Does it matter that my staff think I lack empathy?

[DetailMouse]

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

An example - recently I was in hospital and in a great deal of pain, I was crying. Nurse comes into my room and tells me I have to calm down, my response at being told to calm down was to get more upset.
Now she had understood the problem, she had listened and solved it as it became apparent later that she was holding some very strong pain relief for me but her inability to verbalise empathy caused me quite a bit of distress - she only had to say I understand you’re in pain these will help. Instead what I heard was shut up you’re making too much noise it’s embarrassing everyone, I felt shut down and dismissed.
I’d have quite happily taken the fake empathy on that occasion, I wasn’t robust enough for a dose of shut up and get on with it.

This is tricky. I'm not naturally very empathetic - super pragmatic and practical, and I don't like to get into emotions at work. I must be doing something ok though because I recently ranked really high for 'kindness' and I do do a lot of the 'this is going to suck, how can we make it easier?'.

However, I have managed a few people who are total empaths, and they would definitely say I wasn't empathetic. But it's been to their detriment at work- a lot of overinvolvement in others' issues, random crying, putting themselves out so much for others it impacts on their own mental health. One of them had been good friends with her previous LM who had indulged a lot of it- whereas I'm more- ok, you're off sick, please look after yourself, do you need anything and what should we cancel/cover? Instead of getting into the detail of her feeling terrible about moving a meeting.

So it probably depends on your team! If you did well elsewhere I wouldn't agonise.

I'm hearing you, and I'm equally pleased to be out of a corporate role.

This week one of our adult DC told me their workplace has a peer review for someone heading officially out of the door. Its a legal process the company has to do.

Far out, I would hate as an employee to know there are (and he does know) peer reviews out there on my work.

From that, I think workplace laws have gone way too far and peer reviews are not fair at all. It's just like the odd version of hanging someone isn't it... ?

I'd say my boss lacks empathy, but as someone above said she can be practically supportive. As an example, she'll ask how I'm doing but clearly isn't interested in the answer. Unlike with my previous boss, this means we don't have the sort of relationship where I'd be comfortable talking about the little niggles - I wouldn't talk to her about being at I'm at the coping but finding things hard stage.

She also has a tendency to fire off emails about perfectly valid things, but written in a way they cause worry. She doesn't seem to have the ability to think through how other people might feel about what she's saying and how it might be misinterpreted.

Depending on exactly how the questions were phrased I could see her being scored as approachable but lacking empathy - because you can talk to her when you have to, but it's at a much more transactional level.

Can I say first off I think it’s very admirable of you asking so please ignore any negative posts.
Can I just point out to you to help you - from the questions you asked about anniversaries etc - I don’t think you understand what empathy is. Empathy is more about showing you understand some’s problem. Problem being the important word. To help you try and paraphrase what people are saying back to them when they come to you with problems. Ie I am struggling with my deadlines as my child has been sick. Response I am sorry your child has been sick that must be tricky for you let’s talk about what we can do with the deadline. Good luck

Didn't they give you examples? Are you in a customer focused role where you are speaking to customers or is this purely with other staff?

I also lack empathy which is why I wouldn't want line managent responsibility for anyone.
For instance, I think most people's excuses for missing work or arriving late are a bit pathetic and they make me do an internal eye roll!
Are you a bit like that perhaps OP?

When you ask 'Does it matter?', what are you actually asking? There isn't a higher body that decides which things matter and which things don't. Something mattering is about the feelings of individuals; it probably matters to some of your team and not to others.

If you're a manager, and you think something is bothering your team, find out a way of asking them to tell you how they'd like things to be different. Asking whether 'it matters' makes it a generic issue, and misses the point that you're dealing with the feelings of individuals here.

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team. .

I’d be bothered about a manager’s ‘lack of empathy’ if they stuck to policy rigidly at the expense of listening properly to concerns or ideas, were self focused and weren’t prepared to try and understand my point of view about situations affecting my work.
Without dismissing your colleagues’ views, I wonder if people sometimes misunderstand what the term means, particularly in a work context.

@CrabbyCat

I'd say my boss lacks empathy, but as someone above said she can be practically supportive. As an example, she'll ask how I'm doing but clearly isn't interested in the answer. Unlike with my previous boss, this means we don't have the sort of relationship where I'd be comfortable talking about the little niggles - I wouldn't talk to her about being at I'm at the coping but finding things hard stage.

She also has a tendency to fire off emails about perfectly valid things, but written in a way they cause worry. She doesn't seem to have the ability to think through how other people might feel about what she's saying and how it might be misinterpreted.

Depending on exactly how the questions were phrased I could see her being scored as approachable but lacking empathy - because you can talk to her when you have to, but it's at a much more transactional level.

This is a very good explanation I think.

Being too practical can be a way of shutting down other people's ordinary feelings in the workplace.

Getting the best out of people requires both the practical and the emotional.

@butterflyfox

Ask them. Schedule a team meeting. Thank them for taking time to share their feedback which will really help you with your personal development. Show courage and vulnerability by openly sharing your full report. As them for specific examples of why they scored you highly on some topics. What you need to keep on doing or do more of. Ask them to give examples of what it would be helpful for you to do more of or stop doing on all topics not just the empathy one . Be really careful to just listen during the meeting. You can ask clarifying questions but be careful not to respond or defend. If you have a good hr partner we they could also help facilitate this meeting. If you do this welll this will do a lot to build trust and engagement in the team. .

