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Original poster

Work relationship outed by junior - WWYD?

146 replies

seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 20:10

Name changed!

Not in the UK.

I'm mid thirties. Officially Single.

I started a new job in January as finance/legal lead.
Company has gone for 12 employees when I arrived to 45ish people now. General decent atmosphere. Serious domaine - lots of work - exciting times. Solid team. Not long after I joined I got very close to the lead scientist - also mid thirties also single. We waited a few months, but eventually spent an evening together after working late. Things moved on. We thought a few colleagues had maybe figured us out so told our CEO that we were seeing each other. He was non-plussed. We coordinate together but don't work together on projects per see. All is well. A couple of other senior colleagues clocked us leaving work or afterwork drinks together, there have been a few smiles but nothing said other than an occasional "you guys heading back together".

On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday.

This Monday a new junior (he joined 2 weeks ago) uploaded a photo to the general chat of me half asleep on colleagues shoulder obviously taken at about midnight on Saturday in the metro with the #spotted.

We had no idea he'd seen us. We live in a massive city. He didn't warn us before posting the photo.

General reaction at the office today was kind + respectful with a lot of photos posted to "drown" out the private picture he took and comments about us working too hard at weekends.

But I am furious with this new guy, it is such an invasion of our privacy.

Saw CEO and CTO this afternoon who have said we can decide how we want to deal with newbie.

I don't want to go over the top - and also think that the newbie maybe thought this was a good way of showing he was cool/part of the team whatever.

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

A part from the obvious dating a colleague I tend to maintain strong boundaries at work.

I have no idea how to deal with this.

We also have no social media policy and I'm acting HR until we get an actual HR.

What would I do?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 13/09/2021 21:15

My sympathy though, I also like to be private at work, and I'd be mortified if I felt there was gossiping about me. But it will blow over, and ifmyoure not trying to hide it (seriously, everyone will have noticed the coffee thing!), 95% of what they're gossiping about will have disappeared.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 21:18

@Bluntness100 As I've said before - we really haven't made an effort to keep it a secret - we just don't want to always arrive/leave at the same time. We've left together enough times for people to clock and ask and never denied we're going home together.

@TheSpottedZebra I think from the photo it is obvious we are at least very "close" - he didn't post the photo straight away - it was from Saturday evening - he posted it this morning just before lunch

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 13/09/2021 21:20

It’s unacceptable and very odd. You’ll have to do the informal chat because you don’t have a policy yet. What else might this individual think it’s ok to post?! Hmm Not good….

TheSpottedZebra · 13/09/2021 21:28

I think from the photo it is obvious we are at least very "close" - he didn't post the photo straight away - it was from Saturday evening - he posted it this morning just before lunch

As soon as I posted I noticed you said in your OP out Sat / posted Mon - I missed that bit! That makes it not an innocent mistake then, doesn't it. Sounds more like there has been chat about you two, and he's gleeful that he spotted you together.

In which case he's got awful judgement and he's snide, so I'd still do the informal chat but I'd absolutely have his card marked.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 13/09/2021 21:28

What MadamMim said. Her wording is perfect.

I write as someone with many years experience in the corporate world.

CarrotSticks23 · 13/09/2021 21:29

Honestly I think your romantising how the office feels about your relationship, with them giving the knowing smile etc. I suspect if a few people knew most people knew, and realistically probably don't care beyond the initial 5 minutes of interest.

You are dating a colleague. I doubt you will be the talk of the office everytime you go to lunch together, but gossip does happen and if you don't like that I would suggest not dating a colleague. You have bought your personal life to work by dating a colleague and it is difficult to keep private life private when you intertwine them like that.

I don't know why your denying hiding it when you said you stagger your entrances with one of you getting coffee in the mornings so you don't arrive together!

He might not have even known you weren't out as a couple (I have made this mistake before) and just thought he'd caught you drunk on the tube.

Its worth a word, but I think you are entangling your feelings of his actions with your feelings of everyone knowing.

TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 21:29

Wildy inappropriate for a professional environment on a number of levels discussed here but as someone who has just entered the corporate world he ought to be told that it's inappropriate to take photographs of people on public transport without their knowledge.

It might be legal, but it isn't appropriate and there's a reason why you feel it's a violation of your privacy. And yes, you should use those words - it will strike a chord with him.

I don't think there's any problem with a quiet reprimand here and he ought to formally apologise to both of you.

VenusTiger · 13/09/2021 21:29

I met my husband at work and it was secret for about a month - it became obvious and no-one cared much.
Stop worrying OP - he's not following you around I take it?
You're not famous.
Let ppl find out.

daisychain01 · 13/09/2021 21:29

Clearly he is used social media with his friendship group at high school and hasn't grown up. He probably thought he'd make a name for himself being all "clever". What an idiot.

Hopefully in future years he will cringe with embarrassment.

Clymene · 13/09/2021 21:30

Apologies for assuming heterosexual relationship! My point still stands and actually I think it's even more important that your business takes it seriously. Potential undercurrent of homophobia makes it even worse.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 21:31

Oh cmon op. It takes effort for one of you to hold back and have a coffee so you aren’t seen as arriving together.

Is part of the attraction the secrecy? Like having an affair?

daisychain01 · 13/09/2021 21:34

@Bluntness100

Oh cmon op. It takes effort for one of you to hold back and have a coffee so you aren’t seen as arriving together.

Is part of the attraction the secrecy? Like having an affair?

FFS stop coming on threads and picking fights for your own entertainment.

Your nastiness is completely unjustified - you don't even know the OP!

Mantlemoose · 13/09/2021 21:35

What a lot of fuss about nothing! If its not a secret what's the problem. If it is a secret then be more discreet.

happinessischocolate · 13/09/2021 21:41

Every time we (Me+colleague) head off for a lunch meeting or a conference together I don't want the whole team gossiping. I was really enjoying my new life/ new job and the renewed privacy after my last gossip filled office.

Your colleagues aren't going to gossip every time you leave the building. I doubt anyone even cares. 2 of my bosses have had relationships at work that were kept "secret" except they weren't, and it was blatantly obvious from the start. The only gossiping was caused by the rumours because of the "secrecy" meanwhile other couples opening started dating and no one even commented.

Get a grip. The new guy probably took the photo because you were snoring on the train, not because of your top secret relationship.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/09/2021 21:41

[quote seethingoverstagiare]@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams My colleague ( who's shoulder I was asleep on) is his line manager I suppose. We have quite a weird structure at the moment - I don't want to be too outing - but we are a new start-up spin off from an academic lab commercializing new tech but everything needs to be built from the ground up - policies and all - the team growth is so fast ... We have an HR arriving in December, it also takes a while to recruit people because they have their notice periods to do.
I'm a financial IP legal analyst by training so not really up to writing a social media policy I don't think - I'm just blocking the gap until we get proper HR on board.[/quote]
Not sure about where you are geographically but given the nature of the company you describe I'm guessing Europe or North America.
In the U.K. there are lots of small specialists or small companies that will provide HR services on a pay as you go basis. Policy drafting, social media/absence/holiday/parental leave etc but also act as mediator/sme in the event of an issue like sexual harassment. It might be worth considering.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 21:42

@Bluntness100
But there is/was no actually secrecy - as I've said before we've left multiple times together and been clocked. And no stopping for a coffee after an hours commute doesn't take an effort - Esp after months and months of all the cafés being shut. You don't seem to have got my point about it not being about secrecy but privacy. My boss knows, most of the other scientists knew. Not wanting people to know if we have or have not spent the night together at the start of a relationship seems pretty normal to me. Because my private life is private. We have not been secret, just discreet. It's not an affair. We are/were both single.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 13/09/2021 21:44

#spotted just seems so juvenile and gossipy, if you will. I think it reflects worse on the one who took the photo than you, OP, and your partner. I've seen relationships in the workplace go really well and some go really bad just like any other relationship. Hopefully it works out and everyone can happily move on with their lives

Lovelydovey · 13/09/2021 21:45

Honestly, I think he’s been stupid but you have to tread carefully as he hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

I’d ask a colleague to have such a chat with him. More to make the point it was unprofessional and made him look like a twat and it made you uncomfortable, than anything else more formal.

