Does it matter that my staff think I lack empathy?

[DetailMouse]

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

I just read this as all very transactional, very hierarchical and reminds me of management styles from yesteryear. The leader doesn't always have to be the most knowledgeable, they don't have to be the best individual, they need to lead. Everyone within a team has value and has something to offer, after all we are all different but we are all equal. Yes as the leader of a team you have more responsibility, usually more insight to the overall picture but it doesn't mean we can't be part of the team, we don't have to have segregation, even when delivering hard messages. All that said, the same applies to you, so the art of being a great leader is the push pull balance, how much do the team need to meet your style and how much do you adapt yours to get the best out of them. As said by others, really don't overthink this, all feedback is a gift, be aware of it, be curious about it but also remember that you have great strengths that led to you being in this job in the first place

I asked does it matter because I wonder if it matters to them

Then ask them.

It’s the bits when you’re saying “I just have to deliver hard messages, it’s not my doing”, type thing. I wonder how you go about that?

Straight away you sound quite defensive and maybe those are the times you actually need to be empathetic.

It goes a long way to just listening to staff and their concerns - even if you can’t change them. They’ll know that if you’re clear about it. They’ll also know it if you try and accommodate - even if that means just escalating their concerns, even if nothing comes of it. As opposed to just imposing something that you have to.

For example, in the pay structure example, I would have spent time listening to the team’s concerns and then feeding that back. Just do senior management are aware. Then you can feed back to them the outcome, even if it’s no change to their plans.

You mention you feel empathy, I'm wondering do you communicate those feelings? I wouldn't realise you had empathy for a particular situation I was in, if you didn't convey it to me. And by convey it, I don't mean just a quick 'I know this must be hard...' or 'I appreciate this isn't great, I'm in the same boat...' comment. To feel like some has empathised with me, I'd expect something a deeper...

@Watchkeys

I asked does it matter because I wonder if it matters to them

Then ask them.

As PPs have said, you can't ask staff to fill in a anonymous feedback form and then challenge them on the results

I think you may be a bit similar to me OP, although I seem to have developed more natural empathy as I get older, or perhaps just more a sense of what the right thing to say is.

So say in the example of the staff member with sick parent. I'd try to remember to check in with them a bit more often than normal and ask them how it's going.

Also it's about what you say, not just about what you do. So it is frustrating when someone goes awol or has family issues when it's busy, but I try to convey the message that their health and family are more important than work, and I think people appreciate that.

It doesn't come naturally to me. I had a good win yesterday when talking to a colleague that I don't often work with and remembered an important personal matter. She positively beamed at being asked about it which made me feel good.

Meh, I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. Some people naturally come across as warm and empathetic and some people don't. Personally I think forced empathy/overacting in that regard is worse than being genuine.

It sounds like you're getting pretty much everything else right. Maybe read some articles OK empathetic leadership and then see if your responses naturally change towards your colleagues.

I genuinely think people expect too much from management - everyone has faults and a manager can't be everything at once.

Nobody is suggesting you challenge anybody. The point of feedback forms is to highlight stuff, so that you can do something about it. You can act on the results.

So, do something completely unrelated to the feedback form, like a meeting or course or a different anonymous survey about how them might like things to be different in terms of staff/management relationships, get them to make suggestions or express when they've been dissatisfied, get them talking about and thinking about empathy, in general, and what they'd like to change.

There's really no point in having feedback forms at all if you're not willing to act on what you learn from them; that's what they're for.

What you're doing is saying 'Some people have commented that they have trouble with the stairs, do you think the stairs bother them?', when really it would be more effective to ask everybody (anonymously if you like, or get someone else to ask them) how they would prefer the stairs situation to be.

The fact that you think that resolving an issue amongst your staff automatically means challenging people may be indicative, here.

I also think people expect their boss to be their friend, confidante, counsellor and sometimes mother. You are probably as empathetic as everyone else, but your primary responsibility is to ensure that the company runs well, legally, safely, etc… If you don’t have adequate boundaries, not only will you have no authority when you need to use it, but you will foster a group-think with entitlement as an objective rather than work. You could also find yourself bogged down with other people’s issues and create mental health needs of your own. You’re not there to think for them. You’re not there to nurture them emotionally. You’re there to ensure that the business is running smoothly, safely, legally, etc. If they are needing empathy, you can refer them for counselling.

