Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

OMG 😳, you sound unhinged! 😂

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

Read that back, OP. Read that back. You are blaming the woman for being bullied, intimidated and sexually harassed. You are blaming her, the victim in all this, for your husband's disgusting, unprofessional, scary behaviour.

Just stop and refocus.

On him.

2 years of this. 2. years.

Tell him to get to fuck and get good legal advice for your own well being and securing assets for you and your children if you have any. Don't let him drag you down with him; he's likely going to find it hard to find a job if this escalates to a criminal investigation (harassment, sexual harassment, possible stalking), as his references will be nil.

Can be classed as gross misconduct if the allegations are substantiated, and looks like plenty of evidence (when these cases collapse it’s usually due to lack of/ weak evidence).

investigation meeting he doesn’t have the right to be accompanied, hearing meeting he does.

Is he suspended with or without pay? Best case scenario he can drag this out (by being ill for a meeting or similar) if it’s paid while looking for a new job.

Doesn't look good for him. But depends on what other evidence and testimony there is, you’ve only seen what’s on his phone. Small chance he could keep his job if investigation is botched or there’s strong evidence it was a mutually wanted relationship rather than one-sided harassment.

I was harassed at work by a male colleague over texts. It was absolutely horrific. It seeped into my home life and I had no escape.

The fact you aren’t kicking him out right now for putting another person through that emotional turmoil for two years says a lot about you.

I can understand you being angry but I’d reserve your anger until you get to the bottom of what’s gone on. Has this woman knocked yoyr DH back and he’s bombarded her with texts and maybe calls, emails,w no knows what?
Afaik he cannot be refused access to a Union rep or a legal representative. I’m 99% sure companies cannot do that. ACAS will advise, suggest he calls them tomorrow.
it could ( could, I’m not saying it is) be proven that your DH has in fact stalked this woman by constant contact and yes, he could be fired.

Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. We here have no way of knowing.

I had a stalker once, who turned from “some random guy” into a psycho.
He started calling me at my office, asking about things related to the business. It escalated from there. He’d call me threatening to kill me. Then he’d call my parents and threaten to kill them. Then he threatened to kill the police and sheriffs of several different cities and counties, until one city decided it wasn’t funny.

The last I heard, he was in prison.

I had to move, go into hiding, change my phone #, live with the unearned guilt of my family living in fear of some insane guy’s threats and harassment…

All in all, it was awful, dreadful.
Stop blaming the victim.

Precisely.
WTF do you want to hurt this poor woman who your husband has been abusing for several years?!
She’s the victim and I hope she involves the police. He deserves everything that I hope is coming to him.

Second the advice to resign seeing as the writing’s on the wall. Looks a bit better on his record than dismissal for gross misconduct - though they may still disclose pending investigation in a reference.

He should really get legal advice though. A lot at stake.

It is very likely he could be fired for this. But he should still be allowed to speak to a union rep and to bring one to the meeting.

She didn't destroy your life, or your family. Your husband did, and by the sounds of it, he's been trying to destroy hers too. I can assure you, it takes a lot to get to the point of making a formal complaint about a harasser at work, so she must be really struggling to have escalated it to this point.

Your husband devalued you, your family and your life - that's where your anger needs to be directed.

I've chaired similar meetings and yep, that sort of behaviour would usually result in a dismissal

I am unsure why he can't contact his Union rep though unless this is also someone he has harassed too? I wound imagine most unions would refuse to support someone in that situation.

He's being vague because he knows the truth will start a series of events there's no way back from. He's being a coward by not being honest.

And yeah, the victim blaming is not on.

Going off sick, often with stress, is a common way of avoiding the meetings. However, if he does that he will go on to sick pay, which is usually very low.

Why are you ignoring everyone asking you why you are blaming her?!

Sounds like they had some sort of relationship and she stopped it or nipped it in the bud. Basically, he is obsessed with her and he is a stalker.

Sounds like he needs some psychiatric help. You need to look at what benefits you are entitled to. Stalking and harassing another woman would be the very end for me. I would want nothing to do with an unhinged man who stalks women.

I think your husband is very likely to be dismissed.

This must be an awful shock for you, OP, and I am sure your head is spinning. But you need to face facts. His behaviour is extremely concerning. It’s not just unprofessional, it’s obsessive and frightening. He needs help. Maybe away from the family home to give you Soave to process this.

Give you space

OP I don't think you know your husband. The man he actually is underneath is scary. I think you should contact a professional body like women's aid for advice. Sadly you need to be mindful of you and children's safety as I'm sure this feels like end of days stuff to him.

I think your energies would be better spent thinking about why you're even entertaining the possibility of staying with him after such shocking allegations.

The real elephant in the room is what condition is your relationship in that he got in a situation like this pestering another woman in the first place? I honestly don't see how your relationship can survive this. Clearly things were already going on you didn't know about and it may have gone much further already. It's not like he's going to tell you the truth afterall.

OP with the messages you’ve found and what you have said, he is stalking a woman- he may or may not have had a relationship with her but that’s beside the point.
How can you want yourself or your kids anywhere near him?
Yes he could be sacked but that may well not be enough to end his stalking of this women and you probably won’t know he is still stalking her as he will get sneakier and sneakier at hiding it. Even he did leave this woman alone, he could find another and start the process all over again.
Honestly, how can you even stand to be in the same house? Stand to have your kids around him?
Has he talked about the texts and messages to the woman? Has he owned up to it or denying it (although how can he work the messages right there?)

Quite. How on earth she thinks this is survivable is baffling. It doesn't get much worse. He isn't some helpless misguided youngster. He has several children one of which is still a baby. Unforgivable.

Eh? A relationship can be in a perfect ‘condition’ and seem very loving but your partner can still be a
wrong-un and you might never know- until you know.
Dont blame the OP for her partners behaviour. The fault lies squarely with him and him alone.

They don't have to let him have a companion at an investigation meeting, only at the disciplinary hearing. Unfortunately sensing harassing messages to a colleague over a 2 year period is almost certainly likely to end in dismissal. You really do need to start planning for him losing his job now, it doesn't matter what his performance is like in other areas. This could potentially be a criminal matter 💐

The real elephant in the room is what condition is your relationship in that he got in a situation like this pestering another woman in the first place?

Dafuq?

This isn't the victim's fault, but it sure as hell isn't OP's fault due to some kind of deficit in the relationship.

Many men who go to prison for obsessive stalking had wives or girlfriends to whom they behaved perfectly "normally". Some serial killers too. Bad people lie about things.

This is a very good point. OP, your world has crashed, so you can imagine hiw he must feel. Not only has he been forced to face the reality of his obsession, but also faces the loss of his career, reputation and family. I also think there's a risk he was not entirely well already. In your position I'd be looking to take the children elsewhere for a while at least. And yes, contact women's aid for advice.