Work’s Christmas party disaster! Did I act inappropriately?

[Disinterestedx]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, a bit of background info: I’m new out of university and have been working for a great small company for a few months. The job is quite junior really, not very well paid for a graduate, and I’m probably overqualified for it. However, the company is good, my manager is nice, the job is easy and stress-free, and the management are obviously happy with me and actually nominated me “employee of the month” recently. I also generally get on with people at my work and have made friends.

Anyway, I went to the Christmas party yesterday which, for the most part, was very good. I don’t drink much so I was very sober compared to most people! My boyfriend also came along for the latter part of the night. Anyway, at 2am in the morning, this man in his 50s/60s comes up to me, stands really uncomfortably close to me, with his face practically touching mine, his hand touching my back etc. My boyfriend is mouthing “are you okay?” because he sees that I look uncomfortable. Anyway, this man says that he’s the Chair of the Board of Directors and that he’s very important, etc. He asks me who I am and what I do. He then starts interrogating me about my job, its value, whether I’ll be able to cope as the company expands and grows, etc., he starts belittling me, saying, “What even IS your background?”. When I say that I’m an Oxford graduate, he says “that’s irrelevant”. He starts asking me questions that don’t even relate to my job role and chuckling when I don’t answer in the way he wants. It starts to feel like a really unpleasant job interview and his face is centimeters from mine. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears and rush to the toilet. When I come out, I’m shaking with anger. My boyfriend tries to calm me down but I then go up to him and say, “Learn some manners, mate - there’s a time and place”, and then give him a patronizing slap on the back. It made me feel a lot better, but I’m now wondering about whether there’ll be any repercussions.

Do you think I acted inappropriately, or was I in my rights to assert my boundaries?

Firstly was he definitely who he said he was? Secondly do you have an HR department that you can speak to about how uncomfortable you were. Sounds like you weren't alone in being leched over!!

I don’t think what you did was particularly inappropriate. It’s more what you said that I’m confused about as it doesn’t seem to make sense in context?

You have done nothing wrong, only a taste of his own medicine - well done OP!
He totally deserved it and I love how you handled it. Too often women don't have the balls/confidence to respond appropriately to assholes like him. I hope people saw how well you put him in his place.
But I don't understand your boyfriend's reaction - he saw this man invading your personal space, could have easily walked over and stood by you/got you away. Disappointing.

Well, SirCharlesRainier what do you take issue with? Speaking for myself, I've never known a works do go on til 2am but perhaps I've led a sheltered existence. And also, speaking for myself, I could see that with drink and loose inhibitions, I could easily put my foot in it or for that matter find myself on the receiving end of someone else's crap.
This sort of thing could happen even among friends.
Many correctly see a work do like this as something where you cut your losses within about three hours and leave, I mean these aren't your mates. No one is forcing someone to stay til 2am, then again perhaps it was all going great until then. But it's not like, the longer you stay, you may get that great promotion.

What on earth was he doing trying to interrogate you about work at 2 in the morning? He sounds like a drunken lech and is unlikely to remember what happened. Maybe the slap on the back was a bit extreme but it must have been very satisfying after he was intruding into your personal space.

This isn't the solution though. When faced with unprofessional behaviour, the way to deal with it at work is to be ultra professional, especially as you escalated to physical contact (yes, not sexual and hopefully not as hard as the word "slap" implies, but still you have lost some of the high ground, and potentially at risk of "then she whacked me aggressively" counter accusation).

If you get pulled into a room, push back. We all know this is sex and potentially age discrimination. He didn't pick you out for nothing right?

That said, I'd put money on you not hearing another word about it. What's he going to do, find your MD and tell them you were aggressively unreceptive to a tedious old goat?

He acted inappropriately, intimidated you and invaded your personal space. I would start looking for a new job but at the same one raise a grievance.

This is probably closest to my take too. He was a drunk bore but I can’t see what he has done that is that intrusive or offensive in itself. Have you had a very sheltered upbringing? Did you never encounter a drunken bore at Oxford? Because any of my friends who went there described it as being awash with them.
There absolutely won’t be any backlash as there is zero per cent chance this man will remember who you are or what you said.
It’s not a woman’s responsibility to deal with drunken bores but I would expect a professional woman to be able to extricate herself from that situation without bursting in to tears if I am honest.

Go into work on Monday with head held high. If anybody comments then answer by saying that there was some behaviour towards you that you thought might have been some inappropriate for a works party setting but you are considering just letting it go.

What did you mean by 'Time and a place'?

That's on a par with idiot parents who bite their toddlers when their toddlers bite them, "to show them how it feels".

He was a lech who ought to have been taken to task ("I hope you are not asking me whether I'm qualified to do the job I have been employed to do, so there's no need to interview again") but your response was very stupid.

Personally, I'd have just given him a look of barely veiled disgust, moved away from him, and got on with my life.

Also, the bursting into tears is ridiculous. You need to give yourself a shake.

Doubt anything will come over it . Some people just don’t have boundaries.was it a noisy environment .
I would of just kept stepping back
tbh you lost the moral high ground when you slapped his back

"anyway at 2am in the morning"

Did they teach you about tautology at Oxford? 😂

On the other hand, 50% of the population is a graduate these days, so tbh, he has a point on that front, and i’m picking up arrogant vibes about being overqualified for the role

and by the way, you’re not over qualified for any job when it’s your first out of uni.

Make sure that you put the OP firmly in her place, won’t you? Just like the older guy tried to.

It’s a variation on the posters telling the OP to look for another job because she has offended a man who might be ‘important’. FFS. It’s not 1962. We don’t have to cringe to ‘directors’ or bow and scrape to them when they are being offensive. Which he very much was. I expect that he was at the university of life etc etc never did him any harm blah blah

To the OP, I say well done. She made it clear that his behaviour was unacceptable and gave it a light hearted spin. I’d have handled it differently but I’m not 21.

If it's raised, say you had no idea who he was and he was behaving very strangely. What he said didn't make sense- grilling you about work things that don't relate to your position, and his behaviour was very discomforting and bordered sexual harassment. You assumed he couldn't be anyone particularly senior given his inappropriate behaviour.

OP good for you, and ignore the unpleasant posts from the presumably much older posters who put up with sexual harrassment and misogyny and are angry at the thought that younger women don't.

Give yourself a Pat on the back, never mind him.

This. Your response was odd given that you had already distanced yourself and then went back and spoke to him like a ‘bloke in the local’.

👏🏼

I think you did the right thing, you've shown him you're not a pushover and not to be messed with. Yes, if you weren't so upset and angry you might have handled it better, but you're only human. I think it could go either way now, though; he could take even more of a shine to you because you're 'feisty', or he'll be on your case as you've hurt his ego. Or maybe he'll just try to laugh it off and take the coward's way out, if he's got a conscience and can see he's wrong in the cold light of day.

You both sound a bit weird. Small companies don't have boards of directors so he's obviously chatting shit. But running out of the toilet to slap people is bizarre. And why did you hit him on the back?

This is what I think too.

If the boss then hears of her tears in the toilet plus the behaviour then it just sounds totally bizarre.

In your first job out of uni you want to get the experience and move on.

If he’d carried on saying inappropriate things when back in work then I’d complain but honestly (and not minimising) in a small company he won’t give a shit what he says or does. He’s likely going to behave at work though.

This - you could have said a lot worse & genuinely don't think you need to worry too much.