Work’s Christmas party disaster! Did I act inappropriately?

[Disinterestedx]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, a bit of background info: I’m new out of university and have been working for a great small company for a few months. The job is quite junior really, not very well paid for a graduate, and I’m probably overqualified for it. However, the company is good, my manager is nice, the job is easy and stress-free, and the management are obviously happy with me and actually nominated me “employee of the month” recently. I also generally get on with people at my work and have made friends.

Anyway, I went to the Christmas party yesterday which, for the most part, was very good. I don’t drink much so I was very sober compared to most people! My boyfriend also came along for the latter part of the night. Anyway, at 2am in the morning, this man in his 50s/60s comes up to me, stands really uncomfortably close to me, with his face practically touching mine, his hand touching my back etc. My boyfriend is mouthing “are you okay?” because he sees that I look uncomfortable. Anyway, this man says that he’s the Chair of the Board of Directors and that he’s very important, etc. He asks me who I am and what I do. He then starts interrogating me about my job, its value, whether I’ll be able to cope as the company expands and grows, etc., he starts belittling me, saying, “What even IS your background?”. When I say that I’m an Oxford graduate, he says “that’s irrelevant”. He starts asking me questions that don’t even relate to my job role and chuckling when I don’t answer in the way he wants. It starts to feel like a really unpleasant job interview and his face is centimeters from mine. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears and rush to the toilet. When I come out, I’m shaking with anger. My boyfriend tries to calm me down but I then go up to him and say, “Learn some manners, mate - there’s a time and place”, and then give him a patronizing slap on the back. It made me feel a lot better, but I’m now wondering about whether there’ll be any repercussions.

Do you think I acted inappropriately, or was I in my rights to assert my boundaries?

He sounds ghastly and I would consider getting in first with a clear report of what he said to you. A work party is still work. A useful thing to remember for future events.

This is the best example of "it's all bullshit before the but" I've seen for a while.

Well done OP, ignore the usual victim blamers.

Inappropriate ? You’re a fucking hero 👏👏👏

Be proud of yourself. You did nothing wrong. Well done for standing up for yourself rather than smiling sweetly on the outside while feeling upset on the inside. Wish I’d been more like that when I was younger.

Any. Excuse. To mention Oxford 😀

Well done you. Absolutely would have done the same. I would write down exactly what happened so you have a clear record and think about telling your boss what happened so they are aware of his behaviour, and also consider telling HR. He was the one out of order not you.

Well done OP you did the right thing but please do stop with the overqualified stuff. If you are just our if Uni you will 100% not be, unless you also have years of experience in the field and were just doing a postgrad or doctorate in which case apologies.

Bloody hats off to you!

@ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler
Thank you. What I mean is that it’s an entry level job, on minimum wage, rather than a graduate job. I chose the position because it would be stress-free after a very stressful degree.

He acted terribly and you reacted.
Doesn’t sound like your reaction was out of line in the slightest, what were you supposed to do, go home crying? He’s in the wrong, not you

Your words were completely reasonable.
And a slap on the back at 2am when everyone is drinking, isn't remarkable. Unless it was a punch in the kidneys 😉

If he was doing the rounds of young girls, then might be worth you speaking with or two to say how uncomfortable he made you feel and you are considering raising a grievance.

On the other hand, 50% of the population is a graduate these days, so tbh, he has a point on that front, and i’m picking up arrogant vibes about being overqualified for the role and if it was an assessment about future prospects, then you’ve handled it badly. One of my major promotions happened in a similar fashion, and i was told to apply.

He put his hand on you first, is your defence, if that’s raised. Also he was drunk and spittling into your face.

He does sound like a twat to me, but there’s lots of those in the workplace, some are just more obvious than others. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour which i believe is inappropriate from what you described, but handling anyone who is pushing boundaries is part of working life and part and parcel of getting ahead in business, so have a think about what you could have done differently, because you will come across more twats in future. We are not only judged by the quality of our work, but our ethics and behaviours in public, and i’ve seen decent employees fail this aspect badly and ultimately end their careers, in some cases quite rightly but others just handled customers badly. Sounds like this twat was from a different era.

his behaviour was appalling.

your comeback was cringe.

apply for a more challenging job and use your degree/brains.

He should be ALOT more anxious than you!!!!

I would hope that nothing was brought up because it sounds like the behaviour he displayed was inappropriate- and it sounds like he's a big enough arse he may forget which one of the young women he was talking to you are......your choices are either, to ignore the behaviour and hope he does, or complain about it, and guarantee escalating it. Personally I'd choose option one for the easy life, but I wouldn't blame anyone who chose option two. She just sounds like a drunken big billy bollocks

Well done. I doubt he will bring it up again, if he even remembers, as it was so inappropriate. You could report him to HR for this or lie low and see how things go.

They'll all know what he’s like already, and probably won’t mention anything. I don’t think you said anything wrong either.
i remember a manager coming over, putting two hands on my chair arms and leaning over me to talk. I asked him was he trying to give me a lap dance and to step back....which he did. Apparently he was known for it, but never did it again to me.

I can’t believe your boyfriend just stood there while some bloke was so close he made you uncomfortable and spoke down to you.

He’s a perve that should be being disciplined for inappropriate behaviour.

We had something similar. Lawyers were involved.

I am not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. I know it is hard to speak up. For my sins I wish I’d spoken up more when younger. I’m more senior now and am no longer afraid of fitting in. I trust my judgement. (I’m also not young, attractive and the type that anyone would try to get away with things they did 20 years ago any more). But you are not in the wrong at all whatever you decide to do and I’m so disappointed and angry on your behalf by many of the comments on here.

In our case it wasn’t an isolated incident.

I haven’t seen anyone defending his behaviour. OP asked if her job was likely to be at risk, and some people have said that yes, if he really is as important as he made out, and is a vindictive little shit, then it could be. And that they themselves probably wouldn’t have slapped him in that situation.

very weird. He was obnoxious, but why did you put your hands on him? There was no need to slap his back.

It does, doesn't it

Ha ha, well done, I say. He won't be bothering you again. He knew very well what he was doing, and now he knows you are not the type to take crap. Its unlikely to escalate, but if it does he was harassing you. I wish I had your guts when I was constantly fending off the dirty old pervs at work in my 20s. 👏 👏

Do you think he will be wringing his hands and worrying about his appalling behaviour? Of course he won't. And I don't think you should worry about your response. You did what you felt was warranted at the time. Pretty sure no one will come back to you on it, as no one looks good in it.

I do think you should take this as a wake up call. You are clearly able and intelligent, yet you've positioned yourself in an entry level minimum wage job and you let some old git belittle you and make you feel bad about yourself.. You need to find a job commensurate with your abilities and just fake the confidence you need until you really feel it (and you will).

I admire you for what you said (although I personally wouldn't have touched him). I've dealt with dicks like this before and wished I'd said something. It's likely he behaves like this a lot, but if nobody has ever reported him it may not be on record. If I were worried about repercussions, I'd probably write it all down, and speak to my boss about it (with a follow up email so it's in writing) but ask her to keep it strictly confidential- you just want it recorded somewhere just in case there is a repeat of this. Be prepared for it not to be kept confidential of course...