Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I know. I don't blame her at all I'm really sorry she's gone through this
Up to Wednesday I thought I had a happy marriage and bringing up 4 beautiful little babies age 6 months upwards
It still doesn't stop the hurt from it all
Thank

You know what? As a union officer I've represented guilty people. I consider it part of the job. But having read three posts here from the OP, I have to say that if I met these two people in real life then I just couldn't, just couldn't do it. But then I'm thinking that meeting them in real life might be hard to do, because I'm finding it really hard to believe... I can almost believe someone posting stupidly in anger and hurt. But it's Sunday so that letter didn't arrive today. That's a long running anger and hurt without common sense kicking in. But to have read all the comments over hours, and then still come back posting as a b*h - Well that takes a special kind of person. Or something else....

understand many people feel initial rage towards the "other person" their partner cheats on them with.

There's no evidence in the OP that the victim was having an affair with OP's husband.

I didn't get the impression the letter came today .OP doesn't say that does she ?

And who did you husband palm your four children off on while he was harassing this woman?

I attend magistrates (and crown court) where the charges are for a much, much lower level and period of harassment than this.

If she’s told him to stop and he’s continued this for two years then, on the face of it, that easily crosses the legal definition for harassment and may also cross the line into stalking.

I think his best bet may be to resign and allow this poor woman the space to continue her life without his unwanted contact.

The messages go back over 2 years ,OP has had doubts about husband ,he's often 90 mins late .OP clearly working on basis that there has been an affair .

to me i would regard those emails as enough evidence for cheating or intent to cheat which is just as bad, i am just trying to show a bit of kindness and understand from this ladys viewpoint as she is getting a lot of hate

@Quveas you have no obligation to tell them WHO will be accompanying you. You can chose whoever you want. Your union rep, a colleague, your wife, your neighbour, a local stripper, it’s up to you. And if you chose your solicitor, they cannot stop you. None of which takes away from the fact that ops DH might indeed be a sex pest….

I think you need to take a deep breath and re-evaluate every single thing your husband has told you, particularly where this woman is concerned. He's already lied to you, hasn't he?

It sounds as though your husband has been harassing and stalking this woman. If he has, then it's likely he will lose his job. If he's very lucky, they'll just ask for his resignation. They might even agree to give him a brief reference if he'll go quietly.
You need to prepare yourself for him being arrested, if she reports him to the police.
I'm guessing that the union rep can't represent him because he or she is representing the woman who has been harassed. It may well be so cut and dried that the union will refuse to find an alternative for him.

Your husband has already lied and prevaricated. He hasn't told you all the facts and he's desperately trying to minimise it. I bet he knows exactly why he's been suspended, he's just terrified you'll find out.

What you do regarding your marriage rests on how you feel about his behaviour and his lies.
Can you really stand by him, knowing he has done these things, or does he repel and disgust you?
You've had a terrible shock and of course you're not thinking straight, so you've lashed out at the victim. When you're calmer, you may begin to see this for what it is. It's not your fault and I do feel for you, but you can't close your eyes to his behaviour. He'll do it again.

Thank you for your comments
Your correct the letter came on Thursday but i personally didn't see the letter until an hour before the post. Then the emails
I can assure you I've not been stewing as you say for days

I'm angry, hurting right now. Of course I don't blame her

This is completely untrue. Its a TU rep or colleague only, and you do have to tell them who will be accompanying you.

Why do you even give a shit if he gets sacked? That's no longer your problem, he checked out of your marriage 2 years ago, all that's needed now is his stuff to be out of your house

You want to physically hurt her for destroying your family?

Because the man you are married to you has been harassing her?

Wow.

He will lose his job or at best a demotion.

Either way I wouldn't support him emotionally or financially.

This is completely incorrect.

OP, have you asked your husband what he is apologising to her for? What is his explanation?

Have you read their entire message history and email history? Does it shed any more light as to what exactly happened?

Is all the contact from him to her? Or does she reply at any time?

@5128gap…..that just isn’t true. A lot of industries don’t have a TU rep…you can be accompanied by anyone you see fit….

No there's a lot of flirty banter

i am just trying to show a bit of kindness and understand from this ladys viewpoint as she is getting a lot of hate

And just what would you call her attitude to the woman her husband's been harassing?

Knock it off with 'hate.' It's the single most overused word on SM.

But can’t we still say we think she is wrong in where she is putting the blame, and what she is insinuating, without sticking the knife in? It is kicking someone when they are already down and is unnecessary. There is surely enough pain in the situation already.

Lady, get a grip! Your bully coward of a DH caused his own trauma, yes? Yet you want to embarrass the poor woman! It's not her fault, it's his! You should kick him out and get legal advice. He needs a psychiatric intervention. He KNEW he was doing wrong, risky behaviour! Yer he carried on, like it ok. Oh OK, because he's a bully it's alright! I'm engaged to a Orc and he's beautiful, muscular and crazy and very rich. But he's 1000000% loyal to me and I to him, 3.5 years of drama! I'm lucky! You need to question your wayward husband. Why did he get so personal and nasty with that woman, was he snagging her behind your back? Yuk! He will probably be warned, at the worst sacked. Then he could be charged by the Police with harassment and stalking! Get legal advice and protect yourself! Don't blame her, blame HIM! Married men messing about, yuk eww! I've been with my crazy badman, gymnasts body, Daniel Craig /Prince Harry lookalike, 3.5 years and won't even FLIRT with strangers because I'm his loyal lady! Protect your assets! Your world has imploded due to his extreme selfishness! Remember that! It's not her fault!

Crikey....

This might help:

from ACAS: An employer should only suspend someone if it's needed. For example:

suspending an employee while they carry out an investigation, if it's a serious situation and there's no alternative

an employee should be informed in writing of their suspension which should set out the reasons for it, how long it is expected to last, the employee’s rights and obligations during this period etc.

Suspension does not mean an employee has done anything wrong, and should not be used to discipline someone.

If you’re suspended, you might be told not to talk to other employees, customers and/or suppliers. If this means you cannot defend yourself properly at a disciplinary hearing, you could make an appeal.

But if you’ve been asked not to talk and you do, your employer might decide to take further disciplinary action against you.

There should also be a chance to appeal any disciplinary action your employer decides to take.

Quick name change. My husband has been going through bullying and harassment for a year now, only he’s the victim. It’s all on email/WhatsApp etc. He’s been called fat/lazy/incompetent (and that’s not even the worst part) Loads of other stuff. Despite an internal and external complaint, not a thing has been done about it. The perpetrators haven’t even been asked to put their side forward despite my husband being off with stress for three months, on anti-depressants and unable to sleep. He’s even had to change jobs to escape them. My husband is in the public sector.

What I’m trying to say is that, whilst it may seem bad, there’s a chance that this may all blow over and he’ll just get a slap on the wrist. He might have to give a written apology or something. Maybe he’ll have to move teams. Unless he’s physically assaulted her I doubt he’ll get sacked. Maybe he’ll be put on a very close monitoring system with a mentoring buddy basically watching his every move.