Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

SHE is not to blame... You stupidly hitched your wagon to a 'nice guy' and she is the innocent victim who REFUSED to have an affair behind your back, how on earth have you concluded SHE is the problem and should be punished???

Only one person distroyed your world and thats the shit you married.

1. First I’m 100% that this thread will be pulled soon by MN “because the OP has cited real world privacy concerns and we are here for MN To make lives easier and this thread is causing Op some anxiety”.

second - why do you want to physically hurt this woman OP? And what’s that comment about her dumping her son?

''I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids''

You had my sympathy until I read this.

Your husband is responsible for this mess and he is the one who chose to destroy his family by repeatedly harassing a colleague. This poor woman is the victim here.

It think it is likely that he will have to resign or he will be sacked.

I can't see how he could carry on working there and be allowed to keep interacting with this female colleague.

If I were you I would leave him over this too.

Jesus Christ yea of course he should lose his job! And your anger is misdirected.

Haha PayPennies I was literally thinking the same thing. I’m waiting for the deletion message to say, ‘The OP is grateful for all the responses but this is causing her anxiety in real life so we’ve agreed to take it down’

I feel so sorry for this woman.

Being harassed and intimidated for years.

And then his wife declares she wants to physically hurt her

How delightful. Sounds like you deserve this cheating scum of a husband.

I am actually thank you so much.
I wouldn't drop/palm/get rid of my child on a whim thank you very much

Thank you for your critique

Yep.

Sorry to disappoint you and not pull it

“I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids”.

Good. Don’t let the poor woman get away with being harassed and intimidated by your DH, make sure you gang up on her too.

I’m sure no one’s disappointed that you won’t pull the thread however that is usually what happens in these sorts of situations.

You’ve had 7 pages worth of comments and that’s the only thing you’d like to address?

I wouldn't drop/palm/get rid of my child on a whim thank you very much

You seem much more concerned about her behaviour than your husband's. How come you know so much about her and her child?

Um, where does your knowledge of this other woman come from?

First hand, from her own mouth so, you actually know her to speak to?

OR hearsay, and whatever lines he has fed you?

I suspect the latter and since you're fully aware he is at best, omitting the full facts and most likely, flat out lying to you about as much as he possibly can, I really don't understand why you'd believe what he has to say about her!

Can he be sacked for this? I bloody well hope so.

Ironic really, as you both sound as if your child/ren would be far better off without either of you.

I would start getting things in order to kick him to the kerb.
Saying you want to hurt her is wrong. You should be aiming this at your husband for putting his family in this shit shower.

I think everyone needs to slow down on here

he will be going to a fact finding interview
get the full story and take it from there

there’s some massive assumptions in some of these replies which may or may not be true

find out what your dealing with and take it from there

And yet she still sounds like a much better person than you or your husband.

Why are you angry at her? It's not her fault your husband is a piece of shit.

How do you know she does this?

You're focusing on the wrong person op.

what does dumping her son at 5 years of age mean?
You don't like her because she's a working woman? I hate to break it to you but some of us don't get a choice!

I hope you get the answers you were looking for from this thread.

Personally, if either you or your husband harasses her further or actually does threaten violence against her, I hope she escalates it to a police matter.

You two sound as though you very much deserve each other.

Don’t direct your anger at her.

You know where that needs to be.

As someone who has been on the other end of harassment, intimidation, malicious allegations and bullying over 4 years and more, I know what this feels like.

If it goes the same way as my situation? He might get lucky and he’ll be told to leave quietly with a generous golden handshake.

And if the woman he targeted and persecuted is like me, she will be left trying to hold onto her career with a questionable reputation and a deep mistrust of her union, the management and the HR dept of the company she works for. That’s without taking into account the detrimental effects to her physical and mental well being.

If the allegations are true? I hope the luck lies with her and she is the one the company decides to protect.

That is true in law. The law is silent on the matter. However it is advised to err on the side of allowing accompaniment, especially where the allegations are serious. But it is "company" not representation. Having someone there not part of the employers investigation helps to show that the meeting was conducted fairly and the results recorded correctly. Without that the person may be able to claim that they were bullied or railroaded into something, or that the records are not accurate.