You can't do this with a confidential 360! The whole point is it is confidential.

I would raise a bloody complaint if someone called a meeting about a confidential 360 process.

She also has a tendency to fire off emails about perfectly valid things, but written in a way they cause worry. She doesn't seem to have the ability to think through how other people might feel about what she's saying and how it might be misinterpreted

This (and the many other great examples on given here). Empathy is commonly understood to be the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understanding how they might feel. Remembering anniversaries has nothing to do with empathy.

Interesting.
I wonder what employees expect. I too wonder what they meant OP. Don't worry the thing is they all said it.

But to sayitisnot complaint re manager being focused on the task - that is what I would expect. A solution. If 4 people are in hospitable, obviously that's not great, but you then have to move on and deal with the job in hand. 4 people are now not going to deliver the job that the customer is expecting and the manager has to deal with that. Has to be matter of fact about things, deal with a job in hand. who cares about the empathy? her first job is to rearrange stuff to get the product delivered.

I wonder if this is a somewhat sexist question in the survey.
My sense is we expect a lot more empathy from women than we do from men.

@rookiemere

I wonder if this is a somewhat sexist question in the survey. My sense is we expect a lot more empathy from women than we do from men.

It is not a sexist question.

Undoubtedly there will be sexism at play in the replies, as there will be in all answers to all trait questions.

An example of empathy.
I had to cancel my clinics this week because my DH had a stroke at the weekend. He was discharged on Monday but only if I could be at home.
I spoke to my boss, but because he couldn’t take my call in private he had to be business like and practical to protect confidentiality. He phoned me back later, in private to express his concern and talk about the episode. And let me talk which is more important.
Empathy is a very subjective area, some people are happy with a simple enquiry of how they are feeling/doing, others feel they need full on hand holding.

I wouldn’t overthink this is everything else was positive. Can you see the questions and how they were answered or do you just get an overview of the results? The question probably wasn’t ‘does your boss show empathy?’ but various sorts of vague scenarios which the people making the questionnaire have related to empathy. Did any other bosses have their teams complete the questionnaire and how did they do? It could also be that they scored low on empathy, it’s hard to know that each section is weighted equally or that there isn’t some sort of unintentional question bias in terms of how your team are answering.

@rookiemere

I wonder if this is a somewhat sexist question in the survey. My sense is we expect a lot more empathy from women than we do from men.

'Does this person have empathy' is not a sexist question.

If the people who answer it think that empathy is split differently between the sexes, then this may be represented in the answers.

Staff confidentiality comes before empathy so managers can sometimes appear lacking empathy. Protecting peoples privacy often alters our approach to a situation, particularly when it involves medical and personal information.
Also one staff members sudden absence primarily effects the working day for the rest of the staff. The managers roll is to keep the ship sailing not dive in and rescue the man overboard.
You can’t win really.

Maybe you have just got a shit employer, OP, and your staff are all wasting their lives doing "bullshit" jobs.

Your HR department is too powerful if it manages to force this crap out.

You just bore the brunt on the day.

@DetailMouse

I know that's what empathy means, but I wonder if they think that because I couldn't/didn't do anything in the face of their concerns that makes me not empathetic. I really did feel the restructure thing very deeply, it was one of the hardest times of my career but, but I still had to deliver the message.

It isn't about delivering the message though, it is about understanding the impact on those it affected. How they may feel devalued, might start feeling demotivated, angry at what happened etc and trying to help them with those feelings.

My former line manager had zero empathy. A few years ago my DF had had some tests and was going for the results and I rang my DM as I hadn't heard anything. I found out my DF had incurable cancer. I burst into tears in the office and ran to the toilets.

A few hours later (she had said nothing and I had never cried in work before so I assumed she knew something had upset me) we had a pre-booked one-to-one. She said my behaviour earlier was unprofessional and I cried again and explained. She...poked me and said have a glass of water and calm down.

All this when I had to listen to her talking about the trials of her hamster ( seriously)

That was a complete lack of empathy to me

My sense is we expect a lot more empathy from women than we do from men.

I completely agree. It may simply be that OP has a direct management style which would be completely unremarkable in a man, but which some employees find harder from a woman, as they expect something more touchy-feely.

OP, the feedback you’ve been given isn’t especially helpful. I’d go back to HR and ask to follow up- perhaps they can provide pointers on what people meant or arrange to get more detail. I think (depending on your organisation) asking your staff directly risks undermining the process. I’d also want some context from HR about how your feedback compares to other women at your level.

I’d also say that being supportive- your actual concrete actions- counts for more than being empathic. I’ve worked with people I’d call empathic but not supportive- they make you feel heard but then fail to follow up with any real action- and I’d say that was a great deal worse.

I asked does it matter because I wonder if it matters to them.

I think they like working for me. They know I'm, give lots of public praise when it's due but take responsibility for all mistakes in the team, tale action quickly whenever anyone's struggling with a workload, I'm very flexible when they need time for family things, I'm proactive in developing my staff's careers and finding and encouraging opportunities for them.

When asked the question they've said they don't find me empathetic, but I wonder whether they really want/need me to be. I give them the time to visit their sick mum, do they need or expect me to actually care about her, beyond how it affects what they need from me? And would they value that over all the things I actually do for them?

I agree actually, staff responses and expectations from male and female managers, over personal situations are very different.