Does it matter that my staff think I lack empathy?

[DetailMouse]

I had to do one of those 360 review things.

On the whole I scored very well. My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I think I am empathetic, in that I do feel it quite strongly when they are having struggles in or out of work, I do allow a lot of time for personal things (supportive?). I don't get over involved in their personal lives. I know their kids' and husbands' names, but I probably wouldn't remember to ask how their music exam or anniversary dinner went. Is that what they mean maybe?

Does it matter?

I think its fair to say that you can't be a wholly empathetic manager AND good at your job

My new boss lacks empathy and it's a huge frustration for us as team.

Every change that is communication is presented as fact with an attitude of that's just the way it is. It comes across as he is all about himself and doesn't care about the rest of us.

We would have a hell of a lot more respect for him, if he could even acknowledge the impact of changes and workload. If he could acknowledge and address concerns or even tell us know once in a while that he gets it from our perspective.

I would also say he is many of the things you describe, knowledgeable, fair, a good decision maker, approachable.

Are you cold, robotic and present everything in a logic, rational, professional manner without an feeling?

The difference between him and our last boss, is he would ask what do people think, has anyone any suggestions on how we make things easier, better, more efficient etc? Would speak to us as a group but also as a team.

Given it's unanimous feedback from your team. It is an issue and one you should seek to address.

Could it be that you "put your foot in it" verbally rather than anything else?

My boss tries to be caring by phoning us on shift and asking how our family members are but always puts his foot in it - he asked me how my school aged children were when he rang me at the end of my third double shift of half term and I told him they were not very happy that I'd spent their half term including both weekends covering for colleagues and barely seen them - he replied "oh I know, I'm working from home because my daughter's bored, I'll have to take her out for a nice lunch or something". Similarly he schedules a team meeting for Monday morning (we're a 24/7/365 workplace but he's Monday to Friday 9-5) and sits opposite the colleague who's just come off a night shift trying to empathise with them - by complaining that he's tired because he was up late watching a film or similar.

Sometimes its better just to agree a situation is difficult/ rubbish and stop there ...

Do know how the survey is scored?
I complete these in work and recently learned that in questions with 7 possible ranked answered only the 1, 4 and 7 answers affect the scores when results are compiled.
So you may not be scoring as badly as you think.

I think the empathy people look for from a manager is an authentic and considered understanding of their pressures, experiences and motivations at work. Not necessarily asking them about their personal life when it comes to kids' tests, family stuff etc.

Interesting feedback!
I wonder if you’re efficient and not very smiley. The rest of the feedback doesn’t suggest you’re not empathetic- how can you be approachable and not empathetic?!
I noticed this about the restructure “I absolutely understood why people were upset, but I couldn't change it.” Did that mean you didn’t acknowledge their upset?

Yes, I expect so, but I don't know what they want from me.
Have you asked them?
I would have an informal meeting with them and ask. What can I do for you that I haven't done? ( or 1-1)
( Maybe they are intimidated by you and won't offer anything.)
They also may think that the Information you are giving to them comes from YOU not upper management.
Something is going on that you haven't picked up on if they each feel this way OP.

How does your organisation define empathy - are people given guidance before scoring? It all seems very strange that you are seen as supportive and approachable but not empathetic - it feels like there is something very specific they are thinking about - maybe an event - maybe it is about the narrowing of paygrades as you mentioned, it's important that you find out what this is, because it does seem to matter to them and I'm guessing it's making you question your approach.

Maybe they are intimidated by you and won't offer anything They scored her highly for being approachable.

@Getmeoutaherenow

Maybe they are intimidated by you and won't offer anything They scored her highly for being approachable.

Oh that's right...I forgot. thank you !

What will be your plan to address the issue? Our senior manager had the same result when we did our review, and her response was to hold a coffee morning where she introduced the session by saying "we're all adults who want to do a good job, I don't think we're really here to 'make friends' are we", and that summed it up.

It's so important to have a high empathy score. Our senior management's low empathy scores had been ignored and dismissed for several years, until it snowballed into abnormally high numbers of absence due to stress, and then we had 2 suicides in one year.

It snowballs. I think knowing people's names or personal details is irrelevant tbh, most people just see that as leaders' tactics for appearing like they care, in order to get more work/loyalty out of their employees.

The proof is how you respond to your colleague's bad times. Rather than anniversaries, knowing who's parents are ill, who's going through a breakup, who's partner has lost their job, etc is more important.

Fixing problems isn’t showing empathy.

It would matter a lot for me in my work environment. I would rather they said a hundred other things rather than that I had no empathy.

Although I suppose it depends on where you work. I’m a nurse, it’s important to me.

@Sayitisnotso

I would mark my manager zero for empathy... how it looks like in practice is that while she may say ohh / ahhh/ ahh dear/ that’s not good etc etc when u share an issue/ problem she absolutely always continues with her objective regardless of what is presented before her. Example - So we have an event planned, one day- 4 staff involved, car accident happens on way to event venue night before , 2 staff injured, 1 staff comes down with COVID, 1 staff well- manager informed of all this as it happens- doesn’t enquire about colleagues in hospital/ COVID other than ah oh dear that’s terrible ( surface ) and straight into ok continue the event on your own, no discussion, no how are U feeling about doing that etc . When challenged about this at later date she considers she was solution focused... She would say she is empathic, she rarely turns down personal requests, knows staff kids names etc but it is so so obvious to staff it’s all lip service and the truth is she always has her own agenda, little flexibility.

