Does it matter that my staff think I lack empathy?

[DetailMouse]

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

My old boss lacked empathy. We did a difficult job and she lacked sincere connection about the difficulties faced while solutions and support seemed almost automated.

@Freemymind I mean in private conversation- I assume no one was writing "bitch" on the feedback form! But the underlying attitude certainly made it onto the form- low marks for empathy, approachability etc, whereas the male partners doing the same things got higher marks.

After many "I'm sorry it does sound crap" do you feel they stop believing you care? Especially if you're a line manager with very little ability to change anything? I've worked for managers like that and I've just seen them as weak...puppets.

Agree with this.

@purpleme12

Our work asked our team for why they thought this that and the other when they got the results of an anonymous survey back. When the result was poor So they could work on them and improve the results

We've had those surveys, it was lip service, nothing changed. It felt bad before the survey when they did nothing - but somehow much worse after they knew and still did nothing. Listening without action to resolve can come across as meaningless. Empathy can start to feel like manipulation.

What specifically were the questions about empathy? If you could find out what was asked you will be able to figure out what in particular is meant by empathy and your lack of in this situation.

OP, you mention that you feels things the same as people but don’t verbalise it. I would imagine this is where you are going wrong. Do you really understand how people feel? If so, how do they know this?

I had a line manager who was so efficient and who worked all the hours imaginable. She had zero empathy and, I would argue, was the worst boss I ever had. When she was clearly told to check on me it all felt creepy and insincere. Her interest was fake and she could not hide this, I ended up stepping down as I could not bear to work with her. There is no doubt she is good at her job but just terrible with people.

If you are like this then think about being a bit more people centred and not results focused. Have time to find out what is going on in people’s lives as this will have an effect on how they do their Jobs.

I think you have had a bit of a rude awakening but you can make this a real positive it you want.

As PPs have said, you can't ask staff to fill in a anonymous feedback form and then challenge them on the results

It isn't about challenge though. The idea is not to pick apart their comments and try and prove you are not what they have said. They have fedback how they view you. Asking for additional feedback is to understand what it is you do or don't do that makes you appear you lack empathy.

I have rarely worked with managers who are empathetic. The bottom line is, especially if you have managers above you, you are stuck in the middle of a sandwich at times. As a middle manager I had to impliment the policy decided upon by the senior managers. Often I didn't agree with it, or like it, but I had no choice. We all had to tow the line. Those I managed blamed me for it, and the senior managers were able to distance themselves from it and didn't have to put up with the complaining. The crap decisions impacted on me just as much as it did on those I managed - in fact they were most detrimental to me - but no one cares about that when they are being instructed to do things they don't want to do.

I think there is a thing as too much empathy. I don't want a manager crying alongside me when I am having a tough time. I want the to be doing their job well and allowing me to do mine. Some people who claim to be great at empathy really are not - they are grief grabbers. They love the drama and they really love being perceived as terribly empathetic.

I don't want my managers to be devoid of all emotion, but what I do want os for them to be open, honest and effective.

I have a line manager who comes across as not being very empathetic. It appears that she has been on a management training course and she doesn’t seem genuine.
She’s also a bit unnecessary with some things which comes across as uncaring. For example, a friend had a hospital appointment (on a non work day so no actual need to discuss with lm) and mentioned to lm that she might need some surgery. Lm response was “let me know if you’re going to be off work” and then afterwards emailed to ask if she knew when she would be off so her sickness cover could be arranged. As it happened she’s not having surgery at this stage so nothing to tell but the advance warning suggested that she was being open with lm and would share any relevant information.
I think actually she’s not very confident in the job rather than not being empathetic but her anxiety to get things “right” means she sometimes gets them wrong!

@Hercisback

In your example above I'd have said something like 'I know this policy change does disadvantage some of us, including me, so I understand partly how you feel. Whilst it is frustrating for those of us that feel we have lost out, overall the policy does lead to a fairer pay structure'.

Just to say, I don't know what OP's organisation is like in terms of pay structure honestly, but I would feel a bit resentful personally if I was struggling financially and someone higher on the pay scale than me, who I percieved as probably financially stable/comfortable, was saying that changes had also disadvantaged them. Because if you are on a higher income then being financially disadvantaged looks very different than if you are on the breadline.

Maybe this is just British/cultural squeamishness around money talk, but it reminds me of an offhand comment one of DH's bosses made about six months into the pandemic where they were saying oh yes, people are paying more for food and heating/electricity at home, but isn't it great that we're saving all this money on holidays and restaurants! It felt like no, not really. We couldn't afford holidays and loads of restaurants before, and in that context it felt incredibly tone deaf.

IMO you are there do do a job and your feedback suggests you are doing it well.

