Work relationship outed by junior - WWYD?

[seethingoverstagiare]

Name changed!

Not in the UK.

I'm mid thirties. Officially Single.

I started a new job in January as finance/legal lead.
Company has gone for 12 employees when I arrived to 45ish people now. General decent atmosphere. Serious domaine - lots of work - exciting times. Solid team. Not long after I joined I got very close to the lead scientist - also mid thirties also single. We waited a few months, but eventually spent an evening together after working late. Things moved on. We thought a few colleagues had maybe figured us out so told our CEO that we were seeing each other. He was non-plussed. We coordinate together but don't work together on projects per see. All is well. A couple of other senior colleagues clocked us leaving work or afterwork drinks together, there have been a few smiles but nothing said other than an occasional "you guys heading back together".

On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday.

This Monday a new junior (he joined 2 weeks ago) uploaded a photo to the general chat of me half asleep on colleagues shoulder obviously taken at about midnight on Saturday in the metro with the #spotted.

We had no idea he'd seen us. We live in a massive city. He didn't warn us before posting the photo.

General reaction at the office today was kind + respectful with a lot of photos posted to "drown" out the private picture he took and comments about us working too hard at weekends.

But I am furious with this new guy, it is such an invasion of our privacy.

Saw CEO and CTO this afternoon who have said we can decide how we want to deal with newbie.

I don't want to go over the top - and also think that the newbie maybe thought this was a good way of showing he was cool/part of the team whatever.

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

A part from the obvious dating a colleague I tend to maintain strong boundaries at work.

I have no idea how to deal with this.

We also have no social media policy and I'm acting HR until we get an actual HR.

What would I do?

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

Exactly this. Even if your relationship was more out in the open, I have no idea what made him think this would be a good idea. In my opinion the first rule of any form of social media is always ask people if they're happy to be posted.

I agree he was daft and behaved badly and can see why you are justifiably cross.

But these companies that do all this matey stuff - sharing pictures of the weekend etc boundaries get blurred and some people m mis read it. You are there to work you are not friends.

Also everyone knows and after the initial “aaah” people are not interested. Met Dh at work and got busted by the senior partner on a train. But “two single people date” is not of massive long term interest!

All the people saying it's no big deal - how would they feel having a picture of themselves half asleep on the tube being posted up at work without their consent or knowledge? Quite aside from the relationship angle.

I'm glad you're getting your boss to speak to them but please make sure they emphasise that it's not just inconsiderate and unprofessional but also deeply inappropriate. I'd be keeping a close eye on the behaviour of anyone who thought that this was an OK thing to do tbh, I'd be concerned about their boundaries in the workplace.

That was such a creepy stalker I sh thing to do

But I guess you just uploaded proof of what you do in your spare time, so the rest of the office have been warned 😬

Would be my quiet word

But these companies that do all this matey stuff - sharing pictures of the weekend etc boundaries get blurred and some people m mis read it. You are there to work you are not friends.

Completely agree with this. I’d hate to work someone where this was part of the culture. It’s inevitable that something inappropriate wii be posted eventually.

Hmmm the fact that you’re both women might change things for me actually. Not my comment about how our lives got easier once we went public with our relationship, but more about the difficult power dynamics for senior women in the workplace. I think he does need to have a comment made about respecting people’s privacy. In the U.K. this would also be covered by the equality act as sexual orientation is a protected characteristic - i.e. whether he would have done this if you had been a heterosexual work power couple is really important.

I think boundaries are there when it comes to sharing photos. The junior has shown very poor judgement. It's one thing to share photos you have taken over the weekend of yourself/your family that type of thing, but to share a photo you have taken of someone else, particularly colleagues, without even asking or getting permission is another

@spotcheck

A quiet word to say that you like to preserve your private life..?

The Metro is a public place.

OP, what do you understand nonplussed to mean? We generally take it this mean surprised and put out.

This is easily fixed. Just look at the website of an analogous company or university research unit, take their social media policy, and adapt it as needed to suit yours. Use whatever management process you have to introduce new policy including staff consultation abs inform staff along the way until it is formally adopted as company policy.

A collective company adoption of a new policy and a very stern talk from the line manager or you to the relevant individual will be sufficient to chastise the #spotted employee.
If there is no policy the #employee hasn’t broken one but he is acting at best extremely uncollegiately and in a way that undermines team morale by bringing other people’s private life issues into work uninvited.

There’s no need for two single people to have a ‘secret’ relationship in the office though, just be open and conduct yourselves professionally about that. Long term, if you don’t like your relationship and work life so mixed one of you will need to work elsewhere. Secrecy doesn’t solve that problem and it creates other problems.

Also suggest that as part of your new policy you ask people to share private photos of the weekend etc only on their personal social media if they want to. This really isn’t appropriate for a work channel for a whole host of reasons and an employer should not be hosting this risk as you can now appreciate. Sorry youve had this bad experience though. The #spotted individual posting was totally inappropriate to do that.

Well op, the cat is out the bag so to answer your initial question just go with it. You can have a coffee together before going in, you don’t need to take it in turns and stagger your entrances.

I also think you’re on really dodgey ground here, you and your company have not just started this ludicrous practice you’ve joined in and encouraged it. You can’t get your arse in your hands if there is no policy and the newbie thought everyone knew about your relationship and you were just spotted out and about.

