Work relationship outed by junior - WWYD?

[seethingoverstagiare]

Name changed!

Not in the UK.

I'm mid thirties. Officially Single.

I started a new job in January as finance/legal lead.
Company has gone for 12 employees when I arrived to 45ish people now. General decent atmosphere. Serious domaine - lots of work - exciting times. Solid team. Not long after I joined I got very close to the lead scientist - also mid thirties also single. We waited a few months, but eventually spent an evening together after working late. Things moved on. We thought a few colleagues had maybe figured us out so told our CEO that we were seeing each other. He was non-plussed. We coordinate together but don't work together on projects per see. All is well. A couple of other senior colleagues clocked us leaving work or afterwork drinks together, there have been a few smiles but nothing said other than an occasional "you guys heading back together".

On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday.

This Monday a new junior (he joined 2 weeks ago) uploaded a photo to the general chat of me half asleep on colleagues shoulder obviously taken at about midnight on Saturday in the metro with the #spotted.

We had no idea he'd seen us. We live in a massive city. He didn't warn us before posting the photo.

General reaction at the office today was kind + respectful with a lot of photos posted to "drown" out the private picture he took and comments about us working too hard at weekends.

But I am furious with this new guy, it is such an invasion of our privacy.

Saw CEO and CTO this afternoon who have said we can decide how we want to deal with newbie.

I don't want to go over the top - and also think that the newbie maybe thought this was a good way of showing he was cool/part of the team whatever.

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

A part from the obvious dating a colleague I tend to maintain strong boundaries at work.

I have no idea how to deal with this.

We also have no social media policy and I'm acting HR until we get an actual HR.

What would I do?

I’d be more bothered he didn’t get my consent for the photo. Cheeky shit! He won’t last in a professional environment.

It’s beyond weird to share a picture of senior people at work where one of them is asleep and neither of them know you’ve taken it. I can’t get my head around it. Especially as he’s only been there 2 weeks so has no personal relationship. The whole sharing weekend photos thing is a bit odd but in my head it’s would be people showing pictures of their barbecue or out with their dog or at a sports event or something, not “I took this of Sue from logistics on her couch to 5k run using a long lens from up a tree” or “Trevor caught napping on the beach. Didn’t know it was me on that cliff top, did you trevor!”

Personally I’d want to be “Oi! If you take creepy pictures of me in my private live again you’ll be on your arse wondering where your teeth are.” But something as suggested above regarding new SM policy to restrict covertly acquired images may be more appropriate. The whole “let’s see what everyone did at the weekend” is definitely not a culture I’d enjoy. I have friends at work who show me photos in their phone or as a WhatsApp but these “matey” official work policies are always a nightmare.

Some of the responses on this thread are absurd.

You don’t need a policy in order to have a quiet word with someone whose behaviour crossed the boundaries of social acceptability.

Tell him his behaviour was unprofessional and posting personal pictures of that nature without consent is unacceptable.

Frankly you’ll be doing him a favour.

I’d be more bothered he didn’t get my consent for the photo. Cheeky shit! He won’t last in a professional environment. while he was stupid uploading the picture on a company system, he doesn’t need to get the OP’s consent.

People don’t seem to realise that pictures taken in a public place are not anyone’s property. He could upload the photo to a public social media page and there is literally nothing anyone could do about it.

Someone I know was pictured on the underground with a guide dog and someone uploaded it to some pet site saying how wonderful it was yada yada. Lots of positive comments but also comments from people saying things like “I’ve seen him around where I live, I know where he lives,” etc etc. In his case it was mostly a positive thing but the comments about knowing where he lived etc could quite possibly have been creepy. But there was literally nothing he could do about it.

Again, the picture aside, if the OP doesn’t want to be publicly seen to be in a relationship then she shouldn’t be out in public showing affection to this scientist. Something which seems ridiculous on the surface but if you want something to remain private then you can’t be showing it in public and still keep thinking that it’s private.

*MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.*

Another vote for this, but make sure you don’t deliver it too emotionally. Show him you as a legal professional, very calm, but right on target.

I agree he is probably trying to be part of the fuss..
maybe there's a quiet chit chat about the team when they found out and he's like got ya! As a bit of a tease joke..
I'd just make it clear you don't advertise your relationship at work so you'd like to keep it as professional :)
Wouldn't scorn or belittle him over something he may have thought was an open topic!

I'd have thought it was very obvious that people only posted pictures of what they did themselves, not pictures of other colleagues. It hardly needs a specific policy to say posting pictures of other people without consent is against the rules.

Even if the whole staff knew about the relationship, or they were even married, taking pictures of other people without their consent, let alone posting them in public, is verging on breaking the law anyway ( it comes down to whether you were in a place where you had reasonable expectation of privacy).

I would take the personal out of this and tell him in no uncertain terms that taking pictures and posting them without consent is voyeurism at best, and potentially illegal. I would also make sure you beef up your HR social media policies to ensure they include parts about using unauthorised/ unapproved images.
FGS, even 15 years ago at my company I was not allowed to take photographs of the factory shop floor workers doing their jobs for technical documents without their express permission to be in the shots. It is pretty basic..
Give him a disciplinary warning immediately. Make it clear with staff generally through your HR policies that such behaviour is a sackable offence. Remind people that your “share” time is about you, and must not include images with ANYONE else in them , even family members you can’t be sure they have actively given permission to share with strangers at work. Whilst this hare was a nice idea, now your company is growing you may need to stop the tradition to keep tighter reins on breaches like this.

@PersonaNonGarter

I think this could back fire for you.

If he didn’t do something against an actual policy then leave him alone.

This ….you are the one making it into an issue! Why do you think people care so much?