Does empathy matter? I would say no - if they want an understanding eat then IMO they should call a friend.

However your employer deemed the question relevant enough to add it in so go figure!

I don't know how much you can or even how much you want to improve your empathy as a manager - perhaps it's just helpful to know that it's not your strongest suit and be aware of what the impact of this might be. None of us is perfect and all have strengths and weaknesses. Part of being a good manager is probably to recognise your own strengths and weaknesses and to accept that we will always have weaknesses and that is ok. I think there is a lot to be said for playing to your strengths and developing those rather than focussing to much on addressing weaknesses as is promoted by many HR professionals.

I would guess that low empathy could potentially lead to problems of higher stress in your team, lack of loyalty, high turnover, higher absence rates, poorer communication, problems with implementing change. Other leadership strengths will mitigate these issues though.

In personal relationships and with family though I think lack of empathy has the potential to really undermine the relationship.

After reading what you've wrote, I have a feeling that if you were a male, you wouldn't have been marked down on empathy at all.

gowithme has it.

We have to do feedback for our company. A very small part of that is about management. It is a total waste of money and energy and a tick box exercise for show.

Just as well they don’t have a box for empathy.

Or honesty and integrity come to that.

@Notcreativeatall

I don't think we ask about empathy in our 360. we get a lot of bullshit empathy - currently lots of discussions about our wellness- people's work life balance- how to make everyone happier etc- hours of our time generally led by HR- Its total hotair- there are a couple of key things that could change (ie hot desking) and make everyone happier but they aren't on the table. Equally going back to the office- at the end of the day senior management don't actually care about how it makes us feel- they show empathy by discussing all the potential upsides and downsides but this doesn't matter as they will want us back in for business reasons. Fake empathy is worse than no empathy. i'd actually rather someone was supportive and honest rather than much platitudes

This.

My organisation prides itself on it's focus on wellbeing etc. I know full well that some of the people leading this are showing an interest for their own personal career development and actually have zero understanding if you were to approach them personally.

A lot of our directors pretend to have empathy, however, this is something I think you either have or don't have. It's not something you can learn.

@butterflyfox

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team. .

Oh my goodness don't do that!

Absolutely do not under by circumstances ask your team members why they rated you poorly on empathy!!!!!

But if it’s bothering you, do seek guidance from HR or your own line manager. Questions to ask them: how do they suggest you use this information to inform your work? Can they provide any further guidance on the specifics of the feedback? Can they offer any training or support on this?

There is not much point doing 360 degree feedback if there is no follow-up in terms of helping managers address their weak areas. But that is something for your manager and HR to worry about - if they have no follow-up to offer then please don’t spend your time worrying about it.

And yes it is definitely true that women are expected to show more empathy than men. Would be interested to know what kind of feedback your male colleagues got.

@Justilou1

I also think people expect their boss to be their friend, confidante, counsellor and sometimes mother. You are probably as empathetic as everyone else, but your primary responsibility is to ensure that the company runs well, legally, safely, etc… If you don’t have adequate boundaries, not only will you have no authority when you need to use it, but you will foster a group-think with entitlement as an objective rather than work. You could also find yourself bogged down with other people’s issues and create mental health needs of your own. You’re not there to think for them. You’re not there to nurture them emotionally. You’re there to ensure that the business is running smoothly, safely, legally, etc. If they are needing empathy, you can refer them for counselling.

Exactly this. Well said @Justilou1. Give yourself some slack OP - you sound like a great manager

@butterflyfox

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team. .

Sorry but this reminded of me this Dilbert strip

@butterflyfox

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team.

Oh my god please nobody ever do this! It would be so unprofessional and completely undermine the concept of an anonymous feedback exercise. It would damage employer / employee relations and do the opposite of building trust.

www.forbes.com/sites/tracybrower/2021/09/19/empathy-is-the-most-important-leadership-skill-according-to-research/

@DetailMouse

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

I think people have different perspectives as to their view on empathy, I'd say as long as your friendly and try to help when possible, that's the main thing.

I think what would matter to me more is being referred to as “my staff”. I used to have a boss who would introduce me as “this is Lalliella, she works for me” umm no I don’t, I work for XYZ company.

My honest opinion is the fact you’ve been told this by pretty much them all and you’ve shown a total lack of empathy and said well I think I do.

@Lalliella

I think what would matter to me more is being referred to as “my staff”. I used to have a boss who would introduce me as “this is Lalliella, she works for me” umm no I don’t, I work for XYZ company.

This is always a difficult one - we own the company, we refer to people we employ as "the "company name" team/one of the "company name" team" and we would say "this is Lalliella, she works with me/us/she's my colleague". Maybe we overthink it!😂