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Original poster

Work relationship outed by junior - WWYD?

146 replies

seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:10

Name changed!

Not in the UK.

I'm mid thirties. Officially Single.

I started a new job in January as finance/legal lead.
Company has gone for 12 employees when I arrived to 45ish people now. General decent atmosphere. Serious domaine - lots of work - exciting times. Solid team. Not long after I joined I got very close to the lead scientist - also mid thirties also single. We waited a few months, but eventually spent an evening together after working late. Things moved on. We thought a few colleagues had maybe figured us out so told our CEO that we were seeing each other. He was non-plussed. We coordinate together but don't work together on projects per see. All is well. A couple of other senior colleagues clocked us leaving work or afterwork drinks together, there have been a few smiles but nothing said other than an occasional "you guys heading back together".

On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday.

This Monday a new junior (he joined 2 weeks ago) uploaded a photo to the general chat of me half asleep on colleagues shoulder obviously taken at about midnight on Saturday in the metro with the #spotted.

We had no idea he'd seen us. We live in a massive city. He didn't warn us before posting the photo.

General reaction at the office today was kind + respectful with a lot of photos posted to "drown" out the private picture he took and comments about us working too hard at weekends.

But I am furious with this new guy, it is such an invasion of our privacy.

Saw CEO and CTO this afternoon who have said we can decide how we want to deal with newbie.

I don't want to go over the top - and also think that the newbie maybe thought this was a good way of showing he was cool/part of the team whatever.

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

A part from the obvious dating a colleague I tend to maintain strong boundaries at work.

I have no idea how to deal with this.

We also have no social media policy and I'm acting HR until we get an actual HR.

What would I do?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 13/09/2021 20:14

A quiet word to say that you like to preserve your private life..?

SameToo · 13/09/2021 20:18

Be tempted to have a quiet word and just say this isn’t gossip girl Confused

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/09/2021 20:18

He probably didn't know your relationship wasn't out.

A quiet word about not posting that sort of photo without consent should do it.

Needanewadventure2021 · 13/09/2021 20:19

I'd be so cross! How dare he! I can't believe someone so new would even have done that. Then again it would have been unprofessional of anyone doing it unless you were on that sort of level. It just seems so unnecessary of him.

Maybe just take him aside and tell him how you feel he has shown a lack of respect for your privacy and would like to understand why he thought it was appropriate to take that action.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/09/2021 20:19

Tricky if you are acting HR and it's technically about you. What a complete moron (him obviously).

Who is his line manager? I would have a quiet word, or include him/her in the meeting to say that you don't appreciate the intrusion into your private life.

And since you are acting HR, get a social media policy in place.

Theunamedcat · 13/09/2021 20:21

Its a work environment not high school

WimpoleHat · 13/09/2021 20:23

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

If you think this, I’d just take him aside and tell him this. Firmly. That you’re upset and that seniors have been consulted. He’s likely to be upset that he’s upset you and to have blotted his copybook in his new job. Then let it die down and go away.

Clymene · 13/09/2021 20:24

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

He probably didn't know your relationship wasn't out.

A quiet word about not posting that sort of photo without consent should do it.

Oh come on. # spotted?

That's crossing a line. Even if they live together and have several children.

I would speak to him about what is appropriate. Candid shots of your colleagues when you spot them out and about isn't appropriate.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:24

@spotcheck
I've sent him an email asking to see him tomorrow and I'll remind him that we are allowed a private life outside of work. It's more the fact that he used the #spotted that also makes me uneasy.
Also what about everyone else - should we acknowledge we're seeing each other - should we do nothing ? We currently commute into work together ( we live on the same side of town so even if we're not sleeping over we take the train together) and we stagger our arrival most days, one of us will have a coffee at a bistrot before heading into to work so we don't arrive together and if we're leaving at a time when a lot of people are still in the office we also try not to leave right at the same time. should we continue this or just admit that the cat is out of the bag and go with it ?

OP posts:
Russell19 · 13/09/2021 20:25

I think its a non issue. Don't understand why your 'relationship' is so secret. Think you'll find nobody is even bothered.

MiddleParking · 13/09/2021 20:28

It was a bit blundering and unprofessional of him, but the whole setup sounds quite unprofessional so I don’t think he can be blamed for that if he’s new.

vastgrandupgrade · 13/09/2021 20:29

They probably all know anyway. People trying to hide relationships at work are never anywhere near as successful as they think they are!

eurochick · 13/09/2021 20:30

The gleeful hashtag would have pissed me off but I don't understand why you are being so cloak and dagger about the relationship. Work relationships are very common. It's no big deal.

