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Original poster

Response to lukewarm reference

145 replies

Alanis126 · 04/12/2019 18:09

It recently came to my attention that a biss wrote a lukewarm reference for me ca. 10 years ago. I am.not anticipating any benefit at all from challenging them on this but neither am I willing to let them get away with it. I have drafted but not sent an email to the person in question who refuses to speak to me about it over the phone. It is polite but firm amd points out that I got a better job than the one for which this manager wrote the reference shortly after. All I want to know is ( amd please, no naysaying "best not take any chances" replies) provided I stick to facts plus add that I think they for this reference wrong and I did not appreciate what they wrote am I in any way legally exposed myself? The reality is everyone hated management everyone was leaving and the lukewarm reference was written to stop me getting a job and leaving.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/12/2019 19:36

I think you ought to reframe it.

What they did didn't affect your career so they failed. They didn't make you stay so they failed. By you getting promoted shortly after because you were good means they failed again.

They are obviously arseholes but whatever you do must be for your own piece of mind.

You have only just found out about this so allow yourself to be angry about it and feel it - that's ok. And then wait a while and see if you want to do anything.

You waited ten years Smile, you can wait a bit longer to see if you still need to do anything for you.
Thanks

Gazelda · 04/12/2019 19:38

You say at one point that it wasn't true, but also that it was full of subjective opinions. Can you honestly say that anything in the reference was a lie? You say it was lukewarm. Do you mean it wasn't glowing, or did it actually refer to problems with your performance that hadn't been raised with you and time given for you to remedy?

It must be frustrating to have discovered that someone tried to sabotage your employment prospects.
But the reality is that you've progressed. You've not been held back.

Take comfort that someone felt so insecure that they felt the need to do this. And feel vindicated by having moved onto a better role.

Your need for payback is only eating away at your own mental wellbeing, it will have no impact on them other than to give them the opportunity to be able to feel as though they still have an element of power over you, for it to be bothering you so many years later.

JumpyLiz · 04/12/2019 19:38

Highly unlikely after all this time that they will give even the smallest of shits.

Fairycake2 · 04/12/2019 19:39

No wonder they wont talk to you about it, it was 10 years ago. And nothing negative came from it. Get over it! If I recieved an email like you intend to send I'd laugh then delete it. You're making yourself sound crazy

Original poster
Alanis126 · 04/12/2019 19:43

Once again, I disagree that someone who has just discovered something wrong written about them in the past, and challenges the person who wrote itn is insane. I am not looking for any legal recourse, I said so in the first post. Once again, it is "don't rock the boat, move on, what if they post it on social media" attitudes like those I've seen here that keep people downtrodden. I find it sad that fear about being seen as unhinged (actually it does not matter to me what others think or say they might think about my sanity, it is just another stick to beat people with) is used to keep people cowed. The person who wrote this was aggressive, borderline abusive and untrustworthy. They deserve at the very least to be called out.

OP posts:
GreenBasket · 04/12/2019 19:45

@JumpyLizn is right on the money.
I can't even remember some colleagues/employees ten years on.
You'll look like a total weirdo bringing this shit up now.

IndecentFeminist · 04/12/2019 19:48

Honestly, do you think they'll either remember you, or care what you went on to do? Because I get you want them to know they made a mistake etc, but I don't think it will have the effect you want and you will end up with no closure, but having laid yourself out there.

ThrowTheBookandtheBookcase · 04/12/2019 19:50

Will they remember you? Employment records can be destroyed after 7 years.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 04/12/2019 19:50

Ten years ago? A "lukewarm" reference?

Come on mate.

(Is it just me who really wants to know what the reference said and if this thread is anything to go by, we may be on TeamReferenceGiver)

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 19:51

How were you "cowed?" You weren't. You quit and went on to get a better job. You're kidding yourself if you think some pitiful email is going to strike a chord in someone who simply doesn't care. They won't take your calls, they sure as hell won't read an email from you. It's sad you're giving this person so much power over you.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/12/2019 19:53

Tbh OP they'll just laugh at you. What do you want to happen?

TheLidoOfThighs · 04/12/2019 19:54

No one wants to “keep you cowed” OP. It’s just that the way things look in your head is not the same as they look to anyone else, and we’re concerned that you won’t achieve what you would like to, and that you will potentially make it worse, by not getting the response you wanted.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 04/12/2019 19:56

Their opinion can't be incorrect, can it? It's their opinion.

I'd completely agree with you if there was an incorrect fact in there, but even then- it's been a whole decade, and you're going to seem bitter and deranged. They will laugh at you. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Original poster
Alanis126 · 04/12/2019 20:04

I have read all the responses above. I stand by my view, even if every single person disagrees or thinks I am crazy. I actually asked if a reasonable calling out came with any legal risks. I accept that the vast majority of those who have chosen to poat disagree with my course of action, but that will not dissuade me from pursuing it. I also think this business of "giving them power over me" is false. They have no power over me and I'm not interested in their opinion, just in not letting them off the hook. As for the person who mentioned possibly being on "Team Reference Giver" , by all means be against me as many seem to be. If you knew the full facts and the way this individual treated others , and still took their side, well let's just say we would be very far apart in our perceptions.

OP posts:
Ohjustboreoff · 04/12/2019 20:06

@Alanis126 why have you bothered asking for advice when you clearly have already made up your mind to email them about a lukewarm reference 10 years ago??? You don't want advice you just want validation that your not crazy. You won't get it here, you sound crazy and angry!

TheLidoOfThighs · 04/12/2019 20:07

I actually asked if a reasonable calling out came with any legal risks.

And I answered that specific point.

MoonlightBonnet · 04/12/2019 20:08

It’s nothing to do with being cowed. If it had happened yesterday you’d be getting different answers. It happened ten years ago and had no effect on you. It’s not healthy that you’re giving it head space.

MidnightBlue28 · 04/12/2019 20:08

They won’t take your calls.

They won’t care about your email, in fact they probably won’t even read it, so what do you hope to achieve?

They ignore you and don’t respond to your ‘rebuke’; what will you do next? Turn up at Reception and demand to see them?

They won’t care.

You will achieve nothing.

But you’re going to keep on flogging the dead horse whatever anyone says, so have at it.

Xmas Hmm
Ohjustboreoff · 04/12/2019 20:08

*you're Confused

IdiotInDisguise · 04/12/2019 20:08

It is 10 years, honestly... it isn’t a bit strange to try to put this right such a long time later and after you got the job and succeeded in it for a long time?

You have to be an amazing or a nightmare employee for someone to remember let alone the reference they write but what your name was...

RedDiamond · 04/12/2019 20:08

Did you suffer a "loss" as the result of the reference? For example, was the job you were after withdrawn?

roiseandjim · 04/12/2019 20:09

Will they even remember you from 10 years ago? You just sound bitter

MoonlightBonnet · 04/12/2019 20:10

Why would there be any legal repercussions for you? Why would you even think there might be? Unless you gained access to the reference illegally, eg through hacking, then it’s obvious there would be no legal repercussions for you.

HuckfromScandal · 04/12/2019 20:11

I doubt they would have any legal recourse if you are factually accurate, it will however make you look unhinged. But you appear to be content with that, so knock yourself out.

EggysMom · 04/12/2019 20:12

All I want to know is ( amd please, no naysaying "best not take any chances" replies) provided I stick to facts plus add that I think they for this reference wrong and I did not appreciate what they wrote am I in any way legally exposed myself?

No. They'll probably ignore it completely. They might think you're a nutter. But there will be no legal risk to you in writing the letter if that makes you feel better for doing so.