Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I'm glad you aren't as you are actually getting some good advice here re the process.

Now you have read some posts do you think you are changing your views on the situation, your husband or the victim?

My total sympathies are with you. I've been in this exact position.

I quickly learned that society is still in denial about the fact that men can and do harass women and use their power against them in the workplace. Not least, that this form of harassment is very often sexual.

They are far more comfortable with the illusion that it's always the women who are lying.

you need to give your head a wobble (or however the English saying goes, it's not my mother tongue).

Your hate is misplaced.

I've been harassed at work and 4 years on I'm still traumatized by the experience.

I'm also not sure what her childcare arrangements for her 5-year old have anything to do with the matter.

"This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either".

Surprised to read you're mad at this woman your husbands been harassing. Your husband sounds like an absolute pest, all anger should be directed at him.

No you absolutely do not have the right to a solicitor. The law is clear. It is a work colleague or trade union officer authorised to act in this way (although you do not have to be a member of the union, as its possible to hire someone so qualified). Please stop telling people things that aren't true. The right to be represented by a solicitor is limited to a very small number of professions and circumstances.

OP. Please stop this mindset now.

This is not about this woman and what she does or doesn’t do with her children. That is absolutely none of your business.

This is about your husband harassing someone. To the point of an investigation and potential dismissal.

We don’t care about what this woman has done. Or if she is your cup of tea or not. You shouldn’t care about that.

Give. Your. Head. A. Shake.

Grow up. And start to get angry at your psychotic, nasty, harassing husband. He is the one in the wrong.

Your husband has been harassing a woman for two years, to the point he's been suspended. The way you talk about her private life and her child is disgusting, it's nothing to do with you at all. Why on earth are you so vicious towards your husbands victim?? He's clearly obsessed with this poor woman to the point of stalking. If the police get involved he's in for more than just being suspended.
Focus your anger at the right person, rather than victim blaming. It might be easier to blame her rather than the man you thought you knew, but she is a victim. Your husband has done this to your family. This woman has had enough shit from your family, without you deciding she's to blame.
Get rid of your pig of a husband and stay well away from that poor woman.

It sounds very one sided. Sounds like she doesn’t even want to be friends.

if he’s stalked and harassed her and she has the evidence it’s very likely he’ll be sacked.

Sod all to do with the fact your husband is a stalker.

Suppose for 1 minute that your "D"H just gets a slap on the wrist and told not to be a naughty boy again ( which hopefully won't happen and he'll have his arse handed to him and kicked out the door),.....what will you do the next time it happens, or the time after that? Because, whether you want to believe it or not, it will happen again, so what then? Carry on blaming the women on the receiving end or are you going to wake up and see him for what he is?

*OP. Please stop this mindset now.

This is not about this woman and what she does or doesn’t do with her children. That is absolutely none of your business*

I'm getting the feeling that in OP's head this is the start of an attempt to shift the blame onto the woman for how the husband behaved. Not logical and not rational but easier than coming to terms with what her husband has done.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

i got told that I should ‘be kind’ to my bully - more so because he went off work because I (eventually) raised a grievance. “Did I not realise this was making him unwell?”

Said to a woman with no hair and with skin that looked as though it had been flayed.

The other thing I was told was to grow a thicker skin. Nice. Which might have been handy in the circumstances seeing as how I was raw and bleeding.

Years on, I’m still bitter about it and I won’t ever be the same. A job I loved is now just a job.

I know what it feels like and I’m sorry you went through it too. 💐

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it.

What do you mean "technically"? Your husband is a stalking loon.

Everyone needs to lock up their pet rabbits.

I am a bit more sympathetic to your anger (though it is undoubtedly misplaced) than other people here because your world has just been turned upside down. But, yes: you shouldn’t be mad at this woman who is a victim.

I have had a stalker who stalked me for years. I had never even met him. It is perfectly possible your husband has done this to this poor woman while having had only ever a friendship with her.

Why is everyone piling on OP? Her life has just fallen apart! And she didn't harass anyone.

Honestly it's like you all just enjoy a pile on. Not cool.

I think he point about the "hurting the other women" has been well and truly made .

You know possibly this has all been such a shock to the OP that she is reacting in a visceral way .She's hurt ,she wants to lash out .She's of the view that an affair took place .

Give her a break .

Sorry I just can’t get past this bit

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family

Her? you are so out of order it’s unreal.

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids

She hasn't destroyed them. Your husband has.

When I see posts like this from women like you, it explains to me why men rule the world.

@LIW4 like pps I agree you shouldn’t take out your anger on this woman.

It sounds like your DH is a predatory shit. In your shoes, I would ask him to leave permanently.

In terms of practical advice:
I suggest your DH resigns first thing tomorrow morning. In theory, his employers could carry on with their investigation and disciplinary process during his notice period. In reality most employers will just be happy to move on and let him go. Until a disciplinary is completed, nothing is proven so he will have a ‘clean’ record so that he can carry on earning - and so that you can claim decent child maintenance from him. Obviously if he has crossed a line into criminal behaviour, there may be a police investigation which he can’t resign his way out of.

I’m so sorry but you need to open your eyes and redirect your anger at the father of your children. Only a very foolish woman supports and defends a sexual predator.

So what, because you think you're a better mother than her, she deserves the harassment & abuse from your vile shit of a husband? You're disgusting & as bad as your husband - what a judgemental cow.

I am a bit more sympathetic to your anger (though it is undoubtedly misplaced) than other people here because your world has just been turned upside down. But, yes: you shouldn’t be mad at this woman who is a victim.

Madamovaries is right OP.

I get your anger.

Because she says she wants to hurt her husband's victim, blame her for "destroying my family", has made a number of uncharitable and irrelevant points about the victim and appears to be trying to minimise her husband's conduct.

Is that enough?

But it is misplaced.

I think its fair to say poster is going through a lot of emotions right now so can people please refrain from rudeness before bearing in mind this lady is feeling desperate right now for support. Yes its not the womans fault, but please understand many people feel initial rage towards the "other person" their partner cheats on them with.
Personally, there would be no other option for me but to leave. Be smart about it, get your affairs in order with a clear head, plan finances for you to be able to end the marriage without getting you and your children into a bad situation.
You deserve better and as hard as it will be in the end it would be the best example to set for your children to leave and not accept or forgive this betrayal and behavior.

many people feel initial rage towards the "other person" their partner cheats on them with

Where does it say he cheated?