of the meeting and he was talking , stopped and demanded I look at him and maintain eye contact with him the whole time he is talking. Told me I was impolite and “your eye contact is all over the place”, look at me when I’m talking to you. “There that’s better”.

it was humiliating, embarrassing, I felt like a little child.

my line manager was in the meeting and walked out with me at the end, she could see I was upset and agreed his behaviour was appalling. I went home to work for the day.

would HR do anything about this? Or is it fair enough to demand extended eye contact from someone

OP posts:
aineoverseas · 18/03/2023 09:59

I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

I'm not sure that HR could do anything about it. At least, not anything that wouldn't make him an even bigger arse than he is.

EngTech · 18/03/2023 10:01

Document everything then take it to HR

See if the company has a bullying policy

RRRException · 18/03/2023 10:02

Awful. People like this don’t change. Leave. Go somewhere where there aren’t dickheads and you are appreciated.

hopeishere · 18/03/2023 10:03

It's bullying. But will anyone else back you up?

iwantavuvezela · 18/03/2023 10:07

that sounds horrendous OP - you could certainly chat to HR - would your line manager back you up?

purpleme12 · 18/03/2023 10:10

This is definitely something worth taking higher! Unacceptable!

Original poster
Hammili · 18/03/2023 10:11

Line manager will back me up absolutely

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 18/03/2023 10:16

Your line manager should have stepped in .. either facilitated a discussion about the potential barriers or suggested taking it outside the meeting to see if it was feasible.

She should also have stepped in about the eye contact comments.

Who was the fourth person in the meeting? They should also have stepped in or at least deflected his focus as it is not possible to maintain eye contact with three people at once.

It sounds awful.

Mark19735 · 18/03/2023 10:43

Not every meeting is an opportunity for a discussion. Sometimes they are convened to pass on orders. Those orders may not be to everyone's liking, but they are still orders. OP - when you say "I had to reply yes" is that because you acknowledge that it can be done? If so, maybe you did come across as difficult, obstructive, or uncooperative?

If a person is inherently an arse. they'll be an arse many times in many situations. If that's the case, HR will already have a file on him (or if not yet, then there'll be others who will substantiate your experience with similar events of their own).

But it can also be the case that the person is within normal bounds of reasonable behaviour and the complainant is hyper sensitive. If he took your lack of eye contact to be eye-rolling, for example, it's quite possible that he has already spoken to HR about you. If you are a hyper-sensitive and needy employee prone to insubordination and misjudging situations and behaving inappropriately, there's a risk that there'll be others who have also noticed and will back him when HR conduct their investigation. Not pre-judging of course - just pointing out the risk.

Most cases aren't fully one thing or the other. In those instances, companies and their HR departments behave very predictably. They back the employee who is most valuable to the company - the one who'd be hardest to replace. Is that you? If so - fire away. Go speak with HR. Get him disciplined. If not ... either suck it up and move on, or brush up your CV as your days will be numbered if you make an issue out of it.

RedRosie · 18/03/2023 10:54

I'm beyond shocked that your line manager didn't step in!

I wouldn't "go to HR". I would talk to your manager, ask why they didn't intervene, and ask them to speak to him.

happinessischocolate · 18/03/2023 10:57

When you say boss I assume you mean owner if the company and therefore nothing HR will touch.

My bosses are like this, but rest assured that when they "humiliate" people it's not the person they're having a go at that looks bad.

lemons44 · 18/03/2023 10:59

That's bullying. Not acceptable at all. You're adults, not in school. I would complain to HR.

Katrinawaves · 18/03/2023 11:09

Whilst he sounds unpleasant and aggressive, what was behind the eye contact issue? Were you sulking about the early part of the meeting and staring fixedly at the table? Or eye rolling or pointedly refusing to make any eye contact with him at all?

Streamside · 18/03/2023 11:18

RedRosie · 18/03/2023 10:54

I'm beyond shocked that your line manager didn't step in!

I wouldn't "go to HR". I would talk to your manager, ask why they didn't intervene, and ask them to speak to him.

Absolutely, this is what your line manager is paid for.

Womencanlift · 18/03/2023 11:19

Hammili · 18/03/2023 10:11

Line manager will back me up absolutely

The time for them to back you was in the meeting when it was happening

Dont rely on them at all especially if this is the culture and their job would be on the line for speaking up

Raise a grievance as this is not on but at same time start looking for a new job

topcat2014 · 18/03/2023 11:26

Nothing good ever comes out of HR for the complainant. Not saying that is right or fair, but that is how it is.

HereComesMaleficent · 18/03/2023 11:30

HR you can do, but they wont do much. Not sure why HR outside of payroll and recruitment is a thing really. In my whole working life I've never known HR do anything about staff like this.

It's why I adopt as a line manager being a bit outspoken to other managers who talk down to jnr staff.

They have a ongoing joke now that if Malificent says "pardon" in a meeting, best stop what you are doing before she rips into you. It's like a warning shot....

Rosula · 18/03/2023 11:49

Your boss needs basic people management and disability training. Bullying is absolutely not acceptable, and that is what this was. One day he'll try that eye contact line on someone with autism and will find himself dealing with an expensive disability discrimination claim.

Soakitup37 · 18/03/2023 11:49

Document it with hr, not necessarily it’ll change anything at this point but will help your case down the line when he’s next an arrogant arse, if he’s like this with you you’re not alone and you reporting it will help you and potentially others

nobody deserves to be treated like that he was on a power trip.

Neverhadapaddle · 18/03/2023 11:49

Spot the poster who is also the over aggressive knob in the office. Telling the OP to suck it up sunshine because the guy is more valuable than you are? Shocking

Original poster
Hammili · 18/03/2023 11:50

I was writing notes and looking at my screen, at that point I didn’t try myself not to cry if I had to interact with him again.

I have never cried at work. Ever. I was biting the end of my tongue to stop myself

He isn’t the owner of the business - public service

My post was empty for 9 months before I came into it - absolutely due to the reputation of the department. I’ve outlasted the previous 3 managers by a good 12 months

OP posts:
enjoyingscience · 18/03/2023 11:51

He won’t stop being an arsehole. Your line manager either needs to support you in reducing contact with him or you need to find another job. Sad but true.

aineoverseas · 18/03/2023 12:00

Neverhadapaddle · 18/03/2023 11:49

Spot the poster who is also the over aggressive knob in the office. Telling the OP to suck it up sunshine because the guy is more valuable than you are? Shocking

He's been sharing his wisdom amongst the wimmen.

Lwrenagain · 18/03/2023 12:04

Work place bullies are the snivelling little arseholes that would have been punched in school for trying to bully others.
I absolutely fucking hate work bullies.
Believe there is a special place in hell for adults who enjoy making their colleagues feel like shit.

Very rare anything is done, but in solidarity, I hope the fucker stubs their toe on every possible corner for the foreseeable future.

And they're always fucking jekyll and hyde actually! That's so accurate!

Sorry you were humiliated 💐

BlueKaftan · 18/03/2023 12:09

This is bullying and undermining. You should speak to your line manager, write everything down, and have an informal conversation with HR. There were witnesses there, including your line manager. Does he have form for this?

To the PP who sees no point to HR other than recruitment and payroll, this past week I’ve investigated two grievances, brought several dozen employee files into HMRC compliance so we don’t get fined at our next audit, and started supporting a staff member with a degenerative condition who needs special office equipment to help do her work. Overall I’d say I’ve earned my keep.