I think that this is the kind of workplace where personal and business lines appear blurry especially for a brand new person.

Imagine it from his shoes, he arrives, it's quite obvious that you guys are a couple, he didn't realise everyone is keeping up this secret.

Then everyone posts pics from their personal life on a work chat.

I don't really blame him.

I still think that maybe the OP and this scientist are having an affair.

The picture was stupid, but the level of upset is disproportionate.

I bet junior colleague is an entitled little shit. I'd tear several strips off him, who does he think he is?

People don’t seem to realise that pictures taken in a public place are not anyone’s property

People do realise that. They just also realise it’s rude, and crosses social boundaries, and is unprofessional. There are lots of things you are allowed to do that people don’t do because of social convention. It is (at best) “cheeky” to take a covert photo of someone and post it in an official work social media thread. Just because it’s not actually illegal don’t make it dandy.

@PegasusReturns

Some of the responses on this thread are absurd.

You don’t need a policy in order to have a quiet word with someone whose behaviour crossed the boundaries of social acceptability.

Tell him his behaviour was unprofessional and posting personal pictures of that nature without consent is unacceptable.

Frankly you’ll be doing him a favour.

This - his manager (not you!) should have a quiet word, it doesn't need to be a huge drama. I do think you being gay puts a slightly different spin on it to be honest - outing people without their permission is not cool, we do still live in a homophobic world.

And FGS get a policy in place. High growth companies are a nightmare, the culture is changing before your very eyes. You need the right policies in place to help you manage this.

@Dartfordwarblerautumn if it’s in the UK you couldn’t issue a disciplinary warning without following a proper process including an independent person investigating it. ACAS code of practice has to be followed. All in all it sounds like the company needs a solid experienced HR person to put some standards and policies in place.

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

This is exactly what I'd be saying. He is clearly unaware of boundaries and quite unprofessional it seems, so I'd be really quite blunt with him on the inappropriateness of this.

That's quite a common hashtag, it's not a weird voyeuristic one he's just made up, if that helps lessen the blow

If your CEO was already aware and fine with the relationship then I find the level of pretence bizarre. Making sure you don't arrive/leave at the same time even when you came together and are leaving together? Maybe you enjoy feeling like it's some clandestine affair? What the junior did was rude and immature but the more fuss you make about it the more of a big deal it will seem. You say you're entitled to a private life but then keep it secret and act in bizarre ways as though you're not entitled to this relationship.

Just be open about the relationship, it sounds like it's an open secret anyway and then no one can put you in awkward positions like this.

Is he 14?
Were it my start-up, I’d have serious concerns about the suitability of an employee with such juvenile tendencies.

[quote Rainbowshine]@Dartfordwarblerautumn if it’s in the UK you couldn’t issue a disciplinary warning without following a proper process including an independent person investigating it. ACAS code of practice has to be followed. All in all it sounds like the company needs a solid experienced HR person to put some standards and policies in place.[/quote]
Yes, you’re right. That’s the issue with the fact they didn’t have a policy in place 🤦‍♀️. But I still think it needs something more than a quiet word . Anyone should know that taking and publicly sharing unauthorised “candid” shots is wholly unacceptable, unprofessional, creepy and potentially illegal. He needs to understand he has marked himself out as someone who lacks respect for his colleagues and it will be taken into account at the end of his probation period if he does anything else that is unprofessional or lacking judgement or respect for his colleagues

@Shadedog

People don’t seem to realise that pictures taken in a public place are not anyone’s property

People do realise that. They just also realise it’s rude, and crosses social boundaries, and is unprofessional. There are lots of things you are allowed to do that people don’t do because of social convention. It is (at best) “cheeky” to take a covert photo of someone and post it in an official work social media thread. Just because it’s not actually illegal don’t make it dandy.

The problem is that the company is already in the territory of crossing social boundaries and unprofessionalism by having staff posting photos of their weekend activity on the company Slack.

As for consent, are staff asking all the family members who were at the family BBQ on Sunday for that before uploading their pictures?

I also think a lot of young people simply don't understand the boundaries between private and public when it comes to social media in the way that those of us who are older do. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, I'd be inclined to think of his actions as naive or stupid rather than malicious.

When you have such a bizarre practice of inviting people's weekend activity onto company channels, you're asking for trouble.

I think it shows an exceptional lack of judgement. He's only been there two weeks, no where near enough time to know what is and is not acceptable in a new work culture.

I think your sexuality is relevant here. It's absolutely 100% unacceptable to out a colleague as gay without their permission. And collosally stupid to do it to a senior member of staff when you're the new boy.

(Either that or he's so naive he doesn't realise you're in a relationship but it sounds like the photos make it pretty obvious?)

Would a very junior woman have done this to a senior man in a heterosexual relationship? Hypothetical so we'll never know but there is something very entitled and cocky about this young man's behaviour and I can't help also wondering if there is an issue in his attitude towards women and if on some level he doesn't respect the seniority of the OP because she's a woman.

As well as the invasion of privacy there's the serious lack of professional judgement. WTF was he thinking?

So you all post personal jokey photos on slack but then when the new guy tries to join in it’s suddenly not okay because it touches a nerve. If your relationship is a secret maybe don’t fall asleep on each other in public.

I think your relationship is irrelevant in the situation. Your colleague has invaded your privacy, taken a photo of you and shared it with the specific intention of making you uncomfortable. I would suggest a meeting with him, his manager and you and explain it wasn't appropriate and ask him to respect his colleagues going forward.
Your workplace sounds odd though. It's strict enough that you don't feel able to tell others that you are in a relationship with a colleague, but casual enough that you share photos of your weekend? Your work in finance/legal but you are acting as HR - a completely different role requiring specialist experience? (I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to be the HR manager for your partner.)