I would make him squirm. As you are acting HR it is even easier. I would invite him to a meeting and ask what was his intention? Don't let him off the hook with an innocent explanation, remind him about hashtag he put. Tell him it was reported to his manager and to be careful about privacy invasion for future reference.
I must say as a new junior.. He is either terminally stupid or a real bastard to do such thing.

I’m a bit confused - you said your CEO was nonplussed, which would imply s/he had a problem with the workplace relationship. But you still went ahead? That would certainly explain the staggered arrival times etc. Are you upset because the new hire showed that you were still pursuing a relationship against company policy? Because yes, serious implications for all concerned.

Or did you mean the CEO wasn’t remotely bothered (the opposite of nonplussed) and your new hire posted #spotted like people do when they see Ed Sheeran at Tesco or Lily Cole picking her teeth. As in “look at the significant person I saw out in the real world.” If it’s just that, a word from his line manager about not sharing photos of colleagues without their consent is all that’s needed.

@Doomscrolling the word nonplussed has also come to mean not bothered. Oxford English Dictionary includes an informal definition as "unperturbed" and Mercian Webster has an interesting article on how the definition has evolved over time: www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/nonplussed

I took the OP as meaning the newer, informal definition.

I think that this period of growth is a tricky time to join a company because you're trying to fit into the company culture at a time when that is changing but you don't necessarily recognise that it's changing you just think it's you. This is a (really cack-handed) attempt to fit in imo. I don't think it's a massive deal to be honest but as you obviously do I think the person's line manager needs to have a quiet word and then there needs to be official limits about what goes on the chat (i.e no pics of anyone without their permission). This guy is presumably good at his job if not at picking up subtle social cues not unusual in your area of work.

As the company gets better your relationship will be less of an issue at work anyway.

@Iwonder08

I would make him squirm. As you are acting HR it is even easier. I would invite him to a meeting and ask what was his intention? Don't let him off the hook with an innocent explanation, remind him about hashtag he put. Tell him it was reported to his manager and to be careful about privacy invasion for future reference. I must say as a new junior.. He is either terminally stupid or a real bastard to do such thing.

Hang on, encouraging work place bullying is not acceptable. As a newbie he likely didn’t even know they were a secret/not a secret. (It’s hard to tell really as the ops posts are all over the place).

He needs to be told not to do that to any colleagues, not really relevant that they are senior to him. I doubt anyone junior to him would appreciate the same voyeuristic treatment.

How does your partner feel about it and propose handling it?

It is a huge invasion of privacy even if you weren’t dating and were just friends on a night out or even if you had been married for 50 years.

I am sure that you have to ask people to take or publish their picture.

@ShroomShroom - the way Literally can now mean Figuratively?

God, I’m old. I hate sloppy language where words mean what people guess they mean. Such a death of nuance and language. See also Disinterested and Uninterested.

In which case, OP, easily dealt with. No photos shared without the subject’s permission. Papping colleagues is intrusive.

Unfortunately your company has blurred the boundaries of what is / isn't appropriate by sharing personal pictures about what people have gotten up to on the weekend. It's become the accepted norm. If you think it's important for people's private life to remain private, as acting "HR" you shouldn't have let this messaging habit escalate and there's sod all you can do about it because there's no social media policy. Not only has the "junior" displayed poor judgement but so has the senior team in allowing these "private" messages / photos to become part of office culture. Poor judgement all round. this. Added to which it’s hardly an invasion of privacy when the picture was taken in a public place.

OP people are already gossiping about you. Likely far more than if you were just openly together. People will be talking about how ridiculous you are thinking this is all a big secret when nobody actually cares whether you’re together or not.

And what’s with all this “knowing smile” crap. Seriously this company sound like a load of amateurs.

I am sure that you have to ask people to take or publish their picture. no you don’t. Pictures taken in a public place are fair game.

Quiet word:
People post pics of themselves, their activities.
Not of others.
It makes him look gossipy and unprofessional.
Show respect for colleagues and keep boundaries.

I would make him squirm. As you are acting HR it is even easier. I would invite him to a meeting and ask what was his intention? Don't let him off the hook with an innocent explanation, remind him about hashtag he put. Tell him it was reported to his manager and to be careful about privacy invasion for future reference. as acting HR OP is instrumental in condoning this public sharing of pictures in the first place. To suddenly take issue with it and to start having words as someone from HR OP is in fact abusing her position for her own favour.

The whole policy needs to be stopped. You can’t as HR decide that all pictures are inappropriate until you happen to appear in one of them in a relationship which you’re probably not supposed to be in.

I’m slightly confused anyway. Is the scientist in a relationship per chance? Because if the company doesn’t have a no relationships policy then I fail to see why all the cloak and dagger stuff and the thinking that people will be gossiping.

I wonder if the OP and this scientist are actually having an affair hence why the upset over the picture.

Maybe the junior knows the scientist’s partner?

And yes. People will gossip if the OP and the scientist are having an affair. But they’ll be gossiping anyway.

If it’s all innocent then no-one will care.

But the amount of secrecy here makes me think there’s more to this and that the OP has something to hide.