My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

OP,
I completely understand if you don't want to and I completely understand that you shouldn't have to but why don't you just ask to move? It would deal with the problem immediately and you could just get on with life. This is the type of situation that just drags out and out. He will be careful to make out that everything is a joke etc. It's hard to deal with.

I really feel for you. He sounds unbearable.

Interesting that he didn't behave badly when the manager had holiday cover. Could be he wanted them to say 'well he was fine when I managed him', or could be that he knows your manager is softer on his creepiness. Be prepared to go over her head if she doesn't act in your best interest.

Hope you get this sorted OP. He sounds like an intimidating bully and needs to be stopped!

You need to put all this formally in writing. If the manager doesn't do anything, use the grievance procedure.

I’ve continued to mention most things to my manager but I’m not sure she’s taking it seriously anymore. Just rolls her eyes and calls him creepy etc.

You need to tell her that you want this dealing with and that you will be involving HR and the union. I would also tell your manager that you refuse to work with him again as you do not feel safe.

I think you should use the language, in writing, to your manager/HR saying you want to make a formal complaint. Write down all the behaviours you’ve described from the beginning of the thread in bullet points, and end the email saying you are concerned for your safety and want to know what steps will be taken to keep you safe from further unacceptable behaviour from your coworker.

OP, have you ever read a book called The Gift of Fear? It's brilliant. TL/DR version is to trust your instincts. Don't let politeness override what you already know- the man is a creep with some really worrying tendencies.

Definitely make a formal complaint.

The most chilling thing is waiting for you in an unlit corridor. Beyond terrifying really. He can make out it was to make you jump and it being all jokey but seriously that is dangerous. No man in their right mind would think, hmm I'll wait in an unlit corridor for my co-worker who clearly isn't my friend just my co-worker.

Have you got any of this written in a diary for dates? I would put the complaint in writing for your manager listing all the incidents hopefully with dates so it shows a catalogue of his behaviour toward you.

@ ConfidingFish I think he thinks we’re friends, I’m less friendly than I used to be since his storming off etc but I was still pleasant and thanked him for helping me etc.
He definitely is talking to me ‘normally’ as in how he did before, he’s just sort of slipped back to behaving how he did then, all ‘jokey and friendly’

He starts early so he can find time to interact with you. He maybe lonely and or a bit odd.
You rightly don’t want to interact. He needs another talking to via the manager and possible a written warning.
Wear head phones in the short term.

Your manager should deal was this when it's reported to them.

Each incident/thing that your colleague does on their own could be passed on as nothing however put them all together along with the corridor incident and no one could laugh it off.

I know this gets trotted out on MN every time, but is there any chance he could be on the spectrum? My ds sounds exactly like this man, he is a real stickler for rules, would think if you weren't on your 'half' at your start time that you were slacking, looking at phone is a non work related activity, he would feel the need to pull you up on that and the unlit corridor thing would not even enter his mind as being inappropriate, he would see this as him doing the right thing. Not to excuse him, but he sounds like he has very poor boundaries and social etiquette rather than being dangerous.

Definitely put it all in writing and complain to your manager and HR. If you have the option of working elsewhere, take it.
My experience of someone like this is that they back off after a complaint, but sooner or later start up again. In my case, he was "too important" to the company for them to do anything meaningful about him. I ended up being forced out, but I'm now so happy to not be there.

I had something similar once, though not frightening like this as it was a woman.

A parent at my DD’s school sort of tried to take me over and manage me. She would ask me where I had parked and then have something to say about it. ‘I’d have thought it would have been better coming from that direction to park in Lavender Court’ and she would ask where I was going after drop off. If Ok was going for milk she would tell me I’d bought milk on Wednesday and if I was going to playgroup she would inform me I’d need to get back for twelve so dd could have a sleep before the school run.

I just used to answer her questions at first but then I realised I was thinking about where I could park so she wouldn’t criticise me and I was buying more milk so she wouldn’t know I’d run out. I changed my behaviour for some random woman!

Once I realised I started rebuffing her questions with ‘why do you need to know that?’ answers until she stopped.

It was so bizarre, especially as I’m quite a strong person. I don’t know why she did it but I learnt quite a lot from it and can see now how easy it is for people to end up in actual relationships that are abusive.

This is really creepy. You need to act on this and not let it continue.
Email (so that you have a read receipt etc) your manager, confirm/summarise your previous conversation with her, confirm her action at that time. Then state what has happened since. Clearly state that you feel unsafe and anxious. State that you would like HR support in the matter and ask if she will escalate it to them, or would she prefer that you do it. It is probably time to have a conversation with your union rep at this point, even if you decide to wait and see what your manager/HR do. If you do have any further meetings with management/HR/the creepy fucker, it's probably worth taking your union rep with you.

I hope this gets sorted, and quickly. You shouldn't have to put up with harrassment at work, and given that you work alone with him, it is even more important that they seek to ensure your safety.

Creepy as fucknwanting to jump out at you in the dark ( if he does scream extremely loudly and shout "what the hell is wrong with you!" ) so someone is alerted to you and to shock him into knowing it's not ok.

Are you alone together? Who else is about? I can scream extremely loudly. If I was you and someone had jumped out in the dark I would scream.

He does seem to want to escalate his very dodgy boundaries

Not normally sounds like he's testing boundaries all the time.

I dont mean to scare you OP but this man sounds like he is a bot obsessed with you and his behaviour is verging on stalking. I dont think he is checking up on you because he's worried about your work productivity, i think its because he has an unhealthy obsession with you. Please go to HR and report this- get it on record that you are feeling uncomfortable and do NOT apologise to him. Ever.
Tell him in a calm flat tone what hugospitz suggested:
"remember the conversation with x (manager) remember you are not my boss. Please stop interrupting me while I am working, why not get on with your own? "
Also- read the book "the gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker- gives great advice for anyone who is being harassed/ pestered

The area that we work in rarely has staff there when we are there, so yes it’s often just us two.
Occasionally our manager or a porter etc will pop in for something but on the whole we’re on our own.

To the PP who suggested my DP is present when I finish work, he often does come to pick me up. Colleague doesn’t seem bothered by him.

I could get DP to have a word or just act a bit intimidating I suppose maybe that would make him think twice.

It wouldn’t look great for me though would it?

Don't bring in your DP; this needs to be shut down by work. Only a work record will follow him at this job and (through any reference/ lack of reference) into another job, if he keeps getting his kicks from stalking and harassing. The pattern is what's getting to you; the pattern is what will bring him down.

Seriously, he is a real shit, and it will take more firepower than "having a word" or "just acting a bit intimidating" to counter the effort he's putting in to being a shit. The planning, the bunking off work, the persistence... He's already using quite serious "firepower" against you!

Do not involve your DP - that's totally unprofessional.

This needs to be dealt with properly. Your manager is fobbing you off because she's avoiding having a difficult conversation with this man about his behaviour - she'll go for the easy option of fobbing you off every time. If you continue to carry on working and going along with it, then nothing will change.

Contact her and tell her that you refuse to work with him as you do not feel safe, and that you have notified HR and your Union rep - tell them that you have repeatedly raised this with your manager but nothing has been done.

I could get DP to have a word or just act a bit intimidating I suppose maybe that would make him think twice.

No, OP, definitely do not let your DP get involved. That could end up with you in serious trouble and jeopardise your claims against him.

Not just that but it then turns into a “he’s done this, but she got her DP to do that” kind of scenario and you need all the focus to be on him and his behaviour, not you.

I understand the thought behind it but you need to let work and only work deal with this situation.

I wouldn’t want to go back to work and I’d want to file a complaint with the police. He is stalking you and sounds unhinged. Not a risk you want to take.