Work relationship outed by junior - WWYD?

[seethingoverstagiare]

Name changed!

Not in the UK.

I'm mid thirties. Officially Single.

I started a new job in January as finance/legal lead.
Company has gone for 12 employees when I arrived to 45ish people now. General decent atmosphere. Serious domaine - lots of work - exciting times. Solid team. Not long after I joined I got very close to the lead scientist - also mid thirties also single. We waited a few months, but eventually spent an evening together after working late. Things moved on. We thought a few colleagues had maybe figured us out so told our CEO that we were seeing each other. He was non-plussed. We coordinate together but don't work together on projects per see. All is well. A couple of other senior colleagues clocked us leaving work or afterwork drinks together, there have been a few smiles but nothing said other than an occasional "you guys heading back together".

On Monday the team tend to swap photos on slack if they've done anything at the weekend or on holiday.

This Monday a new junior (he joined 2 weeks ago) uploaded a photo to the general chat of me half asleep on colleagues shoulder obviously taken at about midnight on Saturday in the metro with the #spotted.

We had no idea he'd seen us. We live in a massive city. He didn't warn us before posting the photo.

General reaction at the office today was kind + respectful with a lot of photos posted to "drown" out the private picture he took and comments about us working too hard at weekends.

But I am furious with this new guy, it is such an invasion of our privacy.

Saw CEO and CTO this afternoon who have said we can decide how we want to deal with newbie.

I don't want to go over the top - and also think that the newbie maybe thought this was a good way of showing he was cool/part of the team whatever.

I don't think he was malintentionné but I am upset.

A part from the obvious dating a colleague I tend to maintain strong boundaries at work.

I have no idea how to deal with this.

We also have no social media policy and I'm acting HR until we get an actual HR.

What would I do?

I do think that I'd seriously creepy, even if a colleague posted a photo of me doing something completely innocuous like walking my dog it would be really weird and stalkerish to share it without my knowledge.

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

Me too. Why would anyone think they can waltz into a job and start taking photos of their boss and then putting them on a forum? It’s completely bewildering.

Wow posting the picture # spotted 🤨

I like the suggestion to remind him you"re allowed a private life and that this isnt gossip girl or pretty liitle liars.

Ask him what his intentions were - if he used a hashtag implying that he'd discovered a secret why did he post it on the channel? Very immature.
Also stop with all the cloak and dagger stuff. 1/3 of Brits met their partners at work , it's where you spend most of your waking hours and as long as you don't report to each other + company policy allows it there's no shame. You don't need to hide it.
DP and I met while working for the research center of a large company, most people had dated a co-worker because it was the only corporate employer for miles around. Our bosses just laughed and said they'd been expecting it, happy days. We later split teams however as long as people are professional you're doing nothing wrong.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a complete non event? He was joining in with similar chat and photos, it seems a bit shitty to single him out

Also not sure if "out at work" suggests you are gay - if you are gay I think this makes it even more unacceptable for your colleague to post an intrusive photo.

Also to add - people will gossip even MORE if you try and hide it. You're dating this man - so what? People don't gossip about common knowledge.

Every time we (Me+colleague) head off for a lunch meeting or a conference together I don't want the whole team gossiping. I was really enjoying my new life/ new job and the renewed privacy after my last gossip filled office.

Er, frankly, that’s too bad. You can’t ‘frown’ juniors into not talking about you. That’s actually just bullying dressed up as talks about what is ‘appropriate’.

Every law firm I have worked at, the juniors gossip about senior staff’s relationships. It’s incredibly naive to think you will get a good reaction by ‘talking’ to him. And if it isn’t against policy you could be on dodgy HR ground yourself.

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be asking him why, as a new and junior member of staff, he thought it appropriate to post photos of senior colleagues in their private time and without their knowledge or consent.

I'd be telling him that his actions were utterly unprofessional and that his behaviour had been discussed at a very senior level and frankly it had raised concerns about him. I would advise him that his colleagues private lives were not his concern and that the posting of photos should be limited to photos of what he was doing, if he felt a desperate need to, rather than what other people were doing.

Yes, but have somebody else present when you say it.

A quiet word to remind him that everybody is entitled to a private life. Other than that, I don't think you need to do anything, certainly don't need to change your behaviour. it sounds like you work with a good bunch of adults who aren't into idle gossip

It was a stupid and thoughtless thing to do but.....is it possible that others of the staff had said to him "oh seethingoverastare and leadscientist are an item....they think we don't know but who are they kidding hahahaha"

@PersonaNonGarter

I can't not say anything. Or more we as a company can't not say anything. I don't believe that colleagues personal life is FairPlay to share on a company chat.

@Clymene
Good call - I will get boss to deal with him I think.