Palavah · 13/09/2021 20:30

In my work this wouldn't be for HR to get involved with - it would just be for the line manager to have a quiet word.

Frankly i think it's inappropriate for your bosses to say you should decide how you (plural) want to deal with him. Either you (singular) decide as acting HR, or his line manager deals with it. You as the impacted couple is just weird.

CovidCorvid · 13/09/2021 20:30

[quote seethingoverstagiare]@spotcheck
I've sent him an email asking to see him tomorrow and I'll remind him that we are allowed a private life outside of work. It's more the fact that he used the #spotted that also makes me uneasy.
Also what about everyone else - should we acknowledge we're seeing each other - should we do nothing ? We currently commute into work together ( we live on the same side of town so even if we're not sleeping over we take the train together) and we stagger our arrival most days, one of us will have a coffee at a bistrot before heading into to work so we don't arrive together and if we're leaving at a time when a lot of people are still in the office we also try not to leave right at the same time. should we continue this or just admit that the cat is out of the bag and go with it ?[/quote]
I think you don’t have to acknowledge it if you don’t want to but I also wouldn’t worry about staggering arrival times, etc. Sounds like most people have guessed but are professional and mature enough to not say anything before you have.

So if you don’t want to say anything then don’t. Worst case scenario someone asks you outright and you either say yes you are seeing each other or just state you’d prefer not to discuss it.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:30

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams My colleague ( who's shoulder I was asleep on) is his line manager I suppose. We have quite a weird structure at the moment - I don't want to be too outing - but we are a new start-up spin off from an academic lab commercializing new tech but everything needs to be built from the ground up - policies and all - the team growth is so fast ... We have an HR arriving in December, it also takes a while to recruit people because they have their notice periods to do.
I'm a financial IP legal analyst by training so not really up to writing a social media policy I don't think - I'm just blocking the gap until we get proper HR on board.

OP posts:
Dontwatchfootball · 13/09/2021 20:33

Think that the posting policy should be that you can only post if you are in the photo?

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:33

@eurochick I don't think we're cloak and dagger - we are just private. Have never denied we're going home together when asked etc. Those who know, know. Those who don't don't. It's not about hiding anything. It's just about a tiny bit of our private lives being our own.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 13/09/2021 20:34

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:37

To clarify structure - We have CEO, CTO who is remote based and never in office - Me as head of everything legal financial and colleague who is lead scientist who is head of everything R&D and science related.

@Dontwatchfootball thats a good idea - thank you

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 13/09/2021 20:38

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

This
Autumnally · 13/09/2021 20:43

As somebody who started a relationship in maybe similar situations and kept it secret for a year I think you should take this opportunity to just be open about your relationship. Not by making an announcement, but by stopping the cloak and dagger leaving separately but together stuff. People know now, you will either last or you won’t but it won’t be any less painful if people don’t know. When we were ‘outed’ it actually made life much easier.

But you do need to give this twerp a good talking to about respecting others’ privacy.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 20:46

I think this could back fire for you.

If he didn’t do something against an actual policy then leave him alone.

Clymene · 13/09/2021 20:47

@Dontwatchfootball

Think that the posting policy should be that you can only post if you are in the photo?
That's a really good idea! No people unless you're in it. Your social media isn't for staff gossip, it's for sharing your weekends. He's fundamentally misunderstood what it's for. And that new rule (subtext: because he's too stupid to understand the system that everyone else did) has to be introduced because of that.

I think actually it would be better if neither you nor your boyfriend raise this with him. It needs to come from the top. So it's not about you two being pissed off as individuals, it's about the business thinking this is unacceptable behaviour.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:49

@MadMadMadamMim @Mammyloveswine

I think this is what I have to do tomorrow. I no it's no biggie on the wide scale. It just felt so intrusive. Even if we say nothing, now everyone will either know/doubt.

Every time we (Me+colleague) head off for a lunch meeting or a conference together I don't want the whole team gossiping. I was really enjoying my new life/ new job and the renewed privacy after my last gossip filled office.

I need to find the line between my personal feelings about this young person who is at the start of a career and my professional feelings about being out at work.

OP posts: