Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

This is utter rubbish. Please don't anyone believe it.

I'd be more worried about him being arrested for stalking than losing his job. What a nasty piece of work.

And you've done yourself no favours with your comments about this poor woman.

Please quote the law on this. You can't. It doesn't exist.

've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

You've never met her. So what you think you know about her or her family, is second hand; probably more fantasy and misdirection from your lying husband.

What do you think of him as a responsible attentive protective father?

Wow op so sorry you’re going through this.
He could certainly speak to his Union for advice.
I would think with messages like that, they’ve maybe had a relationship and it turned sour and he is trying to claw something back.
I would think that it could be a sackable offence if she took it further - ie got police involved for harassment; or if the company has strict policies on conduct at work.
I know the point of your post is his job security but I think your priority should be looking at how you would manage without him in your household. Best of luck xxx

In 20+ years as a HR practitioner I’ve never worked for any organisation that would allow anyone. No employer would want a lawyer or journalist in the room.

I would be furious with my husband rather than the other woman. What on earth has he being doing to her for it to go this far? Sorry I have no idea what will happen with regards to his job, but I would be contacting a solicitor and looking at what benefits I would be entitled to as a single parent if you have dc together.

I really feel for you. It must be very difficult being the mother of four kids and being saddled with this fucking twit of a husband who's upturned your life and is too thick to even acknowledge what he has done or even have the guts to tell you the whole story.
My heart goes out to you love. Stay strong and try to get support for yourself in real life, have you a good friend or family member who you could tell so you don't have to manage alone.

Op why do you know so much about her ? Did your husband have an affair with her in the past? That would make sense as to why you're projecting such anger towards her .

So sorry to hear this OP. Ignore people putting the boot in, you must be devastated and angry and your anger at her is probably misplaced but totally understandable.

I know it’s cold comfort but these life upside down moments are usually for good reason and you will manage. You will. I’ve had what I call several ‘life laundry’ moments in life and got through them all, happier each time.

Please be as practical as possible- it will help distract you. Put all your details into ‘entitled to’ for a start as a single person. If it says you are entitled to anything then apply for universal credit immediately without delay. It’s a quick process and won’t take long and can all be done online.

Take care of yourself x

to me it seems very clear that they had a short relationship and he has not accepted that it ever ended. Since then, he has been making her life hell. The only surprise is how long it has taken for him to be pulled up over this.

Absolutely he can be fired and quite frankly he could be up for criminal charges of harassment.

This is incredibly serious and your husband is an obsessive, dishonest and dangerous man.

Please don’t even consider staying with him. He has cheated, engaged in long-term lying and is now gaslighting you.

On top of that he expects you to bail him out.

I hope you can raise your standards and make a new life away from him. He has betrayed you and the family horribly, and he has very little chance of gaining new employment in a field that will require a reference.

Yes you can, I took a lawyer with me.

Why do you think he can’t call his union rep? If the company have told him this they run the risk of being investigated themselves for unfair process.

Nevertheless I would leave him.

Oh blimey, what a shock for you.
His behaviour is criminal. Never mind being sacked from work, he should be being interviewed by the police.

I hope both you and his other victim are safe and have real life support.

You can if the company agrees.

They're only obliged to allow a TU rep or a colleague. Anything beyond this is at the company’s discretion.

That would have been a goodwill gesture on your employer's part, not reflective of a legal right.

Your husband sounds unhinged. I'm assuming he has some real MH problems as his ability to boundary and show respect is fucked ..... and as for his love and loyalty to you.....

You deserve way better than this, OP. Please ask him to leave and see a solicitor to work out your best next move

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. You're understandably devastated at this point. It's so much to take in and I think you know you're not getting the full story from your husband, so it's hard to discern the truth, especially when you're bound to be in shock right now.

Right now you're looking at this as "how can I keep things going as they are". The truth is though that this changes everything, financially and relationship wise, it will affect your family, there's nothing you can do about it and it's down to your husband's behaviour.

Your feelings towards your husband's victim are understandable but not rational, you resent her for the disruption and heartbreak this has brought to your door, but you acknowledge that it's how you feel not how you're thinking. You feel like your family is threatened and instinctually the outsider is the threat. My concern is that the threat is really the person who you married and right now you're not seeing it.

It's going to take some time to get your head around all this, I have no doubt when you do you will feel differently towards the poor woman he has harassed.

No, this is entirely wrong.

This thread makes depressing reading as it shows, once again, how women are constantly blamed for some of the very serious shortcomings of men. In fact, the more serious those shortcomings, the more vociferously people will look for the nearest woman and shunt the responsibility decisively in her direction.

Some of us have posted about what it means to be on the receiving end of this kind of harassment from men. How we, as victims, are advised to be kind to our perpetrators. How we are constantly disbelieved; how it's deemed impossible that a man could be an abuser despite overwhelming statistical evidence to the contrary, but as to women who would lie, maliciously and deliberately, to destroy a man's reputation for our own amusement? Apparently they (statistically rare) are ten-a-penny. If - god forbid - it happens to be you in this position next, and don't think it can't; it's sadly extremely common, can you imagine how it would feel to have people disbelieve you and shunt all the responsibility onto you?

Attitudes like this are simply fuelling the laissez faire response to female victims. OP claims to want to hurt - physically hurt - the victim of her husband's hideous, unwanted conduct. Now shortcomings in OP's relationship with her husband are being seen as to blame for his harassment of his victim.

We NEED to stop doing this. What exactly is so hard about placing the blame directly on the men responsible?

that isn't a legal right.

Your employer didn't have to let them in. It's likely the employer didn't know that.

Completely agree . OP sacking is the least of his problems , there is a high chance of police involvement . Really don't know how you have stopped yourself from beating the bastard senseless !

Your reaction is weird …you want to hurt her ? ? I’d want to wring his neck ! Why are you worried about him losing his job ? He deserves to by the sound of it. Sounds like you’d cope financially on your own and he clearly doesn’t love you to have done this for 2 years . I’m sure most women reading this would be hurt , furious but ultimately not collude with his creepiness and kick him out !

Sorry this is so long, but I'm shocked . Why are people trying to encourage you to make knee jerk decisions? You've said you cannot manage the bills alone and have children to consider. There is a bigger picture and you need to think about all the options. It may have irrevocably changed your relationship with your husband but no need to jump in the fire with him if you can help him keep his job. I'm sure it is uncomfortable reading but if 'you' can't read anything more into thousands of messages then who else is there to satisfy? That's not to say you should like it, put up with it or not make future changes, but take your time to do what's best for you and the kids. Personally, I think it takes 2 to string this out over 2 years, but you didn't come here for moral judgements.

Regarding a meeting. Everyone has the 'right to be accompanied' to a disciplinary meeting. If they are saying differently then it suggests they are not familiar with the procedure. If your husband has been told this then he needs it in writing. Depending on whether you/he think he can handle himself in a meeting, it can be useful to let a company make proceedural mistakes. Whether he goes on his own or not, he doesn't have to and shouldn't say anything to acknowledge, admit or incriminate himself. There is no such thing as a friendly, informal,"'just trying to get both sides of the story" disciplinary hearing, because that is what this will be, stage 1 He should take notes but I would ask that the meeting is recorded and provided to both sides afterwards to be agreed. Although it may seem the better option to be accompanied and I wouldn't rule it out, a union rep, although the obvious choice, is not paid to fight your husband's corner and you could be putting a lot of faith in their competence.

Taking legal advice always seems like a money pit, but there are 24/7 legal advice lines that specialise in Employment law, just to get your bearings on this. Better still, if you have house insurance it may come with a legal package bolted on which provides a helpline for any legal topic and cover ( less excess ) for a handful of special situations including Employment cases up to full legal proceedings. From memory this includes appointing solicitors and representation at Employment Tribunals - were your husband to find himself in a situation of unfair or constructive dismissal.

Good luck with this, it's a rough situation, but if your husband is going to stick his head in the sand then you really can't afford to - it isn't just his current job on the line that will be affected

He is clearly in a lot of trouble. Whatever you think if the other woman she is the victim here. She will have evidence for her claims and HR have enough to suspend your DH.

Your DH may want to think about seeking advice from an employment solicitor for a damage limitation strategy. One way or another he will almost certainly be looking for another job.