Original poster
seethingoverstagiare · 13/09/2021 21:48

Thanks all, I don't think this thread is going anywhere constructive for me know.

Thank you for the thoughtful suggestions and recommendations.

As I said, I will ask boss to have a quick word to him and get HR to put a social media policy on their list as soon as they arrive.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

We are in Europe and have pretty solid labour law and collective consortium laws that are a solid basis for most things but yes - we really need more HR support even just to fill the gap before our in-house HR arrives - I'll also raise this with boss. thank you

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 13/09/2021 21:49

Unfortunately your company has blurred the boundaries of what is / isn't appropriate by sharing personal pictures about what people have gotten up to on the weekend. It's become the accepted norm. If you think it's important for people's private life to remain private, as acting "HR" you shouldn't have let this messaging habit escalate and there's sod all you can do about it because there's no social media policy. Not only has the "junior" displayed poor judgement but so has the senior team in allowing these "private" messages / photos to become part of office culture. Poor judgement all round.

drpet49 · 13/09/2021 21:57

* Unfortunately your company has blurred the boundaries of what is / isn't appropriate by sharing personal pictures about what people have gotten up to on the weekend. It's become the accepted norm. If you think it's important for people's private life to remain private, as acting "HR" you shouldn't have let this messaging habit escalate and there's sod all you can do about it because there's no social media policy.*

^Great post.

Embracelife · 13/09/2021 21:59

If he is new
Maybe he already assumed you were together
And just meant
Oh I spotted /saw colleagues outside of work
Not oh look a relationship

Since you hzve this thing of
"On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday."

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/09/2021 22:06

@thingymaboob

Unfortunately your company has blurred the boundaries of what is / isn't appropriate by sharing personal pictures about what people have gotten up to on the weekend. It's become the accepted norm. If you think it's important for people's private life to remain private, as acting "HR" you shouldn't have let this messaging habit escalate and there's sod all you can do about it because there's no social media policy. Not only has the "junior" displayed poor judgement but so has the senior team in allowing these "private" messages / photos to become part of office culture. Poor judgement all round.
I disapprove of things like this - official photos shouldn't be sent on Slack. Fair enough if there's a Whatsapp group outside work and colleagues are friends (a colleague shared his wedding photos for example) but having it as an official habit is odd.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 13/09/2021 22:13

I'd be wondering whether somebody so immature was going to make it to the end of their probationary period.

And his bollocking would also include the fact that shit like that can get women murdered if they have a violent spouse.

BraveGoldie · 13/09/2021 22:34

@happinessischocolate

Every time we (Me+colleague) head off for a lunch meeting or a conference together I don't want the whole team gossiping. I was really enjoying my new life/ new job and the renewed privacy after my last gossip filled office.

Your colleagues aren't going to gossip every time you leave the building. I doubt anyone even cares. 2 of my bosses have had relationships at work that were kept "secret" except they weren't, and it was blatantly obvious from the start. The only gossiping was caused by the rumours because of the "secrecy" meanwhile other couples opening started dating and no one even commented.

Get a grip. The new guy probably took the photo because you were snoring on the train, not because of your top secret relationship.

Why are you being so mean to the OP? First off, OP is a senior woman.... which is hard enough to be taken seriously, without people wanting to rip you down. She is dating another senior woman- double or triple possibility for people to make an unnecessary fuss or find grounds to gossip.

Even so, OP hasn't made a big fuss about it- she's hardly screaming from the roof tops or claiming it's a crisis - she's talking about having a calm talk with somebody then letting it go.

Finally, what the guy did IS creepy and out of order. He's posted a photo potentially outing both a relationship AND someone's sexuality with the word "spotted" like a gotcha.. Even if he had posted a totally innocuous photo of her mowing her lawn it would have been weird and intrusive.... at very best it is utterly juvenile and intrusive- at worst it's homophobic, sexist and malicious.....

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