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Original poster

Does it matter that my staff think I lack empathy?

125 replies

DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 22:35

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 06/03/2022 22:37

The fact that you are asking says it all.

FleurDeLizz · 06/03/2022 22:38

@FinallyFluid

The fact that you are asking says it all.
How does it?
purpleme12 · 06/03/2022 22:38

Yes it matters
Although it must be more to it than not asking about how the exam went

Original poster
DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 22:38

@FinallyFluid

The fact that you are asking says it all.
Does it because I'm unsure which side that comes down on?
OP posts:
Arriettyborrower · 06/03/2022 22:39

Yes it does, but I strongly feel you are either an empathetic person or you are not, it is very difficult to train.

What other feedback did you get?

LifeIsBusy · 06/03/2022 22:39

I also scored very low with regards to empathy and I had to agree with it... I am empathetic with regards to real life situations and only really from a practical point of view which I think is appropriate for a work place.

WTF475878237NC · 06/03/2022 22:40

How do you imagine a manager lacking in empathy so significantly everyone feels it may impact on a workforce? Read up about compassionate leadership and see what you think.

Arriettyborrower · 06/03/2022 22:40

Also, I think you are conflating being supportive with being empathetic

TheFabulousSamathaJones · 06/03/2022 22:41

Yep, it matters. It’s an important leadership trait.

What do they mean though when they say you lack it and how does it manifest itself in your interactions with them ? I

I think you need to understand more before you can decide what to do tbh.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 22:41

@purpleme12

Yes it matters Although it must be more to it than not asking about how the exam went
Yes, I expect so, but I don't know what they want from me. In every practical way I listen to and act on their worries, support their career development, very rarely say no any personal requests. There are times I have to deliver hard messages on behalf of the company, but they must know that doesn't come from me.
OP posts:
Wigeon · 06/03/2022 22:43

Personally if I scored my boss low on empathy I wouldn’t mean that she isn’t interested in my personal life and didn’t remember my anniversary dinner etc. That’s too transactional - I would think it would be some funny a bit subtler and more genuine. But it’s hard to know what your team means - and bear in mind different people in the team might mean something different, even if several of them scored you the same on empathy.

I’d directly ask a couple of them: “thanks very much for taking part in my 360 review. I’m working on my areas for development and one of the things I know people perceive is that I’m not very empathetic. If you feel comfortable, why do you think that might be? Are there any examples you can think of where I wasn’t very empathetic and could have been more so?”

Even if the 360 was anonymous, I think you can ask this of anyone - even colleagues who didn’t score you that low on empathy probably have a good idea as to why others see you as lower in empathy.

Wigeon · 06/03/2022 22:49

Interesting article from Forbes on empathy in leadership. Does any of this chime in terms of what you could be doing more of?

Hercisback · 06/03/2022 22:50

Empathy isn't about their dates, music exam, kids. It's about feeling things alongside them. One could argue noone can be truly empathetic as we haven't t all had the exact same life experiences. However for me it would be about you understanding and caring about how people feel.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 22:52

@Hercisback

Empathy isn't about their dates, music exam, kids. It's about feeling things alongside them. One could argue noone can be truly empathetic as we haven't t all had the exact same life experiences. However for me it would be about you understanding and caring about how people feel.
Yes, I would say I do feel strongly alongside them, but that doesn't always mean I can change what needs to happen. Sometimes I have to follow something through even though I know they won't like it or even that it disadvantages them.
OP posts:
TheVillageShop · 06/03/2022 22:56

You sound empathic to me and it sounds like your review went well. The fact you are posting here shows to me you are interested enough to care.

Being overly empathic can be overwhelming and is rarely helpful in a business environment, and is probably more hindrance than help in most jobs where you are paid to get on with things without being distracted and upset by internal politics and colleagues' personal issues.

If you work in a caring profession empathy is probably more important than in the commercial world. But even there you need to park it outside the room to avoid being overloaded with other people's troubles.

WTF475878237NC · 06/03/2022 22:57

Empathy doesn't mean being able to change anything. It speaks to the human part of you, that can recognise and respond with compassion to the lived experience of others and what they're going through. There is so much research on this being a key trait of successful leaders. This isn't about the practical at all. It's on a completely different (relational) level.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 22:57

For example, there was recently a pay restructure. Bands became narrower, it was the right thing to do (equal pay for equal work) but it disadvantaged people who've been in the role for a long time (including me). I absolutely understood why people were upset, but I couldn't change it.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 06/03/2022 22:58

Perhaps it's about verbalising that to them (if you don't already). Also make sure it looks like you are trying/have tried to change things for people. Empty words can be frustrating too.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 23:00

I know that's what empathy means, but I wonder if they think that because I couldn't/didn't do anything in the face of their concerns that makes me not empathetic. I really did feel the restructure thing very deeply, it was one of the hardest times of my career but, but I still had to deliver the message.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 06/03/2022 23:01

In your example above I'd have said something like 'I know this policy change does disadvantage some of us, including me, so I understand partly how you feel. Whilst it is frustrating for those of us that feel we have lost out, overall the policy does lead to a fairer pay structure'.

Sayitisnotso · 06/03/2022 23:02

I would mark my manager zero for empathy... how it looks like in practice is that while she may say ohh / ahhh/ ahh dear/ that’s not good etc etc when u share an issue/ problem she absolutely always continues with her objective regardless of what is presented before her. Example - So we have an event planned, one day- 4 staff involved, car accident happens on way to event venue night before , 2 staff injured, 1 staff comes down with COVID, 1 staff well- manager informed of all this as it happens- doesn’t enquire about colleagues in hospital/ COVID other than ah oh dear that’s terrible ( surface ) and straight into ok continue the event on your own, no discussion, no how are U feeling about doing that etc . When challenged about this at later date she considers she was solution focused...
She would say she is empathic, she rarely turns down personal requests, knows staff kids names etc but it is so so obvious to staff it’s all lip service and the truth is she always has her own agenda, little flexibility.

Jobsharenightmare · 06/03/2022 23:02

Look up training at the King's Fund. Empathy is about recognition and validation, and not problem solving or changing things.

Hellorhighwater · 06/03/2022 23:03

@FinallyFluid

The fact that you are asking says it all.
This, because empathy is understanding what matters to others, especially if it doesn’t matter to you.
midlifecrash · 06/03/2022 23:04

What do they mean by it, is what it comes down to, if you’re supportive, approachable, fair and take responsibility - are there particular aspects of the job that they don’t think you really experience yourself e.g. a really clunky database you don’t have to use, other failing tech, HR or finance departments interacting differently with you because you are a manager?

purpleme12 · 06/03/2022 23:06

Our manager actually asked us why we'd scored her low
So that she could address it. Some of things were actually things that were beyond her control, that were put in place above her so she could discuss it with us and others she could work with
(This wasn't about empathy just to note)