I think there's a limit to how empathetic a manager should be, given that the reality is that a manager has to take hard decisions at times and has to have high expectations. I remember once working with a manager whose style definitely wouldn't have been mine, but who got good results from his staff. I concluded that what seemed to me unreasonable at times was actually down to setting high standards and assuming the staff would make the effort to reach them - and it worked.

These things are a complete and utter waste of time.
Your staff have ticked a box to say you score low on empathy despite scoring you well on being supportive and approachable - how is that even possible? You now have no idea why and can't ask anyone as it's anonymous. It's left you questioning yourself with no idea what to do about it. What was the fucking point?

Who knows what their interpretation of empathy is, it's one of those wishy washy, non concrete concepts that people often struggle to put into words and pin down. It could be that you don't have enough empathy that they struggle with getting up in the morning and should be more understanding that that's why they're late to work every day. It could literally be anything.

This sort of quantitative data looks nice in a graph, outside of that it has very little use in enabling anyone to understand how they could improve anything.

I asked does it matter because I wonder if it matters to them.

This is a very fair question. I've worked for some great managers whom I wouldn't describe as empathic. You really need more from HR about whether it was a criticism or simply a neutral description of your management style. I think the sort of organisation you work for will also make a difference here- my background is in corporate law.

360 feedback can be useful but it needs to be given in context and with support. It's also an absolute disaster when it comes to implicit bias and I would expect a large organisation to track and adjust for this. (From my own experience, I sometimes noticed a tendency among some junior staff to describe female partners as bitches, cows etc for doing things which would be unremarked upon from male partners, while those women who didn't do those things generally didn't become partners- the Hillary Clinton problem).

I strongly feel you need to be doing things through HR and that PP who are telling you to address it directly with staff are giving you bad advice, even if you pretend it is unrelated to the 360 exercise. The fact is, it is not unrelated. By all means discuss with HR how far you can raise your questions with staff but I suspect they will be very concerned about this, as it really undermines the whole exercise and staff confidence in the anonymity of the process.

I wonder what sort of organisations some of the posters work for. Some companies are better than others, but most companies employees are just commodities, who do what they are told. Why the need for empathy?

OP is paid to lead, manage. Of course compassion, say when pp's dad got notified of cancer, but compassion and empathy are different things.

I disagree with Iggly : "For example, in the pay structure example, I would have spent time listening to the team’s concerns and then feeding that back. Just do senior management are aware. Then you can feed back to them the outcome, even if it’s no change to their plans."

What a waste of time. Did senior management ask for feedback re their new pay structure? Bet they didn't. Are they going to change it, bet they aren't!

Empathy is an innate skill that is extremely difficult to pick up. I would strongly suggest that you request the opportunity to attend some training in this, mostly to increase your confidence in being empathetic and to provide you with knowledge around boundary setting when it comes to empathy and sympathy in the workplace. Your employer should not be initiating a 360 review and then leaving you to flounder with the results; that’s not fair on you or your team.

Often when we think we are empathetic, what we’re doing is being sympathetic which ironically can lead to a massive disconnect between Manager and Employee. It’s often driven by a need to pay lip service or platitudes to a circumstance before bulldozing ahead with a specific agenda.

I've found with my line reports that me saying 'I'm sorry, it does sound crap' when they complain about something they're finding difficult does seem to help. I might then have to explain that I can't change it, or if possible can talk to them about ways I can help (however minor), but the initial acknowledgement of how they're feeling does seem to make them feel like they're not shouting into the wind. My own LM does this with me and I appreciate it. If its not something you already do, maybe try that?

I'm with Gowithme. Sounds like a load of bullshit. How can you be 'supportive and approachable', but zero 'empathy'. That sentence in itself doesn't make any sense.

I strongly feel you need to be doing things through HR and that PP who are telling you to address it directly with staff are giving you bad advice, even if you pretend it is unrelated to the 360 exercise

Why would anybody have to pretend anything? It's perfectly feasible to say 'Off the back of the 360 exercise, we are taking the following actions...' Finding out what's bothering them can be done via any means (directly, via HR, smoke signals, whatever is appropriate to the organisation) but asking them, somehow, is the key. If you want to know what's bothering people, strangers on the internet who aren't in the situation can't really tell you what's at the bottom of it, any more than you can tell another poster why someone criticised them.

Sounds like a bunch of shitheels had to find a reason to score you down on some meaningless metric and they all picked empathy as it's an easy metric to score people down on.

"When I was ill, she didn't care, she just wanted me to be back to work" well, no shit Sherlock, managers should be focussed on getting the work done.

Next time they ring up with some shit sob story, tell them you empathize with their situation and you'll empathetically be sending their P45 as quick as you can. 🤪

@butterflyfox

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team. .

Oh God no. Don't put them in this position. This is just self-indulgent twaddle, and be seen as inviting reassurance and praise.

I sometimes noticed a tendency among some junior staff to describe female partners as bitches, cows etc I have to that kind of language or feedback would not be tolerated in our workplace. Feedback needs to be both constructive and evidenced. You can't just say someone behaves like a bitch - no wonder these processes don't work.

@MaryAndHerNet

Sounds like a bunch of shitheels had to find a reason to score you down on some meaningless metric and they all picked empathy as it's an easy metric to score people down on.

"When I was ill, she didn't care, she just wanted me to be back to work" well, no shit Sherlock, managers should be focussed on getting the work done.

Next time they ring up with some shit sob story, tell them you empathize with their situation and you'll empathetically be sending their P45 as quick as you can. 🤪

Wow. Or it could be that OP lacks empathy. Focussing only on getting the work done is a terrible management style. Your advice must be tongue in cheek?

Our work asked our team for why they thought this that and the other when they got the results of an anonymous survey back. When the result was poor
So they could work on them and improve the results

@Oblomov22

I wonder what sort of organisations some of the posters work for. Some companies are better than others, but most companies employees are just commodities, who do what they are told. Why the need for empathy?

OP is paid to lead, manage. Of course compassion, say when pp's dad got notified of cancer, but compassion and empathy are different things.

I disagree with Iggly : "For example, in the pay structure example, I would have spent time listening to the team’s concerns and then feeding that back. Just do senior management are aware. Then you can feed back to them the outcome, even if it’s no change to their plans."

What a waste of time. Did senior management ask for feedback re their new pay structure? Bet they didn't. Are they going to change it, bet they aren't!

🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s your opinion.

It takes longer to build up a good working relationship with a team but I think it’s worth the time and effort.

@DefiniteTortoise

I've found with my line reports that me saying 'I'm sorry, it does sound crap' when they complain about something they're finding difficult does seem to help. I might then have to explain that I can't change it, or if possible can talk to them about ways I can help (however minor), but the initial acknowledgement of how they're feeling does seem to make them feel like they're not shouting into the wind. My own LM does this with me and I appreciate it. If its not something you already do, maybe try that?

After many "I'm sorry it does sound crap" do you feel they stop believing you care? Especially if you're a line manager with very little ability to change anything? I've worked for managers like that and I've just seen them as weak...puppets.

Actually I'm thinking of a boss that I absolutely loved - we're still good friends- but had zero empathy.

She was brilliant at rallying everyone together and hammering through, but was very much a type A drive personality, whereas I am much more type B in that I have to watch out for warning signs of being overwhelmed when I have too much on. I got to that trigger point because my work load was too much and tried to have a discussion about it, and instead got a few lines on how I should try being more resilient and off she went to another meeting.

Thankfully she wasn't my actual line manager who was absolutely amazing- she used to volunteer for the Samaritans - and helped me through the crisis.

It unfortunately is just a fundamental flaw in my bosses character, despite the fact I'd helped her through her DFs serious illness and her DMs decline into dementia a few months earlier, she just couldn't see I had a valid cause for concern.

It wouldn't stop me working for her again - the highs outweighed that one character flaw - she also had a knack of figuring out what I was good at and letting my role develop in that direction. So I can see that you could be a great LM but not have empathy.