Totally relate to this.

My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I struggle to understand how you can be all those things listed AND lacking in empathy. Unless it's a case of they feel like you let them have time off or whatever but you roll your eyes because they need it?

@DetailMouse

I know that's what empathy means, but I wonder if they think that because I couldn't/didn't do anything in the face of their concerns that makes me not empathetic. I really did feel the restructure thing very deeply, it was one of the hardest times of my career but, but I still had to deliver the message.

Could you perhaps be so good at focussing on the job in hand and being professional in a difficult situation, that your upset with the situation isn't apparent? Perhaps acknowledging that it's a difficult situation and you don't like what has to be done will help them accept the necessary changes. By 'acknowledging', I mean at the start of each individual conversation rather than in a blanket announcement or email.

You'd also need to give them time to respond emotionally to what you are saying, before moving on to more pragmatic matters.

Does that sound possible?

Yes. You sound like my manager. Ffs.

tbh as a responder I'd skip that question, as the concept of empathy is horseshit!

I don't think we ask about empathy in our 360.
we get a lot of bullshit empathy - currently lots of discussions about our wellness- people's work life balance- how to make everyone happier etc- hours of our time generally led by HR- Its total hotair- there are a couple of key things that could change (ie hot desking) and make everyone happier but they aren't on the table. Equally going back to the office- at the end of the day senior management don't actually care about how it makes us feel- they show empathy by discussing all the potential upsides and downsides but this doesn't matter as they will want us back in for business reasons. Fake empathy is worse than no empathy.
i'd actually rather someone was supportive and honest rather than much platitudes

@DetailMouse

For example, there was recently a pay restructure. Bands became narrower, it was the right thing to do (equal pay for equal work) but it disadvantaged people who've been in the role for a long time (including me). I absolutely understood why people were upset, but I couldn't change it.

You keep talking about not being able to change things.

What has that to do with empathy?

Empathy is most needed when facing the things we can't change.

You say you know what empathy is, but you do not seem to from your responses.

@BlingLoving

My staff think I'm supportive, knowledgeable, approachable, fair, take responsibility, a good decision maker etc but almost without exception I scored badly for empathy.

I struggle to understand how you can be all those things listed AND lacking in empathy. Unless it's a case of they feel like you let them have time off or whatever but you roll your eyes because they need it?

Managers can be practically supportive + emotionally distant.

@Wigeon

Personally if I scored my boss low on empathy I wouldn’t mean that she isn’t interested in my personal life and didn’t remember my anniversary dinner etc. That’s too transactional - I would think it would be some funny a bit subtler and more genuine. But it’s hard to know what your team means - and bear in mind different people in the team might mean something different, even if several of them scored you the same on empathy.

I’d directly ask a couple of them: “thanks very much for taking part in my 360 review. I’m working on my areas for development and one of the things I know people perceive is that I’m not very empathetic. If you feel comfortable, why do you think that might be? Are there any examples you can think of where I wasn’t very empathetic and could have been more so?”

Even if the 360 was anonymous, I think you can ask this of anyone - even colleagues who didn’t score you that low on empathy probably have a good idea as to why others see you as lower in empathy.

Please don't do this.

Please also don't become obsessed with this. You said that people who work under you rated you highly as a leader - leave it at that. You will ruin yourself pursuing this one area of "weakness" on the basis of a quiz a few people filled out. It's not magic. Treat it the same way you would an online personality quiz.

@Sayitisnotso

I would mark my manager zero for empathy... how it looks like in practice is that while she may say ohh / ahhh/ ahh dear/ that’s not good etc etc when u share an issue/ problem she absolutely always continues with her objective regardless of what is presented before her. Example - So we have an event planned, one day- 4 staff involved, car accident happens on way to event venue night before , 2 staff injured, 1 staff comes down with COVID, 1 staff well- manager informed of all this as it happens- doesn’t enquire about colleagues in hospital/ COVID other than ah oh dear that’s terrible ( surface ) and straight into ok continue the event on your own, no discussion, no how are U feeling about doing that etc . When challenged about this at later date she considers she was solution focused... She would say she is empathic, she rarely turns down personal requests, knows staff kids names etc but it is so so obvious to staff it’s all lip service and the truth is she always has her own agenda, little flexibility.

This sounds like a good leader to me. What would you have her do, break down in tears and cancel the event?

@Thehonestybox

What will be your plan to address the issue? Our senior manager had the same result when we did our review, and her response was to hold a coffee morning where she introduced the session by saying "we're all adults who want to do a good job, I don't think we're really here to 'make friends' are we", and that summed it up.

It's so important to have a high empathy score. Our senior management's low empathy scores had been ignored and dismissed for several years, until it snowballed into abnormally high numbers of absence due to stress, and then we had 2 suicides in one year.

It snowballs. I think knowing people's names or personal details is irrelevant tbh, most people just see that as leaders' tactics for appearing like they care, in order to get more work/loyalty out of their employees.

The proof is how you respond to your colleague's bad times. Rather than anniversaries, knowing who's parents are ill, who's going through a breakup, who's partner has lost their job, etc is more important.

Wow. Death by suicide is nobody's fault. Please don't put that on the OP.

Of course it matters.