I think I'd focus on developing a social media policy that would exclude this kind of behaviour.

Then I'd just drop him an email. X, please don't post photos of colleagues without prior consent. We don't have a formal policy prohibiting this at the moment, but it's under development.

He'll get the message but it leaves you and your relationship out of it.

[quote seethingoverstagiare]**@MadMadMadamMim* @Mammyloveswine*

I think this is what I have to do tomorrow. I no it's no biggie on the wide scale. It just felt so intrusive. Even if we say nothing, now everyone will either know/doubt.

Every time we (Me+colleague) head off for a lunch meeting or a conference together I don't want the whole team gossiping. I was really enjoying my new life/ new job and the renewed privacy after my last gossip filled office.

I need to find the line between my personal feelings about this young person who is at the start of a career and my professional feelings about being out at work.[/quote]
I agree what the junior did was creepy and out of line. But I really don't get why you think your team will be gossiping about you and your boyfriend if you go out for lunch. They probably don't give it a second thought. I've worked in situations where a couple have met at work and aside from the initial 'oh that's interesting!' reaction when they first got together I can 100% reassure you that I didn't have any thoughts or opinions about them spending time together in work hours. You do seem to think that people are more interested in your private life than they actually are!

@Russell19

I think its a non issue. Don't understand why your 'relationship' is so secret. Think you'll find nobody is even bothered.

I don't think it's about the relationship though. it's the invasion of privacy. It's horrible to think you could be out and then uploaded onto tiktok or some randoms Instagram with a shit hashtag. It's not ok. It's way over the line and he should be told. I hope you're ok op.

@HotPenguin

Yes - both women. But that's not the issue really - it's an all round friendly atmosphere. He might be too new to know that though. I wasn't out as anything at work. Colleague is known to have dated a women at a previous lab.

@PersonaNonGarter I know gossip exists and is normal - that's why I say I need to sort the difference between my professional and personal feelings .... I know it's unavoidable - but could have done without photographic evidence been shared ... ;-)

Anyway general consensus is to not make a big deal ( wasn't planning on that anyway) and just get boss to deal with him quickly by mentioning that private lives are private, full-stop.

I agree that a quiet honest word is enough. It’s not appropriate content for the Slack channel, it upset you and people are entitled to a private life outside of work. It sounds like inexperience and immaturity not malice.

And yes take the opportunity to be open about your relationship. Why wouldn’t you?

With your HR hat on re policies to fall back on e.g. social media policy, you don’t necessarily need them if you have some strong guiding principles around conduct. Book called No Rules, Rules about the culture at Netflix is an interesting read on this.

Gossip is a fact of office life.

Posting a photo on the office chat group is disrespectful. But OP is senior and has to be careful how she handles this. Because showing the colleagues the photo (which would be interesting to workmates for sure) isn’t in itself wrong unless it is specifically against a policy.

I don’t think he can be blamed for that if he’s new.

Well, he's not at school now, is he? Pathetic taking a photo of his colleagues who he happens to run into out of the office. Never mind posting it all over the joint.

He needs to keep his beak out of other people's private life.

Yea, get him into HRM and remind him he is now in a professional job, and it could count against him that kind of immaturity.

Some people never grow up sadly....

@ballsdeep exactly - not about the relationship - our boss knew - colleagues who knew, knew, others probably did too, it's just that it's my private life and other than a passing comment I don't want it to be a subject at work.

You should have a social media policy, as a company, and you're going to need to tread carefully about what you say if you don't have one, and encourage people to send photos about what they did at the weekend.

Morally I'm with you that it was a stupid thing to post, but you're not playing morally here, and this type of thing can be a minefield.

To be honest, I'd put a stop to sharing photos from the weekend, at least until there's a social media policy that everyone has seen and agreed to. That should be a priority, even if you outsource it.

With regards to your relationship, the cat is out of the bag now, so I wouldn't worry about staggering start times or anything. I did that with my husband in the early days too, but there's no point now. I wouldn't make it a regular topic of conversation either, so that it remains somewhat private, but you don't need to make an effort to hide it.

@DoThePropeller
Will watch that. Thanks

Op if your relationship was openly known I strongly suspect you’d not be behaving like this. It would simply be he spotted you both out. Like if he spotted anyone else

The issue here is youre shagging a colleague and trying to keep it secret. So the pair of you need to stop all this childish cloak and dagger stuff of seperate entrances etc and own it.

God that was a bit silly on the juniors part.

It's entirely possible that hen didnt twig you were 'together' and he just thought he'd seen you on a boozy night out. Especially if he had been drinking also. Did he post there and then, or later?

I'd do the honest informal chat with him. And stop the cloak and dagger thing but no need for big announcement. And get social media policy on the to do list of the HR person.