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Workplace Bullying - Support Thread

133 replies

daisychain01 · 23/11/2018 18:00

Bullying at work is rife. I won't number-crunch but it costs employers £M / annum, and it costs employees dearly in terms of harm to their mental wellbeing and finances if they are driven out of their job.

If you have experienced any of the following, you are likely to have been subjected to bullying:

Being made to feel worthless, inadequate, useless at your job, incompetent, making you doubt yourself and your capabilities.

Being compared negatively to colleagues, esp more junior to you, "If they can work faster/pick things up quicker/understand things easier, why can't you?"

Being isolated, disenfranchised, ignored, often as a form of punishment, while colleagues are treated noticeably fairly and courteously.

Being set up to fail, being given objectives then changing them so radically it makes your job untenable. Feeling "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Whatever you try to do, they want the opposite.

Being given authority, but then disempowered, by going over your head to your direct reports, often in front of them.

Subject to derogatory sexist remarks, designed to minimise contribution skills and qualifications. This is harassment, for which you have protection in law.

Bullying is insidious, difficult to detect or prove. It is invariably minimised by the perpetrator with comments like "I didn't mean it like that", "you're just too sensitive, can't you take a joke?", "sorry I was having an off-day".

Bullying is a form of emotional abuse.

This thread is a safe place for a handhold or to seek practical advice. It isn't always necessary to resign to escape, there are other ways. It will depend on the individual situation. You may not want to share all the details, don't worry about the AIBU dripfeed, you won't be ostracised on here if you need to keep things brief, change a few details or giving disclosure only to your comfort level.

OP posts:
MT2017 · 17/12/2019 22:27

But some people individually do care on a human level.

Agree with this. Even though my grievance wasn't upheld - due to the fact that all conversations were verbal, with no witnesses, and my emails to my bullying manager weren't responded to so no agreement of their behaviour - I am convinced that the person at the top at work knows what went on. My role has been changed so I now never, ever report to bullying manager alone; they have to document everything; and there is always someone else there.

Good quote I was sent by a friend:

'A thief is a man in need.
A liar is a man in fear.'

I am waiting for the bullying manager to be exposed...it WILL happen one day Wink

or they will retire, either fine with me

pinkprosseco · 18/12/2019 22:01

I just stumbled across this thread and it's been so helpful. I admitted to myself all of the criteria the OP described apply to me in my current role, and have done since I started in this company 2 years ago. Thank you. I was really starting to accept it until recently I experienced some really blatant unacceptable behaviour which made me reevaluate things. Now the thread has confirmed my experiences and I'm going to get out of there! Thanks OP.

bullied · 18/12/2019 22:03

I wish you well @pinkprosseco
I hope an opportunity comes up for you soon.

Flowers
pinkprosseco · 18/12/2019 23:19

Thank you bullied. You too

whatisforteamum · 19/12/2019 09:26

What has happened to you Pinkprossecco? 2 years is a long time to be bullied.x

Iturnedmyfaceaway · 21/12/2019 14:20

“Bully in Sight” was the book that helped me (and, it seems, thousands of others). Highly recommended.

Iturnedmyfaceaway · 21/12/2019 14:21

bullyonline.org/old/successunlimited/books/bismain.htm

Iturnedmyfaceaway · 21/12/2019 14:22

New site: www.bullyonline.org/

pinkprosseco · 23/12/2019 01:01

*What has happened to you Pinkprossecco? 2 years is a long time to be bullied
*
Yes agreed. It was subtle at first interspersed with a sudden illness which knocked my confidence. More recently there have been clear examples of blatantly unacceptable behaviour. Tried to raise it with several senior staff but they didn't want to hear. Since reading this thread I did report a specific incident to one of the directors who said they are taking action.

daisychain01 · 23/12/2019 03:40

I'm pleased this thread gave you some validation to take matters further @pinkprosseco. Sometimes it's easy to, think "it's just me" when it absolutely isn't! I hope your director is a person of their word.

OP posts:
pinkprosseco · 24/12/2019 06:38

Thank you everyone

nottoday3000 · 27/12/2019 07:21

Hi I'm after some advice as I'm having anxiety and so is my ds (19.
My ds works for a very well known retailer and has done for just over a year. I, myself work in retail (17 years) so I know the game. He changed his hours got the hours he wanted except last week he happened to look at his rota and realised his manager has increased his hours without his knowledge. When he messaged his manager (and was reminded it was her day off) despite the fact she text him when it's his day off, he asked her way she had increased his hours it basically turned out that another member of staff had given up their Saturday hours so she thought she would add it on and couldn't make promises to sort it out!!! Over the Christmas period it's been fraught I know that only too well, it appears to me that there are too many managers and not enough doers, his manager will tell him to do something then another manager will say I need x y z and get visibly irritated if he can't do it quick enough as another staff member blocks the lift and it's impossible. On Tuesday he had removed a display stand with out of date stock and when he approached the food manager, (there was in date stock on the bottom of it) and asked her what was to happen with that she pointed to her eyes ears and mouth and said use that ! One member of staff have said to ds are they bullying you again which I'm unsettled with tbh. I have explained that managers are under a lot of pressure especially over Xmas and to try not to take it all to heart he's head has gone done and I've got this pit in my stomach and to add there was a delivery driver waiting for the loading bay (ds not trained) he motioned to his manager who was on the phone and she said IM ON THE PHONE so he told driver he would have to wait a second which brings me on to this , he never ticked the loading bay or cardboard bailer on the computer for training he was told just click it to complete it so has ticked for training he hasn't done. I'm am so tempted to tell him to poke the joke but realise in life you don't have to do much for people not to like you. I'm so sorry to be so long winded but I feel like going in there myself !!! Which I know I can't do as I have to separate the fact that he's my son any advise as to help him handle the situation he feels awful I feel like nothing on earth I would be grateful thanks for reading .

nearlynermal · 27/12/2019 10:30

Thanks for this, daisychain I've been signed off, trying to prepare myself for the big negotiation with HR, and feeling totally broken. The thing is, so much of the behaviour is hard to prove or nail down, and so much of it is not obvious malice, but just a really dysfunctional manager. I'm really going to have to perform and negotiate effectively to get the result I want, and I feel at my weakest right now.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2019 15:09

@nottoday3000 it would be best if you can set up your own thread on the Employment Issues board, and highlight what the actual problem is, as it seems from what you've written it is something your DS needs to handle himself as he builds his own work experience and communication style.

OP posts:
Cherrygirl3 · 16/01/2020 09:35

Great, this thread is just what I need right now, helps to know that it happens to others too, you tend to feel alone and isolated in these matters. Been off sick for months with stress due to being isolated and ostracized by my team members. HR have investigated and declared the matter dealt with. Went back briefly for a return to work team meeting only to find said team members still hostile and passive agressive, so clearly nothing has changed in their attitude. Anyone on here familiar with employment law? I'd take it further but not been with the company 2 years yet? Am I able to take it further as HR expect me to transfer/move/or go back into the same situation when team members stance is unchanged, and I don't see why I should have to do this when I am the one that has suffered for months. Flowers to all of you going through similar, it's such a difficult thing to experience.

Cherrygirl3 · 16/01/2020 09:39

@nearlynermal hugs for you, I feel your pain. It's so soul destroying isn't it. Offering a handhold for you from me as I'm going through similar atm.

Seemstress · 16/01/2020 23:17

Glad I stumbled across this..I work for a mental health charity and I've been bullied to the point of attempted suicide by my employer because I raised a grievance a year ago about the bullying and disability discrimination I was experiencing. Worse thing I ever did. Im on an extended period of sick leave as the bullying Senior Managed instigated an investigation into my fitness practice...such thing's as I didnt answer a phone call, my report had a csimil paragraph to a colleague, a journey I took took longer than they expected, I forgot to sign in the office signing in book which prompted a phone call from HR to check where I was ( in the office at a meeting) It has been horrendous...I have been covertly monitored, followed, had my social.media stalked and made subject of a meeting (SM in a different name, no colleagues as friends, no mention of anything work related) I'm as close to breaking point and I have had no support from this so called amazing mental health organisation which is just a money making machine..it's cares nothing about mental health. I am a threat to their brand and they will get rid of me no matter what it takes.

Cherrygirl3 · 17/01/2020 08:51

@seemstress I have no advice for you I'm afraid, but I'm shocked and saddened at your experience, I've always had a distrust of certain "charities" and their actual dedication to helping the people their brand is aimed at. Not all are like this obviously and many, many do amazing work, however I do often wonder what percentage of the donations goes on the cause.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Flowers

Seemstress · 17/01/2020 10:12

@cherrygirl yes absolutely, when the charity was smaller it really did live by it's ethos - I work in acute settings and not one of our Senior Management or Board have ever visited to see what it's actually like working with people with the most difficult and enduring illnesses. Mental health means money and it's making a huge amount. I am a skilled practitioner but my confidence has bern eroded to zero..I couldn't go back even if I wanted to. Im struggling to put the kettle on most days

lottie2008 · 05/06/2020 21:42

I've been there. I left my job in 2016 after bullying. I'd been with the company for 16yrs and I loved my job.
The company was wholly owned by a woman. To the public she was a massive supporter of working women and working mothers. She did bloody TV programmes about campaigning for women's rights in the workplace.
I was probably the most senior working mother in her company.
Her board of directors were all men. Inside the office was a very different story.
I excelled at my job but never got a look in.
I took the company to court which was incredibly distressing and expensive but I won my case on the grounds of constructive dismissal, sex discrimination and sexual harassment. I was up against the top barristers in the country and I won. Smile
I won for me and for every other Lottie2008 out there.

nextslideplease · 06/06/2020 18:51

@lottie2008 how did you find finding other employment after so long in one place? I've been with my employer 17 years and whilst Im looking for something new I worry that I'm too institutionalised and that my length of service could be off putting to a prospective employer.

The thought of going back after lock down is making me ill. I hate them so much but I haven't had any luck finding anything else or even getting an interview and now covid 19 is making it worse to find a job.

lottie2008 · 07/06/2020 08:16

@nextslideplease
I know how you're feeling. The day I nearly collapsed in the shower with terrible chest pains I made an appointment with my GP and was signed off sick for a month. I never returned to the office. Deep inside I knew I couldn't return which frightened me because like you I felt institutionalised. I looked at other jobs to apply for but I didn't have it in me to be interviewed and prove myself to a new employer. I was also terrified of the same thing happening again.
I became self employed. I went overdrawn to retrain in a completely different area. Now I help people feel good about themselves. Helping other people has really helped me. I'm also earning a good amount of money and have a much better work life balance.
Good luck to you. If you want to PM me at any time for help & support please do.

wageslave · 07/06/2020 09:32

I'd welcome some advice. I'm currently working temporarily in another organisation (public sector) for 6 months. I'm shocked by how awful this particular place is. Managing Director undermines everyone behind their backs, command and control and very toxic culture, many people say "I've had enough" and are looking to leave, others have left, very long hours, no thanks etc. I've been there a short while and not had a decent nights sleep since the second day. I'm now very anxious and on the verge of tears all the time, weekends are filled with me dreading the working week.

My boss (supportive and equally horrified about what the new place is like) back at my long term employer thinks I should stick it out because it's useful experience, will look good on my cv, it's strange times due to covid etc. There are lots of good people at this organisation, and I have some great people who work for me, but they are beleaguered too.

But I think staying there will make me ill.

I've an opportunity this week to bring it to a head.

What would you do?

Stay and challenge, stay and head down, or leave?

LOVELYDOVEY05 · 08/06/2020 06:11

This is a really useful thread. It will give comfort and focus to those who have or are being bullied.
The problem is likely to increase as employment prospects continue to become less secure but also there may be greater payouts.Please bear in mind. You must take out a grievance with the person who is superior to the bully or else it will be more difficult to pursue things in court.You need to keep a record of the dates times etc of any incidents incl witnesses ideally before you do this and how it makes you feel.
Bullying often makes you feel you are in the wrong when you are not so seeing a counsellor could clear the mud

lottie2008 · 09/06/2020 22:28

@LOVEYDOVEY05
Yes totally agree. Some of my grievances were dismissed in court because there were gaps and therefore weren't classed 'as a continuing act' of harassment.

Do keep a note of everything however small it may be.
One piece of info for anyone who's a claimant in court.
You should know your witness statement inside out and therefore shouldn't need to be referring to pages numbers as directed by the judge. Leave that to the defence witnesses (the bullies) who've no doubt had their standbys written for them by the defence barrister.